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Old 01-04-2005, 03:11 AM
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mamasmitty
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Just checking.....

Good morning to all. I just want to compare notes here. I will spare a lot of details, because you all know how things can be with our AH's. But what do you think of a man who is basically a good guy, works a full (sometimes more) time job, takes care of all his bills, makes sure no one in the family goes with out money, etc, but cannot go a day without drinking? He is sober all day at work, but as soon as he hits the door at 4 or 4:30, he heads straight for the bottle! I work 3 12 hour shifts Monday - Wednesday, and by the time I get home at 6pm, he is drunk and slurring his words! Last night I got home, and he had made dinner (oh yes, he cooks dinner too) and he was just sitting there eating, not saying a word. When I would talk to him, he would give me a one word, barely audible answer. Finally I asked him if he was upset with me or something, and he said, "Nooo!" I think he wasn't talking because he knew if he did, I would know how drunk he was! (slurring) I ate, then went to the kitchen to wash dishes, and he kept coming up behind me and hugging me. A couple of times he would come up and just hover around me while I was doing something. When I get home on these nights, I don't have a lot of time. 3 hours to be exact, because I go to bed at 9pm so I can get up at 3am! When he is that drunk, I think he feels bad about himself or something and hovers because he wants me to give some kind of signal that its ok, or that he's not a bad person or something. That irritates the hell out of me! I just don't want to be around him when he is like that, so I make things to do for myself so that I seem too busy to sit down with him. All I want to do on those nights is come home, eat, and do the few things that I HAVE to do, maybe have an hour to myself to unwind, and NOT be pestered into coddling his insecure emotions! Of course then he gets the attitude of "look at everything I do for you" (i.e.: cooking, paying most the bills, etc) I never throw it back at him, but because he does all that, I do the laundry and clean the house. But I refuse to get into a childs argument of "Look what I did" "Well look what I did" thing! I know he is not near as bad as a lot of you have it. One member recently said that she took her husband to a Christmas dinner, and he pees himself! How humiliating for her! Well, mine didn't do THAT, but when I took him to my art league dinner, he was already drunk, and headed straight for the bar when we got there! I had one mixed drink, and that was all I was going to have. Well, he went back to the bar and (without asking me) brought me back a double shot of whisky!!!!! I didn't drink it. I had to drive! (He won't drive when he is drunk because of an ONVI he got about 3 years ago, so I had to drive. Even though it would have been nice to be taken somewhere) That’s another thing. Our outings are becoming based around his drinking. Either I have to drive, or we don't go anywhere!
Well, I'm done ranting. I just want to know what you all think. Is this the start of something worse to come? Is this the first stage of a bigger problem? What do you think?
 
Old 01-04-2005, 06:03 AM
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Well I cant say for sure if it will get worse, but I can relate to your situation. My husband drinks every night. In fact, he stops at the gas station on the way home to pick up a six pack for the ride home. Yes! He drinks in the car, while driving home. The trip is only about 20 minutes. If he stops at the bar, he grabs a six pack from the bar for the ride home. But, he still manages to work full time (10-12 hour days). So, he doesnt have a problem right? As long as he is providing for his family, he thinks it's ok to not be emotional available to us or verbally abusive to my 13 yr old daughter. Because, he has to be in control of his own household. I mean stupid stuff, like if she leaves her socks laying out, he gets so rude and it annoys me. But, the clingy behavior I relate to too. Especially lately. I think he knows I want him out and that our relationship is basically over, for me at least. He keeps trying to hug me and kiss me and I have never heard I love you so much. And yes, I try to keep busy too, just so I dont have to sit down with him. And I make it a point to creep into bed slowly and quietly as not to disturb him. As for if it is something bigger, well I am not sure. I keep reading that this disease is progressive and as far as I am concerned, it's progressed far enough for me to handle. Hugs to you, you are in my thoughts.

Blessings,
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Old 01-04-2005, 06:37 AM
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mamasmitty
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Thank you! Hugs to you too! I do have a saving grace that he has his own bedroom. (cause of snoring, thank God!) and sometimes he sleeps on the couch too. Every once in a while he sleeps with me. Maybe twice a week.
 
Old 01-04-2005, 07:23 AM
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I can honestly say - this is my AH!!! I could picture it perfectly what you were describing and I could feel what you must have been feeling b/c I've felt it too. I can't tell you what the future holds, but my AH was like this 14 years ago and still is. IT IS SOOO ANNOYING.
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Old 01-04-2005, 07:47 AM
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mamasmitty
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Maybe its the Ohio air!!!! LOL! No, kidding. Thats what I worrie about. That he will do it forever. I wonder though just how much alcohol a body can take like that!!!!! :jeez
 
Old 01-04-2005, 08:09 AM
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Mamasmitty,

I just wondered if you might find this interesting:

Control or lack of it?

I found the responses really useful - especially looking at the difference between influence and control. I suppose having a feeling of it being clearer in my own mind made it easier to talk to my hubby and gave me something I understood to say when faced with the reality that he isn't drunk all the time.
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Old 01-04-2005, 09:37 AM
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Your story was mine 5 years ago, today my AH does not work, has no license and is going to jail for his 3 rd DUI. I guess it is all in the progression of the disease. But he still wants me to hug and kiss him and let him know everything is OK. As far as how much alcohol one can take it is amazing, on his last arrest the officer could not believe he was coherent much less walking and talking he blew over a .33 a .40 your dead. I hope your AH will get help as it really doesn't get better.
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Old 01-04-2005, 10:32 AM
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ok - now i am wondering if it IS the Ohio air (lol)

i can identify with some of what you are talking about and also starting sleeping in another room because of snoring (drunk) or jerking, etc. (withdrawal). mine did the responsible, functioning a for many years (worked at the same co. for 35 years) and was downsized/reitred almost 2 years ago - thank goodness he paid the house off before all this (of course, i have to hear about that every time he drinks too much - what a good job he did - like i haven't contributed by working and paying other bills all these years)!

he now does practically nothing but sleep, watch tv and drink. has a few buddies that stop by every once in a while and he maybe gets out of the house for any length of time about 3-4 a month.
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Old 01-04-2005, 10:56 AM
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mamasmitty
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Comparing

I HATE that comparing/ "Lookie what I did for you" attitude!!!!!! I't just makes me SO mad! :yelling It makes you wanna turn around and list back all the things YOU do! But I bite my lip only because I will not stoop to that level! I honestly don't think he will ever change that. Even if he were sober. As a child he could never live up to his fathers expectations. I remember when he graduated from High school, he came out looking for his mom and dad, but they had already left because his dad "wanted to beat the traffic out!"Can you believe that? So now as an adult, I feel he gives and gives to be accepted, and when he dosen't get as much as he wants back, it gets thrown in your face! It makes me not want to take anything from him unless of course I have given back equily to him! Which is hard sometimes because he makes 3 times the money I do.
 
Old 01-04-2005, 11:11 AM
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I wouldn't worry about the "degree" of alcoholism he is inflicted by. That is when we make things more complicated. Dont worry about whether or not it will get worse either.

Focus on you and how much it affects you. Look at that post, you are hurting and it isn't fair. Now is the time to find something to do about it. Are you working the steps? Who wants to live with that kind of irritation everyday? You must be worried sick with all of that drinking.

Take care of you and find a way of dealing with it, in such a way that it makes you feel freer and happier. (((hug)))
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Old 01-04-2005, 12:18 PM
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mamasmitty
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Thank you Defofluv. Actually I do indulge in my art. In my free time. I am becoming better and better at it (here is a link if you want to check it out www.kathrynsart.50megs.com ) I think I am pretty good at being detatched. I think its the things that effect me directly like the hovering, and him wanting effection when he is plastered, and I always feel like if I go off and do my art, or mess around on my computer (which are the two of my favorite relaxation passtimes) that he is downstairs all pissed off at me cause I'm not sitting with him. So when he takes off to go to the bar, I don't mind it because I can do those things with out that feeling hanging over me!
 
Old 01-04-2005, 12:51 PM
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mama - just looked at your website - awesome! i love the "lady ivy" - am a cat lover.
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Old 01-04-2005, 01:39 PM
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mamasmitty
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Thank you!! (I can tell!!! ) Here is another one that hasn't made it to the web page yet:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v6...ty/Lepord2.jpg
 
Old 01-04-2005, 02:58 PM
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very impressive.
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Old 01-04-2005, 04:35 PM
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mamasmitty
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Thank you again! Guess I'm putting my detatchment to good use!!!
 
Old 01-04-2005, 05:10 PM
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I am the one with the peeing husband at the party

and guess what. That never happened before, and he has had the same job for 5 or 6 years. He made great money, and sometimes was so amazing. when our first grand daughter was born her first xmas he picked her up took her to Only Diamonds shopping. He said he wanted her to see what a good life with a good husband would feel like from an early age. He bought me a pair of diamond earrings for Xmas that year. Every year after that he took her shopping for Xmas by himself. To buy gifts for her mom and dad, and for me. This year. He got drunk for the holidays starting at about Thanksgiving, didn't take her shopping for the first time ever, peed himself at my company gathering, took my diamond earrings back to Only Diamonds to trade them in for new bigger ones, got drunk and left them there and never picked them up. They will be there until they are sold. Because he dropped them off there, I will not humiliate myself by going to try to get them back. And the day after Xmas he went to his sisters house for a family gathering and got so drunk he peed himself repeatedly until my 22 year old nephew was so disgusted with his behavior he threw him out of the house drunk.
He went from a pretty decent guy sometimes, to drinking too much on the weekends to the degree that I would get mad at him every single weekend, to lieing about going hunting all weekend, sleeping in his truck in 30 degree weather in OHIO, so he could stay out drunk all weekend and I would think he was hunting. To finally the DUI that has him incarcerated, as we speak. He lost his great job, missed his first year of Xmas with us, missed his xmas shopping with our grand daughter. And he even had to incarcerate his best friend, his blood hound in a kennel until he get's out of jail....this has progressed so fast, and has affected so many even the dog. I would be concerned that if I would ever meet up with another soul, that drank until they were drunk, and did it regularly that I know I would run screaming in fear to some other state than OHIO...take good care of yourself, because who else is going to if you don't when you are married to an alcoholic...feeling your pain in OHIO
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Old 01-04-2005, 08:11 PM
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My once "oh so responsible" husband has now bankrupted us, we are on the verge of foreclosure and he can't find a new job and can't keep his business due to losing his liscense. I never believed it would happen. I am trying very hard to direct my energy where it needs to go.

Jenny
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Old 01-04-2005, 09:00 PM
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My AH of 16 years was very responsible. I have known him since I was 15... so I have known him almost 30 years. He had a great job, where we could go on nice vacations, buy things we wanted, didn't have to worry about money. He drank a lot during those days too. He always worked. We shared duties around the home, cooking, cleaning, laundry.. perfect happy family. Then the drinking just got worse and worse and his temprament changed and a horrible car accident, then pain killers.

I also know many people, just in the recent few years who have died as a direct result of alcohol. One was just 36 or 37, committed suicide - hung himself. One was about 40, liver stopped working and he was a successful stock broker, one had just turned 50 - liver shut down. About 10 years ago, my best friends husband was driving drunk about 50-60 miles per hour on a 20 mile per hour road and ran into a utility pole. Was it suicide? A 21 year old, the son of my old youth pastor, died in an ATV accident a couple weeks ago - drinking and no helmet. These people are not just friends of friends of friends, these are people that our family knows. My H was taken to the hospital this morning via ambulance because he was taking too much of his methadone, so he ran out, was going through withdrawals and decided to drink his way through the withdrawals. His home health care nurse (he is on IV antibiotics for an infection) found him and was afraid he was going to have a seizure, so called an ambulance.

I have no idea how I am going to pay all my bills now. I never used to have to worry about that. Isn't it supposed to get better as you get older? I guess it is poor poor pitiful me party night.

I don't mean to be blunt. But alcohol kills people. We all married kind, nice, wonderful spouses, but you have every reason to be concerned about his drinking. But, there is nothing you can do about it either. You either have to learn to live with it, or not.

It is indeed progressive and does get worse.
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Old 01-05-2005, 01:29 AM
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mamasmitty
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Oh Wraybear!!!!!! (((((((((HUG)))))))))) I am so sorry you are going through all that! So much sorrow in your life! I pray it gets better soon for you. You must be a very strong person. Thank you for sharing.
 

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