Originally Posted by Ariesagain

Here’s the thing: words don’t mean anything if they’re not backed up by reality. Addicts are often brilliant with words because it’s a survival mechanism...”But I love you” can get them out of a whole bunch of jams. And I think because women in particular are so programmed by romcoms and Disney and romantic novels we’re even more susceptible to having words mean everything...far more than actions.

I don’t even believe it’s always a conscious decision on the addict’s part. He was keeping you as a backup plan and telling you words accomplished that. He’s probably telling her the same thing. It’s entirely possible that he’s found a third woman by now who he’s charming.

Addicts always need a Plan B and most are looking for something on the outside that will magically fix their insides. So every new relationship might be that magic solution...but then that person turns out to be...human. The horror!

I see women (and men) spend endless obsessive hours trying to parse their qualifier’s words like they’re the clue that would make everything make sense...it’s like the Rosetta Stone of codependency. Hey, I’ve been there. The fact is that none of the words make any difference and all analyzing them over and over does is keep us stuck, because it doesn’t make sense, it never did, and it never will.

Please try to redirect your thoughts when you go down that path? You only have so much time on this planet. Try not to waste it parsing his blather. (And for the record, if he’s been clean all this time, I’m a rhinoceros.)

Focus on YOU, yes?

Originally Posted by trailmix

This thread is a gem.

Yes, I don't believe he's sober either. Also, when you do ponder what he does and says and how happy he must be with this woman, never forget, she has "that" guy. The guy who is mean and miserable and says and does terrible things. That's him, she doesn't have some improved version of him. He might be able to charm her for a little while, but that will quickly wear off.

It's really destructive to you to idealize how he is now. Clean and sober! Living with a new woman! Kind and sweet and loving! Yeah, that's not the story here.

Originally Posted by ironwill

WOW! we have a rhinoceros, an astronaut, and i suspect trail is a diamond studded movie star. LOL. Why we may never know if he has been clean or not. Addicts are good at hiding it as we know. But the odds are not in his favor. The way he is acting is not someone who is in recovery.

Just remember to look after yourself. Focus on things that bring you happiness and keep posting and being strong.

Originally Posted by dandylion

Mashabo......It is possible that he is doing some kind of 12th step work---around the rehab. That doesn't gurantee that he would be sober and clean all of the time. The point is, that you have no guarantee of anything that he tells you. Does his "psychologist" have a PhD.? If so, from what University? (see what I mean). Titles at a rehab are often thrown around, casually

Originally Posted by Ariesagain

There are serious rehab facilities and there are revolving door rehabs that count on return customers for revenue. Dunno...but if I were a dealer I would certainly set up shop near a sketchy rehab. Given this facility’s screening standards for their staff, I’m thinking this is one toward the sketchy end of the spectrum. So I’m back toward rhinocerosness, myself.

Originally Posted by velma929

Don't forget either- people who divorce don't necessarily do it because they don't love one another. I loved my husband very much - but I didn't want to live with an alcoholic any more. Came close to divorce twice. I chickened out the first time, and the second time he told me he was terminally ill.

You husband married you? It worked for a while? Just because he loves alcohol more doesn't mean he didn't love you. And in a year, when his current situation crashes and burns, what do you bet there's a journal with him waxing poetic about how much he regrets letting you go? It's all about the dream, not reality.