Struggling with all this
Everything that happened has been definitely too much to take in. And today I feel especially bad (sad, anxious) didn’t do anything but being in my phone the whole day to distract myself. My mind is racing like crazy. And I noticed that the “perfect” image of him, that he made me believe in the beginning of our relationship, now it is so deeply rooted in my head that even after everything I now know it is hard for me to believe it. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s like I believe it, but also don’t.
Its hard to even assume that that person never loved me in this 5 years of relationship. That he brought me to his country, got married with me, said I was the love of his life and never really loved me. Hard to believe someone can be so selfish and cruel even being clean from drugs (at this point of time). Hard to believe someone could just throw you like garbage and change you for someone else instantly. And treat you so bad as if you did something wrong.
I am so scared that this image of him, that is unreal, is so intense that I’d be looking for it in other people and won’t find, because it’s not real. That person never existed. And I definitely hold that resentment towards him for that. Because he created that image, with all his words of how loyal and honest he was and how he was looking for the same. I hold resentment because he was looking for the perfect person for him as he said, and that before starting things with me he first had to check if I was good enough. He spend several months just analyzing me. And then he realized I am the one, the perfect woman for him. SO CRUEL. Cruel to find someone perfect for you and not being willing to give anything to that person but only take...
I definitely have this stupid desire of him to regret everything he has done and see it and come begging for forgiveness. But I can’t focus on that, or wait for that. That person owes me an apology at least, but I need to heal without it - I know!
It hurts so much that it’s unexplainable. But I’m sure most of you can understand it. I do try to focus on myself and move forward but it is not always easy.