Batgirl273

I haven't posted in a while. Late last year, my ex came back to me. He was a binge drinker who slowly spiraled into depression, suicidal ideations and complete loss of control. He left me for another woman at the worst of it and we didn't speak for 2 years. I don't drink, never had a problem with it, just don't enjoy it. I also didn't enable him as we lived apart and set regular boundaries which he interpreted as being uncaring and unsupportive of course.

He ended up getting sober and contacted me 11 months into sobriety to apologize and see if we had any hope. Our break up was the catalyst for him getting himself together, as well as his relationship with the other woman being miserable once he wasn't using anymore and had to face their incompatibilities. He was not working a program, rather had a private counsellor. I could physically see healthy change in him. He lost a lot of weight, clearer skin, and was very active.

From November until March, we had tried reconciling. Where I went wrong, was taking him at his word. He had a couple relapses in December I supported him through which I expected but he stayed sober after that. He refused therapy for our issues related to the infidelity and lying from before. He felt he deserved a clean slate and that me bringing up the past was triggering. He felt I was living in the past and not moving forward, I felt he was invalidating my pain and not helping me heal from it. We had 2 years apart but that doesn't make me forget and it doesn't absolve his behavior. I told him I needed consistent actions, honesty, transparency to get through it and felt I was making good progress with trust. But then he started going MIA and distant for periods in February, and it triggered me to ask "what are you doing/who are you with?" And he would get defensive and angry that I was accusing him like the past. Then, my friend caught him on Tinder. He excused that of course "i was looking to see if you were on there because I'm insecure you want revenge, i wasn't doing it out of lonliness like before."

Then in March, he gradually stopped seeing and contacting me regularly. I called out the behavior again, and he gave me the old "i've been thinking and i need to focus on myself. I'm not rushing anything." i asked if there was someone else again, to which he flipped out for accusing him and told me to stop guilting him then told me goodbye, so i blocked him. Thanks to social media, i see there is indeed someone new.

I'm upset obviously but not devestated. I listened to my gut this time. I know I tried. I am just trying to make sense of it and why now, this new person is getting the healthier, sober version of him. Our communication started off so good when we reconnected. We had 3 solid months of a healthy, mature relationship and I could see a big change. But then it turned seemingly once he met someone else. He's sober, but clearly there's some kind of other issue that causes him to seek out new people? Why even come back to me after 2 years of no contact then, if he wanted to do that? Anyone else experience this?

BlownOne

Because he's not working a program. True recovery promotes real honesty and a change away from the selfish and manipulative actions of the past. Sobriety on its own means very little without a change in behaviors and attitudes. Smoke and mirrors. Focus on yourself. He still has a heck of a lot of growing up to do. Trust me, she's not getting the "healthier, sober version". She's getting sucked in to the same tactics he used on you. Peace to you.

biminiblue

Here's my take on it.

He didn't want to be alone when things got weird with the new woman, and he didn't have anyone else on the string.

He called you and you hopped back on board.

He has a need to have new partners. A lot of people do. Being alone or being with one person just doesn't give that addiction "hit" - that intense dopamine/oxytocin rush. Many people jump from one new sexual partner to another, or have several at once.

It's not you (or, it's not all you.) He's doing what he's always done.

Scorpion and the frog:

Hawkeye13

He is only a “new, heathier version” of a serial liar and cheater who isn’t actually in recovery.

You were wise to trust your gut.

Take it as a lesson learned towards a wiser future

aasharon90

When folks enter recovery, they have many lessons that
need to be learned and relearned and some of those lessons
take longer to learn or sink in.

With willingness to learn and do what is right in life and
within themselves, honesty and openmindedness also
is part of the equation.

When folks do the footwork in recovery using a guideline
to clearing away old habits, old behaviors, making right
all the wrongs done along the way, being honest in all their
affairs, with themselves and others around them, then
their true selves will emerge.

It takes work in recovery to repair damage along
the way that addiction does to each person. Some
do the work and become a healthy, happy, honest
person to have around and others, it make take time
and the rest, don't make it. Which is sad.

Take care of you because you are important to
happiness, peace and blessings.

trailmix

He might be healthier - but certainly not a better version?

I'll hazard a guess here, because they are the ones that are looking for a healthy relationship, where none is to be had? They look at a persons potential. Of course it's possible if the person enters recovery and all that entails, but that's not the story here and certainly not in many cases.

He was a liar and a cheater when he was drunk, he got sober, now he is a sober liar and cheater.

There is a thought sometimes that if he/she would just stop drinking! all would be well. That's just not really true in many cases.

I'm sorry you got hurt again. Trust yourself going forward?

Batgirl273

thats where i'm struggling. Apparently he's been honest with the new person about his addiction and stopped seeing others to focus on her. (again, thank social media for all this because people air their personal lives all over it). It makes me question why she's so deserving of the truth and I wasn't. But i can't dwell on that or i'll go nuts.

I'm absolutely trusting my gut going forward, as thats how I ended this now instead of another year or 2 from now. I was hesitant to reconnect but didn't want to wonder 'what if' the rest of my life. My gut wasn't telling me not to initially, either. But that change in behavior did it. Its really hard not to personalize this and blame myself for his drinking, lying or cheating. I feel like i was a trigger for him at his worst, and a bad memory for him at his best.

suki44883

She isn't more deserving of the truth. There is no way of knowing what "truth" he is telling her. You already know the real truth, and he knows that. You already know he is a liar, but this is his chance to con someone else into believing whatever he tells them. This way, he has his "clean slate" he feels he deserves.

If it were me, I would stop reading about them on social media. It serves no purpose other than to make you upset. Block all forms of contact and tell any friends that you don't want to hear anything about him. I'm sorry you were hurt again, but now you know and can start healing and moving on. Best of luck to you.

trailmix

Yes it will make you cuckoo for cocopops.

But when you find yourself dwelling, challenge it. What makes you think that the lying, cheating addict is all of a sudden an upstanding person?

Maybe the new woman is accepting of his alcoholism. He may have told her she is the one! He posts happy pictures on facebook.

Were you two ever happy, particularly in the beginning? If you posted pictures at that time, wouldn't your relationship seem fantastic? Was it?

In time he will do the same things again, unless he has had an amazing epiphany (seems unlikely don't you think).

Batgirl273

Well, the epiphany is what he allegedly had when he came back after 2 years lol. It took 3-4 months for old behaviors to show again even though we started off on the right path with communicating and honesty.

And yeah, you're right. I think back to when we first met and how he treated me, how eager I was to believe him.. how charming he was. His ex watched that all unfold on socials too and thought he changed for me. Wrong. I don't know why I'm selling myself a different narrative that I was collateral damage in him becoming a better partner for someone else. Probably because he moved on so fast and I am still heartbroken, scared and trying to process.

trailmix

In my experience, people just do not change like that, not ever. I mean say someone had some huge traumatic event, like a horrible accident and they found religion. Well that's one thing. But I suspect those events are rare.

Unfortunately it takes time to heal from these things. But you will get to better days and you will laugh and smile (and probably wonder what you ever saw in him), but again, that takes time. When you start to change your narrative, you will probably find yourself getting angry (rather than sad).

A better partner for someone else. No, he will do the same to her as he has done historically. You may think you made a difference in his behaviours, he probably told you that, he may even have believed it at the time. But, no one can fight their nature without a huge commitment to change (and probably a lot of professional help).

velma929

There used to be an adage that giving a drunk coffee didn't sober him or her up. You just end up with a wide-awake drunk. The same goes with simply deciding to stop picking up the bottle.

My ex from my somewhat mis-spent youth was marvelous for the first few months - then started cheating and being inconsiderate. He then went on to treat a series of women the same way (according to one of his friends). He died alone a little over a year ago. No fraternal organizations, no hobbies, no children, no longterm companion.

Bekindalways

Most of us Codependents want to think we can make a profound difference in our qualifiers' behavior. This of course is not true.

For me, my addiction is thinking I can be the hero for others. I am huge into involving myself in things that are none of my business. Ugh. It is tricky as we all need support, community and relationships. It has been my life-long work to figure out what part of life is mine for changing. Someone else's lying, drinking and sex life is way outside of what I should be concerning myself with.

Best to you Batgirl as you navigate your grief. It does hurt beyond hurt. Let us know how you get on.

needuall

I know quite a few alcoholics, some trying to stay sober, some not. I do think some really want to be healthy and be the type of person they know you want and deserve but know they can not do it long term so will pull away from anyone they feel serious about and go in opposite direction. It is easier when their disease tries to pull them down again. I do think true recovery is possible but I think requires a very strong spiritual connection to your higher power- only my opinion.

edoering

This is 100% a sign he’s not really in recovery. A huge part of recovery is accepting life on life’s terms and taking accountability for yourself. Realizing you don’t get a “clean slate,” you just keep doing the best you can every chance you get, and that’s got to be enough. You learn you are who you are choosing to be every day, every moment.

You’re not really looking at a changed man. And addiction is progressive if you aren’t actively combatting it with recovery. Even if he’s more superficially doing well at the moment, most people here on this forum have experienced the gradual decline that happens when they aren’t in active recovery. When my ex started pulling away from his recovery (7 years clean and sober and a very healthy, supportive partner the whole time), it was about a year that he was someone I didn’t recognize and was regressing into addict behavior. In that time, I posted more on social media about us than I ever had before (subconsciously, did not realize until hindsight!), as if I thought I could subconsciously protect our good relationship and remind him (and myself) what it looked like and felt like at our happiest. So I do not EVER believe social media anymore. All the happiest couples I know don’t post. For what it’s worth.

PineappleGirl78

It doesn't sound like he is that serious about getting himself together. He also seems like he is just keeping you on the hook for whenever other relationships fail or are going badly so he can get attention and love/support/dopamine from you. Don't let yourself be in that trap anymore. You deserve a better someone as well. I would love yourself for awhile and see your own therapist, talk it out with some smart friends or family you respect, and keep busy. If you have kids schedule play dates or throw yourself more into your work. Start a project on your house or apartment, even if it's just getting organized or decluttering. If there was a hobby you've put on hold start it up again ---piano, reading, thrifting, walking, swimming, cooking, etc. He is keeping you from getting over him and keeping you from being happy. Hope some of this helps.