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Join Date: Apr 2022
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Hi I’m new to this. I’ve been with my SO for almost nine years. We grew up together met when we were 16 and we are 25 now. He has always been quite the partier but since we. didn’t live together I didn’t realize the extent. We moved in together at 21 and have lived together for 4 years and we have had our good times but overall it has been a nightmare. 4am waiting on hum to come home every Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday for years just to have plans with him during the week and for him to sleep through because he’s recovering from his bender. I picked up him and his friends after working 12 hours shifts and busting my ass. Came home at midnight from working all day and would set an alarm until 2 am just to go pick him up or make sure he was home. The last year got really bad. Emts were called multiple times and his level was coma level rating. I threatened to leave if he did not get help. He went to rehab for a week detoxed did IOP for 2 weeks swore he was fine and a month later he’s lying to my face saying he didn’t drink when he’s drunk as ****. My heart is shattered. We live in the same house and have not talked except for arguments. The lease ends in a month and I want to move out. I am so scared of what will happen to him when I am not around. He got fired from his job he hasn’t worked. He got into an accident with friend the other night who got dui. He is making dangerous decisions and I am afraid. I distanced myself and he tells me I don’t care but I am tired of caring. I’ve babysat this person for my whole life. I am just afraid. Support? Advice? Help?
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Welcome, Struggling190. Glad you found us and are reaching out for support.
You seem to have a realistic picture of the situation in that he is making the decision to drink and you are getting dragged along in the problems that he brings.
It is good that the lease is ending in a month, I encourage you to decide what is best for your and your wellbeing. What you want your life to be like. As you say, you are babysitting this adult. He is going to do what he is going to do.
You are not responsible for him and his behaviour, that is solely on him. His ownership not yours.
Well done for distancing yourself, him telling you that you don't care is manipulation. He is bound to push back at you.
So please do what is best for you. Protect yourself from further damage from this situation.
A book that helps many of us on here is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It helps us see what is our responsibility and what is not. I grew up in an alcoholic home so had no idea about things like that. Also usually the alcoholic makes us think it is all our fault too which makes it even more cloudy for us.
You deserve far better in life than this.
You seem to have a realistic picture of the situation in that he is making the decision to drink and you are getting dragged along in the problems that he brings.
It is good that the lease is ending in a month, I encourage you to decide what is best for your and your wellbeing. What you want your life to be like. As you say, you are babysitting this adult. He is going to do what he is going to do.
You are not responsible for him and his behaviour, that is solely on him. His ownership not yours.
Well done for distancing yourself, him telling you that you don't care is manipulation. He is bound to push back at you.
So please do what is best for you. Protect yourself from further damage from this situation.
A book that helps many of us on here is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It helps us see what is our responsibility and what is not. I grew up in an alcoholic home so had no idea about things like that. Also usually the alcoholic makes us think it is all our fault too which makes it even more cloudy for us.
You deserve far better in life than this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
If you were my daughter, I would tell you to leave him to it. You can't do anything to make him change, you have seen that for yourself. Lived with it!
You are 25 years old - this time in your life should be having fun and making memories. Not being a babysitter or cab driver for a drunk.
Whether you stay with him, or leave, he will do as he likes. Leave him to do it.
Put yourself first, and enjoy your life.
Much Love
Bute x
You are 25 years old - this time in your life should be having fun and making memories. Not being a babysitter or cab driver for a drunk.
Whether you stay with him, or leave, he will do as he likes. Leave him to do it.
Put yourself first, and enjoy your life.
Much Love
Bute x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,549
At 25, dating is different.
As a teen or younger adult, we may date all kinds of people to see what ideas, lifestyles, goals other people have and what may appeal to us. Around your age, we might start honing in on a partner for life and what that person would be like. We stop dating just for something to do; we start to map out our own course in life and we're looking for a partner whose desired lifestyle and goals complement our own.
Don't look at potential, look at what is. He drinks to excess three or four days a week. His drinking probably contributed to the loss of his job. He has time for friends, but apparently not for you. He lies. Your care-taking is like baby-sitting. He should be able to get home on his own (taxi, Uber, Lyft) not expect you to set an alarm and act as an unpaid chauffer like his parents were when he was a child.
When people are hoarders, they often refuse to rid themselves of things they've paid for even when that would be beneficial ( You can Google sunk-cost fallacy). You may be better served to let go of this relationship, even though you've invested the nine years, because if people could be loved into sobriety, this forum probably wouldn't exist.
As a teen or younger adult, we may date all kinds of people to see what ideas, lifestyles, goals other people have and what may appeal to us. Around your age, we might start honing in on a partner for life and what that person would be like. We stop dating just for something to do; we start to map out our own course in life and we're looking for a partner whose desired lifestyle and goals complement our own.
Don't look at potential, look at what is. He drinks to excess three or four days a week. His drinking probably contributed to the loss of his job. He has time for friends, but apparently not for you. He lies. Your care-taking is like baby-sitting. He should be able to get home on his own (taxi, Uber, Lyft) not expect you to set an alarm and act as an unpaid chauffer like his parents were when he was a child.
When people are hoarders, they often refuse to rid themselves of things they've paid for even when that would be beneficial ( You can Google sunk-cost fallacy). You may be better served to let go of this relationship, even though you've invested the nine years, because if people could be loved into sobriety, this forum probably wouldn't exist.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,438
Agree with others—if you could control his drinking, you would have already done so in the past nine years. But nobody can control someone else’s choices to use or not, so you staying just harms you and doesn’t help him.
Yes, he may use more initially, but having to face the consequences of it without you to keep things going may also be what makes him really take stock and get help. Beware him simply not packing or moving as time gets closer—is the lease in your name, both names, etc? Him simply not shifting when lease is over can hurt your credit rating.
Either way, you are not getting your needs met taking care of him. Move out and don’t feel guilty—he will very likely try to make nice, temporarily stop again to keep you in the relationship because he gets quite a bit of benefit with little to no effort on his part.
Be strong and don’t fall for it. If he really wants to get sober, he can do it and indeed must do it on his own and for himself. He will also most likely get nasty after “niceness” doesn’t work, when he finds out he can’t reel you in to keep taking care of him and his life, so I would quietly go about finding your own place, or maybe move back with family or friends where he can’t follow for a little while until the break is solid.
You deserve far better from a partner than you are getting from him. Addiction is a terrible thing for not only the addict, but those around them. Glad you are taking steps to free yourself from it. . .
Yes, he may use more initially, but having to face the consequences of it without you to keep things going may also be what makes him really take stock and get help. Beware him simply not packing or moving as time gets closer—is the lease in your name, both names, etc? Him simply not shifting when lease is over can hurt your credit rating.
Either way, you are not getting your needs met taking care of him. Move out and don’t feel guilty—he will very likely try to make nice, temporarily stop again to keep you in the relationship because he gets quite a bit of benefit with little to no effort on his part.
Be strong and don’t fall for it. If he really wants to get sober, he can do it and indeed must do it on his own and for himself. He will also most likely get nasty after “niceness” doesn’t work, when he finds out he can’t reel you in to keep taking care of him and his life, so I would quietly go about finding your own place, or maybe move back with family or friends where he can’t follow for a little while until the break is solid.
You deserve far better from a partner than you are getting from him. Addiction is a terrible thing for not only the addict, but those around them. Glad you are taking steps to free yourself from it. . .
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
I am so glad that you found this forum, but I’m so sorry that you are struggling with this, Struggling190!
It is so scary to let go of someone you love. I struggled with this immensely. But, in my loved one’s case, my presence, absence, care, anger, understanding, disappointment, anxiety, love, work, withdrawal, etc…. DID NOT ALTER his drinking.
I couldn’t save him. I showed him how to swim, but I wasn’t responsible if he drowned.
It sounds as though you have been babysitting (picking up, driving around, checking on, supporting) this man since you were too young to know that wasn’t normal relationship behavior. It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility to manage this care-giving-gone-awry (some people call it codependency) now that it has developed.
Just as he is clearly very ill with addiction, you’ve (understandably!) developed some illness of your own. I have it, too! It’s very common in loved ones of those with addiction.
The good news is that you have come to the right place if you are ready to start managing your own mental health!
You sound loving and kind. You might want to show yourself some of that love, and get out of your shared home when your lease is up next month.
Take care.
-TC
Originally Posted by Struggling190 
I am so scared of what will hall to him when I am not around.
I couldn’t save him. I showed him how to swim, but I wasn’t responsible if he drowned.
Originally Posted by Struggling190
He is making dangerous decisions and I am afraid. I distanced myself and he tells me I don’t care but I am tired of caring. I’ve babysat this person for my whole life.
Just as he is clearly very ill with addiction, you’ve (understandably!) developed some illness of your own. I have it, too! It’s very common in loved ones of those with addiction.
The good news is that you have come to the right place if you are ready to start managing your own mental health!
You sound loving and kind. You might want to show yourself some of that love, and get out of your shared home when your lease is up next month.
Take care.
-TC
Member
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by Struggling190
Hi I’m new to this. I’ve been with my SO for almost nine years. We grew up together met when we were 16 and we are 25 now. He has always been quite the partier but since we. didn’t live together I didn’t realize the extent. We moved in together at 21 and have lived together for 4 years and we have had our good times but overall it has been a nightmare. 4am waiting on hum to come home every Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday for years just to have plans with him during the week and for him to sleep through because he’s recovering from his bender. I picked up him and his friends after working 12 hours shifts and busting my ass. Came home at midnight from working all day and would set an alarm until 2 am just to go pick him up or make sure he was home. The last year got really bad. Emts were called multiple times and his level was coma level rating. I threatened to leave if he did not get help. He went to rehab for a week detoxed did IOP for 2 weeks swore he was fine and a month later he’s lying to my face saying he didn’t drink when he’s drunk as ****. My heart is shattered. We live in the same house and have not talked except for arguments. The lease ends in a month and I want to move out. I am so scared of what will happen to him when I am not around. He got fired from his job he hasn’t worked. He got into an accident with friend the other night who got dui. He is making dangerous decisions and I am afraid. I distanced myself and he tells me I don’t care but I am tired of caring. I’ve babysat this person for my whole life. I am just afraid. Support? Advice? Help?
Here's what I was struggling with and you sound similar...just keep holding on and they'll eventually "get it". They'll eventually see what we see, the last incident is the one that will push them to get help. My new approach of "fill in the blank" ignoring, calling attention to it, throwing away the alcohol, etc. is going to make them realize what they're doing.
I've learned that active addicts don't think that way, so unless they're ready to change, nothing we do is going to do anything unfortunately. I'm in the same boat with my wife and I have some tough decisons to make as well. I wish you all the luck in the world!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Struggling......yes, a good first step is to get out of that shared living as soon as you are able to do so.
You are still soooo young, and are entering what should be one of the most fun and enjoyable decades of your life.
You have a right to live your life---don't let someone's addiction take it away from you.
At the bottom line---you can't control him, anyway----no matter how much you would like to be able to.
You are still soooo young, and are entering what should be one of the most fun and enjoyable decades of your life.
You have a right to live your life---don't let someone's addiction take it away from you.
At the bottom line---you can't control him, anyway----no matter how much you would like to be able to.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Hi Struggling. Yes, you can't help him, as others have said, if you could he would be sober right now. He will quit when he is ready and not a moment before.
Two things come to mind - the first is You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
The second is, no matter how much negotiating, manipulating, no matter how many "promises" are made, please don't sign that new lease. You are right, go with you head on this one, it is steering you in the right direction. You can navigate the feelings later, when you are safe and sound and content in your new apartment/house.
It may hurt a bit at first, as you said it hasn't all been horrible, but you will get through that and the FOG will lift (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Lots of support for you here.
Two things come to mind - the first is You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
The second is, no matter how much negotiating, manipulating, no matter how many "promises" are made, please don't sign that new lease. You are right, go with you head on this one, it is steering you in the right direction. You can navigate the feelings later, when you are safe and sound and content in your new apartment/house.
It may hurt a bit at first, as you said it hasn't all been horrible, but you will get through that and the FOG will lift (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Lots of support for you here.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
As already stated you are too young to be playing baby sitter to a drunk. Once out socializing and/or dating with different people it might help put things perspective for both of you. In some respects you are enabling him because a alcoholic or addict needs to a hit a bottom or point that will help motivate change. The less time spent taking care of himself means more time, effort and resources left to party. He could be taking advantage ie uses you to help facilitate his habit. It's not just about driving him to or from a bar or money he literally needs to suffer all the consequences associated with over drinking(not just medical).
Until the alcoholic wants to sober up on their own and not appease someone else they won't. As you noted rehab amounted to a detox and/or timeout only.
Worry about yourself and stay safe.
Until the alcoholic wants to sober up on their own and not appease someone else they won't. As you noted rehab amounted to a detox and/or timeout only.
Worry about yourself and stay safe.
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