need advice again, he’s asking for a second chance
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Originally Posted by blue26 
hi aries, i was re-reading all my threads and everyone’s posts because they’ve helped me so much. i accidentally posted this thread under friends and family of alcoholics, instead of substance abusers ... but i came across this post of yours again and since then it’s gotten so crazy i felt the need to tell you.
you said you doubt he’d go away that easily unless he’s already hooked in one of the women he’s cheated on me with, well guess what! he’s hooked in 2 more women, both abuse substances just like him. he’s back in rehab currently and is asking one of them to “wait for him” for when he gets out, but has been calling me as well from the rehab facility asking for me back. he’s saying one thing to her, and the opposite to me. the man i was in a 2 1/2 year relationship with is currently playing me and a girl he just met and hooked up with a week ago, to see which one he can get. it’s as if he’s planning to have both of us in a couple months once he’s back home. i told him i can no longer be with him, and to stop calling me, but we’ll see how long it takes for him to try calling again. i’m not sure if you’ll ever see this post of mine but i needed to tell you. it’s almost laughable at this point what he’s doing. i wish the best for him and pray he’s able to get better but when i told him that, he said “F you” and hung up.
hilarious.
you said you doubt he’d go away that easily unless he’s already hooked in one of the women he’s cheated on me with, well guess what! he’s hooked in 2 more women, both abuse substances just like him. he’s back in rehab currently and is asking one of them to “wait for him” for when he gets out, but has been calling me as well from the rehab facility asking for me back. he’s saying one thing to her, and the opposite to me. the man i was in a 2 1/2 year relationship with is currently playing me and a girl he just met and hooked up with a week ago, to see which one he can get. it’s as if he’s planning to have both of us in a couple months once he’s back home. i told him i can no longer be with him, and to stop calling me, but we’ll see how long it takes for him to try calling again. i’m not sure if you’ll ever see this post of mine but i needed to tell you. it’s almost laughable at this point what he’s doing. i wish the best for him and pray he’s able to get better but when i told him that, he said “F you” and hung up.
hilarious.
I also find these things so ugly and bad that I just start laughing too. Of course it is really terribly sad for him, you and everyone else with whom he comes in contact. However, I find the laughter helpful.
You may have seen the Quacker's thread. We call the things that Addicts say "Quacking" as it makes as much sense as a duck. They lie, manipulate and make bad promises. If you can, give whatever they say as much thought as you would give to a duck.
Please do everything you can to block any way he has of contacting you. Also be kind and gentle with yourself. This is a tough thing to go through at any age and you are quite young . . . .although seemingly wise beyond your years!
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I'm sorry he did contact you again blue. What a jerk! He is probably looking for a place to stay when he gets out of rehab. Ideally it would be your place but as an alternative he can go stay with another addict! Obviously very far from taking recovery from addiction seriously.
They say if you want to know if someone is in recovery, just tell them "no" and see what happens. You sure got your answer on that!
They say if you want to know if someone is in recovery, just tell them "no" and see what happens. You sure got your answer on that!
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blue26,
The members here have already given you excellent replies, they are spot on. You’re being played. Don't be fooled by his sweet talk. Put yourself in a position of power and go straight back to no contact. Emotionally healthy people do not act the way he does. He isn't worth your time. Sending you hugs.
The members here have already given you excellent replies, they are spot on. You’re being played. Don't be fooled by his sweet talk. Put yourself in a position of power and go straight back to no contact. Emotionally healthy people do not act the way he does. He isn't worth your time. Sending you hugs.
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Join Date: May 2021
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Originally Posted by blue26
he’s back in rehab currently and is asking one of them to “wait for him” for when he gets out, but has been calling me as well from the rehab facility asking for me back. he’s saying one thing to her, and the opposite to me. the man i was in a 2 1/2 year relationship with is currently playing me and a girl he just met and hooked up with a week ago, to see which one he can get. it’s as if he’s planning to have both of us in a couple months once he’s back home.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Yikes. Well, in a way I’m sorry to be right, because I know it still hurts, but if this is what liberates you from that mess once and for all, I’m happy this has happened and you can get on with your one and precious life.
Wishing you the best, always…
Wishing you the best, always…
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Unfortunately it is so damn predictable. I also find these things so ugly and bad that I just start laughing too. Of course it is really terribly sad for him, you and everyone else with whom he comes in contact. However, I find the laughter helpful.
You may have seen the Quacker's thread. We call the things that Addicts say "Quacking" as it makes as much sense as a duck. They lie, manipulate and make bad promises. If you can, give whatever they say as much thought as you would give to a duck.
Please do everything you can to block any way he has of contacting you. Also be kind and gentle with yourself. This is a tough thing to go through at any age and you are quite young . . . .although seemingly wise beyond your years!
You may have seen the Quacker's thread. We call the things that Addicts say "Quacking" as it makes as much sense as a duck. They lie, manipulate and make bad promises. If you can, give whatever they say as much thought as you would give to a duck.
Please do everything you can to block any way he has of contacting you. Also be kind and gentle with yourself. This is a tough thing to go through at any age and you are quite young . . . .although seemingly wise beyond your years!
thank you for your response, i really appreciate it!
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I'm sorry he did contact you again blue. What a jerk! He is probably looking for a place to stay when he gets out of rehab. Ideally it would be your place but as an alternative he can go stay with another addict! Obviously very far from taking recovery from addiction seriously.
They say if you want to know if someone is in recovery, just tell them "no" and see what happens. You sure got your answer on that!
They say if you want to know if someone is in recovery, just tell them "no" and see what happens. You sure got your answer on that!
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Originally Posted by comewhatmay
blue26,
The members here have already given you excellent replies, they are spot on. You’re being played. Don't be fooled by his sweet talk. Put yourself in a position of power and go straight back to no contact. Emotionally healthy people do not act the way he does. He isn't worth your time. Sending you hugs.
The members here have already given you excellent replies, they are spot on. You’re being played. Don't be fooled by his sweet talk. Put yourself in a position of power and go straight back to no contact. Emotionally healthy people do not act the way he does. He isn't worth your time. Sending you hugs.
you’re 100% right with what you said, “emotionally healthy people do not act the way he does”. thank you !
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Originally Posted by case762
I'm 40, very successful, my girlfriend is 35 and is doing the same crap in rehab. Run....Run far far away. He won't change.
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Our addicts love to play us. In reality they are all successful at playing us for a period of time (however long that is). They know they are playing us because they know we dont know the truth or really understand the situation. I was played for years. She is really good at it.
The day does come when we begin to wake up. Where we start to understand the reality of whats going on. We push back with our addicts which we find out quickly - they dont like that. They try harder to play us & often punish us in various ways. Thats the game they play. Eventually they do give up. Mine did.
Kick the stinky trash to the curb & let someone else deal with it. Your 19, summer is here soon, seems COVID is about done, go have fun.
The day does come when we begin to wake up. Where we start to understand the reality of whats going on. We push back with our addicts which we find out quickly - they dont like that. They try harder to play us & often punish us in various ways. Thats the game they play. Eventually they do give up. Mine did.
Kick the stinky trash to the curb & let someone else deal with it. Your 19, summer is here soon, seems COVID is about done, go have fun.
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From edoering:
He may truly be feeling awful right now because you are setting boundaries and possibly his mother/family are also, but that doesn’t mean he’s actually changing. If he can get you and other people he loves to come back and take care of him, then you may be surprised to find him going right back to his usual patterns.
Yes this. A million times this. A million zillion times this!
When I look back at the arc of my brothers' alcoholism over decades I can see very clearly now the stages of learning their addiction put them through. Addiction was teaching them how to be really good addicts! This is definitely an early one, manipulating the natural feelings of loved ones so they buy themselves more time to just keep the addiction going; not changing themselves, but pressing everyone around them to change. Meanwhile, nothing gets in the way of the drinking.
So if they have to lie, manipulate, express remorse, keep a job, lose a job, stay sober for a period of time, confess something, hide something, claim stress, blame everyone else and the world....whatever it takes they will try it at least once.....but the reality (there is a REALITY that we can often lose sight of because we're being emotionally manipulated) is that THEY are not doing the work of recovery! They are not changing towards being a fully recovered person they are merely trying to bend the ever-shrinking world around them so that their excuses, benders, resolutions, promises, etc etc allow them to keep using.
Stay strong...focus on yourself and your young life. You're free to choose to be in healthy non-manipulative relationships. You owe this person nothing but your good will!
Peace,
B.
He may truly be feeling awful right now because you are setting boundaries and possibly his mother/family are also, but that doesn’t mean he’s actually changing. If he can get you and other people he loves to come back and take care of him, then you may be surprised to find him going right back to his usual patterns.
Yes this. A million times this. A million zillion times this!
When I look back at the arc of my brothers' alcoholism over decades I can see very clearly now the stages of learning their addiction put them through. Addiction was teaching them how to be really good addicts! This is definitely an early one, manipulating the natural feelings of loved ones so they buy themselves more time to just keep the addiction going; not changing themselves, but pressing everyone around them to change. Meanwhile, nothing gets in the way of the drinking.
So if they have to lie, manipulate, express remorse, keep a job, lose a job, stay sober for a period of time, confess something, hide something, claim stress, blame everyone else and the world....whatever it takes they will try it at least once.....but the reality (there is a REALITY that we can often lose sight of because we're being emotionally manipulated) is that THEY are not doing the work of recovery! They are not changing towards being a fully recovered person they are merely trying to bend the ever-shrinking world around them so that their excuses, benders, resolutions, promises, etc etc allow them to keep using.
Stay strong...focus on yourself and your young life. You're free to choose to be in healthy non-manipulative relationships. You owe this person nothing but your good will!
Peace,
B.
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Originally Posted by HardLessons
Our addicts love to play us. In reality they are all successful at playing us for a period of time (however long that is). They know they are playing us because they know we dont know the truth or really understand the situation. I was played for years. She is really good at it.
The day does come when we begin to wake up. Where we start to understand the reality of whats going on. We push back with our addicts which we find out quickly - they dont like that. They try harder to play us & often punish us in various ways. Thats the game they play. Eventually they do give up. Mine did.
Kick the stinky trash to the curb & let someone else deal with it. Your 19, summer is here soon, seems COVID is about done, go have fun.
The day does come when we begin to wake up. Where we start to understand the reality of whats going on. We push back with our addicts which we find out quickly - they dont like that. They try harder to play us & often punish us in various ways. Thats the game they play. Eventually they do give up. Mine did.
Kick the stinky trash to the curb & let someone else deal with it. Your 19, summer is here soon, seems COVID is about done, go have fun.
thank you for reading my post and replying. our addicts definitely do love playing us. looking back on it, the minute i started to wake up from the game he’s been playing, is when it all went to ****. i would no longer enable him and i would no longer stand for his abusive behavior towards me and all i got out of that was more abusive behavior and eventually was broken up with. i’m really trying to enjoy being 19 and excited over the things coming up in my own life. i hope it gets easier with time as i begin to heal from this heartbreaking situation. so thank you again
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Originally Posted by Bernadette
This is definitely an early one, manipulating the natural feelings of loved ones so they buy themselves more time to just keep the addiction going; not changing themselves, but pressing everyone around them to change. Meanwhile, nothing gets in the way of the drinking.
So if they have to lie, manipulate, express remorse, keep a job, lose a job, stay sober for a period of time, confess something, hide something, claim stress, blame everyone else and the world....whatever it takes they will try it at least once.....but the reality (there is a REALITY that we can often lose sight of because we're being emotionally manipulated) is that THEY are not doing the work of recovery! They are not changing towards being a fully recovered person they are merely trying to bend the ever-shrinking world around them so that their excuses, benders, resolutions, promises, etc etc allow them to keep using.
Stay strong...focus on yourself and your young life. You're free to choose to be in healthy non-manipulative relationships. You owe this person nothing but your good will!
Peace,
B.
So if they have to lie, manipulate, express remorse, keep a job, lose a job, stay sober for a period of time, confess something, hide something, claim stress, blame everyone else and the world....whatever it takes they will try it at least once.....but the reality (there is a REALITY that we can often lose sight of because we're being emotionally manipulated) is that THEY are not doing the work of recovery! They are not changing towards being a fully recovered person they are merely trying to bend the ever-shrinking world around them so that their excuses, benders, resolutions, promises, etc etc allow them to keep using.
Stay strong...focus on yourself and your young life. You're free to choose to be in healthy non-manipulative relationships. You owe this person nothing but your good will!
Peace,
B.
thank you so much for your reply. i really really appreciate it.
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Originally Posted by blue26
wow, your post made me realize that is exactly what he is/ has been doing! his actions have never added up to him trying to recover or changing any of his behavior. all he does is try to change the things around him with his words. he would make compromises with his family and he would make empty promises to me but he never followed through on any of those. it always took awhile to realize that, (like you said, losing sight of the reality because we’re being emotionally manipulated). he’s even swapped me out for a different girl because she will enable him and i don’t anymore. all of that is just changing the world around him instead of working on changing himself. wow.
thank you so much for your reply. i really really appreciate it.
thank you so much for your reply. i really really appreciate it.
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Originally Posted by blue26
i’m so sorry she’s putting you through the same thing. after a very long time of hoping he’ll change i’ve come to conclusion that he won’t. i sometimes doubt that however, so i appreciate you telling me that. it’s the sad truth.
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Originally Posted by case762
And if he did go to rehab, I can almost guarantee you he'll be that guy preying on vulnerable women just like that clown did to my girl, telling multiple women how much he needs them. It's part of their addiction. Get away now before he does real damage to you. Also, consider your own struggle with codependence. I'm saying this to myself as much as I am to you.
When a person has few inner spiritual and emotional resources, they look to other people for that sustenance. This is one reason cheating and quasi-cheating is so prevalent among addicts. This is also why "being strong" or "being supportive" for another person never, ever, ever works. It's important to recognize that we do the same grasping for sustenance. Alcoholism and codependence go hand in hand, everyone grasping at another person for that life giving juice. I know that for myself, when I feel resentment about how much I'm giving, it's a clear bat signal that I need to check my own propensity to look to others for my life juice. Both unrecovered alcoholics and unrecovered codependents are emotional vampires. The antidote is always for each to work on their own and for each to fortify their own store of sustenance.
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if anyone who’s been replying to this thread sees this, i just want to say thank you so much to all of you for your advice and sharing your stories. everyone’s posts have been helping me immensely.
i decided to post under this same thread instead of making a new one because i thought maybe my posts are helping others the way you guys are helping me. that being said i have another update, oh god.
i just received a letter in the mail from my ex. he’s still in rehab currently, and since last week when i told him not to call me anymore i guess he’s resorted to letters. i didn’t open it. just seeing that it’s his handwriting on the envelope made me start crying. i’ve been trying so hard to heal from all of this and have really been working on the “no contact”. i’ve cut out communication with his friends and family, i’ve blocked him on all social media, and haven’t been looking at anything to trigger my emotions about him.
but now i get this. of course. i’m almost positive opening it and reading it will be breaking my streak of no contact. i also have a feeling anything that’s inside is just more of the same bs he’s been feeding me these past couple weeks. it’s probably the same stuff he tried telling me on the phone (more manipulation and that he wants me back.) he’s also probably still been calling that other girl he’s tried to trap in now that i’m out of the picture. so i know either way whatever’s in that letter, most likely isn’t going to make the situation any better.
i’m really anxious thinking about it though. but i shouldn’t open it, right?
i decided to post under this same thread instead of making a new one because i thought maybe my posts are helping others the way you guys are helping me. that being said i have another update, oh god.
i just received a letter in the mail from my ex. he’s still in rehab currently, and since last week when i told him not to call me anymore i guess he’s resorted to letters. i didn’t open it. just seeing that it’s his handwriting on the envelope made me start crying. i’ve been trying so hard to heal from all of this and have really been working on the “no contact”. i’ve cut out communication with his friends and family, i’ve blocked him on all social media, and haven’t been looking at anything to trigger my emotions about him.
but now i get this. of course. i’m almost positive opening it and reading it will be breaking my streak of no contact. i also have a feeling anything that’s inside is just more of the same bs he’s been feeding me these past couple weeks. it’s probably the same stuff he tried telling me on the phone (more manipulation and that he wants me back.) he’s also probably still been calling that other girl he’s tried to trap in now that i’m out of the picture. so i know either way whatever’s in that letter, most likely isn’t going to make the situation any better.
i’m really anxious thinking about it though. but i shouldn’t open it, right?
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