blue26

Right! I swear I'm the only logical one in this entire situation. I just put it together that he's still in contact with that other girl. How else did he know his friend was talking to her if I didn't tell him, and his friend didn't tell him ...? Hint, she did! The fact that my ex's mom knows he's still trying to string both of us along, yet I get that text from her today. My gosh, it is like middle school drama. What's best for me definitely isn't a thought in their minds right now. Ugh, thank you Aries.

dandylion

blue....O. K.....try to hear me out, because I am going to go all Mother Hen. You are nineteen---the most appropriate thing for a young woman of this age is to be plotting and planning and dreaming of her next fun experience and adventures, as well as her education. The biology of it is this---the human brain is not even finished growing/full maturation, until early to mid 20s. This is much too early to be focused on committed romantic relationships---much LESS with someone who has such messed-up life problems. That will only drag you down, in life. You could find yourself in your 20s being stuck---maybe, as a single mother with young kids and wishing that you could do those things that you didn't get to do.
Please be careful to take full advantage of these wonderful years of your llife. They only come around once.

Macyc

Blue. Please hear what dandylion said.

I have 5 children. Oldest is 24, youngest is 12. I have a 19 year old daughter. She’s at college, focused on her dream. She wants to be an opera singer. And she revolves all in her life around that, in college and otherwise. Her focus and drive prevent her from allowing any outside influence that would consume her one true destiny..... to becoming her “truest self” as she tells me. I think I just learned something myself from speaking her words, advice I’m about to take im going to give you.....

borrow her focus and drive. Place it somewhere awesome. Manifesto. Not on this guy. Not any part of him. You deserve that! Give it to yourself.

imagine a speck of dust........ in your rear view mirror. He’s the speck of dust. The one you lose sight of.

trailmix

This was how I took it as well. She has the agenda and the agenda is for you to be a buffer. omg.

I'm so glad you bowed out of this relationship blue, it's not worth your time. So good for you !

blue26

thank you so much, dandylion and macyc.

everything i’ve been going through recently has taught me to focus on myself and my own life and i intend to do just that. it’s been hard letting go of the relationship i had with my ex, because he was my first boyfriend and first love, and i tried my best to help him. but i know that the kind of relationship it turned into isn’t one i should hold onto, especially at my age. i will now be seeing him as a speck of dust in my rear view mirror. goodbye dust speck.

thank you again for both of your replies i appreciate them a lot.

comewhatmay

Oh no, hell no! No no and no again. No way. Nope. Please don't entertain any of this. Not in a million goddamn years! Delete, block and keep it moving. Its SO inappropriate for his mom to contact you. Obviously this woman has an agenda, and that's to make things easier for herself and her son. So incredibly selfish. His 'healing' isn't your problem. What about your healing? Ignore how they may feel and put yourself first. You know exactly who he is Blue, and you know he's bad news. Was he good to you? No. He couldn't be a decent person the first time around, and that's not going to change just because he's done 26 days in rehab.

He made bad choices and now he has to live with it. This is a lesson he needs to learn. You owe this guy nothing. You've already told him the relationship is over, there's no need to speak to him again on the phone. You’re well out of this one. Stay that way.

blue26

That's what I immediately thought of, what about my healing? Her text was nothing about him wanting to speak to me to apologize for everything, it was all about her wanting me to speak to him so I can forgive him. Plus I don't think what he put me through is really haunting him like he told his mother it is. I think he's manipulating her to manipulate me so he can continue to try to get me back. This is a lesson he needs to learn, I agree with you.

Not that it really matters, but I counted back 26 days. He has not been sober 26 days! He was on a binge of percs the days leading up to him going to the hospital, he was high when they checked him in. I'd say he's 20 days sober at least, after detox and everything.

honeypig

You are definitely growing in wisdom, blue. I'd say this insight is right on the money.

And I'd also agree w/those who mentioned that it's doubtless easier for his mother to foist off responsibility for him onto YOU rather than to take it onto her own shoulders (still inappropriate) or let it come to rest where it SHOULD be, on HIS shoulders.

blue26

thank you, honeypig!
it helps knowing all of you are seeing it the same way i am, so i guess our intuition about her text is pretty spot on. whenever he would mess up, both him and his mom would put the blame on me when of course, only he was to blame for his actions. i can’t believe she’s trying to pull me back in so i’m responsible for him and not her - even after we’re no longer together!

trailmix

You might not be surprised that this does happen from time to time, as in, people post about this. The alcoholic's family members, Mother, Father, siblings (generally the Mother, sadly) look to the girlfriend or wife to be the saving of the alcoholic. If the partner is still with the alcoholic, if she was more supportive/not so judgemental/not so mean/kinder then he would be fine! Even if the couple separate, the ex will get the blame for not staying/not helping him/not giving him enough access to the child/children. etc etc

It's horribly messy.

I suppose when a Mother is of the mindset that ALL must rally around the alcoholic, no matter how detrimental it might be to others (and no matter that the alcoholic should be looking after himself - which would truly help him) then it seems reasonable to contact you.

That's not good for you, for her or for him, but I'm sure she doesn't see it that way.

honeypig

And blue? I don't know if this little gem has been mentioned here already, but it bears repeating, so here it is:

FallenAngelina

THIS x1000

Good work, Blue. His recovery has to be his or else it's not recovery at all. At all. People who are really in recovery do not pressure others to "help" them. This mom has no idea what real recovery looks like.

Ariesagain

Blue, how are you doing these days?

blue26

hi, aries (:
i'm doing alright. i actually got another letter from him last week, pretty much just the same stuff that was in the first letter aka a bunch of bullsh*t. i feel like he has to give up at some point, but if he (or his mom) continues - don't worry i'll be sure to post about it on here right away lol.
thank you for asking about me, i hope you're doing good as well!

Bekindalways

Sigh. Yeah, you can probably expect to keep hearing from him for awhile. I know many folks here don't open letters like that and it is probably a good idea; however, I would be doing what you are doing Blue.

Keep maintaining that no-contact and working on your side of the street.

blue26

Yeah, it probably is a good idea to not open any of the letters but I guess I’d rather just know what’s in it than constantly wonder. Thank you so much for your reply and support i really appreciate it

velma929

It's more like making stew than instant oatmeal, at least for me. Even sincere apologies don't necessitate or guarantee instant forgiveness, and sometimes apologies don't seem sincere. And sometimes they never come.

Forgiveness, like recovery, is an inside job.

Bekindalways

That is a good way to think about it Velma.

It is common to hear "Forgive.", "Get over it.", "Let go."; however human psyches doesn't work that way. Of course we change and may heal to a certain extent but it isn't at our own volition. Any "healing", "letting- go" or "getting over it" takes a lot of time of feeling the feels and still there may be wounds that we just get better at living with whatever burden we carry.

Blue, I'm getting off your situation here. Given time most of us do move on from the pain of a broken relationship. You also may well come to a point of completely forgiving your XABF but that certainly doesn't mean you will ever want to be within a 5 mile radius of where he is . . . . this probably goes for his mother too . . . . hmmm . . . . considering the actions of his mother, XABF may come by his screwed up nature quite honestly.

Ariesagain

Forgiveness is overrated, IMO. It’s a “positivity” trend that is often used to forgiveness-shame* people who have every damned right to be righteously pissed off and remain so. “Why yes, I know he murdered your son in cold blood but you should FORGIVE him and you’ll feel better.” No. It just becomes something else people are supposed to feel when they don’t. Having spent much too much of my life being told not to feel what I felt, I’m over that crap.

Here, it’s being used as a weapon. “You need to forgive him (because that way you’ll get back together and I can wash my hands of the whole mess and we can get back to pretending there isn’t a problem here) for your sake! Forgiveness is good for YOU!”

It’s just the newest iteration of, “but he SAID he was sorry!!!!”

Feh.

Trust your gut, Blue.

* Not saying anyone here is doing this, to be clear.

blue26

oh aries, how do you always seem to get me so well? for real! i do agree, in this situation i know my “potential forgiveness” is being used as a weapon. his mom wants me to do that for her own needs - like you said, so her hands will be wiped clean. the thing with my ex is if i tell him “i forgive you” that will open the doors to him thinking i want to get back together (which i do not). that’s just how his mind works. i can’t say much of anything to him without it being twisted into whatever HE wants it to mean. whether it be good or bad.

also - the whole “but he SAID he was sorry” i’ve heard that before too!