I can't let go
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I can't let go
Hi everyone, I was browsing the Internet looking for answers and I came across this website so here it goes... I'm recently 6 weeks from a breakup with my alcoholic ex fiance and I'm really struggling to let him go. For 4 years I tried everything to help him get through his issues, he suffers with his mental health so I encouraged counselling (which he lied to me about attending) I gave drink up with him to see if that helped and I also encouraged him to speak to a doctor about going on antidepressants .i found any emotion he's going through wether it be happy sad or angry his go to was always the bottle. His problem was he never knew when to stop he would just keep drinking until he passed out, he didn't know the meaning of a social drink. He was physical with me one night too and never took full accountability for it and I stupidly took him back, he always made me believe he would change and get help and I suppose I always thought it would get better.
He would cause arguments with me and dissappear for a couple days at a time and would always come back and blame me for his reason for leaving but I could see rite through him and knew he was trying to justify why he left. In the end he broke up with me because I caught him lying to me again about drinking and i suppose he couldn't face me so he ran...he's really hurt me. He moved out and blocked me of everything even his family have blocked me, he made me cancell our wedding and took my ring back. I have heard nothing apart from a message saying he misses me and to remember I'm the love of his life but its for the best. I have since heard in these 6 weeks he's been to Spain on his own for a holiday and he's also on tinder and in the pub constantly. I am heartbroken and suppose I thought he would of realised he needed help and would get that help to bring our family back together, he also helped raise my son from when he was 6 months old and has not tried once to see him. I'm devastated.
He would cause arguments with me and dissappear for a couple days at a time and would always come back and blame me for his reason for leaving but I could see rite through him and knew he was trying to justify why he left. In the end he broke up with me because I caught him lying to me again about drinking and i suppose he couldn't face me so he ran...he's really hurt me. He moved out and blocked me of everything even his family have blocked me, he made me cancell our wedding and took my ring back. I have heard nothing apart from a message saying he misses me and to remember I'm the love of his life but its for the best. I have since heard in these 6 weeks he's been to Spain on his own for a holiday and he's also on tinder and in the pub constantly. I am heartbroken and suppose I thought he would of realised he needed help and would get that help to bring our family back together, he also helped raise my son from when he was 6 months old and has not tried once to see him. I'm devastated.
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Hi LauraLynn and welcome - although I’m sorry for what brings you here.
I understand how hard it is to let go…but it looks like this guy has no such problems…he’s lied to you, laid his hands on you, he’s been gaslighting you…now he’s holidaying in Spain, on Tinder and back in the pub…he’s completely blanking your child and you - apart from sending you a brief message which I suspect is to keep you on the hook ‘just in case’…
When someone shows us who they really are I think we need to look, listen, and listen.
Sounds to me like you and your son deserve a lot better?
D
I understand how hard it is to let go…but it looks like this guy has no such problems…he’s lied to you, laid his hands on you, he’s been gaslighting you…now he’s holidaying in Spain, on Tinder and back in the pub…he’s completely blanking your child and you - apart from sending you a brief message which I suspect is to keep you on the hook ‘just in case’…
When someone shows us who they really are I think we need to look, listen, and listen.
Sounds to me like you and your son deserve a lot better?
D
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Originally Posted by Lauralynn 
and suppose I thought he would of realised he needed help and would get that help to bring our family back together, he also helped raise my son from when he was 6 months old and has not tried once to see him. I'm devastated.
Most addicts/alcoholics won't stop drugging themselves for their loved ones, or their job or their health or any other thing - until they want to do it for themselves, whatever that reason is for them. In fact prodding them to quit can turn you in to the "enemy". The addiction protects itself, it's ruling right now and won't be taking any threats. That includes you and your Son and anyone else that tries to get in its way.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Addicted people - in your ex's case an alcoholic, aren't thinking properly. If he has been drinking for a while his brain actually physically changes, not to mention the wiring. Impulse control, reasoning, reward centers.
So you cannot apply "normal" relationship things to a relationship with an alcoholic. Well you can but you will be disappointed.
I would really recommend you read the other threads in the forum as well, you will see a lot of similarities there I'm sure. As you read those stories from others, you will start to understand that this isn't about you or your Son, it's not personal, it's about the addiction.
You will get through this, but it will take time, it's all still very new.
It's so important to look after yourself well, eat well, sleep when you can, walk if you like, talk to friends, post here as often as you like.
You do deserve so much more than this horrible treatment.
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Thank you for replying dee, although I know I need to move on it's especially hard when I know he's got issues and I suppose I keep thinking he'll realise this and want to make it work, I clearly suffer from abandonment issues otherwise I wouldn't be feeling this way. I grew up with an alcoholic father who I had an estranged relationship with for 10 years, I swore I would never end up with someone like him yet here I am feeling sorry for myself that a man just like him left me. Its a tough pill to swallow!!
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Originally Posted by Lauralynn
Thank you for replying dee, although I know I need to move on it's especially hard when I know he's got issues and I suppose I keep thinking he'll realise this and want to make it work, I clearly suffer from abandonment issues otherwise I wouldn't be feeling this way. I grew up with an alcoholic father who I had an estranged relationship with for 10 years, I swore I would never end up with someone like him yet here I am feeling sorry for myself that a man just like him left me. Its a tough pill to swallow!!
This thread was started yesterday:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-dynamics.html (Considering old family dynamics)
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
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It's very common for many of us in this forum to have gone through a great deal of pain at the end of our relationships with alcoholics / addicts.
Along with reading Melody Beattie's Codependent No More, you might find it enlightening to read more about trauma bonds, limerance (instead of love), and attachment styles. All of this plays into what affects our childhood development when we grow up as children of alcoholics. There is also Adult Children of Alcoholics, a step based support group, and there's good (and for me, it was extremely enlightening) information about why we do and feel what we do.
Along with reading Melody Beattie's Codependent No More, you might find it enlightening to read more about trauma bonds, limerance (instead of love), and attachment styles. All of this plays into what affects our childhood development when we grow up as children of alcoholics. There is also Adult Children of Alcoholics, a step based support group, and there's good (and for me, it was extremely enlightening) information about why we do and feel what we do.
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Laura.....I second sage's suggestions of reading...
1"Co-dependent No More"
2. The "Big Book" of "Adult Children of Alcoholics". Also, other literature of that group. You certainly qualify, because, after all, you ARE and adult child of an alcoholic. It can change your life.
You can find this material in the book section of amazon.com
You can see what being raised by an alcoholic father has done to you.
This is your chance to keep it from happening to your own son. You can stop the cycle!
If the cycle is not stopped----it gets passed down from generation to generation to generation
Now, I do understand that the reason that you came to the forum is to find out how to stop your pain of missing your boyfriend.
I am confident that all of us, here, on this forum understand how painful the whole process is---and we can tell you that 6 weeks is too soon to expect that it would be "all done and dusted".
This kind of disappointment, after you have sacrificed so much of your self and your heart takes MUCH longer to get over. One has to grieve and mourn the loss of the dream that you had, and that is going to take months, at least. You can't rush it, because grief takes it's own time.
Be assured that you will get through it---and, then past it. It will not last forever.
You can help yourself to make it from day to day, however if you do some right things...****we can help you if you are interested***** You need to keep posting and reading and learning, though...lol There is sooo much to learn
Know ledge is power.
Some day, you will want to thank him for leaving when he did. Because, I believe that he saved you a lot more suffering, because you might have spent more years hanging on and trying to live on HOPE.
1"Co-dependent No More"
2. The "Big Book" of "Adult Children of Alcoholics". Also, other literature of that group. You certainly qualify, because, after all, you ARE and adult child of an alcoholic. It can change your life.
You can find this material in the book section of amazon.com
You can see what being raised by an alcoholic father has done to you.
This is your chance to keep it from happening to your own son. You can stop the cycle!
If the cycle is not stopped----it gets passed down from generation to generation to generation
Now, I do understand that the reason that you came to the forum is to find out how to stop your pain of missing your boyfriend.
I am confident that all of us, here, on this forum understand how painful the whole process is---and we can tell you that 6 weeks is too soon to expect that it would be "all done and dusted".
This kind of disappointment, after you have sacrificed so much of your self and your heart takes MUCH longer to get over. One has to grieve and mourn the loss of the dream that you had, and that is going to take months, at least. You can't rush it, because grief takes it's own time.
Be assured that you will get through it---and, then past it. It will not last forever.
You can help yourself to make it from day to day, however if you do some right things...****we can help you if you are interested***** You need to keep posting and reading and learning, though...lol There is sooo much to learn
Know ledge is power.
Some day, you will want to thank him for leaving when he did. Because, I believe that he saved you a lot more suffering, because you might have spent more years hanging on and trying to live on HOPE.
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Welcome, LauraLynn, sorry to for the difficult situation that brings you here. You have been offered great advice from members so I just wanted to add my welcome to you.
I know you don't think it now but you are enormously better off without this person. You will need to break the Trauma Bond you are in with him which is painful but once broken you will feel a lot better.
Please focus on yourself and your son. If your son grows up in that environment you are setting him up in the same cycle as you are in. It can stop with you, you can save him from going through it.
I know you don't think it now but you are enormously better off without this person. You will need to break the Trauma Bond you are in with him which is painful but once broken you will feel a lot better.
Please focus on yourself and your son. If your son grows up in that environment you are setting him up in the same cycle as you are in. It can stop with you, you can save him from going through it.
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Wow, thank you so much for all of your responses, it really means alot. I will definitely have a look and read through other threads. I clearly suffer from deeper issues regarding my childhood. I suppose what's really hard to accept is the fact he seems so fine now without me.. example..booking holidays,tinder and going to concerts, I feel like I did so much to help him yet he seems so fine without me, it makes me feel like I was his reason for drinking. Will he actually ever realise what he's lost!?
Iv grew up with drink around me Inc my mum, dad and sister, they all love to drink so I obviously accepted this was normal until I realised it wasn't.
Iv grew up with drink around me Inc my mum, dad and sister, they all love to drink so I obviously accepted this was normal until I realised it wasn't.
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Hi Lauralynn. I'm sorry for your pain. It has not been that long since your break up, it is normal to still be grieving that loss. It takes more than a few weeks to "let go".
I agree with what the other posters have said to you. I will add that, it is very likely, even probable, that growing up in an alcoholic home, you also grew up in a codependent home. I did. I swore I'd not marry a man like my dad... but I very much did. And then I became a codependent mess, just like my mum. ..and then I raised MY kids in that mess... just like my parents had...just like THEIR parents had. It's a generational problem, but it can end with us. We can learn as much as we can about addiction (including codependence) and we can plan to do better with the next generation. Knowledge is power. We don't know what we don't know, but we can learn. When we know better, we can do better. I have been able to talk to my now adult children, about our family issues. They know a heck of a lot more than I did about all this stuff in my 20s. It's a step in the right direction. Your son not having to deal with having a drunken father figure around is also a step in the right direction for your family.
It takes a lot of hard work, and it can be VERY painful examining our lives and upbringings...but it can also be very eyeopening and healing when we do so. It sounds like you are probably ready to start that journey. I hope you will hang out here at SRF&F and let those of us who have been through it be a source of support.
I also suggest reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You do not have to identify as a codependent to get a lot out of that book. It changed the trajectory of my life for the better.
I know everything feels heavy and dark right now, it wont always feel that way. Healing takes time, be gentle and kind to yourself. *hugs*
I agree with what the other posters have said to you. I will add that, it is very likely, even probable, that growing up in an alcoholic home, you also grew up in a codependent home. I did. I swore I'd not marry a man like my dad... but I very much did. And then I became a codependent mess, just like my mum. ..and then I raised MY kids in that mess... just like my parents had...just like THEIR parents had. It's a generational problem, but it can end with us. We can learn as much as we can about addiction (including codependence) and we can plan to do better with the next generation. Knowledge is power. We don't know what we don't know, but we can learn. When we know better, we can do better. I have been able to talk to my now adult children, about our family issues. They know a heck of a lot more than I did about all this stuff in my 20s. It's a step in the right direction. Your son not having to deal with having a drunken father figure around is also a step in the right direction for your family.
It takes a lot of hard work, and it can be VERY painful examining our lives and upbringings...but it can also be very eyeopening and healing when we do so. It sounds like you are probably ready to start that journey. I hope you will hang out here at SRF&F and let those of us who have been through it be a source of support.
I also suggest reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You do not have to identify as a codependent to get a lot out of that book. It changed the trajectory of my life for the better.
I know everything feels heavy and dark right now, it wont always feel that way. Healing takes time, be gentle and kind to yourself. *hugs*
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Originally Posted by Lauralynn
Wow, thank you so much for all of your responses, it really means alot. I will definitely have a look and read through other threads. I clearly suffer from deeper issues regarding my childhood. I suppose what's really hard to accept is the fact he seems so fine now without me.. example..booking holidays,tinder and going to concerts, I feel like I did so much to help him yet he seems so fine without me, it makes me feel like I was his reason for drinking. Will he actually ever realise what he's lost!?
Iv grew up with drink around me Inc my mum, dad and sister, they all love to drink so I obviously accepted this was normal until I realised it wasn't.
Iv grew up with drink around me Inc my mum, dad and sister, they all love to drink so I obviously accepted this was normal until I realised it wasn't.
Who rushes out looking online for other women after a big breakup? Someone who can't stand to be alone. He "seems" fine but really, there is no such thing as a happy alcoholic.
He may well have wanted some kind of normal life, this is not unusual, but wanting that and actually being able to DO that are two far different things. It's hard to maintain a relationship when all you want to do is drink, then drink some more tomorrow. You were never his reason for drinking. He drank before he met you, while you were together and now you are apart he is still drinking, this is about him, not you. The only thing that might make him feel "freer" or "happier" now is that no one is bothering him about his drinking.
If you try to come between an addict and his drug - you will become the "enemy" eventually.
Will he ever realize what he's lost? Maybe, maybe not. He might have a moment of clarity here and there, but it doesn't matter because he just wants to drink.
This isn't actually about you, or the two of your together, it's about him and his relationship with alcohol (which yes, is more important to him than you or anyone else).
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Laura.......first of all---you really do need to learn a lot more about alcoholism----as in it is not possible that you were the cause of his drinking. He was an alcoholic when you met him!
He drinks because he is an alcoholic---that is what alcoholics do.
All of the stuff that he is showing the world---trip to Spain, surfing tender, hanging in pubs----that is not a proof of happiness. That is just a public face that he is putting on.
lol....think about it----if going to Spain and sitting in a bar and swiping tender could cure alcoholism and create happiness---the whole world--- millions of people would beat a path to some bar in Barcelona for the "cure".
Stop looking at his insides from your outsides.
Other women? Not to wonder about them and comparing yourself to them. Any relationships with them will have less of a chance at survival than a snowball in the Sahara Desert.
He drinks because he is an alcoholic---that is what alcoholics do.
All of the stuff that he is showing the world---trip to Spain, surfing tender, hanging in pubs----that is not a proof of happiness. That is just a public face that he is putting on.
lol....think about it----if going to Spain and sitting in a bar and swiping tender could cure alcoholism and create happiness---the whole world--- millions of people would beat a path to some bar in Barcelona for the "cure".
Stop looking at his insides from your outsides.
Other women? Not to wonder about them and comparing yourself to them. Any relationships with them will have less of a chance at survival than a snowball in the Sahara Desert.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Other women? Not to wonder about them and comparing yourself to them. Any relationships with them will have less of a chance at survival than a snowball in the Sahara Desert.
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I do believe he went on tinder and bumble to find someone because I know he is lonely, the sad truth is he doesn't have many friends and his own mother is fed up of his drinking, she's told him for years he needs help she also told me I should leave him and do what's best for me and my son, but since the break up she has blocked me as has his family (which really hurts) I felt I had his mother's support but she shut me out... although I have no clue what he could be saying to them!! Iv done so much thinking these past 6 weeks about all the episodes of anxiety I had when he used to go out... I never knew if he'd be home or what state he would come home in which left me awake all night worrying, so it's safe to say I definitely do not miss that feeling. I guess I have alot of work to do on myself in order to make sure I don't make the same mistakes again because I definitely ignored the red flags when I first met this man.. I thought here's this man who wants me and is willing to take on my young son he must really love me, who cares if he loves a drink "who doenst" is what I kept thinking, how wrong was I... I think he Met me in a time of his life where he was ready to settle and live the family life.. but as I now know an alcoholic can't hide it forever.
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All he would probably have to say is "Why the hell do you still have Lauralynn on FB" etc etc. They don't want that aggravation either. They have been down this road 20 times already.
The get married to "settle down" or get in to a relationship and attempt to "settle down" is a very common theme here. Who wouldn't like to have a nice girlfriend or wife/husband, a decent place to live, food on the table and some security? That's pretty much a human need.
The truth is though, all those things are great but the alcohol will keep calling. No matter if the alcoholic is on vacation in Barbados or at home watching a movie. We can all change our behaviour for a period of time, real, long term change is a big challenge. Now add on top of that the physical changes in the brain that is demanding alcohol - and you see how it ends up. The partner is blindsided when the partner abandons them, choosing alcohol or other drugs and other partners and being at the bar, rather than participating in a somewhat normal life they have built.
Alcoholism is progressive.
I'm sure many people in your life have said you dodged a bullet here, by the relationship not continuing. They are right, it may be really hard (or even impossible) to see now. Even if he did attempt sobriety at some point, there is a lot of work to do to get in to actual recovery. You have never known him as a person without drinking, he may be quite different than you think.
And where do you figure in to that? That's all about him. If you could rewind would you ever choose someone so unreliable. Someone who hurts you over and over again by his disappearances? You were intending to marry him, so yes, examining why you would allow yourself to be treated so poorly is really important to do at some point. You are worthy of being treated with respect and kindness, always.
I'm not judging you by the way. My first husband was violent - but I married him, so I get it. But it's something we can decide to never do again.
The get married to "settle down" or get in to a relationship and attempt to "settle down" is a very common theme here. Who wouldn't like to have a nice girlfriend or wife/husband, a decent place to live, food on the table and some security? That's pretty much a human need.
The truth is though, all those things are great but the alcohol will keep calling. No matter if the alcoholic is on vacation in Barbados or at home watching a movie. We can all change our behaviour for a period of time, real, long term change is a big challenge. Now add on top of that the physical changes in the brain that is demanding alcohol - and you see how it ends up. The partner is blindsided when the partner abandons them, choosing alcohol or other drugs and other partners and being at the bar, rather than participating in a somewhat normal life they have built.
Alcoholism is progressive.
I'm sure many people in your life have said you dodged a bullet here, by the relationship not continuing. They are right, it may be really hard (or even impossible) to see now. Even if he did attempt sobriety at some point, there is a lot of work to do to get in to actual recovery. You have never known him as a person without drinking, he may be quite different than you think.
Originally Posted by Lauralynn
I never knew if he'd be home or what state he would come home in which left me awake all night worrying, so it's safe to say I definitely do not miss that feeling. I guess I have alot of work to do on myself in order to make sure I don't make the same mistakes again because I definitely ignored the red flags when I first met this man.. I thought here's this man who wants me and is willing to take on my young son he must really love me, who cares if he loves a drink "who doenst"
I'm not judging you by the way. My first husband was violent - but I married him, so I get it. But it's something we can decide to never do again.
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Laura......though not every single case----but, in ALMOST all cases----when push comes to shove----blood is thicker than water. And, you are right, I think, that you don\t know every thing that he has been tellling the family!! I would bet my own kid's milk money that he has been telling them stories that put you in a bad light, while painting himself in a "victim" role.
I think that it is human nature that we parents want to defend our own kids---especially when we don't have access to the complete truth.
After all---You, yourself, did once believe him and wanted to believe the "best" about him----and, he is not eve of your own flesh, like his mother is.
You may have more of an appreciation of this when your own son is an adult
LOL...I have raised three children---two of them are sons----so I have some experience with the position of the parent of adult children.
It is a rare adult kid---alcoholics, especially, who tells his mother (parents). "She was wonderful and stood by my side, through thick and thin----but, I was a complete jerk to her---abusive and neglectful. She is rightfully entitled to leave me, and i deserve it. Please continue to have a supportive relationship with her and her child---as that would make me happy, if you do that".
That probably NEVER happens....lol.
I remember, back when I divorced my first husband---the father of my three children. Even though he begged and begged me not to divorce him (which I had to do in order to save my own mental health and protect my young children).....you could not believe the absolute lles that he went around telling anybody that would listen. OMG...they were absolutely shocking lies.
I think that it is human nature that we parents want to defend our own kids---especially when we don't have access to the complete truth.
After all---You, yourself, did once believe him and wanted to believe the "best" about him----and, he is not eve of your own flesh, like his mother is.
You may have more of an appreciation of this when your own son is an adult
LOL...I have raised three children---two of them are sons----so I have some experience with the position of the parent of adult children.
It is a rare adult kid---alcoholics, especially, who tells his mother (parents). "She was wonderful and stood by my side, through thick and thin----but, I was a complete jerk to her---abusive and neglectful. She is rightfully entitled to leave me, and i deserve it. Please continue to have a supportive relationship with her and her child---as that would make me happy, if you do that".
That probably NEVER happens....lol.
I remember, back when I divorced my first husband---the father of my three children. Even though he begged and begged me not to divorce him (which I had to do in order to save my own mental health and protect my young children).....you could not believe the absolute lles that he went around telling anybody that would listen. OMG...they were absolutely shocking lies.
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Yes I remember the night all his family blocked me, they done it all together so it makes sense that he could of told them to delete me, I did message his dad the other day(he's the only one who didn't block my number) just to say thank you for all he has done for my son over the years to which he replied he was happy to have that time with him and also sad with how things have turned out!! I'm now two weeks into the no contact with my ex and it is getting easier as I remember all the nights of worry from him and the lies.. my god constant lies... he lied about bills that were supposed to be paid about where he was and he also had this way about him that he constantly needed to rewarded and wanted to be the best at everything ( he praised himself alot) especially with his work.. he wasn't happy unless he was getting compliments I'm work for his role. He never missed work, he was a functioning alcoholic..I suppose this is why he never thought he had a problem because he never missed work. He was also a very charming man and everyone who would meet him always said he's so friendly, outgoing, confident etc.. but my dad is the same, is this a trate of alcoholics?? I am so glad I found this forum and appreciate all of your replies, it's really helping me, thank you to all of you.
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Originally Posted by Lauralynn
He never missed work, he was a functioning alcoholic..I suppose this is why he never thought he had a problem because he never missed work. He was also a very charming man and everyone who would meet him always said he's so friendly, outgoing, confident etc.. but my dad is the same, is this a trate of alcoholics?? I am so glad I found this forum and appreciate all of your replies, it's really helping me, thank you to all of you.
Your ex is really no more "functioning" than any alcoholic, although I'm sure he probably thinks he is. Some alcoholics never lose their job, some never get a DUI. Is that just the circumstance of the job - luck in not getting pulled over or coming across a check-stop? Probably.
When I drink I'm also much more friendly - I think that is just an alcohol induced trait lol
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Originally Posted by Lauralynn
No when he drank I never knew what side of him I would get, happy, sad or angry he was very unpredictable, but just in general without drink he always came across as such a happy positive person.
I'm sure you've known people who were outgoing and charming in one scenario but when you saw them at say - your Brother's house, they were really kind of grouchy. You know what I mean.
We all usually have "pleasant" personalities when in a social situation - some way more than others. What makes me believe this is what you said:
i found any emotion he's going through wether it be happy sad or angry his go to was always the bottle. His problem was he never knew when to stop he would just keep drinking until he passed out
You hear about this all the time - the guy who goes out and robs people and everyone says he was a quiet guy but always willing to help out. Or the wife who finally tells people she has been physically abused for years and everyone wonders how - husband - who always seemed so pleasant and nice could have been doing that.
If you are an alcoholic - you are not happy - but that's not something you necessarily show the world, so maybe he is just over compensating. You (and they) don't truly know him "sober". If he got sober tomorrow, doesn't mean that is his default personality (the charming guy).
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