Hen1

Hi all I received some amazing advice from posters on my previous thread relating to my relationship with a binge drinker that has recently broken down. I said then that I had no prior experience of alcoholics but doing a lot of soul searching and I think I can say that during my childhood my mother suffered with alcohol issues, at the same time as mental health prpblems. Now she was not a bad mother and infact we were and became adult friends and very close before her untimely cancer death in my early 20s and ghe years before that were peaceful and lovely so I am lucky. But I do remember most of my childhood being take over by huge volatile screaming rows between my parents (dad non drinker always), that would go on for days and sometimes result in my older sisters taking me out of the house until things calmed down. I remember being afraid things would become violent but they didn't but it was a common fear for young me as I hid in my room under a pillow wishing they would stop. Again their later years together were very positive ad they ironed out whatever issues they had. In fact my mom told my sister before she died that their arguing ad the effect it had on us is what she feels most guilty for which breaks my heart. But nonetheless I'm now looking back at why I've picked exs like mine, abusive mainly and now a binge drinker, and wondering if it comes back to some of these things. Thigs were never violent in our home but I did receive a slaped face once which wasn't nice and the near constant screaming rows and smashing things and noise left me even now very easily triggered by raised voices, I'm by design a people pleaser and try to keep the peace ad get nervous easily. I've worked on that ad have better boundaries now but I've read a bit about adult children of alcoholics in this forum and while I don't think my mom was one I do wonder if some of this may be linked up.

trailmix

Hi Hen, yes, you're absolutely right - there probably is a connection there.

It doesn't even have to be alcohol (could be abuse, mental illness or combinations of all) - but an alcoholic in the house when you are young does affect you (everyone).

I grew up with this so I know exactly what you mean. When we are smaller we are pretty powerless, we look to our parents to keep us safe and feeling secure. You can't feel secure when there is an alcoholic (or heavy drinker) in the house. My Mother also wasn't a drinker, so I looked to her - but I had to question was she safe from him? Drinkers are erratic. Who will walk in the door, the angry drunk person? The happy drunk person? The sober today person? No idea. It took me many years to get over feeling jumpy when I heard a car door close around dinner time. The household focuses on keeping the drunk person calm and happy. Of course that's not usually the case (there were lots of arguments). Conflict - as in arguing - especially between others, makes me hugely uncomfortable.

So there are a couple of trains of thought here that you become comfortable with that dynamic - atmosphere as a child and keep putting yourself back in it, one way or another, friends - SOs - and it doesn't just have to be an alcoholic, it could be someone abusive, someone who is emotionally unavailable, someone who is passive aggressive, just as examples.

Another train of thought is that you return to the dynamic to try and fix it, something you couldn't do as a child (well and still can't do). Perhaps one or the other, perhaps both, depending on the person.

Regardless, none of this is good for you, of course.

Many here have done a lot of work on that and I'm sure they will share with you their experiences in healing from it. Me personally? By the time I saw my - way of being, I decided it's just not worth it to try to correct lol. I know how I am - I won't let myself get in to those kinds of situations - I'm aware - and that's good enough for me, but you may want to seek therapy for yourself if you are comfortable doing that.

velma929

My Mom and Dad were pretty awesome for the most part - think of Ward and June on "Leave It to Beaver." But there were instances when Dad was visibly drunk. I can only remember a couple but who knows if there were more and I've just sort of suppressed them? My late husband's drinking was something I thought he'd 'outgrow.' The red flags were there, all right, and I saw them, but I guess I thought they'd fade and disintegrate and go away by themselves.

Separate from that (and it really is) Dad and I didn't get along. It was pretty clear he favored my sister (she agrees) I had very low self esteem, barely dated in school, and I thought I'd never get another chance to get married. I remember my mindset being 'everyone is paired up/ in a relationship except me.' Intellectually, I know that wasn't true, but my emotions were ruling me.

In contrast after I was widowed, looking to date again, I realized that I might not ever find another partner. As a woman in my mid-fifties, that was/is a realistic outlook. The demographics were not in my favor: men die sooner than women, the ones still alive and kickin' often have partners. The ones that don't have partners may wish to remain single, and a surprising percentage were only willing to date women a lot younger than themselves.. Whenever I wrote an ad, went on a meet-and-greet as a real live adult - I kept in my head that being without a partner was better than being in a relationship with the wrong person. I wish I'd hit that point in my mid-twenties. But in my fifties, I'd had the life experience of marriage with someone who wasn't right for me. We really do 'live and learn.'