need advice again, he’s asking for a second chance
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Originally Posted by velma929 
Even sincere apologies don't necessitate or guarantee instant forgiveness, and sometimes apologies don't seem sincere. And sometimes they never come.
Forgiveness, like recovery, is an inside job.
Forgiveness, like recovery, is an inside job.
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
You also may well come to a point of completely forgiving your XABF but that certainly doesn't mean you will ever want to be within a 5 mile radius of where he is . . . . this probably goes for his mother too . . . .
i may come to a point in time that i forgive him for everything (or i may not), but i’ll forgive him in my mind. like you said bekindalways, it doesn’t mean i’ll want to be in a 5 mile radius of him. or 5 foot for that matter.
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Mommy Dearest may be motivated to get sonny boy back in the good graces of his friends and lovers because 1) She doesn't have to house him, and 2) she can tell herself that everything's okay now. If he's living with a friend or girlfriend, he no longer has a problem.
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Another idea I heard about forgiveness from a monk was: "The first step in forgiveness is admitting you are not ready to forgive." . . . . . that being said, I wouldn't worry too much about forgiving right now.
Take care of yourself. Keep learning about addiction and how it affects relationships . . . . and you seem to be doing quite well. Count me impressed Blue and carry on.
Take care of yourself. Keep learning about addiction and how it affects relationships . . . . and you seem to be doing quite well. Count me impressed Blue and carry on.
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uh oh. i’m back with another update.
i don’t know if it’s bad that i post on here every time something new happens but, oh well.
i kind of just want to vent, because this sh*t is so crazy to the point it’s kind of funny. no one actually has to read this, it may be long but i feel like i need to put out there.
so i got a call from ex-boyfriend’s bestfriend. he’s been on my side this whole time, was just as mad as me, wanted him to get sober too, etc etc. i felt like he was the only one who was on my level about things since my ex’s family obviously isn’t.
he told me my ex called him for the first time since he’s been in rehab and that he’s doing “great.” basically, i can see he’s still brainwashed and i am now the only one who isn’t, in this entire situation.
he said my ex is the sober version of himself finally. yeah, obviously he’s sober, he’s in rehab.
he tried to set me up to talk to him by adding my ex into the call with us, but since my ex’s # is blocked, my phone disconnected me from the call. thank god. (the rehab facility gave him his phone for a little bit.)
basically, he relayed a message for me from my ex. he apparently really wants to talk to me, feels empty without me, will wait for me forever and never stop trying, misses me so much, and just wants one conversation with me.
okay, let’s take it back a bit. the last thing my ex said to me was “F you.” then the letters came in and now this? saying he’ll wait forever for me isn’t a cute, romantic thing anymore. it’s actually kind of scary since he’s made it very clear he can “do whatever he wants and i can’t”, has threatened me, and is also a very violent, possessive person. and he’s a cheater too … makes no sense.
the bestfriend of my ex is now saying the same thing my ex’s mom is saying! that i should just “hear him out.” he was telling me if i’m going to tell him it’s over for good, i need to do it while he’s in rehab because if he’s out, he’ll go back to drugs. i did tell him it’s over for good while he was in rehab! not to mention, he broke up with me!
they’re literally saying, “tell the person who broke up with you that it’s over for the 10th time.”
and they’re also lining it up to put the blame on me again. if i tell him for the literal 10th time that it’s over, then he will be sad and go back to drugs. but if i don’t talk to him at all, he will be sad and go back to drugs. i’m at fault either way in their minds!
none of that is my responsibility! it’s also not true recovery to rely on others to make or break your sobriety. to allow others actions or words influence your decision on if you’ll continue your drug abuse. he’s supposed to do it for himself, whether he has me or not should not change his recovery!
apparently he’s getting out of rehab at the end of next month. getting out early again, great. not to mention i’m 98% sure he’s still talking with that other girl he tried to “replace” me with.
i know he’s not going to have anything new to say to me, he already said everything in those letters i got. i also know everything he says will most likely be a lie to try and reel me back in - as it always is.
i don’t know, just felt like i should post about it all on here. thank you so much to everyone who’s been involved in this messy thread of mine.
i don’t know if it’s bad that i post on here every time something new happens but, oh well.
i kind of just want to vent, because this sh*t is so crazy to the point it’s kind of funny. no one actually has to read this, it may be long but i feel like i need to put out there.
so i got a call from ex-boyfriend’s bestfriend. he’s been on my side this whole time, was just as mad as me, wanted him to get sober too, etc etc. i felt like he was the only one who was on my level about things since my ex’s family obviously isn’t.
he told me my ex called him for the first time since he’s been in rehab and that he’s doing “great.” basically, i can see he’s still brainwashed and i am now the only one who isn’t, in this entire situation.
he said my ex is the sober version of himself finally. yeah, obviously he’s sober, he’s in rehab.
he tried to set me up to talk to him by adding my ex into the call with us, but since my ex’s # is blocked, my phone disconnected me from the call. thank god. (the rehab facility gave him his phone for a little bit.)
basically, he relayed a message for me from my ex. he apparently really wants to talk to me, feels empty without me, will wait for me forever and never stop trying, misses me so much, and just wants one conversation with me.
okay, let’s take it back a bit. the last thing my ex said to me was “F you.” then the letters came in and now this? saying he’ll wait forever for me isn’t a cute, romantic thing anymore. it’s actually kind of scary since he’s made it very clear he can “do whatever he wants and i can’t”, has threatened me, and is also a very violent, possessive person. and he’s a cheater too … makes no sense.
the bestfriend of my ex is now saying the same thing my ex’s mom is saying! that i should just “hear him out.” he was telling me if i’m going to tell him it’s over for good, i need to do it while he’s in rehab because if he’s out, he’ll go back to drugs. i did tell him it’s over for good while he was in rehab! not to mention, he broke up with me!
they’re literally saying, “tell the person who broke up with you that it’s over for the 10th time.”
and they’re also lining it up to put the blame on me again. if i tell him for the literal 10th time that it’s over, then he will be sad and go back to drugs. but if i don’t talk to him at all, he will be sad and go back to drugs. i’m at fault either way in their minds!
none of that is my responsibility! it’s also not true recovery to rely on others to make or break your sobriety. to allow others actions or words influence your decision on if you’ll continue your drug abuse. he’s supposed to do it for himself, whether he has me or not should not change his recovery!
apparently he’s getting out of rehab at the end of next month. getting out early again, great. not to mention i’m 98% sure he’s still talking with that other girl he tried to “replace” me with.
i know he’s not going to have anything new to say to me, he already said everything in those letters i got. i also know everything he says will most likely be a lie to try and reel me back in - as it always is.
i don’t know, just felt like i should post about it all on here. thank you so much to everyone who’s been involved in this messy thread of mine.
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I'm glad you posted! I always think updates are great, whether that's to get other perspectives or just to write it out. Your posts also help others, you may have experienced something along the way or have a way of looking at something that others haven't seen before and it might make them feel better. Seeing you staying strong and you having real clarity is inspiring.
I personally like to see how people are doing as well.
It's hard for other people I think, to really see it. They don't know what you've been through, they don't live with him, he is not like he is with you, so probably hard for them to imagine even.
Sure, he's his pleasant self right now (to his friend), as you said he's sober because he's in rehab! It's nice his friend is happy about that, but he probably doesn't know much about addiction either.
I personally like to see how people are doing as well.
It's hard for other people I think, to really see it. They don't know what you've been through, they don't live with him, he is not like he is with you, so probably hard for them to imagine even.
Sure, he's his pleasant self right now (to his friend), as you said he's sober because he's in rehab! It's nice his friend is happy about that, but he probably doesn't know much about addiction either.
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Good grief, I don’t know where you live but it’s clear people there really need new interests. Like knitting or miniature golf. Raising hedgehogs. Beekeeping. Anything other than trying to tell you what to do with your life. Sheesh.
You need a calm, one sentence reply to all of this nonsense, right before you block whatever meddling emissary your ex or his mother has sent your way, like, “We broke up.” End of sentence. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat until they slink away defeated or you can hang up or otherwise remove yourself from the conversation. If you don’t give any of them (or him) anything to work with, they can’t keep arguing with you. You broke up. The End.
I was thinking about you this weekend and I want you to remember one thing: you are special. You are remarkably perceptive, intelligent, analytical, clear-headed and articulate. And you are all of those things at such a young age…most people, including myself, were and are a lukewarm mess at that stage of life.
You don’t mention having parents or friends that support you as you are going through this, so in case you don’t have anyone who supports you in real life the way you deserve, know that you have impressed many of us a great deal. You are SPECIAL. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise and don’t, please don’t, give up on your tremendous potential by getting sucked back into this relationship.
Sending you a hug.
You need a calm, one sentence reply to all of this nonsense, right before you block whatever meddling emissary your ex or his mother has sent your way, like, “We broke up.” End of sentence. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat until they slink away defeated or you can hang up or otherwise remove yourself from the conversation. If you don’t give any of them (or him) anything to work with, they can’t keep arguing with you. You broke up. The End.
I was thinking about you this weekend and I want you to remember one thing: you are special. You are remarkably perceptive, intelligent, analytical, clear-headed and articulate. And you are all of those things at such a young age…most people, including myself, were and are a lukewarm mess at that stage of life.
You don’t mention having parents or friends that support you as you are going through this, so in case you don’t have anyone who supports you in real life the way you deserve, know that you have impressed many of us a great deal. You are SPECIAL. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise and don’t, please don’t, give up on your tremendous potential by getting sucked back into this relationship.
Sending you a hug.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I'm glad you posted! Your posts also help others, you may have experienced something along the way or have a way of looking at something that others haven't seen before and it might make them feel better. Seeing you staying strong and you having real clarity is inspiring.
Sure, he's his pleasant self right now (to his friend), as you said he's sober because he's in rehab! It's nice his friend is happy about that, but he probably doesn't know much about addiction either.
Sure, he's his pleasant self right now (to his friend), as you said he's sober because he's in rehab! It's nice his friend is happy about that, but he probably doesn't know much about addiction either.
you’re right, it is nice to post updates and just see how people are doing!
his friend is actually an addict too, forgot to mention that. plus he’s been living with him since last fall, so the two of them under the same roof has been very chaotic. i was smiling for him when he was all happy talking about my ex seeming like he’s doing good.
i’m not going to be stubborn with his friends or family about his try at recovery, of course not, i’d feel terrible if i was .. but i just wish they didn’t put me on a pedestal, like i’m the true thing that’ll fix him. because i’m just simply not. :/
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Good grief, I don’t know where you live but it’s clear people there really need new interests. Like knitting or miniature golf. Raising hedgehogs. Beekeeping. Anything other than trying to tell you what to do with your life. Sheesh.
And lol
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
California123, how are you?
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Good grief, I don’t know where you live but it’s clear people there really need new interests. Like knitting or miniature golf. Raising hedgehogs. Beekeeping. Anything other than trying to tell you what to do with your life. Sheesh.
I was thinking about you this weekend and I want you to remember one thing: you are special. You are remarkably perceptive, intelligent, analytical, clear-headed and articulate. And you are all of those things at such a young age…most people, including myself, were and are a lukewarm mess at that stage of life.
Sending you a hug.
I was thinking about you this weekend and I want you to remember one thing: you are special. You are remarkably perceptive, intelligent, analytical, clear-headed and articulate. And you are all of those things at such a young age…most people, including myself, were and are a lukewarm mess at that stage of life.
Sending you a hug.
Also thank you for reminding me to not get sucked back into the relationship. Him, his mom, and friends, all act so nonchalant when they contact me. As if they're surprised or something that I don't want anything to do with him. It ends up messing with my head, makes me start to question if I'm overreacting to everything - I know deep down I'm not though .. so thank you for always validating that for me (:
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Originally Posted by blue26
makes me start to question if I'm overreacting to everything - I know deep down I'm not though ..
I used to often question myself about whether I was overreacting and lately I'm questioning the validity of the very premise of that term.
To overreact means that my reaction is not one that someone else approves of or sees the sense in. The word is a judgement about how I feel. The more I shift away from concern about how other people evaluate me, the more I find "overreact" to be an irrelevant concept. My reaction is my reaction. There's no "too much" about it. I am where I am today, period. I can certainly opt to look at things differently, I can consult trusted people to help me get a better perspective, I can learn more, I can work on coming to a more peaceful state of mind. I have many choices. However, my reaction today is my reaction today. It makes complete and total sense, given my experiences and given what I know so far. There is nothing inappropriate or "too much" about how I feel today.
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
I used to often question myself about whether I was overreacting and lately I'm questioning the validity of the very premise of that term.
To overreact means that my reaction is not one that someone else approves of or sees the sense in. The word is a judgement about how I feel. The more I shift away from concern about how other people evaluate me, the more I find "overreact" to be an irrelevant concept. My reaction is my reaction. There's no "too much" about it. I am where I am today, period. I can certainly opt to look at things differently, I can consult trusted people to help me get a better perspective, I can learn more, I can work on coming to a more peaceful state of mind. I have many choices. However, my reaction today is my reaction today. It makes complete and total sense, given my experiences and given what I know so far. There is nothing inappropriate or "too much" about how I feel today.
To overreact means that my reaction is not one that someone else approves of or sees the sense in. The word is a judgement about how I feel. The more I shift away from concern about how other people evaluate me, the more I find "overreact" to be an irrelevant concept. My reaction is my reaction. There's no "too much" about it. I am where I am today, period. I can certainly opt to look at things differently, I can consult trusted people to help me get a better perspective, I can learn more, I can work on coming to a more peaceful state of mind. I have many choices. However, my reaction today is my reaction today. It makes complete and total sense, given my experiences and given what I know so far. There is nothing inappropriate or "too much" about how I feel today.
I am no longer feeling the need to look at my reactions through the eyes of others and whether THEY think they are ok or not.
I am no longer doing the codie dance of needing the nod of approval of others.
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
I used to often question myself about whether I was overreacting and lately I'm questioning the validity of the very premise of that term.
To overreact means that my reaction is not one that someone else approves of or sees the sense in. The word is a judgement about how I feel. The more I shift away from concern about how other people evaluate me, the more I find "overreact" to be an irrelevant concept. My reaction is my reaction. There's no "too much" about it. I am where I am today, period. I can certainly opt to look at things differently, I can consult trusted people to help me get a better perspective, I can learn more, I can work on coming to a more peaceful state of mind. I have many choices. However, my reaction today is my reaction today. It makes complete and total sense, given my experiences and given what I know so far. There is nothing inappropriate or "too much" about how I feel today.
To overreact means that my reaction is not one that someone else approves of or sees the sense in. The word is a judgement about how I feel. The more I shift away from concern about how other people evaluate me, the more I find "overreact" to be an irrelevant concept. My reaction is my reaction. There's no "too much" about it. I am where I am today, period. I can certainly opt to look at things differently, I can consult trusted people to help me get a better perspective, I can learn more, I can work on coming to a more peaceful state of mind. I have many choices. However, my reaction today is my reaction today. It makes complete and total sense, given my experiences and given what I know so far. There is nothing inappropriate or "too much" about how I feel today.
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FallenAnglina, thank you for your response. My middle name (per my AXBF) is "overreact." For example, he formally invited me to his family's country home for the weekend to meet his family and then just didn't show/call/text because he chose to drink instead. I said his behavior was disrespectful of my time as I had turned down other invitations and opportunities for the weekend. He said I was "overreacting." I could give you a million similar/identical examples, but whenever I politely and professionally responded by saying him completely blowing me off to drink after a formal invitation/date/plan was disrespectful of me and my time, I was labeled as an "overreactor."
Well, you know what? My time is valuable. I work hard and I look forward to the weekends and my non-work plans. I have options on the weekends and when I'm blown off I think that's disrespectful. And if others think it is not, so be it. They can blow off someone else. But not me. I'm done with being blown off.
And, my (initial) role in this was agreeing to plans from someone I knew (after the first three times it happened -- so the fourth time you could say I should have known) would likely blow me off. When I finally said (very politely) "no, thank you" to the X to the Nth date/plan (because I knew it would never happen -- his actions never, ever matched his invitations) that is when he stopped liking me. (But I was never accused of overreacting again because I never gave him the chance to blow me off again.)
Well, you know what? My time is valuable. I work hard and I look forward to the weekends and my non-work plans. I have options on the weekends and when I'm blown off I think that's disrespectful. And if others think it is not, so be it. They can blow off someone else. But not me. I'm done with being blown off.
And, my (initial) role in this was agreeing to plans from someone I knew (after the first three times it happened -- so the fourth time you could say I should have known) would likely blow me off. When I finally said (very politely) "no, thank you" to the X to the Nth date/plan (because I knew it would never happen -- his actions never, ever matched his invitations) that is when he stopped liking me. (But I was never accused of overreacting again because I never gave him the chance to blow me off again.)
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Well done OKR. Another one used a lot is you are "over sensitive". I always say, no, I'm not, I am just as sensitive as I am and it's just perfect for me. I don't hear this a lot, only from people who are in the wrong lol
I also always find it funny that someone who would say that to you is usually a person who wants to be treated with sensitivity. I have said to them, you like that I treat you sensitively but you don't want me to be sensitive to anything else - sorry, doesn't work that way!
I also always find it funny that someone who would say that to you is usually a person who wants to be treated with sensitivity. I have said to them, you like that I treat you sensitively but you don't want me to be sensitive to anything else - sorry, doesn't work that way!
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