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ZoSo's Laws For Surviving a Breakup With an Addict

Old 08-28-2012, 08:30 PM
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ZoSo's Laws For Surviving a Breakup With an Addict

It's been a long time since I've done an original post. Mostly because there's really been nothing to talk about...until tonight.

Tonight, I started graduate school again. I'm currently two courses shy of my MS in Electrical and Computer Engineering. When I was dealing with my AXGF, I was so sick myself that doing that level of work was impossible. In fact, my career took a hit as well. Now that my career's back on track and I've restarted graduate school, I figured a post like this would help Newbies who've been knocked sideways by the actions of their addict boyfriend or girlfriend.

Call it: ZoSo's Laws for Surviving a Breakup With an Addict

1) Decide that you're going to be OK. Let's say hypothetically the addict drops the bomb on you. You're pissed, you're hurt. After everything you've done for them, they pull this. Don't be surprised. He or she is sick. So it can go one of two ways: you can roll over and die, or decide that you're going to get through it. In my case, I woke up two days after the bomb was dropped on me, decided my AXGF did me a favor, and said aloud to myself, I'm gonna be OK. And once you decide that, it's No Contact from that point forward.

2) Accept You're Going to Have Your Down Moments. It's inevitable. You've been betrayed and hurt. This is something you have to face, and this is something you have to accept. The good news is it's not forever. You have to keep pressing forward, tell yourself this is where you are now, admit it sucks, and keep going.

3) Reconnect With Friends. This is important. Very important. Your friends may be pissed at you because you allowed yourself to stay in an unhealthy, compromised situation. Accept their feelings and what they tell you, and acknowledge it to the best of your ability. Enjoy their company. If you're comfortable doing so, share with them what their friendship means to you. However you do that is up to you.

4) Reengage With Your Bliss. What gave you joy before the addict was in your life? For me, it was music and the guitar. My bliss includes my band. There's five of us, and when I'm with them, I'm not an engineer or a student or a codependent. I'm one of the boys and I act like I'm 15. I laugh. I make sick jokes. I torture someone. It's all good...and believe or not, it changes your brain chemistry for the better. Find what you love, do it, and thank God you've got that in your life.

5) Attend Al Anon/Nar Anon Meetings. When you're down in the dumps, it's important you go to meetings. You have to go with an open mind and open ears. There is a high probability that one or more people will share an idea that can turn your day around. These meetings aren't about the addict that left you. They are for you and how you respond when the bomb is dropped on you. Allow others to comfort you in this setting. And offer your support if someone needs it.

6) Recommit to Your Career. When the bomb is dropped on you, you don't want to be at work. You can't concentrate, you're sad, you're angry, and the last thing you want to do is a, b and c. Guess what? Use work as a distraction. Engage with your colleagues. Engage with your boss. Set manageable goals for yourself every day and meet them. Give yourself credit when you do.

7) Pray. Every. Night. If you're in Al Anon, this isn't that foreign. If you're not, read carefully: part of getting well is accepting you have no control over the addict and their behavior. And in that moment of surrender, you turn to a Higher Power to restore yourself to sanity. You can't handle the addict anymore. The pain they've left in their wake is overbearing. Give it to God and let Him shoulder it for you. Thank Him for the gifts and the people you do have in your life. Pray for the addict if you want, too. But do this every day. It helps. Believe me, it helps.

If you do these steps, little by little, hour by hour, day by day, you will reclaim your life. It may take weeks. It may take months. But what you will notice is a good day here and there turns into two good days. Two turns into three. Three turns into four. And the pain, while it's still present, isn't as sharp. You know it's there, you accept it's there, and you sit with it.

One year ago, I was essentially not functioning. I allowed myself, my career, and my education to be hijacked by a person that, in hindsight, only cared about her needs, her wants. She didn't care what I thought, what I needed, what I wanted. Suicide threats, cognitive distortions, lying through her teeth...

...then leaving me for another addict, via text message, while confessing with glee she f**ked two other guys.

Yeah, that hurt.

And guess what? Almost 8 months later, I've got my life back. I've got all of it back. I'm stronger, I'm wiser, I'm more honest with myself...and I recognize my part of what was truly a sick, dysfunctional relationship. It's lessons learned. She gave me a gift.

God Bless.

ZoSo
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Old 08-28-2012, 08:45 PM
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Great post!!! Congratulations on reclaiming yourself! Good luck with school!!

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Old 08-28-2012, 08:45 PM
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thank you for taking the time to write this out. i am going to print it out. i am so glad i found this site!!
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Old 08-28-2012, 09:09 PM
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Me too!
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Old 08-28-2012, 09:24 PM
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Thank you Zoso, though my A is my son, I am taking all of your amazing experience strenth and support for myself.
Hugs
TT
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Old 08-28-2012, 09:42 PM
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Yes and yes!! What an uplifting post, thank you so much Zoso!!

I look back at the shambles I used to call "my life" and I remember how hard it was to think of the future, of dreams that could come true and of finding my "bliss" again. It doesn't have to stay like that, we CAN change ourselves and no longer be doomed to a life of darkness.

Amen and Amen, to all you said above.

Hugs
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Old 08-28-2012, 09:57 PM
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Excellent Post!!! Well done.....isn't life great when you show up for it!
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Old 08-29-2012, 12:07 AM
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Wonderful post,zoso.....thank you.

MSEE/CE is some heavy lifting!Anyone capable of that level
of work will not be sidelined for long.

Zoso's laws go on my personal wall of stickies!
More (I squared R) to you!
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Old 08-29-2012, 01:03 AM
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THANK YOU for this post!!!!

Did you write it just for me? Seriously! I so needed to read this right now!!!
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Old 08-29-2012, 08:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Faithlove View Post
THANK YOU for this post!!!!

Did you write it just for me? Seriously! I so needed to read this right now!!!
Actually, yes, I did.

There's been a lot of newbies that have addict boyfriends, girlfriends, and spouses who have been hurt badly by the addict's actions. And reading their posts is kinda like going backwards in time for me.

My hope is if someone reads my post, they say to themselves, "well, if HE got through it, then I can."

The most important takeaway should be you have a choice in all of this. You can choose to stay engaged with a sick person, or you can decide that enough is enough, make a clean break, ride out the ensuing emotional rollercoaster, and, little by little, reclaim YOUR life.

I'm grateful my post resonated with so many people.

ZoSo
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Old 08-29-2012, 08:22 AM
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Zoso
Perfect. Eloquently stated. I love it. Thank you for sharing your ESH. I'm so glad you are here....it's been a pleasure watching you move from the angry, hurt man you were to the beautiful person you are today.

This was one of the best posts I've read on SR in a while. I'd call it "sticky worthy".

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 08-29-2012, 09:09 AM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
Actually, yes, I did.

There's been a lot of newbies that have addict boyfriends, girlfriends, and spouses who have been hurt badly by the addict's actions. And reading their posts is kinda like going backwards in time for me.

My hope is if someone reads my post, they say to themselves, "well, if HE got through it, then I can."

The most important takeaway should be you have a choice in all of this. You can choose to stay engaged with a sick person, or you can decide that enough is enough, make a clean break, ride out the ensuing emotional rollercoaster, and, little by little, reclaim YOUR life.

I'm grateful my post resonated with so many people.

ZoSo
Brilliant thank you!!!!!!You have just re-confirmed my 'inner voice' - that niggling voice that tells you to 'pick up the phone'! Thank you!!!! I am NOT picking up the phone! No contact!I deserve so much better!
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Old 08-29-2012, 09:54 AM
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Needed that right now like you would not believe. I struggle every minute (so sad) of every day right now wanting what I can't have. I am here everyday learning. It's turning out to be the ticket to finally kicking him to the curb for good. Had a run in with AB last night and once again saw the very devil in front of me. Who needs that?? Not me! Thanks again.
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Old 08-29-2012, 09:55 AM
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I needed this so bad! TY!
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Old 08-29-2012, 10:03 AM
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Zoso - we are blessed to have you as a part of this community. Thank you for hanging around!
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Old 08-29-2012, 10:28 AM
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Thank you for taking your time and writing this for us I know it is all true and hope I get to where you are I know I will one day at a time.

I agree with KE, sticky worthy
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Old 08-29-2012, 11:20 AM
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..To say this is the best I've read on SR would only cause embarassment
to an engineer..

(but that doesn't mean I can't THINK it!)
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Old 08-29-2012, 11:24 AM
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Very similar to my experience except I was trying to survive a breakup with a codependent.
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Old 09-19-2013, 04:49 AM
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I'm working on getting me back!!!!! Thank you Zoso
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Old 07-18-2014, 08:30 AM
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Wow, I'm so glad I came across this. My AXGF just broke up with me a few days ago. It hurt, and still feels really raw. However, I can see that it was headed that way for a while. She was so expert at hiding her addiction and manipulating me into being the "fixer". I can say I tried SO hard to make it work. Yet, now looking back I can see so many signs.

The level of cruelty from her, especially since the break up makes it all even harder. I'm so grateful I saw this thread now. It's been such a big help.
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