Struggling with all this
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Struggling with all this
Everything that happened has been definitely too much to take in. And today I feel especially bad (sad, anxious) didn’t do anything but being in my phone the whole day to distract myself. My mind is racing like crazy. And I noticed that the “perfect” image of him, that he made me believe in the beginning of our relationship, now it is so deeply rooted in my head that even after everything I now know it is hard for me to believe it. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s like I believe it, but also don’t.
Its hard to even assume that that person never loved me in this 5 years of relationship. That he brought me to his country, got married with me, said I was the love of his life and never really loved me. Hard to believe someone can be so selfish and cruel even being clean from drugs (at this point of time). Hard to believe someone could just throw you like garbage and change you for someone else instantly. And treat you so bad as if you did something wrong.
I am so scared that this image of him, that is unreal, is so intense that I’d be looking for it in other people and won’t find, because it’s not real. That person never existed. And I definitely hold that resentment towards him for that. Because he created that image, with all his words of how loyal and honest he was and how he was looking for the same. I hold resentment because he was looking for the perfect person for him as he said, and that before starting things with me he first had to check if I was good enough. He spend several months just analyzing me. And then he realized I am the one, the perfect woman for him. SO CRUEL. Cruel to find someone perfect for you and not being willing to give anything to that person but only take...
I definitely have this stupid desire of him to regret everything he has done and see it and come begging for forgiveness. But I can’t focus on that, or wait for that. That person owes me an apology at least, but I need to heal without it - I know!
It hurts so much that it’s unexplainable. But I’m sure most of you can understand it. I do try to focus on myself and move forward but it is not always easy.
Its hard to even assume that that person never loved me in this 5 years of relationship. That he brought me to his country, got married with me, said I was the love of his life and never really loved me. Hard to believe someone can be so selfish and cruel even being clean from drugs (at this point of time). Hard to believe someone could just throw you like garbage and change you for someone else instantly. And treat you so bad as if you did something wrong.
I am so scared that this image of him, that is unreal, is so intense that I’d be looking for it in other people and won’t find, because it’s not real. That person never existed. And I definitely hold that resentment towards him for that. Because he created that image, with all his words of how loyal and honest he was and how he was looking for the same. I hold resentment because he was looking for the perfect person for him as he said, and that before starting things with me he first had to check if I was good enough. He spend several months just analyzing me. And then he realized I am the one, the perfect woman for him. SO CRUEL. Cruel to find someone perfect for you and not being willing to give anything to that person but only take...
I definitely have this stupid desire of him to regret everything he has done and see it and come begging for forgiveness. But I can’t focus on that, or wait for that. That person owes me an apology at least, but I need to heal without it - I know!
It hurts so much that it’s unexplainable. But I’m sure most of you can understand it. I do try to focus on myself and move forward but it is not always easy.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
hi Mash,
Totally normal to feel the way you are. After the heartbreak and all the stuff that went on, I totally held on to this idealized version of my ex too. Take a deep breath, it is normal. I think that spouses live under illusions of their addicted partners...I know I sure did. The illusions like: (1) things will get better, (2) this isn't as bad as it seems, (3) they would never do that, (4) they are so amazing, (5) I can't live without them....
I learned from someone that addiction can't exist without illiusion. Sounds like you are feeling the pain, grief, sorrow. I know it all to well. I wish I could say something to take the pain away. Keep posting.
Totally normal to feel the way you are. After the heartbreak and all the stuff that went on, I totally held on to this idealized version of my ex too. Take a deep breath, it is normal. I think that spouses live under illusions of their addicted partners...I know I sure did. The illusions like: (1) things will get better, (2) this isn't as bad as it seems, (3) they would never do that, (4) they are so amazing, (5) I can't live without them....
I learned from someone that addiction can't exist without illiusion. Sounds like you are feeling the pain, grief, sorrow. I know it all to well. I wish I could say something to take the pain away. Keep posting.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
Hi Mashabo, you know sometimes it takes our emotions time to catch up with our brains. You know logically how terrible he has been but feeling anger etc might not come until later (if ever).
It's acceptance that he is who he is now. Did he never love you? Do you really know that? Even if he says that, he may have forgotten those feelings, he's not exactly stable.
If you are feeling that your sadness is more than sadness, perhaps depression, if you are dragging yourself through the day, if you are wondering if you can even cope with these feelings sometimes, it may be time to reach out for other help. You may want to visit a doctor to see if you might have situational depression/anxiety. Usually this might involve a brief set of questions you would need to answer, don't put on a brave face, tell them how you are really feeling. There is help out there, you have us and you may need a little bit of help from professionals as well.
I say this because we think oh well, we will get over this eventually and I need to focus on myself and I need to do this this and this to get to there, but sometimes, we all need help, there is no shame in that at all, brave people ask for help as well.
It's acceptance that he is who he is now. Did he never love you? Do you really know that? Even if he says that, he may have forgotten those feelings, he's not exactly stable.
If you are feeling that your sadness is more than sadness, perhaps depression, if you are dragging yourself through the day, if you are wondering if you can even cope with these feelings sometimes, it may be time to reach out for other help. You may want to visit a doctor to see if you might have situational depression/anxiety. Usually this might involve a brief set of questions you would need to answer, don't put on a brave face, tell them how you are really feeling. There is help out there, you have us and you may need a little bit of help from professionals as well.
I say this because we think oh well, we will get over this eventually and I need to focus on myself and I need to do this this and this to get to there, but sometimes, we all need help, there is no shame in that at all, brave people ask for help as well.
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
Hi Mashabo, you know sometimes it takes our emotions time to catch up with our brains. You know logically how terrible he has been but feeling anger etc might not come until later (if ever).
It's acceptance that he is who he is now. Did he never love you? Do you really know that? Even if he says that, he may have forgotten those feelings, he's not exactly stable.
If you are feeling that your sadness is more than sadness, perhaps depression, if you are dragging yourself through the day, if you are wondering if you can even cope with these feelings sometimes, it may be time to reach out for other help. You may want to visit a doctor to see if you might have situational depression/anxiety. Usually this might involve a brief set of questions you would need to answer, don't put on a brave face, tell them how you are really feeling. There is help out there, you have us and you may need a little bit of help from professionals as well.
I say this because we think oh well, we will get over this eventually and I need to focus on myself and I need to do this this and this to get to there, but sometimes, we all need help, there is no shame in that at all, brave people ask for help as well.
It's acceptance that he is who he is now. Did he never love you? Do you really know that? Even if he says that, he may have forgotten those feelings, he's not exactly stable.
If you are feeling that your sadness is more than sadness, perhaps depression, if you are dragging yourself through the day, if you are wondering if you can even cope with these feelings sometimes, it may be time to reach out for other help. You may want to visit a doctor to see if you might have situational depression/anxiety. Usually this might involve a brief set of questions you would need to answer, don't put on a brave face, tell them how you are really feeling. There is help out there, you have us and you may need a little bit of help from professionals as well.
I say this because we think oh well, we will get over this eventually and I need to focus on myself and I need to do this this and this to get to there, but sometimes, we all need help, there is no shame in that at all, brave people ask for help as well.
No, he never said that, but saying he loves me but needs to be alone and then do what he did and then reacting the way he did - surely didn’t feel like love to me. Besides while reading his diaries there was one part where he had to write “problems in love” and i saw how he wrote about his ex gf from like 9 years ago smth like “lost the love of my life for treating her bad and being immature.” Why the f would you think of her and say “love of my life”. That’s why I’m thinking he didn’t love me. Because that’s just stupid.
I don’t think I have depression, it’s just ocasional sadness that appears from time to time. Also because I’m mostly alone, so that doesn’t help either, and now there is quarantine again. But I do work with a therapist. Will check in with her about my state for sure!
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Originally Posted by woodlandlost
hi Mash,
Totally normal to feel the way you are. After the heartbreak and all the stuff that went on, I totally held on to this idealized version of my ex too. Take a deep breath, it is normal. I think that spouses live under illusions of their addicted partners...I know I sure did. The illusions like: (1) things will get better, (2) this isn't as bad as it seems, (3) they would never do that, (4) they are so amazing, (5) I can't live without them....
I learned from someone that addiction can't exist without illiusion. Sounds like you are feeling the pain, grief, sorrow. I know it all to well. I wish I could say something to take the pain away. Keep posting.
Totally normal to feel the way you are. After the heartbreak and all the stuff that went on, I totally held on to this idealized version of my ex too. Take a deep breath, it is normal. I think that spouses live under illusions of their addicted partners...I know I sure did. The illusions like: (1) things will get better, (2) this isn't as bad as it seems, (3) they would never do that, (4) they are so amazing, (5) I can't live without them....
I learned from someone that addiction can't exist without illiusion. Sounds like you are feeling the pain, grief, sorrow. I know it all to well. I wish I could say something to take the pain away. Keep posting.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
Originally Posted by Mashabo
Why the f would you think of her and say “love of my life”. That’s why I’m thinking he didn’t love me. Because that’s just stupid.
He's all over the place, who goes off to rehab and gets involved with his therapist and she quits working there and they end up with each other?? That's so unrealistic, as in, they both have issues.
So maybe his thinking was somewhat normal before but it wasn't when he wrote that and probably isn't right now. The workings of his mind you will never figure out, you just got a peek from his writings and does it truly make any sense?
When you think about it, don't try too hard to apply your own feelings and ideas and beliefs to what he has done and what he has said, because it's him with those ideas and is he really thinking straight?
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi Mashabo,
I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I know it's hard to keep you mind from thinking about it when their is no one else around and your stuck in basic isolation do to covid. You can always come here and be with people who care about your wellbeing.
He did love you in his own way. His mind is not the same do to his addiction. It doesn't think the same ways as a non addict. all it knows it that it wants to feed that addiction. You are correct that you will have to heal without and apology. It Sucks. That they much rather lie, deny, and try and put the blame on us. then just ask for forgiveness. A lot of us here are waiting for that apology that we know will never come.
That image of him that you have is going to be powerful. You loved this person with your whole heart and soul. You were there for him and supported him in his recovery. It take a strong person to go through all of that. Then to do what he did to you was Cruel. Just know that it will better. You were deceived by his word, which addicts are good at. I think they could sell ice to eskimo's. But you are a strong woman and will get through this.
I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I know it's hard to keep you mind from thinking about it when their is no one else around and your stuck in basic isolation do to covid. You can always come here and be with people who care about your wellbeing.
I definitely have this stupid desire of him to regret everything he has done and see it and come begging for forgiveness. But I can’t focus on that, or wait for that. That person owes me an apology at least, but I need to heal without it - I know!
That image of him that you have is going to be powerful. You loved this person with your whole heart and soul. You were there for him and supported him in his recovery. It take a strong person to go through all of that. Then to do what he did to you was Cruel. Just know that it will better. You were deceived by his word, which addicts are good at. I think they could sell ice to eskimo's. But you are a strong woman and will get through this.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Hi again Mash,
I have re-read your thread a few times and I have so much sympathy for what you are going thru. The betrayl and the discovery of his inner thoughts is a dagger right in the back. I discovered similar written musings from my EX, about her long term affair partner and how she loved him so and how supported she felt with him. Reading that was chilling and numbing. There isn't anything that can be said or done in this moment to take that sting away. Now let me say one thing, speaking from experience, I delayed my healing; I kept going back, I kept touching the stove because of the illusion of this larger than life, love connection. It was all BS. I didn't take the steps towards acceptance because I was so scared to accept the loss and the pain that comes with it. I was desperate and I kept getting hurt. I am not telling you what to do nor am I insinuating that you are going back to him, I am just saying that my relationship ended with an erilly similar set of circumstances and looking back I see where I allowed myself to suffer. As I move in the direction of acceptance I share with you a link to an SR member that wrote a cool checklist for parting from an EX. Maybe this and his posts will provide you with support and guidance:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...up-addict.html (ZoSo's Laws For Surviving a Breakup With an Addict)
I have re-read your thread a few times and I have so much sympathy for what you are going thru. The betrayl and the discovery of his inner thoughts is a dagger right in the back. I discovered similar written musings from my EX, about her long term affair partner and how she loved him so and how supported she felt with him. Reading that was chilling and numbing. There isn't anything that can be said or done in this moment to take that sting away. Now let me say one thing, speaking from experience, I delayed my healing; I kept going back, I kept touching the stove because of the illusion of this larger than life, love connection. It was all BS. I didn't take the steps towards acceptance because I was so scared to accept the loss and the pain that comes with it. I was desperate and I kept getting hurt. I am not telling you what to do nor am I insinuating that you are going back to him, I am just saying that my relationship ended with an erilly similar set of circumstances and looking back I see where I allowed myself to suffer. As I move in the direction of acceptance I share with you a link to an SR member that wrote a cool checklist for parting from an EX. Maybe this and his posts will provide you with support and guidance:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...up-addict.html (ZoSo's Laws For Surviving a Breakup With an Addict)
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Originally Posted by trailmix
He's all over the place, who goes off to rehab and gets involved with his therapist and she quits working there and they end up with each other?? That's so unrealistic, as in, they both have issues.
Originally Posted by trailmix
So maybe his thinking was somewhat normal before but it wasn't when he wrote that and probably isn't right now. The workings of his mind you will never figure out, you just got a peek from his writings and does it truly make any sense?
When you think about it, don't try too hard to apply your own feelings and ideas and beliefs to what he has done and what he has said, because it's him with those ideas and is he really thinking straight?
When you think about it, don't try too hard to apply your own feelings and ideas and beliefs to what he has done and what he has said, because it's him with those ideas and is he really thinking straight?
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Originally Posted by ironwill
Hi Mashabo,
I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I know it's hard to keep you mind from thinking about it when their is no one else around and your stuck in basic isolation do to covid. You can always come here and be with people who care about your wellbeing.
I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I know it's hard to keep you mind from thinking about it when their is no one else around and your stuck in basic isolation do to covid. You can always come here and be with people who care about your wellbeing.
Originally Posted by ironwill
He did love you in his own way. His mind is not the same do to his addiction. It doesn't think the same ways as a non addict. all it knows it that it wants to feed that addiction.
Originally Posted by ironwill
That image of him that you have is going to be powerful. You loved this person with your whole heart and soul. You were there for him and supported him in his recovery. It take a strong person to go through all of that. Then to do what he did to you was Cruel. Just know that it will better. You were deceived by his word, which addicts are good at. I think they could sell ice to eskimo's. But you are a strong woman and will get through this.
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Originally Posted by Mashabo
he was looking for the perfect person for him as he said, and that before starting things with me he first had to check if I was good enough. He spend several months just analyzing me. And then he realized I am the one, the perfect woman for him.
When I hear people say he or she has found the "perfect' partner, I wonder if they're operating at an adult level. No one's perfect. And when you think someone could be, then any crack in the surface is an excuse to leave. The perfect person is out there, you just have to dump your current person to find her!
By the way, I'm sure he did love you, as limited as his ability was.
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Originally Posted by woodlandlost
Hi again Mash,
I have re-read your thread a few times and I have so much sympathy for what you are going thru. The betrayl and the discovery of his inner thoughts is a dagger right in the back. I discovered similar written musings from my EX, about her long term affair partner and how she loved him so and how supported she felt with him. Reading that was chilling and numbing. There isn't anything that can be said or done in this moment to take that sting away. Now let me say one thing, speaking from experience, I delayed my healing; I kept going back, I kept touching the stove because of the illusion of this larger than life, love connection. It was all BS. I didn't take the steps towards acceptance because I was so scared to accept the loss and the pain that comes with it. I was desperate and I kept getting hurt. I am not telling you what to do nor am I insinuating that you are going back to him, I am just saying that my relationship ended with an erilly similar set of circumstances and looking back I see where I allowed myself to suffer. As I move in the direction of acceptance I share with you a link to an SR member that wrote a cool checklist for parting from an EX. Maybe this and his posts will provide you with support and guidance:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...up-addict.html (ZoSo's Laws For Surviving a Breakup With an Addict)
I have re-read your thread a few times and I have so much sympathy for what you are going thru. The betrayl and the discovery of his inner thoughts is a dagger right in the back. I discovered similar written musings from my EX, about her long term affair partner and how she loved him so and how supported she felt with him. Reading that was chilling and numbing. There isn't anything that can be said or done in this moment to take that sting away. Now let me say one thing, speaking from experience, I delayed my healing; I kept going back, I kept touching the stove because of the illusion of this larger than life, love connection. It was all BS. I didn't take the steps towards acceptance because I was so scared to accept the loss and the pain that comes with it. I was desperate and I kept getting hurt. I am not telling you what to do nor am I insinuating that you are going back to him, I am just saying that my relationship ended with an erilly similar set of circumstances and looking back I see where I allowed myself to suffer. As I move in the direction of acceptance I share with you a link to an SR member that wrote a cool checklist for parting from an EX. Maybe this and his posts will provide you with support and guidance:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...up-addict.html (ZoSo's Laws For Surviving a Breakup With an Addict)
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Originally Posted by velma929
Bolding mine. That doesn't sound like a compliment, that's a freaking red flag. Analyzing you? What hubris.
When I hear people say he or she has found the "perfect' partner, I wonder if they're operating at an adult level. No one's perfect. And when you think someone could be, then any crack in the surface is an excuse to leave. The perfect person is out there, you just have to dump your current person to find her!
When I hear people say he or she has found the "perfect' partner, I wonder if they're operating at an adult level. No one's perfect. And when you think someone could be, then any crack in the surface is an excuse to leave. The perfect person is out there, you just have to dump your current person to find her!
And now it makes sense why he writes in his diaries “I idealized her”. He thought I was SO perfect, that I would just be next to him always and not tell his parents after all how he is killing himself. Of course I am not perfect and never was. I am a human being. And it hurts he did what he did.
Originally Posted by velma929
By the way, I'm sure he did love you, as limited as his ability was.
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He loved his ex until he realized she wasn't perfect, and once he had some distance, thought she was perfect again! Then he thought you were 'perfect.' Do you see how childish this is? That doesn't mean he never felt anything. It does mean he has a childish view of how life and relationships work.
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Originally Posted by velma929
He loved his ex until he realized she wasn't perfect, and once he had some distance, thought she was perfect again! Then he thought you were 'perfect.' Do you see how childish this is? That doesn't mean he never felt anything. It does mean he has a childish view of how life and relationships work.
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This discussion reminds me of a conversation that I was having with my son, just yesterday. He happened to have said to me----"I wonder what it is that "bad guys" do to cause women to be so attracted to them? I answered him this way-----"It is not that they are so "great"----they just instinctively know ONE THING---and, that ONE thing works like a charm. They approach vulnerable women and thell the woman what the women want to hear. They know what women want to hear!
They tell her things like this:
"I have never felt like this about any other woman"
"I have never been able to open up to anyone else like I can with you"
"You have make me believe in myself, again"
"You Get me" My exes never understood me like you do"
"You turn me on more that any other woman has ever done"
"You are sooo beautiful/sweet/kind/understanding/fun/spontaneous/creative/intelligent/ etc/, etc., etc.
"We are soul mates---meant to be"
I will always love you and I will never, ever leave you" I am yours forever"
"I want to take care of you"
I want to take care of your children like they are my own"
"My family is going to Love you"
"My kids are going to Love you"
"My dog and my cat ate going to Love you"
"I NEED you---I don't know what I would do with out you" "You make me want to be a better man"
"Your cooking is so much better than my mother's and my ex wife"
These wards are Powerful---Powerful.....they are like nectar to the woman who is vulnerable (for whatever reason). They can be as addicting as the first hit of heroine.
In other news...lol...I think ther is another factor that is often overlooked...which can explain a lot about how a person can apparently change their "love feelings" in a matter of months----and,it is this:
Early attractioln is as close as person can get to being high without drugs. Due to the cascade of hormones that flood the system, immediately. They are powerful neurotransmitters The whole world is seen through rosy colored glasses and we can see out lover as some devine being on a pedestal. Things that seem cute in the beginning can become annoying or, even, disgusting. several months l ater----when the hormones die down.
This does happen in every romantic relationship. sooner or later. However, a healthy and ;mature relatiionship is more reality based...as the shiny/new is replaced by solid bonding, based on behaviors and experiences with the other person.
They tell her things like this:
"I have never felt like this about any other woman"
"I have never been able to open up to anyone else like I can with you"
"You have make me believe in myself, again"
"You Get me" My exes never understood me like you do"
"You turn me on more that any other woman has ever done"
"You are sooo beautiful/sweet/kind/understanding/fun/spontaneous/creative/intelligent/ etc/, etc., etc.
"We are soul mates---meant to be"
I will always love you and I will never, ever leave you" I am yours forever"
"I want to take care of you"
I want to take care of your children like they are my own"
"My family is going to Love you"
"My kids are going to Love you"
"My dog and my cat ate going to Love you"
"I NEED you---I don't know what I would do with out you" "You make me want to be a better man"
"Your cooking is so much better than my mother's and my ex wife"
These wards are Powerful---Powerful.....they are like nectar to the woman who is vulnerable (for whatever reason). They can be as addicting as the first hit of heroine.
In other news...lol...I think ther is another factor that is often overlooked...which can explain a lot about how a person can apparently change their "love feelings" in a matter of months----and,it is this:
Early attractioln is as close as person can get to being high without drugs. Due to the cascade of hormones that flood the system, immediately. They are powerful neurotransmitters The whole world is seen through rosy colored glasses and we can see out lover as some devine being on a pedestal. Things that seem cute in the beginning can become annoying or, even, disgusting. several months l ater----when the hormones die down.
This does happen in every romantic relationship. sooner or later. However, a healthy and ;mature relatiionship is more reality based...as the shiny/new is replaced by solid bonding, based on behaviors and experiences with the other person.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 162
Originally Posted by dandylion
This discussion reminds me of a conversation that I was having with my son, just yesterday. He happened to have said to me----"I wonder what it is that "bad guys" do to cause women to be so attracted to them? I answered him this way-----"It is not that they are so "great"----they just instinctively know ONE THING---and, that ONE thing works like a charm. They approach vulnerable women and thell the woman what the women want to hear. They know what women want to hear!
They tell her things like this:
"I have never felt like this about any other woman"
"I have never been able to open up to anyone else like I can with you"
"You have make me believe in myself, again"
"You Get me" My exes never understood me like you do"
"You turn me on more that any other woman has ever done"
"You are sooo beautiful/sweet/kind/understanding/fun/spontaneous/creative/intelligent/ etc/, etc., etc.
"We are soul mates---meant to be"
I will always love you and I will never, ever leave you" I am yours forever"
"I want to take care of you"
I want to take care of your children like they are my own"
"My family is going to Love you"
"My kids are going to Love you"
"My dog and my cat ate going to Love you"
"I NEED you---I don't know what I would do with out you" "You make me want to be a better man"
"Your cooking is so much better than my mother's and my ex wife"
These wards are Powerful---Powerful.....they are like nectar to the woman who is vulnerable (for whatever reason). They can be as addicting as the first hit of heroine.
In other news...lol...I think ther is another factor that is often overlooked...which can explain a lot about how a person can apparently change their "love feelings" in a matter of months----and,it is this:
Early attractioln is as close as person can get to being high without drugs. Due to the cascade of hormones that flood the system, immediately. They are powerful neurotransmitters The whole world is seen through rosy colored glasses and we can see out lover as some devine being on a pedestal. Things that seem cute in the beginning can become annoying or, even, disgusting. several months l ater----when the hormones die down.
This does happen in every romantic relationship. sooner or later. However, a healthy and ;mature relatiionship is more reality based...as the shiny/new is replaced by solid bonding, based on behaviors and experiences with the other person.
They tell her things like this:
"I have never felt like this about any other woman"
"I have never been able to open up to anyone else like I can with you"
"You have make me believe in myself, again"
"You Get me" My exes never understood me like you do"
"You turn me on more that any other woman has ever done"
"You are sooo beautiful/sweet/kind/understanding/fun/spontaneous/creative/intelligent/ etc/, etc., etc.
"We are soul mates---meant to be"
I will always love you and I will never, ever leave you" I am yours forever"
"I want to take care of you"
I want to take care of your children like they are my own"
"My family is going to Love you"
"My kids are going to Love you"
"My dog and my cat ate going to Love you"
"I NEED you---I don't know what I would do with out you" "You make me want to be a better man"
"Your cooking is so much better than my mother's and my ex wife"
These wards are Powerful---Powerful.....they are like nectar to the woman who is vulnerable (for whatever reason). They can be as addicting as the first hit of heroine.
In other news...lol...I think ther is another factor that is often overlooked...which can explain a lot about how a person can apparently change their "love feelings" in a matter of months----and,it is this:
Early attractioln is as close as person can get to being high without drugs. Due to the cascade of hormones that flood the system, immediately. They are powerful neurotransmitters The whole world is seen through rosy colored glasses and we can see out lover as some devine being on a pedestal. Things that seem cute in the beginning can become annoying or, even, disgusting. several months l ater----when the hormones die down.
This does happen in every romantic relationship. sooner or later. However, a healthy and ;mature relatiionship is more reality based...as the shiny/new is replaced by solid bonding, based on behaviors and experiences with the other person.
I think we actually finished our “pink glasses in love” period quite some time. I thought we had pure love and the only thing that was wrong - his consuming. So I thought he only needs to stop and we can be totally happy. Couldn’t be more wrong though.
Besides, from the beginning of him entering the rehab I went to another country for work, and I thought that was perfect for his recovery to have me far so there is no distraction. We haven’t seen each other for around 6 months, we had our distance, and I thought that was good. Besides he was all along telling me how much he loves me and how important I am in his life. For our anniversary, which was in June, he wrote me a nice message. Told me “it’s so great we haven’t had our 3 year crisis cuz we love each other so much.”
And as soon as I came in July he started acting like a jerk and in August came to tell me about the divorce. So that’s what made me thinking. Cuz I don’t think it is possible to stop loving someone in like 2 months if you really did love them. But then if he didn’t why say that? Why write all those messages? Don’t mind these questions, I don’t expect any answers - I know there isn’t one. He is not well. In fact we see how f** up he is from what he is doing now with his psychologist.
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Here’s the thing: words don’t mean anything if they’re not backed up by reality. Addicts are often brilliant with words because it’s a survival mechanism...”But I love you” can get them out of a whole bunch of jams. And I think because women in particular are so programmed by romcoms and Disney and romantic novels we’re even more susceptible to having words mean everything...far more than actions.
I don’t even believe it’s always a conscious decision on the addict’s part. He was keeping you as a backup plan and telling you words accomplished that. He’s probably telling her the same thing. It’s entirely possible that he’s found a third woman by now who he’s charming.
Addicts always need a Plan B and most are looking for something on the outside that will magically fix their insides. So every new relationship might be that magic solution...but then that person turns out to be...human. The horror!
I see women (and men) spend endless obsessive hours trying to parse their qualifier’s words like they’re the clue that would make everything make sense...it’s like the Rosetta Stone of codependency. Hey, I’ve been there. The fact is that none of the words make any difference and all analyzing them over and over does is keep us stuck, because it doesn’t make sense, it never did, and it never will.
Please try to redirect your thoughts when you go down that path? You only have so much time on this planet. Try not to waste it parsing his blather. (And for the record, if he’s been clean all this time, I’m a rhinoceros.)
Focus on YOU, yes?
I don’t even believe it’s always a conscious decision on the addict’s part. He was keeping you as a backup plan and telling you words accomplished that. He’s probably telling her the same thing. It’s entirely possible that he’s found a third woman by now who he’s charming.
Addicts always need a Plan B and most are looking for something on the outside that will magically fix their insides. So every new relationship might be that magic solution...but then that person turns out to be...human. The horror!
I see women (and men) spend endless obsessive hours trying to parse their qualifier’s words like they’re the clue that would make everything make sense...it’s like the Rosetta Stone of codependency. Hey, I’ve been there. The fact is that none of the words make any difference and all analyzing them over and over does is keep us stuck, because it doesn’t make sense, it never did, and it never will.
Please try to redirect your thoughts when you go down that path? You only have so much time on this planet. Try not to waste it parsing his blather. (And for the record, if he’s been clean all this time, I’m a rhinoceros.)
Focus on YOU, yes?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
This thread is a gem.
Yes, I don't believe he's sober either. Also, when you do ponder what he does and says and how happy he must be with this woman, never forget, she has "that" guy. The guy who is mean and miserable and says and does terrible things. That's him, she doesn't have some improved version of him. He might be able to charm her for a little while, but that will quickly wear off.
It's really destructive to you to idealize how he is now. Clean and sober! Living with a new woman! Kind and sweet and loving! Yeah, that's not the story here.
Yes, I don't believe he's sober either. Also, when you do ponder what he does and says and how happy he must be with this woman, never forget, she has "that" guy. The guy who is mean and miserable and says and does terrible things. That's him, she doesn't have some improved version of him. He might be able to charm her for a little while, but that will quickly wear off.
It's really destructive to you to idealize how he is now. Clean and sober! Living with a new woman! Kind and sweet and loving! Yeah, that's not the story here.
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