sage1969

I don't think you should feel stupid for caring about other people. It's hard to say what he feels -- you can only acknowledge what you feel. And it's ok to love someone, even if they're not right for you, it's just that to be healthy for yourself you have to see what is not right for you, and let them go.

trailmix

You need to know this had nothing to do with you personally. He is very self centered, he is all about him - not you or anyone else, he is only interested in what he needs when he needs it.

He wants your company? Yes, I'll call her and spend the weekend with her! He gave no forethought to how that would affect you at all, it's just what he wanted.

But again, that's not personal, that's all about him being - him. He does not sound like relationship material at all.

Pocohontas78

Told him that I have possible cancer of the cervix and seeing my specialist today and that I am nervous etc and he hasn’t even responded. Hasn’t shown any care at all. I really opened up to him about all my worries and nothing. I don’t understand. Is it because he just doesn’t care, or can’t think about anything but himself at the moment? We went from loving one another so much to nothing now. I just don’t get it

PeacefulWater12

Sorry to read of the possible cancer, I hope your visit to the specialist helps you.

As far as support, is there anyone in your life who is reliable and mature and able to support you properly? Reach out to them. Keep your focus on yourself and you getting well.

He hasn't got the capacity to support for whatever reason so by approaching him, you are going to hurt yourself further.

Hope today goes well.

velma929

You can't get inside his head.
YOU loved HIM so much...you can't see into his head and know what he's thinking.

We act the way we do because it gets us something we want. Your boyfriend is no different. Giving people periodic rewards will often keep them engaged and willing to provide companionship, sex, money, a place to sleep.

I felt the way you do now. I spent 25 years with my husband, and much of the time was pretty dreary. I could have left any time, but I didn't want to admit the whirlwind romance was a mistake, and our finances were intertwined, and I didn't think I had enough money on my own, oh, lots of [bad] reasons. I had loved him so much. Then he died. And there I was, still a little bitter that he'd never even tried to quit drinking. I expressed my frustration here, and and someone wrote, "He couldn't." He was a frail, flawed mortal, and was limited in what he could do. We all are.

I eventually realized, too, that although he was beyond quitting, he had loved me the best he could. It wasn't enough, it wasn't a great experience. However, I own the fact that it was MY decision to stay or go, and I decided to stay. I don't recommend it, but everyone has to make the choice for him- or herself.

Pocohontas78

Unfortunately it is cervical cancer and I happened to tell him but he was quite distant and not his old loving self. Do people really change that much while going through recovery? It’s been 4 months now and he seems to of changed , is that normal?

dandylion

Pocohantas........Yes, it seems to be very common.

sage1969

Sometimes as addicts / alcholics move through the earlier months of recovery, they can feel anhedonia, which is an absence of feelings altogether, caused by the neurochemical "rewiring" of their brains. So although I find it hard to understand a person might have zero empathy for your cancer diagnosis, I suppose it's possible that he simply feels nothing because of anhedonia.

trailmix

You know one thing I think of sometimes when I read posts on this forum (and I don't mean yours in particular) is "be careful what you wish for". So many here wish their SO would just get sober, then they could see more of that nice person they get a glimpse of every now and then.

An alcoholic is not two people a "nice" person and a "mean" person. It is one person.

You can't tell what they will be like if/when they put the drink down, you just can't. It's not a separation of this great! person from this mean/abusive person (assuming they were). The person you put up with all the crap from, hey, that's part of him.

Now, how much is alcohol that creates the selfish/self-centered etc person and how much is inherently part of their personality, you can't know - heck they can't know, if they have been drinking for many years.

Plus, years of drinking, of acting certain ways, certain behaviours becomes part of the way they are, even if their personality/motives/way of being was different before they started drinking, I mean how can it not? If you have been selfish and abusive for the 15 years you were drinking, you don't become a saint overnight.

So whether he is truly sober or has anhedonia or this is just "him" now, an incredibly self centered individual - no way to tell. But he isn't the drinker who could squelch all his demons anymore. That's where the recovery part comes in and he's obviously no where near that.

I'm sorry if this sounds negative, I really am. I know you are incredibly hurt and I completely understand why.

Pocohontas78

I understand what you are all saying and really appreciate the fact that you have taken your time to reply. I am very grateful. I keep going back to these posts and rereading them and taking what you have all said on board. This forum has helped so much and couldn’t manage without it so thank you all so much again

Hawkeye13

I have anhedonia which has not fully resolved even yet since I quit drinking. Please do not think it is just you he isn’t showing emotion towards. Anhedonia is a more general condition and I can only describe that it feels like you live life from a distance, disengaged from not just others but yourself. The feelings you do have (at least for me) are mostly muted and very difficult to express to other people.

I am sorry you are not able to get the support you deserve from this person, but better to know this earlier rather than later. I hope you have / are building a good alternative support system from others. I can say that living with anhedonia is not easy—if he has it, and it is pretty common in early recovery as your emotions are essentially short-circuited; he is suffering in his way and this is yet another reason he isn’t good relationship material now or maybe ever.

Please take care of you and I wish you the very best—

Pocohontas78

Thank you all so much for all your advice and help. It really makes a difference

Pocohontas78

I need help and advice again and this forum is amazing at that. I was in contact with my ex, I was angry and I felt I needed to say something, it was wrong of me to reach out for answers that effectively he couldn’t give me I realise now. I asked him why he hasn’t apologised for everything that he did and said to me and why he can’t say anything kind to me. He supposedly loved me and we had so many memories wonderful times together and were so connected to one another. He said that he hasn’t reached step 8 yet and if he wants to succeed then his sponsor says he needs to do it per the steps. I get that I really do but why can’t he say sorry now, or something kind. He left me in such a bad way but he has no realisation of it I don’t think, it’s been 5 months now and yet I can’t get over it and the hurt he caused. I have joined al anon but I really need help with this.

SparkleKitty

I really wanted the person who hurt me to be the one to heal me.

It took a lot of time and distance to see what a messed up desire that was, and what an unreasonable expectation. That person was sick. Why would anyone expect them to be able to heal someone else?

When I started focusing on healing mySELF, regardless of what they did or didn't do, then things started to change.

trailmix

hi pochohontas, don't be too hard on yourself. I think SK has really hit the nail on the head, of course.

You would like an apology, instead he talks about his sponsor and his steps. That is where he is at, that's where his head is at.

You know, when people are experiencing mental health issues, they can spend a lot of time and energy protecting themselves from being overwhelmed. What might seem simple to others - is a huge big deal to them. When your mental health isn't great, the thought of being overwhelmed by any trauma, drama, acknowledgment of anything is very scary.

Just like you would protect your leg if it was in a cast.

Hawkeye13

The saying around here is something like “Don’t go to the hardware store for bread” — the healing, as Sparkle says, must come from within.

He doesn’t sound anywhere near able to give you the closure / apology / healing you are looking for, as unfair as it is.

You can rebuild stronger and wiser from this difficult experience and take your Agency back without waiting for him to do anything else.

Not easy, but very empowering.

No contact is the best course of action in these situations. Otherwise you just keep ripping the scab off, and it sets you back into acute pain as the episode you just went through showed.

What other kinds of things are you doing to self-soothe and to process things? CBT therapy can be really helpful to build better strategies.

Perhaps your most important job, and where to keep your focus for now, is taking care and loving you so you can fully heal all parts of yourself.