jessiebug

Well, I do believe that a cheater is a cheater but not necessarily an addict. My boyfriend was just thrown out of rehab for "wiring up" with another patient. Rumors are all over the town about it. Most people heard that they were caught in bed together. I'm devestated. I thought just getting him off of the drugs would be the hard part, not dealing with infidelity. I'm the only one that's been going up there and visiting him and I knew exactly who the girl was when he asked me to come pick him up in the middle of the night. She was the only one there that avoided me. Very suspicious. I called and asked her about everything and she said that he had told her that I was his best friend. I set her straight. We're lovers, we were planning our futures together, and we are together...have been for a long time. I'm sick. It was a fear for me, but I though the rehab center would be better able to see this thing coming. They weren't. I'm pissed and I'm embarrassed and totally let down. His sponsor called me and said that he does believe the boyfriend didn't do anything and the rumors are false, but I'm so afraid of hurting again, it's hard to take chance. I do know he at least lied to the other girl about our relationship. Why would he have done that??? Anyway, yes, I have fear...

elizabeth1979

Oh girl, that is horrible. I will come out of my skin if I ever hear him telling people we are just friends..yes, I know the feeling I am the only one who goes to see him and yes there are a few women there that avoid me...he is really the most attractive guy in there. If he wants to be your best friend, than maybe you should tell him you would like him to introduce you to some of his firends and help you out in finding a good man...try that one on for size.....

dax

Elizabeth- If the counselor has a degree in counseling, then it might be ok. She is bound by law not to discuss anything he says and I guess no hanky panky either. His talking about her is upsetting to say the least. If the counselor is just another recovering alcoholic-IT IS WRONG!!!!. If this is so I would go to rehab and start asking questions about their questionable recovery center. dax

jessiebug

Ha ha ha...thanks for that laugh. If only he knew someone that wasn't a raging addict! I promise, if I end up leaving this relationship, I'm NEVER dating another person with a habit! Anyway, my instincts were in high gear that last week, so I knew something was coming. I wish I could just see the damn future instead of "feeling" something coming. It'd be so much easier. Anyway, the good news is that he managed to get through everything without using. Today is 30 days! I know it hasn't been easy for him and I really do care more about him recovering than anything else. I don't want to be with that addict again. His sponsor has cut him off from talking to any girls. He's allowed to talk to me, but as he said, "no touchy!" Think that's probably best for both of us. I need a little room to breath right now and he's sponsor is his "keeper" now. It's not my problem. Now, just to stop obsessing over it.

Jenee

I honestly believe my husband has never cheated, and I don't think he would. Famous last words, eh?

Part of the reason he doesn't understand why his drinking affects our marriage is that he's not the type who goes out to drink...he drinks at home, and we are always together outside of working hours. He doesn't think that he neglects me as long as he is home. Do we have much quality time? No, not nearly enough, but he is always home so everything must be ok.

elizabeth1979

Dax- I will ask some questions. I dont know if she is certified, but I know she is a recovering alcoholic bc all of the staff there is.

jessiebug

Honestly, if she REALLY is a counselor and not another patient, I wouldn't worry. Yes, they still have addictive personalities, but they are there for their recovery as well. They have more time at sobriety and are less apt to make the same mistakes newcomers make. In fact, the center my addict was at had rotating counselors throughout the day. They wanted someone to be there 24/7 and so he often talked to a lot of people. I'm still pissed about the 90% chance he cheated on me in there with another patient (18-year-old heroin addict child, did I mention!!!), but the only people I do believe in a rehab center are the counselors.

Sorry for the outburst...just not totally at peace with the most recent news in my life.

Zoey

Many females who have never drank fall in love with their male psychiatrists, counselors, etc. Someone that cares, understands, been there etc. is a turn on for both male and female, alcoholic or not.
Known hazzard for both. I know Phd's , and counselors that see red flags and quickly turn the patient over to someone else.
Just so you know. Sorry to point that out. His counselor must be closer to his age or would not be a concern. I am so sorry this has happened. It is painful.
Maybe no problem in this case, but not knowing drives us crazy. So sorry HUGS

ahcb

Elizabeth,

RELAX..You have gone froma asking "do A cheat" to they are having a relationship behind closed doors and keeping you locked out for that purpose..Take a deep breath..Are you saying that if you were a counselor you should NEVER be allowed to counsel a male patient because you will end up sleeping with your patients? A bit insulting to the woman here isnt it. (im a guy and right now looking for a female doc)

Thats the silliest thing i have heard. OK Relax. He is getting help. If anyone cheats it is not because of booze..

dax

ahcb- her fears are not silly nor are they groundless. AA reconmmends that men counsel men and women counsel women- for good reason. If she is a Dr that is ok -otherwise -Not!!. If fact it would be amazing if you wife had never been hit on in the program. Newly sober women often have a big problem with this. It is called 13th stepping. dax

elizabeth1979

Well ladies and gents...the counselor called me!! I asked her some questions and she has her CAC and she seemed very nice and pleasant and while I do not trust him, I trust her....and I will until she gives me reason not to.
So, it seems that he has been quite the charmer as she said and that she could see where my trust issue comes from as he calls everyone sweetheart. Everyone but me that is!! HA! He also failed to tell the truth to her about his legal issues, his infidelity in the past, and his History of Domestic Violence charges.
They are close to the same age, he is 28 and she is 26....
EVERYONE- I appreciate your input...it must be difficult for anyone to understand completely where another person is coming from...but you all are great!!

Chy

I'm an alcoholic, and no, I never cheated, so to answer your question, no not all A's cheat. Sidenote, despite the nonsensical, belief system of some who have harbored deep emotional resentments against the program, AA is not a cult.

Shel

to me it has to do with each person....alcoholics just in my opinion feel they can justify it eaiser than others becasue they have somthing to blame it on..."I was drunk" or "I don't remember"!

Doug

No. All A's don't cheat.

I never did, before or after getting into recovery. And I actually know some other people, men and women who never did either.

We don't get many posts in here that start with "My A doesn't cheat on me".
Thats why you only usually see the opposite posted.

Get it?

TinyVoice

I would just like to add my experience. I am not an A. But I had been going to Al-Anon meetings when I was dating my A-BF (now my ex). I have a bit of a problem wtih relationships and my self esteem. I think I often use sex or relationships...looking for that esteem building that should really come from within. I find myself being attracted to men for all the wrong reasons. I'm so insecure sometimes. At my first Al-Anon meeting, I found myself being attracted to a man in the meeting. Nothing happened. I have never cheated on a relationship. I guess I'm just saying while in a program or recovery it is a confusing time, a vulnerable time. And I think that the whole fidelity issue is not so much related to addiction as it is accompanying issues that some A's/addicts, codependents, etc. have. I think a lot of us experience relationship complications. My ex was always looking to women for validation. He never cheated (I don't think) but he always kept me guessing. He liked to go to Hooter's, strip clubs, anywhere that he got attention from pretty women. He seemed obsessed by sex. So those were his issues among his alcoholism.

Lots of good comments in this thread. Hard stuff to talk about.

amitiredenuff

Well, I think "more shall be revealed" always. If we work OUR program and listen for God's voice when the time is right we'll know. Our denial sometimes keeps us way in the dark. My AH cheated on me numerous times over our 24 year marriage, but I didn't find out that it was more than once until about 4 months ago. I was crushed, devastated, disgusted, horrified, etc. etc. But you know, after the affair that I did know about I really took a look at myself. I don't believe in excuses, but I did have to look at my part in the breakdown of our marriage. We all have character defects that we need God to remove, only the steps help us through that. An honest look showed me many things about myself that hindered my relationship with my husband. I was angry, bitter over all of the relapses. I was selfish in many ways. I was cruel with my words. Many times I was unavailable, inaccessible and occupied because I was trying to survive. I worked through the steps specifically on my marriage about 4 years ago and so when he did have about 6 months sober and actually working the program our marriage became more intimate and looked like a true partnership. But after several more relapses and then the new revelation that there was more than one I really struggled. We separated about a week before I found out because the addiction was still active and it still is. I am talking to an attorney tomorrow. Today, though after much soul searching and counseling I am really not angry. Sad and hurt, but more for him than me. I truly know today that I gave my best. Because he is sick he could never really receive what I and our girls had to offer. I was very lonely and very afraid of what my life was becoming, but I remained faithful only, as I see it "by the grace of God". Humans need interaction, we need someone to understand and though I don't believe all A's cheat, as my counselor put it "in late stage addiction it kind of goes with the territory". I know that in my addiction I crossed many boundaries that I never would have if I had not been drunk or loaded. Thank God, and I truly thank Him, my addiction did not progress as far and I was spared that part of the "incomprehensible demoralization". I don't know whether he cheated because he was a cheater or he cheated because he is an addict. Right now it doesn't really matter. The healing begins with me whether he chooses it or not. The many times he did achieve a little sobriety (after treatment of 2 mos or so) I believe he was as honest as he could be and he always said that it was never about me or what I did or didn't do. He also said if he ever used again "not to believe him because he COULDN'T tell the truth" while in active addiction. As a friend told me after one of his major relapses "I just don't believe he wakes up every morning and thinks 'How can I screw up her day'". His whole life is about the fix from morning to night and when he's stoned there are no limits, no boundaries. No prior morals or values matter and because they don't he has to stay loaded not to realize how far from the mark (his own mark) he has gone. If you haven't already, read the chapter "To the Wives" in the Big Book and also "The Family Afterward". It sheds some light on our dilemma. In some ways, today, I wish I had not come across the gruesome truth of what this disease is capable of doing to families. But if we are not rigorously honest, if we cannot be honest, open and willing we lose out. Sometimes I have felt cursed to be both a recovering A and a recovering codependant, other times like now I feel blessed. The Big Book says that our God given instincts run wild when we are in addiction. If we don't work the steps and put them into practice in our every day lives what good are they? My AA sponsor said to me many times regarding my codependant issues ...you have keen intuition, promise me you will not ignore it. I did until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. They will not recover until THEY are sick and tired and we will not recover until WE are sick and tired enough. This is a scary disease, but the 12 steps are a great way to live and there is hope in them. Thank God.

Love,
Ami

ahcb

DAX,

You are projecting your own fears and experiences into this and assuming it is for all. The FACTS are that the majority of people DO NOT CHEAT. Alcoholics or not. If you think someone cheats BECAUSE of alcohol, you are wrong. A one night stand maybe but an affair..no... As far as my wife being hit on...perhaps..but i think she sees more men on the train to work, her office, and the supermarket.

So do you reccommend that husbands never talk to females, or females males because of a possibility of cheating...sorry i disagree. If you husband cheated it is sad but there probably were a host of reasons (not your fault) besides being a recovering alcoholic.. Elizabeth, trust the counselor and im sorry but Dax your experiences have nmade you very paranoind in this regard....

dax

ahcb- Yes I am indeed parinoid when it comes to AA and men and women sharing-. The bond is too unique- sharing recovery- something a 'normal person' can't to. After the affair was discovered , my H and I went to a lot of chapter 9 meetings- the family afterwards. Boy were my eyes opened. Long time AA ers and also what I call career alanons were so against 'normal people' They thought everyone was sick and only those working a 12 step program had it together. We also went to a lot of open meetings. Women dressed to kill and 'hunting.'. For 12 years I felt like you did- AA was absolutely great. Let me tell you, you will never get a straight true answer if unacceptable things go on in a meeting. AA program people cover for each other- they also often forsake doing much with their family because they have a new one-AA. That is where the cult like comparson comes to mind. DAX

Jane Doe

I've thought about asking this question before. I have no reason to think my AH has ever cheated. We've both been clear that it's a deal breaker for us. Yet, when they're out all night or at bars doing whatever they want it's hard not to have that seed of doubt in your head.

Chy

Politicians cheat
Doctors cheat
Lawyers cheat
Teachers cheat
Movie stars cheat
Veternarians cheat
Librarians cheat
Mechanics cheat
Preachers/Pastors cheat....all within a "safe environment" so why the dismay if a lowly alcoholic/addict cheats in AA/rehab/hospital/therapy/group? It's called humanism and it's not the environment, office, arena or recovery room that's the reason, it's the personal choice of an individual either happy or unhappy in a current relationship in need/search/lust of what, who know's, only they do and they make the choice to cause the pain to the current relationship. Insecurity is natural when this occurs, but imposing blame on any type of organization is proposterous, and I don't understand why some can't see it but harbor decades of resentment over it.. I know I'd eventually have to find a way to deal with it if I am to heal.