DesertEyes

Yo dsk,

I started a new thread for ya so everybody can see it. Click on this link to go to it

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...k-88522-1.html

Mike :-)

dsk

thanks for the help

splendra

What I hate about affairs is the dishonesty. Why can't a person in an affair be honest with the person that they are married to or have been with prior to the affair. This to me makes me leary of AA because they do seem to somewhat give the go ahead to have an affair when it is supposed to be a program of total honesty. If they are not informing their spouse of the affair than they are not being honest and thereby giving the spouse the option to put up with it or not to me that is just so selfish that it is just beyound me to understand. I can see how one could be embittered by it.

ASpouse

Mine didn't cheat, but sure drank enough to make himself think he did! LOL.

gelfling

Now, that's funny!!!

megamysterioso

My AH has not cheated in our 3 1/2 years together or ever given me reason to suspect such. He and I both share the moral code that infidelity is a TOTAL deal breaker. No ifs, ands or buts. We discussed our feelings on that issue before we were even married. As much as he is a drunk, I do trust that his feelings on the issue are very genuine.

He also does not drive or go out to drink. He is a home drinker, so I'm sure the opportunity to cheat has never really presented itself.

elizabeth1979

Im in a mood, so reader beware.

Yeah, D was a home drinker too. Although if he ever had the opportunity to cheat, I am guessin the other woman would have found his vile smell and drunken rambling a bit of a turn off.
Too bad he was a home drinker, maybe I would have left sooner if not.

reader

Maybe your HP is trying to help you move on. You have thought of moving to Florida. Trust your intuition and hear what it is trying to tell you. Sometimes we don't hear things really loud they are whispered!!

megamysterioso

I understand where you're coming from Sarah!! If mine were a barfly, I wouldn't be able to tolerate it. Since he is at home, it has always been rationalized as "not that bad." Which is worse right?

Pick-a-name

Hope that always stays that way. In my case, it hasn't. All you said held true for the first 25 yrs of our marriage............not the last 2y. One word: progression. I am surprised as anyone....oh, and he still denies it...

Hope your situation will be different; it stinks.

dax

Oh the home drinkers don't cheat when they are active drunks. The go to AA, sober up and end up sharing more than sobriety with a program member of the opposite sex. And the spouse , if they are in alanon, will not suspect for years bercause they have been told never to question their alcoholic's program. dax

tiggerg65

i dont know if my abf has ever cheated but one never knows 100%. but i have always felt like his drinking was cheating, because it took him away from me and the family. i thought sometimes it would have been easier if he was cheating with another woman at least then i would have a fighting chance with alcohol i have no chance. just glad he's been sober for 7 days now gone to 4 AA meeting. linda

Irondoorknob

So clearly I am not the only one who experienced a spouse that got sober and then had an affair. Sadly, from reading this thread, it appears as though it is a common occurence. I attribute it to the disease of alcoholism, but that is a only small comfort. My family has broken up and the kids and I are on our own.

What I have begun to realize is that I need to heal myself. I have lived with this disease and its fallout for 16 years. I do not want to live with it anymore.

ASpouse

I don't think the cheating has anything to do with the disease of alcoholism, I believe it has everything to do with a marriage based on a rocky foundation to begin with.

Irondoorknob

ASpouse,

I do agree that cheating is often about marriages on rocky foundations, but what marriage to an alcoholic is not troubled? Alcoholism rips relationships and sometimes it is not possible to mend them. Cheating, in my opinion, is simply another way to escape, like drinking.

That said, I actually feel sorry for my AH. I get to keep the best part of our marriage, our children.

ASpouse

I'm talking about the relationship before the alcoholism started. If someone marries an alcoholic, knowing the person "had a problem with drinking" and thought "it would change" after marriage, in my opinion, a marriage based on that premise was doomed to start with, in other words built on a rocky foundation.

If you marry someone who has admitted to cheating in the past, and you go ahead and marry him/her anyway thinking "you can change him/her" then it's your mistake to begin with.

I feel that alcoholism can in fact be a "symptom" of a failing marriage .... this does not mean I condone it, but a poor marriage or one that one partner or the other doesn't want to be in can in fact be a catalyst to more and more drinking to get away from a bad marriage. Just my 2 cents worth.

dax

A Spouse- That is a completely false assumption. It has to do with the moral fiber of the cheater- mainly selfishness. If your marriage is in trouble- you fix it ,get counseling or divorce befor you date someone else. If you think you have a perfect marriage, then you must be the exception. But unless your husband is into dogs big time also- you can bet he has some jealous issues with those dogs. Because you and I know they are a big part of your life. AS my animals are with me. Which is how I dealt with him being gone- I did things with my animals and friends
Most of my friends are big time animal lovers- horses , dogs ,cats or turtles- and most husbands feel somewhat jealous. But then your husband may be the perfect man. And you the perfect wife. Most normal marriages has 'bones of contention' and YOU ARE SAYING- WELL THERE IS THE CAUSE FOR AN AFFAIR. My opinion only-
And by the way- my husband never had to ask to go to a meeting- he knew he could go to as many as he wanted. Which was a mistake. Your husband asking is the right way to do it and you are lucky.
dax

Irondoorknob

Aspouse,

Agreed, if you knowingly begin a relationship with someone who is an active alcoholic, then you should be prepared for the consequences. But in MANY of our cases, alcoholism was something that was revealed over the years.

Everyone enters their marraiges with dreams of a good future. Most of us realize that we must work for it and make compromises. Sadly, the disease of alcoholism makes that almost impossible. It is extremely difficult for a relationship to endure when only one partner is shouldering the responsibilites of working on it.

DesertEyes

My marriage was fine for some 15yrs. My wife developed a serious medical condition which requires increasing dosages of steroids and pain medication. It wasn't until a few years of these chemicals that her personality began to change. It is quite clear to me that without her illness our lives would have been totally different.

Mike :-)

guyinNC

My marriage was fine for the majority of our 20 years together. No......I think without her alcoholism, which developed in the past three years, our life as a couple would not have been destroyed. Her actions, her choices are not the ones the wife I married would have made. Quite frankly, her current actions make me question her sanity. Not just her affair, but her disrteguard for her kids, family....her own health.

Alcohol transformed her........such is its great power.