SoloMio

Have you figured out why you are compelled to love him? Even though he doesn't offer you much, if anything, at this point until he has a solid history of sobriety?

trailmix

It's kind of like an alcoholic that doesn't want to drink. He's feeling better, but maybe still a little shaky. Maybe some things still trigger an urge to drink or make him feel he's missing out on something.

So he gives those things up, at least for now. No after work at the pub with the guys, not even for a cup of coffee. No going to the bar to watch the game or play in the pool league. For now. It makes him feel bad and that's not the goal.

Later on, with say a year of sobriety and healing, he might be just fine going to the pub to watch the game and have something to eat instead.

I kind of see no-contact that way, you are still a little shaky, the letter is seen as a threat to some of your hard gained independence and peace of mind.

When you are feeling stronger, when you know he can't "get" to you, maybe you can open it, or just throw away if you like.

This is also where your boundaries come in. They can help protect us from unwanted things. If you have decided your boundary is you don't even want to speak to him until he has a solid year of sobriety (or never, or whatever you decide that boundary is) then the decision would already have been made. He can call you, email you, send you something in Morse code or a edible arrangement, it won't matter if you are not accepting any contact.

Someone is splattering mud on your windshield:

Don’t Pick Up Energy That’s Not Yours:

https://melodybeattie.com/dont-pick-energy-thats-not/

HardLessons

At times mine took to writing letters. I still have the letters. Whatever she wrote in those letters was purely to get what she wanted at that point in time. Looking back nothing contained in those letters was anything more than a bunch of BS.

I you can - get rid of it now. The longer you hold onto it the more tempted you will be to read it. Whatever this letter says , it wont be good news for you.

You asked him to leave you alone. Writing letters is just another way for him to get you back under his control.

Ariesagain

Blue, I hope you’re okay? Keep in mind that whatever is in that letter, it’s still just a bunch of words. And I wonder if he wrote originals to each of the women he’s involved with, or just made multiple copies to save time. Because I am just that cynical.

I’m going all grandma on you because you’re so young and so VERY smart and this relationship is like playing Russian roulette with your future. I just don’t want to think of you five years down that awful road with three kids, two crappy jobs, and an addict husband who does nothing but pop pills. I want you to SOAR, because I know you can!

Let us know how you’re doing, okay?

blue26

aries,

i did a lot of thinking yesterday and reminding myself that whatever’s in the letter is just a bunch of words, just like you said. also, like trailmix said, getting the letter in the mail kind of shook me a bit since i haven’t spoken to him in some time and i didn’t know what to do. i ended up opening it. he’s still trying to get me back saying, “i can’t and i won’t lose you.” - but he’s already lost me. everything he wrote in that letter is everything he’s told me countless times before, yet each time he’d go on that spiel of things he’d never end up showing me he meant any of it.

so what makes these same words different from all the other times i’ve heard them? nothing :/ especially now after everything that’s happened. he’s showed me over and over that he doesn’t want me, my love, or support. he said in the letter that he “tried to replace me and no one could ever.” but he was trying to replace me even when we were together! ugh. his actions never match his words.
also, don’t worry i’m just as cynical as you! i thought the same thing - if he was calling that other girl while he was calling me just a week ago, i wonder if he sent her a letter too.

Ariesagain

Whew!!!

comewhatmay

That's a control thing. Its all about HIM and what he wants - and that's to keep you under his control and suck you back into his drama. I'd bet money that he's still carrying on with other girls. This guy sounds highly predictable. Put the letter away or toss it in the trash. Consistent and persistent 100% no contact really is the best way, in my opinion and experience, and the only possible way to get him to go away if he doesn't go away on his own. Stay strong.

blue26

i completely agree with you! every way he’s tried to keep in contact with me after i’ve asked him to leave me alone is just him trying to get me back under his control. just like this letter is another attempt.

blue26

after i read through the letter, it did come to my attention it was all about him. after almost a month of no longer being with him, and asking him to stop contacting me, and everything else, this letter was still all about what HE wants. it contained nothing about accepting what our relationship has come to and understanding that we can no longer be together, he’s just still trying to get what he wants in no regards to what i want :/ (and what i want is best for both of us too)

FallenAngelina

In my experience, this is one of the most obvious tells of someone who is not in an ongoing recovery program (and that includes dry drunks.) I've come to believe that every single person on earth is capable of changing, it's just a matter of willingness, choosing good company and consistency. Alcoholics who are not in true recovery (in my observations) have a crippling self-concern that chokes out the ability to work well with others.

There's nothing that I can do about this when a person is not in recovery, but there is a lot that I can do about my own propensity to self-sacrifice. There is a lot that I can do about my own comfort zone of keeping myself on the back burner. One good thing about having been involved with an extremely self-oriented active alcoholic is that I came to see how very often in life I had been compromising myself, denying my true desires. I came to see how often during my life that I had fallen into self abandonment in efforts to keep relationships going. That is something that I can do a lot about.

comewhatmay

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how it messes you up and causes anxiety when they contact you. My ex fiancé tried to contact me again recently too, it really messed me up. I think I'm okay and then boom, he tries to call and I'm triggered and I'm right back to feeling a hurt that I never could imagine. Its not easy when they don't want to let go and keep trying. I can tell you with complete certainty that you're doing the right thing for both him and yourself by letting him go. If you went back he will break you again and bring chaos to your life. It becomes a toxic cycle and is very emotionally damaging. Been there, done that..too much wasted time.

Keep doing you, grow stronger and focus on putting yourself back together, you will be ok. Hugs.

OKRunner

With my AXBF, when he would contact me after he blew me off, I always thought, "Oh, I can text/call/write back because It's been a week [or whatever] and I'm over him." Sadly I learned through months of trial and error that I cannot have any contact with my Q because it just starts a vicious cycle of extreme and overwhelming pain and sadness and missing him and wanting to talk more with him and hoping he will change. The absolutely only way for me to keep that absolutely gut-wrenching pain, hurt, and sadness at bay is to not respond. The longer I go without responding, the stronger and happier I am.

I realize this option does not work for everyone. (My Q and I were not married, we didn't have kids, we didn't live together, so I have no reason to talk to him.) But for me, it's the only solution. I've tried every other approach and even one polite text message back and my heart is re-broken when he doesn't respond or when he does respond and I can tell he is drinking and then I'm left wanting something I can never, ever have and the sadness is honestly just unbearable.

blue26

yes! i’ve seen that from my own observations too. i’ve felt for a long time now that my ex is very self-concerned and that probably is a result of not being in true recovery. i’ve also come to realize, even though it was very difficult and i’m still working on it, that i cannot help, change, or fix him in anyway. i tried my absolute hardest and he did not want it and pushed me away day after day. so all i can do now is work on myself in the ways you mentioned above. thank you

blue26

i’m sorry to hear your ex-fiancé tried contacting you again recently. it really does mess us up when they reach out after some time and we thought we had our emotions under control. what you wrote is EXACTLY how i’ve felt each time he’d text, call, and when i got this letter. thank you for telling me i’m doing the right thing. sending hugs back to you (:

blue26

hi okrunner (:

my situation with my ex is the same as yours, i don’t have a reason to talk to him. nothing’s actually holding me to him besides my own feelings which i’m trying really hard to not let get in the way of keeping up what i’m doing. i think i’m doing alright though, so far. i completely understand your pain of hearing from your ex and just getting hit with a terrible amount of sadness. it’s like it gives you false hope that they’ll change, or that they’ve already changed (and in most cases they haven’t :/) you said, “-and then i’m left wanting something i can never, ever have and the sadness is honestly just unbearable.” i could’ve wrote that. i know that feeling all too well and it’s terrible! i know if i ever replied to him in anyway it would just one - end up really hurting me, and two - reopen the door to him that i’m trying so hard to shut and lock. so as much as i ever feel the need to reach out to him, i know i can’t. stay strong! you and i are both doing the right thing

OKRunner

Thank you so much for your support. You have no idea how much it means to me. <3

blue26

thank you for your support! <3 all of your posts have helped me so much, it’s nice to know someone else is going through the same thing (or something similar) that i am.

comewhatmay

Thanks blue. I needed to hear this. I've been having a rough few days. Struggling I guess would be the appropriate word. I wish my heart was made of steel so I wouldn't feel sad when he reaches out. I don't answer the phone but it still rattles me and stirs up emotions and memories. My brain knows he is no good for me, but I hate the effect he still has on my heart.

comewhatmay

I can completely relate to the above mentioned lines. Beautifully written! Yeah I think that’s probably the way it is for most of us. I can't have any contact with my ex fiancé either. The pain that would come from responding would be too strong, its not worth the heartache. So sad because it could have been so different, but it is what it is, and isn't what it isn't. I thought our love was big enough to save us from drowning, but I guess being drowned is a better choice to protect me from further damage. Yes absolutely, so hard wanting something you know you can never have. A very painful place to be, much despair/disappointment to overcome. We usually don't get the endings we want. Often just life lessons and realizations. Pay attention and accept what's behind you and learn from it. I try to take some comfort in the fact I know I gave with all my heart. Yes, it hurt me terribly. But I wanted him to experience what it felt like for someone to love him purely, and for that I can hold my head up high knowing I gave the best I could. So at least I don't have any heart shattering regret about my conduct in the relationship.

This is now my current mind set: there's nothing I can do to change the way things happened...in short...what's done cannot be undone. The end of the story. Tomorrow is a new day and I just try and be better than I was yesterday. Grateful for the things that I have with god's blessings. Have had a few rough days lately, at the end of the day I was crying alone in the dark.

We'll be ok. It'll take time, but we'll be ok. Picking up emotional pieces is a positive thing, it makes us stronger and tougher. Time to discover inner peace and restoration.

enaiddes

I hope you don’t believe a word of his about changing because he’s not going to change and is not even ready to.

Please don’t be flattered by this nonsense. The man is an active addict. He is a danger to anyone who becomes involved with him.

You do know what’s right. You need to be strong and stick to your guns. This man didnt even deserve the first chance you gave him let alone more chances. All another chance means is you signing up for more of his abuse. Please don’t make any more self destructive choices concerning this individual.

He’s not going to change - not for you and not for anybody else. The next person who gets entangled with this addict will be getting the same treatment you did.

It’s so hard at your age to do the right thing but please be strong . . . you will thank yourself later on I promise if you get this individual out of your life once and for all.

Please take care of yourself. I didnt when I was your age and I made all self destructive decisions. You are in a position to avoid all of the horrible pain and regret that I’ve gone through because of ruining my life with unhealthy partners.