Is this really rock bottom?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 34
Is this really rock bottom?
Would someone after a rock bottom moment continue to drink in moderation?
AH wrecked his car a while back and described that as a rock bottom. Once he fessed up, he said he was taking an "indefinite break" from alcohol. He drank 2 weeks later. He hasn't drank as much, and I know he may be fudging his self-reports and/or using drugs but he definitely doesn't seem drunk.
I guess I was just thinking about the likely impact of this event. He wrecked his car, got a nicer new one (paid cash for it), still drinks some, still hangs out with drinking buddies (albeit not as often). The major consequence is that I've been angry and distant and have told him I'm leaving but haven't yet.
It's not like I want to punish him, but I do worry this event hasn't adequately shocked some sense into him.
I'm starting to think his description of rock bottom gave me a false sense of hope for change, especially when I read the above. Those who've seen or experienced a rock bottom, does this sound like it's all talk?
ETA: I am working on leaving him. I just keep second guessing myself and need reminders of how I got here.
AH wrecked his car a while back and described that as a rock bottom. Once he fessed up, he said he was taking an "indefinite break" from alcohol. He drank 2 weeks later. He hasn't drank as much, and I know he may be fudging his self-reports and/or using drugs but he definitely doesn't seem drunk.
I guess I was just thinking about the likely impact of this event. He wrecked his car, got a nicer new one (paid cash for it), still drinks some, still hangs out with drinking buddies (albeit not as often). The major consequence is that I've been angry and distant and have told him I'm leaving but haven't yet.
It's not like I want to punish him, but I do worry this event hasn't adequately shocked some sense into him.
I'm starting to think his description of rock bottom gave me a false sense of hope for change, especially when I read the above. Those who've seen or experienced a rock bottom, does this sound like it's all talk?
ETA: I am working on leaving him. I just keep second guessing myself and need reminders of how I got here.
Last edited by wellthen; 02-01-2023 at 07:36 AM. Reason: forgot to say something
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,436
It is all talk—I’d bet hard money on it. Alcoholics cannot ever go back to moderate drinking, even if it seems to “work” for awhile. The amounts and frequency always escalate, and chances are he is already not being honest with amount or how often he’s drinking.
I’ve been both drinker and family member, so have been on both sides. Time will pretty quickly tell—protect yourself meanwhile and trust your gut.
I’ve been both drinker and family member, so have been on both sides. Time will pretty quickly tell—protect yourself meanwhile and trust your gut.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Would someone after a rock bottom moment continue to drink in moderation?
This is probably hard to understand, it still is for me...and I was there!!!.
I wish I could help you sort through this but all I can say is that the ultimate decider on my date of sobriety was me and me alone. My decision didn't follow any definite timeline, events, nor logic. It happened when I decided it was time. The good news is that it can and does happen, for me it was almost 20 years ago.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
He's not done. This is no rock bottom.
In fact, really, there is no such thing. Stopping drinking is an individual "thing". Like Nez said, rock bottom for nez was a whimper of exhaustion. For some it's their family walking out, for some it's jail time or a DUI or totalling a car.
For some, they have just had enough of the destruction of their lives, or wanting a better way of living. So bottom line, it can't be identified until afterward.
I'm sure you have been here before, false sense of hope then let down (that is the answer to how you got here). You can ride this one out if you choose to, however, your expectations will hopefully be incredibly low this time. Hope is not a bad thing, however allowing yourself to be disappointed and hurt over and over is bad for you.
In fact, really, there is no such thing. Stopping drinking is an individual "thing". Like Nez said, rock bottom for nez was a whimper of exhaustion. For some it's their family walking out, for some it's jail time or a DUI or totalling a car.
For some, they have just had enough of the destruction of their lives, or wanting a better way of living. So bottom line, it can't be identified until afterward.
I'm starting to think his description of rock bottom gave me a false sense of hope for change
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 316
Absolutely not rock-bottom. My ex alcoholic husband got a DWI with my three year old in the car, he had his mug shot posted on social media along with the news story. He was a high-level executive in a pretty small town. NOT rock bottom. He's lost his entire life and family and lives in a trailer. Not rock bottom.
rock-bottom is one of my good friends, in her 30s, starting to drink wine first thing in the morning, drinking wine dropping her kids off on the way to school. Spending most days wasted. Realizing that is not how she wanted to live, without others pushing her (they didn't know, her husband worked out of town weeks at a time), then checking her self into rehab saying she wanted to change and actually living out that change talking openly about it.
rock-bottom is showing you with their actions they want to change, without anyone pushing them. You can't want something for him. Only he can want it for himself.
keep moving forward, you'll be better off.
rock-bottom is one of my good friends, in her 30s, starting to drink wine first thing in the morning, drinking wine dropping her kids off on the way to school. Spending most days wasted. Realizing that is not how she wanted to live, without others pushing her (they didn't know, her husband worked out of town weeks at a time), then checking her self into rehab saying she wanted to change and actually living out that change talking openly about it.
rock-bottom is showing you with their actions they want to change, without anyone pushing them. You can't want something for him. Only he can want it for himself.
keep moving forward, you'll be better off.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Wellthen-
I did not experience a rock bottom for my loved one that got me here.
I kept seeing "snapshots" of behavior that would have been my rock bottom so spent a lot of time thinking abut them, hoping it was it etc.
I finally started to do better (and it took a very long time) - when I realized that it did not matter what my qualifiers rock bottom was, it mattered what mine was.
You don't have to know it now, but you will know what yours is.
I did not experience a rock bottom for my loved one that got me here.
I kept seeing "snapshots" of behavior that would have been my rock bottom so spent a lot of time thinking abut them, hoping it was it etc.
I finally started to do better (and it took a very long time) - when I realized that it did not matter what my qualifiers rock bottom was, it mattered what mine was.
You don't have to know it now, but you will know what yours is.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery 
Wellthen-
I did not experience a rock bottom for my loved one that got me here.
I kept seeing "snapshots" of behavior that would have been my rock bottom so spent a lot of time thinking abut them, hoping it was it etc.
I finally started to do better (and it took a very long time) - when I realized that it did not matter what my qualifiers rock bottom was, it mattered what mine was.
You don't have to know it now, but you will know what yours is.
I did not experience a rock bottom for my loved one that got me here.
I kept seeing "snapshots" of behavior that would have been my rock bottom so spent a lot of time thinking abut them, hoping it was it etc.
I finally started to do better (and it took a very long time) - when I realized that it did not matter what my qualifiers rock bottom was, it mattered what mine was.
You don't have to know it now, but you will know what yours is.
-Being told my anxiety is a bigger issue than him lying for 18 years about hard drug use.
-Being told that the reason he didn't return my daily text (I wasn't badgering him--checked in once a day) for four days on a trip was was doing drugs and "knew I was struggling" at home alone with our young kids.
-Considering hiring someone to watch him and see if he was drinking at a party and also hanging out with a woman I suspect he cheated with (please don't judge--that's so embarrassing)
-Hearing my kids express anxiety about his drinking
-Hoping against all odds he was telling the truth when he lied multiple times about his car getting clipped, only to find out I was right all along
-Having suicidal ideations in response to some of his actions and needing meds to function somewhat normally in my life
I start with a new therapist this week to process a lot of this. She seems very helpful so far.
Thank you, everyone, for sharing your experiences. They help more than you could possibly imagine.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
The moment of lucidity is different for everyone. When I had mine, I hit rock bottom so hard that I bounced. But what makes one person decide to change might not do it for another. Alcoholism is exactly what the AA Big Book says it is: Cunning, baffling and powerful. For some people a brush with the law is enough to make them stop. For others death is the only thing that stops their drinking. But waiting around for someone to "hit" their bottom is an exercise in futility. Be good to yourself and remove yourself from the madness. Peace and hugs to you.
"
"
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,984
Unfortunately most alcoholics will say anything to keep drinking so more like a 'false bottom'. Also as an alcoholic myself in recovery, I crawled along the 'bottom' for a long time. If the trust is broken, it becomes a deal breaker for me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,611
Can't add much to all of the good responses you have received, except to say, this is not rock bottom.
Seems he's not ready yet, and will have to experience the falsehood of moderation for himself.
I hope he makes this realisation, not just for him, but for you.
Take good care of yourself, and let him find out for himself.
Seems he's not ready yet, and will have to experience the falsehood of moderation for himself.
I hope he makes this realisation, not just for him, but for you.
Take good care of yourself, and let him find out for himself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 36
Sending you lots of love and support. <3 The process of leaving can be so difficult.
Tbh... who the heck knows what rock bottom is. I'm sure it varies from person to person, and equally I'm sure an individual can feel they hit rock bottom on more than one occasion. I wouldn't place a lot of weight on his insistence that he's hit rock bottom, since it's such a subjective concept that is apt to change at any time. I've always wondered (with a lot of anxiety and stress) over my AH's hypothetical rock bottom, as he hasn't seemed to hit it after years of really serious incidents related to his drinking. I'd not concern yourself with whether AH has truly struck that fabled point, and just concern yourself with your own health and wellbeing. Let him do him at this point, trust your instincts (and I swear we friends and family of alcoholics develop a sixth sense for this stuff that's borderline psychic), and take care of yourself.
Sending hugs your way. <3
Tbh... who the heck knows what rock bottom is. I'm sure it varies from person to person, and equally I'm sure an individual can feel they hit rock bottom on more than one occasion. I wouldn't place a lot of weight on his insistence that he's hit rock bottom, since it's such a subjective concept that is apt to change at any time. I've always wondered (with a lot of anxiety and stress) over my AH's hypothetical rock bottom, as he hasn't seemed to hit it after years of really serious incidents related to his drinking. I'd not concern yourself with whether AH has truly struck that fabled point, and just concern yourself with your own health and wellbeing. Let him do him at this point, trust your instincts (and I swear we friends and family of alcoholics develop a sixth sense for this stuff that's borderline psychic), and take care of yourself.
Sending hugs your way. <3
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
My husband never hit rock bottom - or he bounced along it, two DUIs and three jobs lost.
My father hid it better, but at 76 had a DUI vehicular manslaughter and went to prison. I was out of the house from the time he was in his mid-fifties. I have no idea what my Mom observed during the years after that. There were probably close calls when he was driving, at least.
My father hid it better, but at 76 had a DUI vehicular manslaughter and went to prison. I was out of the house from the time he was in his mid-fifties. I have no idea what my Mom observed during the years after that. There were probably close calls when he was driving, at least.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 278
Good advice above.
"Rock bottom" is kind of a myth. Everyone needs a different kind of trigger to finally get them to change addictive behavior. For some, that trigger is a typical "rock bottom" event, like getting arrested or getting fired from a good job. For others, it's a quiet moment when you just get tired of all the pain and decide to try something else.
Thus the adage: you know you have reached bottom when you stop digging.
In any event, it can only be discerned in retrospect. Like after a year or two has gone by. If something happens that feels like it's transformative, wait a year and then look backwards and see if it truly was. You can't ever tell in the moment or in the immediate aftermath of it was truly a rock bottom experience.
"Rock bottom" is kind of a myth. Everyone needs a different kind of trigger to finally get them to change addictive behavior. For some, that trigger is a typical "rock bottom" event, like getting arrested or getting fired from a good job. For others, it's a quiet moment when you just get tired of all the pain and decide to try something else.
Thus the adage: you know you have reached bottom when you stop digging.
In any event, it can only be discerned in retrospect. Like after a year or two has gone by. If something happens that feels like it's transformative, wait a year and then look backwards and see if it truly was. You can't ever tell in the moment or in the immediate aftermath of it was truly a rock bottom experience.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by wellthen
Would someone after a rock bottom moment continue to drink in moderation?
AH wrecked his car a while back and described that as a rock bottom. Once he fessed up, he said he was taking an "indefinite break" from alcohol. He drank 2 weeks later. He hasn't drank as much, and I know he may be fudging his self-reports and/or using drugs but he definitely doesn't seem drunk.
I guess I was just thinking about the likely impact of this event. He wrecked his car, got a nicer new one (paid cash for it), still drinks some, still hangs out with drinking buddies (albeit not as often). The major consequence is that I've been angry and distant and have told him I'm leaving but haven't yet.
It's not like I want to punish him, but I do worry this event hasn't adequately shocked some sense into him.
I'm starting to think his description of rock bottom gave me a false sense of hope for change, especially when I read the above. Those who've seen or experienced a rock bottom, does this sound like it's all talk?
ETA: I am working on leaving him. I just keep second guessing myself and need reminders of how I got here.
AH wrecked his car a while back and described that as a rock bottom. Once he fessed up, he said he was taking an "indefinite break" from alcohol. He drank 2 weeks later. He hasn't drank as much, and I know he may be fudging his self-reports and/or using drugs but he definitely doesn't seem drunk.
I guess I was just thinking about the likely impact of this event. He wrecked his car, got a nicer new one (paid cash for it), still drinks some, still hangs out with drinking buddies (albeit not as often). The major consequence is that I've been angry and distant and have told him I'm leaving but haven't yet.
It's not like I want to punish him, but I do worry this event hasn't adequately shocked some sense into him.
I'm starting to think his description of rock bottom gave me a false sense of hope for change, especially when I read the above. Those who've seen or experienced a rock bottom, does this sound like it's all talk?
ETA: I am working on leaving him. I just keep second guessing myself and need reminders of how I got here.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
