LoveMyAHusband

My husband of about 2 years, who I love incredibly much, is new to “recovery”. About 8 months ago he started drinking all day, and 6 months ago he ended up in a hospital and in detox for a week. He stopped drinking with only a couple slips, each of which were very eye-opening for him. A few weeks ago he finally started AA but started drinking a bit (thought he was hiding it well) almost every day. Despite the drinking, he has been doing quite a bit of the real work (weekly therapy, reading the big book, going to daily meetings) and coming to some real honest truths about his addiction, as well as uncovering some of the reasons why he got here. I’m very proud of him for that, and I know he is very strong. However, I set a hard boundary that if he drinks while our (my) teens are in our care, he can’t stay in our home. Today was his 5th day sober, but he came home from AA drunk. I told him to sleep it off but that he needs to go in the morning (because I have to stick to my boundaries, and I’m responsible for the kids’ well-being).

My question is what do I do now? I want to write him a letter of encouragement because I really do believe he can do this, but it sounds hollow given that I’m asking him to stay somewhere else. Also, how long should he be sober before I can let him back in? I’m going to miss him so very much. And I’ve tried to support him along this bumpy road, but I just feel like I have to draw the line when it affects the kids. I just don’t even know if I’m strong enough, and I know for sure that I don’t actually want him gone. What do I do?

trailmix

Hi LMH, glad you found the forum.

First things first, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

I believe you have made the right decision, as tough at it is. My Father was an alcoholic and the best place for him (and for us) was away from us. That's just the simple truth. It hurts you, hurts your children and really, it hurts all of his relationships. In a round-a-bout way, you are actually helping him in his relationships with them.

So what do you do? Wait. More will be revealed. I'm guessing he had a history of drinking prior to the 8 month - drinking all day - bout. He is starting to discover why he is where he is and that's a good thing. His actions will tell you when and if he is ready to return to your home. Generally, a year of solid sobriety and being in recovery (two different things) is a good indicator that he might be on his way to a sober life, not a guarantee of course.

Alcoholism will never "go away", it can be controlled by not drinking, that's the only way. It's also important to not brush off "slips" in sobriety. They aren't really slips, they are drinking, so he wasn't sober. He didn't abstain for however many months. He was also hiding drinking from you, which means he is lying. What you saw or caught him drinking may just be a small portion of what he really was (and may still be) drinking.

I hope you will read some of the other threads in the forum as well and learn as much about addiction as you can (for you, not for him). His journey to sobriety is his own.

I don't know if a letter of encouragement would sound hollow, but it might sound condescending?

biminiblue

Yeah, as a problem drinker in recovery myself - don't give him a letter. If he's drinking he could either use it against you at some point in the future or he'll keep reading it over and over to himself and his AA buddies or other friends and family and it isn't going to be any help. Anything you put in writing can be used against you so I'd be really careful.

Unfortunately I agree with trailmix on the one year timeline. ANY drinks at all are dangerous for him. Not even one.

You have a difficult road ahead. Honestly if it were me I'd file for Legal Separation so you are not financially or legally tied to any bad decisions he may/will make in the next year. I also wouldn't hold my breath that he will actually quit for any amount of time. It's not the trajectory most heavy drinkers will EVER take, and sobriety usually doesn't last the first (or twentieth) time they try. I hope you'll read around on the Alcoholism and Newcomers sections of this site and see just how difficult it really is to quit drinking for any amount of time and how long it takes to regain sanity and a healthy life.

Good for you for putting your kids (and by extention, yourself) first. Keep doing that.

Imhappy4me

Stick to your boundaries. You are on the right track with that. The letter isn’t necessary in my opinion, I agree with above, he could possibly and more then likely just use everything you say against you. In addition to that, the letter won’t keep him sober. You can’t keep him sober. Control what you can. Focus on yourself. Get yourself some help. You need help. You need support. Try Al-Anon.

LoveMyAHusband

Well, he packed all his things up and left today. I feel heartbroken. He swung between blame for me asking him to leave and promising he’ll do the work to come back. I believe he genuinely wants to, but I know he was drinking again tonight so I know I made the right choice. I miss my best friend so terribly much - we truly are a wonderful fit for each other, and I wish him so much healing. I want him to be safe and healthy. (I’ve been to a handful of Al-Anon meetings over the past couple weeks - I feel at peace with this decision even though it feels impossibly hard).

Imhappy4me

Excellent. Keep going back.

trailmix

I'm glad you are going to Al Anon and I hope you have a really supportive group.

It is impossibly hard, but you know you are right. Being right isn't always a happy thing.

Even if you wouldn't do this for yourself (I hope you would) this is kind of the bottom line. He is also responsible to provide a safe environment for the kids and for everyone really. If you can't depend on the adults in the household to behave responsibly, who can you count on?

You are actually also setting a great example by showing them that you don't just stay "loyal" and stay with someone when their behaviour has become intolerable. That's a big deal.

Now is a great time to focus on yourself and what you want.

biminiblue

I am so sorry this has happened but you are so very wise and you've done the right thing.

This is the best chance for both of you (all of you, kids too.) Some problem drinkers see something like this as a wake-up call and some just drink more to drown their sorrows. Regardless, he did this to you all. I hope he gets some help for the drinking and whatever else he has going on. It's not your job to fix him.

Let go and let God.

LoveMyAHusband

Having a panic moment today. Hubby went on quite the bender last week/weekend, but it seems he’s righted himself and doing much better this week. He’s gotten a new sponsor, is talking about finding a job, is attending regular meetings again, and made it through day one of staying clean (he’d also stepped down from vodka to beer for a day or two to ease withdrawal symptoms).

And now I’m panicking. I miss him like crazy. He and I talk about upcoming events that we’ll do together and our future together and tell each other we love and miss each other. But, especially after yesterday’s Al-Anon meeting where it seemed like everyone lived with their addict spouse for a decade or two and then got ditched as soon as they had some recovery under them, I’m worrying that he’s laying down roots an hour away from us and could choose not to come back in the end. He’s not particularly interested in residential or day treatment, so with only once a week therapy this living separately thing could go on for a very long time. And he’s staying with his mom, who hates me and doesn’t want me around (easier to blame me than him or alcohol, right?). I’m just so scared of losing him. I love him so much, and we only just found each other 2.5 years ago. We have a whole rest of a lifetime of plans together. Have I made a mistake forcing him to make all these decisions separately from us?

trailmix

I understand your panic, however he hasn't actually done anything yet. He hasn't drank for one day. One.

I hate the term "future tripping" but it applies here. You have him sober and loving and ideal and he's still - drinking. Nothing has changed.

As I mentioned above, if you won't do this for yourself (and I get that codependency is hard to kick) I hope you will continue as you are for the kids. Living with an alcoholic is horrible for kids, truly. It's not safe emotionally, it's confusing, it's scary and it sends all the wrong messages to people growing up. Stay with a partner or put up with a friend that doesn't show respect for you. Someone is unkind or abusive to you or just checked out? Remain loyal!

Sometimes people will change once they become sober and not want the living arrangement they had before or the relationship. Living with them while they drink isn't the answer, of course, as your Al Anon group spoke about. You can keep him close, but that won't change that. You aren't forcing him to make decisions without you? You can discuss anything you want. But it is truly up to him what he is prepared to do.

It's possible your Husband will break ties. It's also possible he will get sober and decide to come back and really commit to a good relationship. Right now, you don't know any of that - because, nothing has changed.

LoveMyAHusband

My mind may be running in circles, but I’m staying strong on my decision, and I’ve prepared the kids to expect he will be gone for several months at LEAST. What I need, however, is to find a way to quiet my mind. As you pointed out, it’s so early that I have no idea how his sobriety journey will go, and even if it goes well, I have no idea what the outcome of our relationship ship will me. This means worry and anxiety are pointless because they won’t change anything or make the future any more certain. I know that, but my mind still won’t stop running in circles, no matter how much I try to focus on “self-care”. What helps you guys find calm in the present given such an uncertain future?

Imhappy4me

I’ve been with my husband 9 years. We’ve been on the same roller coaster you’re on for 9 years. He was sober for 1 year and relapsed; now he’s sober 7 months. I’m constantly in fear that he will drink again and wreak devastation on our lives again. To answer your question, I started taking my power back by going to the gym, individual therapy, attending Al anon weekly and reading Al anon literature. It’s helped me tremendously and I’m ready to commit to my wellness with this routine for life. Taking care of me, is saving me. Control what you can. Take care of you.

trailmix

A couple of suggestions. Don't try to stop yourself from thinking about it, but maybe try to manage it. Take time each day to actually think about it, maybe half an hour after dinner or some other time you choose.

Write down the main points that you keep ruminating about. Then maybe offer yourself some solutions. This might help, as right now, it's just what if, so answer yourself - well I have 2 choices and they are -. Then you aren't just asking yourself open ended questions constantly. When you find yourself ruminating, refer back to your list. As things come to you, add them to the list quickly to see to at your set time. For instance:

What if <husband's name> does not stop drinking?

- He can't come back to live with us until he has stopped
- I will have someone rent out the basement for the time being (or whatever you would need to do - separate finances, change the insurance on the car, take him off the allowed pick up list at school).

If Husband stops drinking:

- It will have to be with support
- Minimum of 1 year sober before he can live at home again, but with increased visiting as he stays sober longer
- Set up date nights after 6 months

What I would like to do:

- Join a pottery class
- Learn to play the keyboard
- Go for a walk outside for at least 20 minutes every day
- Get in to a routine
- Take a cooking class (or psychology or skateboarding, whatever you like)

You get the idea and leave room (if you are doing a hard copy) to add as things pop in to your head. Then you have "taken care" of those thoughts and you know you are coming back to it after dinner and can add on or remove whatever you like.

LoveMyAHusband

Thank you for all the practical advice!! I am trying so hard to be ok with this, but it’s been incredibly difficult. Things were so good in the couple months before I asked him to leave (essentially we only had 1 really bad month and 4 not great months in the the entire 2.5 year relationship of being together nearly 24/7 through lockdowns and remote work and a ton of wonderful travel) - that a whole lot of good and not a lot of bad. I really, really miss him SO MUCH. But he hasn’t talked to me in a couple days, so I think he fell off the bandwagon again, again confirming the right choice, I think. But then I wonder if I’d let him stay if he would’ve found it easier to stay strong. Gosh, this is SO HARD.

Carlotta

You are doing your best and I know you are probably super worried. As someone who has been on both side of the fence (I am an alcoholic and I was also in a relationship with an alcoholic/serial relapser who unlike your husband was abusive), I can assure you that him being with you or not changes nothing.

It would not be easier to stay strong if his addictive voice is being really loud and he doesn't know how to manage it. Being with you would just make the logistics of drinking more difficult but if he wants to, there is nothing you could do to stop him. God knows I tried with my X and drove myself half crazy trying to help him and blaming myself at times.

I took him to rehab, detoxes, meetings you name it and I would always take him back when he walked out of rehabs etc. because I thought that being with me would help him be stronger.

I am really glad I joined Al Anon (this was over 20 years ago).
This gave me the tools to focus on myself and deal with some of my codependency issues rather than keep trying to fix another alcoholic (and neglect my own program and drive myself nuts in the process).

Whatever he does this weekend is HIS choice and has nothing to do with your decision to protect yourself and stick to your boundaries.
You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.

What you do this weekend is also you choice. You can drive yourself crazy with worries and what ifs or you can chose to let go of the outcome and have a good weekend and do some nice activities you enjoy or chores which need done.

JanuaryStrlight

This won’t be a long message, since it would just be a recap of what others have said (and I second all of it—especially I’d advise you not to write that letter since it will accomplish little other than potentially create backfiring trouble for you, speaking from experience) but you are absolutely doing the right thing.

I love my AH with all my heart, but 14 years later his dependency on alcohol has broken that same heart so badly it’s unfixable. If I leave him, I need to accept and prepare for the fact that I will be alone for the rest of my life because I will never be able to bring myself to trust anyone enough to spend my life with them. It sounds SO DRAMATIC (like how about I press the back of my hand to my forehead…pfff) but it is what it is. Early on, I was so gung-ho to support and help him—optimistic about his future and proud of his “efforts.” Now here I am, little better than a robot on an automated schedule.

It was all the same, or at least a similar, pattern then. I loved and enjoyed him and bent over backwards to support and encourage him. I defended him from family and friends. I kept secrets. I tolerated and even justified things no sane, rational, or self-respecting person would.

You are doing the wisest and best thing for yourself and your children. I understand loving him and missing him. Even now, I’m there. It’s so hard, but the fact is you won’t be able to separate your best friend from the alcoholic in the end. He’s still drinking. I’m glad you’re laying your boundaries and sticking to them now, when there is still love and a positive outlook. It hurts, but it’s the best thing.

Stick to it. Take care of yourself first. Hang in there. Sending you lots of love. ❤️

trailmix

It is hard and maybe impossible to feel ok with it.

You can't accept that you set a boundary, he stomped all over it and you held that boundary. Until you do, you will be wholly unsettled. Things just need to unfold now as they will, you can't control that (really).

That's another good reason to have boundaries, so that when X situation arises, you aren't hemming and hawing about what to do, you already know where you stand. You don't have to make the decision when emotions are high, because you have already.

Now your emotions are high, so yes, you are second guessing yourself. You can go to an alternative (but it's not a great idea for you or your children).

You can choose to accept him just the way he is, period. You don't get to change him at all. You would need to accept his drinking in your house and in front of your kids. No nagging, no boundary, just as he is.

That's your only alternative. He was at home and wasn't sober, you can invite him back but it won't have changed, he won't be "more committed" to staying sober. It never worked before, why would it now?

Live

All great advice above! I would add one thing: do not keep track of his drinking, being the alcohol police. It will drive you crazy! We have a truism around here that "more will be revealed". Save yourself from the stress and worry. Not only are they powerless over alcohol, but so are we.

Sueby

He’d drink no matter what because it has nothing to do with your presence ❤️