trailmix

Some people are good at doing "adult" things, like discussing the end of a relationship, some people aren't and I am guessing he falls in to the second category.

He's struggling, for whatever reasons, guilt, still caring about you but not knowing what he wants, or knowing what he should be doing (focusing on sobriety) but struggling with that.

He doesn't sound like the most stable character anyway. You said:

That was him, the nasty drunk, that's (hopefully) not him now. You were the understanding one, the caring girlfriend that put up with so much. That's not really a great dynamic and probably not a great way to start a relationship? I think in many cases this can have something to do with the breakup. The recovering alcoholic can be in a much different place once they get sober and they are seeing the world differently, it's a big adjustment.

Anyway, just some thoughts. Whatever he is up to now, whatever he is thinking, he has decided to be on his own and hopefully, maybe, get in to long term recovery.

Do you ask yourself why you put up with that nasty behaviour? Say he decided to verbally lash out at you while drunk, how did you handle that?

trailmix

Sorry, what I meant to ask was what was your reaction to his behaviour when he was abusive.

Pocohontas78

It was to apologise and say I’m sorry for whatever I did that was wrong. I tended to take the blame myself as it was easier to deal with that way, it would calm him down. I shouldn’t of done but it was either that or the aggression would carry on.

ErinGoBragh

I'll give you my input on this: I think he pulled a "gotcha!". By that, I mean he probably feels he's still in control, since he had the final say in the ending of this relationship. You wanted closure. You wanted to meet him one more time to get that closure. And he slammed the door in his face. He may be in recovery, but he's still acting like a colossal jerk.

So although I'm only speculating here, I'd say he is feeding his ego by thinking he was able to "control" the outcome of the breakup - in his mind, at least. He also got a final jab in at you and probably knew he could hurt you this way.

trailmix

This really sounds more like a hostage situation than a relationship, you know? Just because he is an alcoholic doesn't mean you had to put up with terrible treatment.

Sometimes you will read things like - alcoholism is an illness, would you abandon your SO if they had a different mental illness that wasn't under control or yadda yadda yadda.

While that's good food for thought, if the person is genuinely (and I mean genuinely) trying to get sober, but not taking that out on you, ok, stay, give it your best shot if you want to, but never under any circumstance is abuse ok. Not mental and not physical. Nothing wrong with supporting someone through their depression, for instance, but not if they lash out at you and make your life miserable. That's not taking good care of yourself and your own mental health.

So you see, you couldn't even be who you are around him. He wasn't whomever his is around you (well the non-sober part I mean), so truly, you two didn't really know each other very well at all. He knew the walking on eggshells woman and you knew the drunk you (I'm guessing) made excuses for.

I honestly don't know why he is playing at this, remorse, manipulation, ego, who knows. The only thing I know for a fact is that he is acting like an ass. If by closure you mean an explanation from him about why he broke up with you, he may not even know, he may just know that he is a mess and can't face a relationship. One thing is for certain, whatever he thinks, he's not willing to share it.

I'm going to guess he wasn't mr. let's discuss our feelings? Not really in touch with any of that?

Pocohontas78

My feelings are sadness, sadness that he has treated me this way and has no remorse and I imagine is quite happily getting on with his life and has no regrets after the way he has treated me and thinks nothing of it. Not even an apology. I’m angry that he has behaved this way and I’m angry that I meant so little to him. My daughter contacted him about a health situation I am going through unbeknown to me and he contacted me and I said that the reason I hadn’t told him was because it’s none of his business now and I’m not his and vice versa, he said he was worried and I replied to him that I too am worried etc he replied hours later with a video of him playing a bit of a song that he had written about me, I asked him a question about it and said you can’t start a conversation then ignore it and guess what he completely ignored me and no word. I don’t understand what he is thinking and his behaviour. Why write a song about me and act like I don’t exist at the same time?!

Sueby

He's getting something out of you talking to him, and he will continue to do this until you stop interacting with him. I've been where you are and I understand how painful it is to let go and move on, I hung on for WAY too long (together for almost 30 years) and it did me no good at all. Oh boy did I hang on through a lot of lying, cheating and just plain nastiness because I was holding on the man he used to be. I had to get to the point that I didn't 'see' that person any longer and realized he had no guilt drinking, or for his bad behaviours, so why should I feel any guilt for putting myself first? I don't even know if he remembers any of his questionable behaviours to regret, honestly...

You mention closure, but I don't believe closure will give you what you're looking for. So what if he apologizes and 'recognizes' what he's done, it won't change that he did it and that is what you have to live with. We have all wanted our qualifier to understand how we feel and apologize, but if we flip that over, can we really understand how they feel and how our actions have helped damage the relationship? I was angry, unhappy and tried to run ex AH's life for him so he wouldn't have a reason to drink. That doesn't work because there is ALWAYS a reason to drink, they manufacture them and in my situation, it was usually at my expense. So by that reasoning, I should apologize to him for my actions because they did more damage than good.

I can feel how upset you are, the only thing I can tell you for sure is that with no contact you will start to feel better after the initial grief abates. You'll notice how relaxed you are, how calm life feels without that chaos, and you'll feel stronger. Basically you'll realize that you made the right decision, but that will take time to see. Make sure you take time for yourself and do things that make YOU happy. Now is your time to live and not be dragged under by his choices. Take care of yourself and reach out any time you need support ❤.

trailmix

You know, it's weird but this conversation sounds totally one sided. Did he acknowledge anything you said in the text? Is it possible he has blocked you and didn't realize you were still blocked and therefore didn't see your responses?

I'm not making any excuses for him at all, just sounds like technology rather than anything else.

Pocohontas78

No my messages were being delivered and saying they had been. It’s all very odd and confusing and I’m very lost on this and his behaviour

Hawkeye13

No new contact = no new hurt / pain

Simple but not easy, I know. Yet continued contact is not helping rather the reverse. . .

ErinGoBragh

He can only play you as long as you allow it. Consider blocking him.

ErinGoBragh

ETA: He probably doesn't even know himself why he behaves as he does. I was married to an alcoholic for many years. I finally discovered that he'd change his tune from day to day. It seemed that whatever emotion dropped out of the sky would be what he would go with. There was no consistency. I stopped trying to figure out his motivation(s). I also stopped engaging him in any fashion. It helped with my healing and moving on with life.

trailmix

Not to beat a dead - umm phone delivery - but saying "delivered" just means it made it to the other person's phone - it has to get that far to be blocked. If it was blocked, it wouldn't show to him necessarily.

Pocohontas78

As he is not talking to me anyhow no contact is the only option. He looks at all my Instagram stories, not sure why but maybe that’s something I need to block him on. Why is it that despite how he has treated me and behaved I would like to see hI’m one more time but it needs to come from him and not me if ever at all. Thank you all so much for your advice once again and the care you are showing. It really is appreciated

Pocohontas78

Hello again. I saw my ex a few weeks ago and we had a lovely weekend together, he has changed a lot but was very loving and said he loved me still and was very honest with me. He said he didn’t know what the future held for us which I understand. He has changed as a person and still just as lovely. We both found it hard to part and to say goodbye. We spoke a few times after but since then he has shut me out and very rarely replies to my messages and won’t talk to me. I’m so confused now. I still love him dearly and want a future but I just don’t know what to do. He’s on step 4/5 now

SparkleKitty

What people say is a lot less important than what they do. Trust his actions, not his words.

dandylion

Pocohontas......do you see a pattern here?
He does not sound like an alcoholic in recovery......remember, that recovering is very different that just being sober.
You could be on this roller coaster ride forever more......
The only way to get off the rollercoaster ride----is to decide to get off the rollercoaster.
He is not thinking of your welfare, he is thinking of his selfish pleasures in the moment. His Actions tell you that. Look at actions---not words.

You deserve much better than this! You can find much better, but, not as long as you have attached yourself to his star.

PeacefulWater12

What SparkleKitty & Dandylion say! Absolutely.

He is in a pattern of toxic abusive behaviour. Push/pull. All on his terms.

You deserve far better.

Please protect yourself.

sage1969

Echoing what others have said . . . his actions are what you should take a long, hard look at: even during your time together he said he wasn't certain what the future would hold, then he stops communicating all together? No calls or texts even?

He's hoovering: as soon as he feels the connections between you become less, he "hoovers" / vacuums you back in with love - bombing, then once you're there, he's off to do his own thing again. Having been through this push - pull so many times, I have come to really dislike how I feel if I let this happen: confusion and pain are not what I seek in close relationships.

Is this really what you want to keep doing?

Pocohontas78

Now you have all said that I can see it for what it is. It makes me feel stupid for even believing it all. We were happy together throughout it all and I stood by him through thick and thin and now it seems that I meant nothing at all