rockstargirl

My husband and I have been together 25 years, married almost 20 with 2 teenagers. He has been an alcoholic since his 20's. He was very high functioning and seemingly happy early in our marriage, but things deteriorated over the years, and the last 6-7 years have been really bad. He struggles with severe depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. There were times where he was just catatonic. He was a horrible road rager which terrified me when I was in the car with him. He was always negative about everyone and everything, criticizing me and the kids constantly. Quick tempered and never a real apology - always "I'm sorry you feel that way".

I begged him to get help and to stop drinking. His doctor told him to stop drinking due to liver damage, but he was in denial. We'd have the same fight all the time about his anger, his treatment of me, and his drinking. I think I've been mentally "checked out" of our marriage for at least 4 years.

When our daughter broke down and told me she was tired of seeing him be so mean to me and why couldn't he get help, I decided it was time. First, I asked for "space". He lived at the house but we didn't interact except at dinner or to deal with kids or house stuff. But then he started getting much more abusive, screaming at me at night, breaking into my room when I locked my door, getting in my face and just calling me terrible names. The next morning he'd act normal and say I was playing the victim and trying to make it seem worse because I don't care about the marriage anymore.

I finally kicked him out of the house and told him I was done... he should go stay with his brother, who was in rehab 18 months ago and has been mostly sober. He did this, and his brother got him to go to rehab. He's been there 10 days now. He keeps calling me saying he's there for me and the kids, and he'll do anything to save our marriage. I finally told him last night that I cannot promise what will happen to our marriage when he gets out, but that he just needs to focus on himself and to stop calling me every day.

I feel really hurt. I am scared of him coming home. I have zero trust in him, and I just can't see living a life where I'm just waiting for him to relapse. I am so relieved he's gone. I care about him, but I know I am not in love with him. I don't know if I want to try to make it work when he gets out. I feel guilty that I am abandoning him when he is in recovery and trying to make an effort, but I'm not sure I want to be married to him anymore, sober or not.

I feel like it's time for me to live my life on my terms. Is that wrong?