rockstargirl

My husband and I have been together 25 years, married almost 20 with 2 teenagers. He has been an alcoholic since his 20's. He was very high functioning and seemingly happy early in our marriage, but things deteriorated over the years, and the last 6-7 years have been really bad. He struggles with severe depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. There were times where he was just catatonic. He was a horrible road rager which terrified me when I was in the car with him. He was always negative about everyone and everything, criticizing me and the kids constantly. Quick tempered and never a real apology - always "I'm sorry you feel that way".

I begged him to get help and to stop drinking. His doctor told him to stop drinking due to liver damage, but he was in denial. We'd have the same fight all the time about his anger, his treatment of me, and his drinking. I think I've been mentally "checked out" of our marriage for at least 4 years.

When our daughter broke down and told me she was tired of seeing him be so mean to me and why couldn't he get help, I decided it was time. First, I asked for "space". He lived at the house but we didn't interact except at dinner or to deal with kids or house stuff. But then he started getting much more abusive, screaming at me at night, breaking into my room when I locked my door, getting in my face and just calling me terrible names. The next morning he'd act normal and say I was playing the victim and trying to make it seem worse because I don't care about the marriage anymore.

I finally kicked him out of the house and told him I was done... he should go stay with his brother, who was in rehab 18 months ago and has been mostly sober. He did this, and his brother got him to go to rehab. He's been there 10 days now. He keeps calling me saying he's there for me and the kids, and he'll do anything to save our marriage. I finally told him last night that I cannot promise what will happen to our marriage when he gets out, but that he just needs to focus on himself and to stop calling me every day.

I feel really hurt. I am scared of him coming home. I have zero trust in him, and I just can't see living a life where I'm just waiting for him to relapse. I am so relieved he's gone. I care about him, but I know I am not in love with him. I don't know if I want to try to make it work when he gets out. I feel guilty that I am abandoning him when he is in recovery and trying to make an effort, but I'm not sure I want to be married to him anymore, sober or not.

I feel like it's time for me to live my life on my terms. Is that wrong?

LucyIntheGarden

I am really glad to read the resolve in your words. Because you are correct: it is time to live your life on your terms. And believe me, your terms are basic to human survival: they are safety, security, sanity.

I personally feel that the spouse is the worst person to be "helping" an alcoholic. I think the spouse is a bad influence on an alcoholic and the chance for recovery. If you can't separate yourself from him because you think you will be hurting him, maybe tell yourself you are separating from him in order NOT to hurt him. NOT to hurt his chance to get well.

There is a crazy loop in a marriage of addiction. The alcoholic or addict is constantly drug-seeking, driven by his brain out of control, and the spouse is constantly rescue-seeking, driven by her brain out of control. There is, in my opinion, no way either can help the other.

I know you care about him. And I think the best thing you can do is to remove yourself from him and let recovering alcoholics fill that space.

Then put all your focus on getting well yourself. There is a lot of repairing to do. I wish you a fresh and hope-filled new beginning.

mattmathews

I remember a huge sense of relief when I dropped my spouse off at rehab and realized that she was somebody else's problem for the next 30 days. I think you're expressing the same feeling.
Just a suggestion, but consider having him continue to live with his sober brother for another 6 months or a year, or possibly a sober living house. He doesn't have to come home--let him earn the right to return. You don't feel safe, you should respect that feeling. You've done good by setting some boundaries and kicking him out of the house. Your kids are probably proud of you! They want what's best for you and are surely tired of watching you let yourself get hurt. Keep up that good work. It wouldn't hurt to get some counseling for yourself, it sounds like you've been thru a lot. The kids too!
The craving for alcohol is merely a symptom of the disease of alcoholism. He's still got a lot of work to do for himself if he want's to stay sober. We talk about allowing the alcoholic the dignity of experiencing the consequences of their own actions, and it sounds like that he's also got a lot of work in front of him to repair his broken relationships with you and his children. Again, just a suggestion, give him the time and space to actually do the work.

trailmix

Not wrong at all. Where is the line, where do you say enough abuse? Now is as good a time as any.

Sounds like your guilt might be misplaced? You're not abandoning him, he abandoned you long ago. His first alliance, for years has been to alcohol, his one true love - more important than you, his kids, his work, other family and friends.

Guilt should be reserved for when you do something wrong, when you really focus on this, what have you done wrong?

There is absolutely no guarantee that he will quit drinking, of course I hope he does, but it's very early days yet. There is sobriety (putting down the drug) and there is recovery, two very different things. Recovery is about looking at where you have been and why and addressing all that.

His phone calls about doing this "for" you all kind of just sounds like manipulation, maybe not even intentional, at this early stage he is just sober, no recovery yet.

Recovery is something you will know when you see it, humbleness, living life on life's terms, addressing his other issues, depression, anxiety (with a doctor, not a bottle) etc.

Personally, I would wait a year before even thinking about revisiting this relationship IF you even want to. A lot of damage has been done, no doubt and that can't be erased so easily.

Hawkeye13

I agree with what others have said above—he is just beginning to get sober, and is not yet in recovery. His daily phone calls are good evidence of that—his focus should be on learning all he can and absorbing strategies and help with recovery, not on trying to get back in the door. Right now trying to “repair” a relationship with this much abuse is a distraction from recovery for him, and will not benefit you.

You need time and space, and he needs to respect that—him pushing you to let him come back to your home (which I am pretty sure he will be asking soon if he hasn’t already) is not accepting consequences for his abuse, or listening to what you have told him you need. Trailmix is correct—at least a year of not only not drinking but showing some of the signs she mentions above that show he is working hard would be a minimum amount of time before you should consider whether you want this relationship in your life any longer.

They say if you want to know how much progress an alcoholic has made on their recovery, tell them “no” to something they want. The true colors typically show through pretty quickly. Right now he has support in rehab, so this would be the best time to not be ambiguous that you might take him back if you have doubts, but to clearly state you are not interested in reconciliation until at least a year, or perhaps not at all.

Search your feelings and what your heart tells you is best for you (not guilt about him) and be honest about where you are while he has the extra support to process it in the rehab center. You sound pretty done to me, and time to heal and reflect in a peaceful home will clarify things quite a bit. Someone breaking into your locked bedroom to scream at you repeatedly is traumatizing, so some counseling with a therapist familiar with alcoholism would really help you as well. Consider Alanon if you haven’t—it is free and people will understand where you are coming from.

I’m so sorry you have been through such a rough time—I hope he does choose sobriety, but as a former drinker as well as a family member of drinkers, the path he is just starting out on is long and difficult, and it is actually better for him to do that work apart from you as he will be emotionally volatile as he learns to process feelings “normally” without drinking them away, and also trying to fix his mess with his family is a kind of distraction from the very serious work he needs to do towards his recovery. Alcoholics also tend to blame instead of take responsibility, or they want you to forget all that ever happened since they stopped drinking “now”. Well, the harm has been done and doesn’t just vanish because they want it too. You have healing to do of your own, as do your kids. I wish all of you the very best—

velma929

Years ago, my neighbor asked her husband to leave. (As best I know, alcohol was not involved) She felt guilty about it because she made that vow - you know - until death parted them. She asked me what I thought.

I said if you're think you're never going to be in love with him again, isn't it better he is free to look for someone who could be? Having him jump through hoops and go through marital counseling and at the end have it still not work would be delaying the inevitable.

I have a friend who went to marital counseling and was finally frustrated enough to ask her [then] husband why he wouldn't do the exercises the counselor suggested. After months of stringing her along, he finally told her he didn't want to fix the marriage, he just thought the counseling would help her accept it better.

Sueby

You're not leaving him during his "hard time", he's had those all along. Right now he's where he can receive the most help and hopefully he leans into that. Calling everyday was always a tip that my ex wasn't taking it seriously, he was more interested in making sure I was still hooked than the treatment. He also met a lot of the women he cheated on me with at those facilities, but I digress lol.

My ex AH apparently entered a 28 day program recently, and he had our son text me to let me know he was there. Actually, he asked same son to text me prior to that, asking me to visit ex so I could "sign him into rehab" which was garbage. I simply said "no" to that text and didn't respond to the one saying he was in rehab. None of his prior rehabs had asked me to sign him in for treatment, so it was some sort of crap designed to get me to speak to him.

Our other son told me he's now home, as he left early because "he's done it before and knows what to do, could teach it by now!". My son gave me the update in case he ends up on my doorstep wanting something - he's forever in need of money or 'favors'. I haven't spoken with him in roughly 2 yrs and I intend to keep that streak going!! I don't wish him ill at all, I hoped this one would stick for our sons' sakes, but I don't want to deal with him or his addiction(s) any longer.

toomanychances

No you are not wrong. We only get one life and we should be happy in it.

I kind of wish I hadn't wasted the past however years - he relapsed and my kids saw me not being treated well. That's not ok.

Oh how I relate to your post about him yelling mean words at your then the next day acting normal. That happened to me so many times. It was like ground hogs day.

mylifeismine

How are you doing? I hope you are well. No, it is not wrong to want to live life on your terms.Just because a loved one decides they want to jump out of a plane without a parachute does not mean you have to go with them. Not what you signed up for. Tell him- one year sober and you will consider- no promises, at all. I have 40+ years of experience with alcohol abusers. I have forgiven myself,mostly. Do what is good for you, that is what is right,what I know to be true.

Eauchiche

He'll "do anything to save" your marriage? He destroyed your marriage many years ago. He also destroyed any relationship with his kids.
You have not been married to a real man. You have been married to a bratty little boy inside a man's body.

I am proud of you for kicking him out. What you did shows great strength of character. Quite remarkable after years of living in an environment that erodes character.

Please, stick with your decision and surround yourself with the support you need. Do this for you and your children.

rockstargirl

Update...

Thank you all for your messages, wise words, and encouragement. I have been seeing a therapist for 5 months who specializes in addiction. She's been very helpful.

Everyone at rehab tried to convince him to stay another 30 days at their sober living house, but he refused. He stayed with his family for a week then came back to our town. I told him he was not to stay at the house. He actually did respect my wishes. He is staying with friends and getting ready to rent his own place.

We've only talked a couple of times since he's been back. He asked me to go to lunch with him, and I met him there. He looked so much healthier. He said he'd completely changed... which I am like, you were in rehab 30 days so basically you are 40 days sober. I'm not trying to minimize this at all, but at the same time, he's trying to convince me he is completely new person after just 40 days. I told him I am happy for his sobriety, but I am not in a place where I am ready to even talk about our marriage or honestly even forgiveness. It felt heartless and blunt, but it's how I feel.

He took our teenagers to lunch yesterday and talked with them. According to my daughter, he told them the same thing he told me - he is a completely new person, he is sorry for "being such a bad father", and all he wants is for our family to be back together. He also commented that obviously mom is having an easy time without him, to which my daughter actually said "That's not true. She's doing her best but it's not easy for her either". I was so proud of her for speaking up for me, and I told her as much.

He wants to talk to me tomorrow at the house. I don't see the point. I feel like he doesn't hear me, and that he is being manipulative and pushy. He's so focused on us getting back together. I have been clear: I do not want you living at the house. At some point I may be able to forgive you but that does not mean we will ever be back together as a married couple. He said he'll wait as long as it takes to prove to me he's changed. For me, though, it's not the change. He's been a big liar, manipulative, and mean for so long, I just don't see how he thinks I am supposed to see how he is magically "fixed". I look at him, and I just feel nothing for him except sadness...

My divorce lawyer recommended that I wait until he gets settled into his new place before filing for divorce, if that's what I want to do.

trailmix

I totally get it. There are quite a few stories here of couples where the husband or wife finally gets sober, or attempts sobriety and they are good to go back to 'normal' now!

I think with alcoholism, many times the alcoholic is so acutely focused on "their" issue and "their" life and their "drug" and their "suffering" that the impact on everyone else is, to them, diminished. Or it's just that they aren't experiencing what you and your kids are, so it's out of their realm of understanding.

Also many times the family focus is the alcoholism. The discussions are around how you can't go on with the drinking, fix the drinking, that may be all he heard really and now he has done that!

In the interim though you and your kids have been through so much. It's not just about the alcoholism being the problem, it's the fact that the relationship gets severely damaged during that time. As I'm sure you know, even good relationships need attention. Rocky relationships (because can you really even have one with an alcoholic) with no attention - well, it looks like that is where you are.

All that to say, I get where you are at and he does not understand it.

You get to decide how you want to proceed, of course.

I don't see the point of him talking to you tomorrow at your place either. You said he is being manipulative and pushy, you've probably had more than enough of that?

They say if you want to know where an alcoholic is at, try saying no.

Branches

I'm new here and just read this, but I wanted to add one small thing: My first husband was an alcoholic. When we separated, he was cool. After I filed for divorce, he would come over when I was not at home and help himself to kitchenware and other things - under the guise of "I'm entitled to half." He helped himself to some of my heirlooms from my grandmother. Then I hired a locksmith and changed the locks, packed up all his stuff, that was still in the house and put it in our detached garage. That was 20 years ago. If I were doing it today, in light of his breaking into your room when drunk, I would get an alarm system if you don't have one. There are reasonably priced ones that you can install yourself ( I did it) and have very good monitoring. Cost about 20 a month after you buy the system. If you want to send me a private message, I will give you the name of the system I use. Bonus: if you move, you can take it with you. It's not hardwired. At the very least, change the locks. I came home one day also and found my very drunk husband at the house with my kids, demanding to know where I'd been and with who. Doesn't hurt to be extra careful to the extent that you can be. I wish you all the best going forward