Bekindalways

Heya Blue, I hope you are doing okay today. It does hurt beyond hurt.

Leaving my qualifier was so ding dang dad blasted tough that I never blame people who return to bad partners. Making the difficult choice to leave and even harder to stay AWAY was so painful that decades later it still remains the toughest thing I have done in my life.

Please take the best care that you can of yourself: eat well, stay hydrated, get a bit of exercise. The pain will only subside with lots of time of no contact.

Courage and strength to you.

blue26

i completely understand every word you wrote. i wish my heart was made of steel as well to protect me from the hurt i feel when he reaches out. sometimes it’s not even him reaching out that stirs up emotions and memories, sometimes little things just trigger me, things that remind me of him or remind me of how our relationship ended. i physically feel my stomach drop when that happens, because everything about him is such a familiar feeling but i can never have him again. i saw a quote not too long ago, it was “sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows.” maybe you’ve heard it before, but it sounds exactly like your last sentence. i thought i’d share it with you (: i feel the same way, that my brain knows the truth but my heart’s still a little weak for him. hopefully in time, our hearts will accept what our brains know.

blue26

hi bekindalways,
thank you for your kind post (: you are absolutely right with what you said. making the choice to leave him was so hard, i had a full blown panic attack while doing it. little did i know that staying away is even harder, and this is the part that takes time. ugh! i believe it that even decades later it’s still the toughest thing you’ve done in your life. your post means a lot to me, because people like you remind me that it’s possible to come out the other side in the situation i’m in. because you all did too. i admit it does feel impossible half the time but, like you said the pain will only subside with lots of time of no contact.
thank you again

blue26

enaiddes,
thank you so much for your reply. it means a lot to me that you quoted multiple sections of my post to make specific points. i really needed to hear all of that. i’m going to stick to my guns like you said. as painful as all of this is, i know i cannot let him back into my life at all or else i’ll just be crushed with even more pain, and signing myself up for more of his abuse.
thank you again. i appreciate it a lot!

OKRunner

Blue26 and Comewhatmay, I'm thinking of both of you tonight. I just re-read this thread and I can feel your pain and I am sending you so much strength and love to get through this time. Yes, our hearts just need to catch up with what I think are our pretty smart brains. Both of your posts really speak to me and I'm glad to have such brainy friends on here. xxxooo.

blue26

okrunner,
i’ve thought of you everyday since your first post on my other thread! better days are ahead of us, i’m sure of it. just gotta get there, and we will in time. i’m so grateful for all of your posts on here, it really really helps make each day easier reading them.
sending you and comewhatmay lots of hugs and strength as we all get through this.

HardLessons

Ive read a lot of stories here on SR F & F forums. I know how hard it is to walk away from a relationship with an addict. I totally understand the pain. I just want to point out that in all my reading on here I have never once read that someone died over leaving a relationship with an addict. So yes it hurts and possibly hurts like hell - but you will live. Meaning although it can feel like it, this is not life or death type situation.

Also if you give yourself a chance to heal, I can tell you from my own experience is does get better with time. In time, you will be able to function normally & your heart will loosen its grip on your emotions. It happened with me & if it can happen with me I think it can happen for anyone.

BTW if you dont totally block them from being able to contact you, then expect to be contacted by them. They have nothing to lose by trying to play you more & possibly everything to gain. Our addicts love playing this game. If you honestly cant take being contacted by them - then block them. Unless there are other complicating relationship factors such as children, finances, housing, marriage etc.

edoering

I’ve noticed my heart is the part of me that grieves. It misses and mourns the good parts.

My brain sometimes will perform acrobatics to try to figure out a way to change things so my heart doesn’t have to grieve. Is there something I could have done/could do now? Is there a version of the world where I get the good things back? My brain wants to protect my heart, my heart doesn’t understand what happened, it just knows how it feels.

But in a way, that means my heart is more honest—It’s gone, and that hurts. And it’s not in my control. I didn’t do it. I didn’t ask for it. I just have to feel through it.

When my brain stops trying to “fix” everything, and instead listens to what my heart knows, THAT’S when my brain finally catches up with wisdom! The wisdom to realize my AH took the good out of our relationship by his actions and choices, and while I have the power to stay in the relationship, it will not get me what I actually want. The good times. A healthy relationship. Love that nourishes and flows freely back and forth. I may have had those things with my AH in the past, and I can have those things again, but they may not be with him this time. And even more importantly, keeping him in my life as he is now is guaranteeing obstacles to those things my heart truly wants.

Short version, if we want healthy love in our lives, we have to make space for it. Often our addicts fill our lives and block the way for truly healthy love. Leaving them may feel like losing love, but I think it’s a necessary way to open up space for real love to come into our lives instead.

comewhatmay

OkRunner and Blue26, thank you both for your healing words. You always seem to know what I need to hear at the moment I need to hear it! Thank you for that!!! I'm right there with you both in feeling those difficult feelings.

Yes Blue, I have heard that quote you mentioned. I think it definitely applies to the situation. How you wrote that things remind you of him and "everything about him is such a familiar feeling but i can never have him again". I understand. I truly do. As real as that is, it still is the most difficult thing ever. When you think back to the good times, but you KNOW in your heart of hearts it is better to leave them and all they bring, or don't bring to the table behind. As much as I hate to admit it, I knew the truth a long time ago: that it was inevitable our relationship would end this way. Its better to be healthy alone than broken and sick together with him. I repeat this to myself every day. I made the decision to look after myself and do what's best for me, but I still can't get the thoughts of wanting what I can't have out of my head. I will surely try like hell to make that happen soon. I just need to have that mental funeral!!!

Good quote:

“No matter how much falls on us, we keep plowing ahead. That's the only way to keep the roads clear.”
― Greg Kincaid

Wishing everyone healing, strength and peace of mind today!

blue26

I just want to say thank you so much for this post. It really hit home on the way I've been feeling about things. It's like you put it into words for me! I've noticed my heart is the part of me that grieves too, and my brain is the part of me that knows the truth about my relationship with him. My brain does the same thing, trying to find little loopholes so I don't feel so hurt anymore. I think that's why I'd always try and justify my ex's behavior when there really was never any justifications to be made. You wrote, "And even more importantly, keeping him in my life as he is now is guaranteeing obstacles to those things my heart truly wants." Yes, exactly!!
Thank you again for your response

blue26

hi to anyone who see's this. (: i was once again debating on starting a new thread but i decided i'd rather post my update under this one.

my ex just tried to call me from rehab and left a voicemail since i didn't pick up. i never replied to the letter he sent me so i guess he's back to phone calls. in the voicemail he said he's 26 days sober, has been thinking of me constantly every day, he loves me, and is hoping we can talk at some point. then a text from his mom came in, a long paragraph. she said she knows he's been trying to communicate with me and she understands my reluctance to answer him. she said she's not going to make excuses for him, but that his addiction made him do things he would've never done otherwise. she said he knows how much he hurt me and is beating himself up over all of it. yet last time i spoke with him he didn't see anything wrong with his actions towards me. she's asking if I'll give him a few minutes on the phone "as he tries to heal".

all the "apologies" I've gotten from him have never been genuine and his excuses never add up. he only ever seems to say he's sorry because he's trying to regain control over the situation. his mom said she's learned to forgive him and that just makes it sound like she's asking me to forgive him too so his recovery goes smooth and he's not so upset over me not talking to him. i know i don't owe him or her anything, but they just won't stop! she said she knows he's still in love with me and doesn't blame me if I'm not feeling the same way anymore. but he didn't act like he loved me the way he treated me and she knows that too. I understand addiction makes people do things the "real them" wouldn't normally do, but that doesn't mean it makes everything they've done okay to the people they hurt. his mom said she's proud of him for working on himself and actually hopes i talk to him. it's like, no one can accept that i'm trying to go no contact, because that's what's best for him and i. it's all about him.

suki44883

Have you tried blocking him and his mother? That's one sure way to make them stop.

Ariesagain

Sounds like mom is volunteering to be his new chief enabler and/or she doesn’t want to have to deal with him post-rehab and is trying to manipulate you into taking over again.

No. Just no. And “forgiveness” is the new “closure”…it’s just another buzzword that honestly, I don’t really see helps the victims all that often and instead is just something ELSE they’re supposed to do. I guess it might give some people some illusion of regaining control over the situation, but still…

I digress. Tell his mom the relationship is over and you wish them both well. Then block her forevermore. She can do whatever she’s going to do.

I will repeat myelf…you’re nineteen. And so smart. Why would you consider walking back into a tornado just because a couple of very self-involved people are throwing around a bunch of words?

You don’t need their permission to end a relationship. Period.



P.S. So…is she calling those other women for him, too? You know, just as backup…

SparkleKitty

One real test of his recovery--for both him and his mother--will be learning to deal with not always getting what he wants.

Recovery can't be conditional, or it will fail. If you not responding to him is enough to thwart his recovery...then he wasn't strong in his recovery to begin with.

You have to take care of you, not them, blue.

blue26

thank you so much, aries.
i think she’s definitely trying to reel me back in for the sake of both of them for when he gets out. as if having me back in his life will smooth everything over because she’s worried about dealing with him without me around.

she actually told me a few weeks ago if i don’t want him in my life anymore then i have to tell him that straightforward, so i did! oh, but now i have to talk to him again because he’s “upset during his healing.”
i might respond to her but just not today i don’t think. it’s kind of unbelievable to me.

P.S. i wondered that too haha! apparently he asked his mom to ask his friend to stop talking to me and that other girl. why? because your friend is telling me and that other girl the truth of what you’re doing and it’s ruining your plans of having us both when you’re out of rehab?

(i haven’t spoken to that friend of his in weeks now, but i just thought it was kind of funny)

Ariesagain

P.S. She IS making excuses for him. FWIW.

blue26

thank you, sparklekitty.
you made a very good point there! that’s what i immediately thought of!
his mom was worried about me telling him the relationship was over once he got out rehab, scared he’d go off the deep end again. i was too, that’s why i told him it was over while he was in the hospital (so he was being watched by professionals). but now it’s like, me not talking to him is scaring her into thinking that’s going to mess up his recovery too.

but that’s not my fault! i can’t help him through his recovery after communicating to him that we are done and i do not wish to speak to him anymore.

blue26

oh i know!
“i’m not making excuses for him”
*makes excuses for him*
sure ... okay.

blue26

i have him blocked on everything. i’m thinking maybe i should block the rehab’s number he called me from. i was also debating on blocking his mom but i don’t know, it makes me feel kind of bad ...
but she’s not respecting my decisions so i might have to.

Ariesagain

His mommy is waaay too over involved in his love life and it’s a tad creepy. It’s like everyone’s still in middle school and having their friends tell people stuff for them. Apparently, you’re the only adult in the room there.

Block the rehab, block his mom. They both have an agenda and that agenda isn’t, “what would be best for Blue?”

I am still that he’s having his mommy text you.