This is not a logical way to feel, but it hurts a bit reading...
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This is not a logical way to feel, but it hurts a bit reading...
through a lot of relationship threads on these boards, and seeing the amount of alcoholics that beg their significant others to stay, continue to contact them even after they’ve broken up, etc. and my situation was so very different - where he just cut and ran after being together some time. I only texted him once after we broke up to say my goodbye (too shocked to do it at the time, since he gave no real warning), and he texted back and that’s it. Doesn’t seem to follow the usual pattern, and somehow makes me feel even more rejected! Like I said, I know this is a stupid way to look at it, and I’m sure our relationship would have deteriorated if he’d stuck around, but it makes me feel badly that he so easily ended things and didn’t want me in his life anymore in any capacity. This was someone who had communicated every day without fail for three years. Ugh.
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I’m so sorry for your hurt.
Try to remember maybe that there is no logic that applies here? He ran because you were a threat to his drinking. In a way, it’s more honest and less destructive than those who stay and mess with their partners’ heads by gaslighting them or blaming them for the addiction.
Try not to make comparisons, yes? There are no winners in addiction.
Sending you a hug....
Try to remember maybe that there is no logic that applies here? He ran because you were a threat to his drinking. In a way, it’s more honest and less destructive than those who stay and mess with their partners’ heads by gaslighting them or blaming them for the addiction.
Try not to make comparisons, yes? There are no winners in addiction.
Sending you a hug....
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Thank you Aries - that is a better way to look at it. I don’t think leaving me was really to spare me anything (if he cared about that, I suppose he would have shared with me much earlier what a problem he had instead of letting me figure it out on my own), but I do think he understood that I would never be able to stand by and watch him drink. Alcoholism really is so impossible - there are no winners really.
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I sought answers as well even-though I was the one that ended the marriage. Why was he an alcoholic, how could he have a great career but not a marriage, etc.....honestly, I am now so happy to be out of that situation and don't even care enough to question anything about it any longer. Having no contact is the best and time does help. You just need to go through all the emotions as it is new. It is hard was one of the hardest times for me but do know it does get easier.
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I don't think it's stupid, I totally get it actually. You feel rejected and reading stories where people didn't have that "cut and run" experience is confusing (at best).
Why didn't he fight for your relationship at all.
Also remember he had started to more than drink "socially" at that time, he was sneaking drinks. Getting well back in to his addiction.
They might stay on for years, hoping they can keep drinking and keep the status quo, or they might take off to defend their drinking. It's an even thing in my eyes. Different people, different approaches. One type of person might stay and take some aggravation about their drinking, another might not be able to cope with any threat to their long term plans of drinking, it's all how they are thinking at the time.
The one who stays might find that having a family helps to protect his drinking because people will look at him/her and say - he can't be an alcoholic, look at that nice family.
So it's a defense too.
For what it's worth I've read many many stories here at SR about addicts that take off, here and in the substance abuse forum.
You know this thread:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...k-about-3.html (Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.)
In reading the first few pages I counted 7-8 posters where the A had taken off.
It's pretty common actually.
It may be because there haven't been as many lately - but yeah, it's common. It's probably also that you are wondering why he hasn't contacted you so when you see threads where the AH is saying no don't go, it stings. Well, different personalities I think, different thought processes and different household set ups are some of the things I think of.
Above all, it's not you!
Why didn't he fight for your relationship at all.
Also remember he had started to more than drink "socially" at that time, he was sneaking drinks. Getting well back in to his addiction.
They might stay on for years, hoping they can keep drinking and keep the status quo, or they might take off to defend their drinking. It's an even thing in my eyes. Different people, different approaches. One type of person might stay and take some aggravation about their drinking, another might not be able to cope with any threat to their long term plans of drinking, it's all how they are thinking at the time.
The one who stays might find that having a family helps to protect his drinking because people will look at him/her and say - he can't be an alcoholic, look at that nice family.
So it's a defense too.
For what it's worth I've read many many stories here at SR about addicts that take off, here and in the substance abuse forum.
You know this thread:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...k-about-3.html (Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.)
In reading the first few pages I counted 7-8 posters where the A had taken off.
It's pretty common actually.
It may be because there haven't been as many lately - but yeah, it's common. It's probably also that you are wondering why he hasn't contacted you so when you see threads where the AH is saying no don't go, it stings. Well, different personalities I think, different thought processes and different household set ups are some of the things I think of.
Above all, it's not you!
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Originally Posted by Michsm 
I sought answers as well even-though I was the one that ended the marriage. Why was he an alcoholic, how could he have a great career but not a marriage, etc.....honestly, I am now so happy to be out of that situation and don't even care enough to question anything about it any longer. Having no contact is the best and time does help. You just need to go through all the emotions as it is new. It is hard was one of the hardest times for me but do know it does get easier.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I don't think it's stupid, I totally get it actually. You feel rejected and reading stories where people didn't have that "cut and run" experience is confusing (at best).
Why didn't he fight for your relationship at all.
Also remember he had started to more than drink "socially" at that time, he was sneaking drinks. Getting well back in to his addiction.
They might stay on for years, hoping they can keep drinking and keep the status quo, or they might take off to defend their drinking. It's an even thing in my eyes. Different people, different approaches. One type of person might stay and take some aggravation about their drinking, another might not be able to cope with any threat to their long term plans of drinking, it's all how they are thinking at the time.
The one who stays might find that having a family helps to protect his drinking because people will look at him/her and say - he can't be an alcoholic, look at that nice family.
So it's a defense too.
For what it's worth I've read many many stories here at SR about addicts that take off, here and in the substance abuse forum.
You know this thread:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...k-about-3.html (Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.)
In reading the first few pages I counted 7-8 posters where the A had taken off.
It's pretty common actually.
It may be because there haven't been as many lately - but yeah, it's common. It's probably also that you are wondering why he hasn't contacted you so when you see threads where the AH is saying no don't go, it stings. Well, different personalities I think, different thought processes and different household set ups are some of the things I think of.
Above all, it's not you!
Why didn't he fight for your relationship at all.
Also remember he had started to more than drink "socially" at that time, he was sneaking drinks. Getting well back in to his addiction.
They might stay on for years, hoping they can keep drinking and keep the status quo, or they might take off to defend their drinking. It's an even thing in my eyes. Different people, different approaches. One type of person might stay and take some aggravation about their drinking, another might not be able to cope with any threat to their long term plans of drinking, it's all how they are thinking at the time.
The one who stays might find that having a family helps to protect his drinking because people will look at him/her and say - he can't be an alcoholic, look at that nice family.
So it's a defense too.
For what it's worth I've read many many stories here at SR about addicts that take off, here and in the substance abuse forum.
You know this thread:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...k-about-3.html (Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.)
In reading the first few pages I counted 7-8 posters where the A had taken off.
It's pretty common actually.
It may be because there haven't been as many lately - but yeah, it's common. It's probably also that you are wondering why he hasn't contacted you so when you see threads where the AH is saying no don't go, it stings. Well, different personalities I think, different thought processes and different household set ups are some of the things I think of.
Above all, it's not you!
I do think he’s more the avoider type - he certainly never wanted to discuss any of it with me and never drank in front of me from the day I realized he had a problem. He’s extremely secretive about it to everyone (and good at that), so I don’t know why I thought I’d be different in the end. I am surprised by his total lack of communication, but again, he hasn’t spoken to his own brother in years, so why I think I’m an exception to his usual MO of cutting and running, I don’t know. It was easy to do since we had no kids and had not bought a house together yet (thankfully). Member
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They take off because of something going on in them and their head. Like everything else they do, it is dictated by the addiction running their mind. It is never personal to the person they do it to, although it very much feels like it to that person at the time.
It is all within the alcoholic why they do what they do and often even they don't know why they do what they do.
Sorry you have experienced this. In time you may well see it as a lucky escape from years of suffering that is being in a relationship with an alcoholic.
I write this as a person in a marriage with an alcoholic and as an alcoholic in recovery myself. We alcoholics are very bad news.
It is all within the alcoholic why they do what they do and often even they don't know why they do what they do.
Sorry you have experienced this. In time you may well see it as a lucky escape from years of suffering that is being in a relationship with an alcoholic.
I write this as a person in a marriage with an alcoholic and as an alcoholic in recovery myself. We alcoholics are very bad news.
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Thank you PeacefulWater. What you say rings true, as the weekend before he broke up with me, he seemed “off” and sullen (this was just the way he woke up, nothing seemed to cause it between the time we went to bed and waking up in such a funk). When I asked him what was wrong he just said he was “in his head” which is something that would happen every so often and I always found it was best not to try to pry him with questions at those times and he liked to be alone. I had no idea at the time he’d been pondering our break up 
It’s a difficult dynamic for sure. It’s especially hard for me because I wear my heart on my sleeve and when I’m upset my go-to is to talk about it with people.
It’s a difficult dynamic for sure. It’s especially hard for me because I wear my heart on my sleeve and when I’m upset my go-to is to talk about it with people. Member
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Honestly if they will do it to someone else they will do it to you. It's his m.o..
I went and re-read your original post and pulled these "highlights" out:
Then from today:
I'm sorry but this is classic addict behaviour. He approaches you as a "sober" recovering alcoholic (which may or may not have been true). Then there is a progression here of drinking and smoking weed (probably where he was before he attempted sobriety).
He may well have stopped drinking at the point he met you but as you now know alcoholism didn't stop when he did and he got right back in to it.
You don't know how much he was drinking, the fact that he moved out points to secrecy really. He couldn't drink freely with you right there. He had to move. I doubt it was weed only and not drinking and smoking as well.
When you read the points above, with your new understanding of alcoholism, does it seem clearer why he had to bolt?
Out of curiosity, why did he stop talking to his Brother?
I went and re-read your original post and pulled these "highlights" out:
- - Possibly sober for 6 years when you met - but he didn't tell you about his alcoholism until you questioned him
- - Originally in the relationship he was not drinking.
- - Then he started drinking "socially" more and more
- - He moved in with you, said the place was too small
- - You discovered he was drinking in secret - he was becoming angry
- - He went to 1 AA meeting and 1 therapy session
- - He started smoking weed, you were glad at least it wasn't alcohol
- - During the last month he started getting moodier
- - When he broke up he claimed you are a rigid thinker and he felt like he had to pretend to be “perfect” around you
Then from today:
- never wanted to discuss any of it with me and never drank in front of me from the day I realized he had a problem.
I'm sorry but this is classic addict behaviour. He approaches you as a "sober" recovering alcoholic (which may or may not have been true). Then there is a progression here of drinking and smoking weed (probably where he was before he attempted sobriety).
He may well have stopped drinking at the point he met you but as you now know alcoholism didn't stop when he did and he got right back in to it.
You don't know how much he was drinking, the fact that he moved out points to secrecy really. He couldn't drink freely with you right there. He had to move. I doubt it was weed only and not drinking and smoking as well.
When you read the points above, with your new understanding of alcoholism, does it seem clearer why he had to bolt?
Out of curiosity, why did he stop talking to his Brother?
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Trailmix - yes, when laid out chronologically like that, it does seem pretty classic (from what I now know) and obvious. It’s a big dose of denial we go through along with them I think, in that while I was in the thick of it, I definitely saw the red flags, but always gave him the benefit of the doubt. I think I had just gotten far enough in that I had strong feelings and the good times still outweighed the bad I’m thinking that wouldn’t have been the case much longer.
I’m thinking that wouldn’t have been the case much longer.
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Quick reply because I’m on my phone but I just wanted to say how much I relate to how you’re feeling. I’ve had this same thought process reading threads here, or thinking about relationships that my friends have had (not with alcoholics but dysfunctional nonetheless). It seems like for everyone else, the ex always circles back or pops up again, but it wasn’t that way for me. I felt totally inadequate and like I wasn’t even good enough to be treated badly. To reframe that though... even if it is unusual for an ex to completely cut and run without looking back or reaching out (which is not necessarily true, noting the examples that trailmix has posted above!), I think that says something about them and the way they deal with things, and it’s not about you. I know it’s difficult and upsetting, but hopefully in time you’ll look back and see that he did you a big favour, even if he did it to protect his addiction and not to protect you.
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I felt totally inadequate and like I wasn’t even good enough to be treated badly. To reframe that though... even if it is unusual for an ex to completely cut and run without looking back or reaching out (which is not necessarily true, noting the examples that trailmix has posted above!), I think that says something about them and the way they deal with things, and it’s not about you. I know it’s difficult and upsetting, but hopefully in time you’ll look back and see that he did you a big favour, even if he did it to protect his addiction and not to protect you.[/QUOTE]
Exactly! You feel like wow, apparently you cared about me so little after years together and never so much as a major fight (certainly I never did anything but care about and support him), that it was pretty easy to just walk away and never talk to me again. It does point to something very wrong with him, as I don’t see how any person with normally functioning emotions, could do that. I can’t imagine being so close with someone and just breaking up with them in such a blindsided fashion, and then just planning to never have contact with them again. He had just been talking about getting a house together a few months ago and was really into looking at various neighborhoods, etc. and then just decided he was done. It’s just not normal.
Exactly! You feel like wow, apparently you cared about me so little after years together and never so much as a major fight (certainly I never did anything but care about and support him), that it was pretty easy to just walk away and never talk to me again. It does point to something very wrong with him, as I don’t see how any person with normally functioning emotions, could do that. I can’t imagine being so close with someone and just breaking up with them in such a blindsided fashion, and then just planning to never have contact with them again. He had just been talking about getting a house together a few months ago and was really into looking at various neighborhoods, etc. and then just decided he was done. It’s just not normal.
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An active alcoholic suddenly cuts ties and disappears seems pretty typical to me. One of my favorite sayings: "Let go or be dragged........" You're on the right side of healing now, it's putting one foot in front of another and learning from the experience.
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the other side of the equation to consider is all the stories here of partners who WILL NOT leave, who refuse to vacate a home -forcing their partners and children out. relentlessly unwilling to LET GO, showing up on the doorstep drunk, 85 texts in a day, rambling incoherent voicemails.
or evil mean spirited partners who make it their life's mission to destroy the "former" partner. wiping out their life savings, bankruptcy, foreclosure, law suits.
so if ya gotta pick a way for things to end, i think you actually made out pretty sweet!!!!
or evil mean spirited partners who make it their life's mission to destroy the "former" partner. wiping out their life savings, bankruptcy, foreclosure, law suits.
so if ya gotta pick a way for things to end, i think you actually made out pretty sweet!!!!
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Abandoned...….In my experience, one way a man's head can get turned very quickly, is if they have found themselves attracted to someone else.....
Doesn't mean that it is. necessarily, reciprocated or a realistic situation, but, it is one thing that can turn a man's head in a nanosecond...…
Now, I am not saying that this IS the situation, with your ex.....
Your ex may just be messed up in the head. about relationships....
I am just wondering if this has ever even crossed your mind?
Doesn't mean that it is. necessarily, reciprocated or a realistic situation, but, it is one thing that can turn a man's head in a nanosecond...…
Now, I am not saying that this IS the situation, with your ex.....
Your ex may just be messed up in the head. about relationships....
I am just wondering if this has ever even crossed your mind?
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The most difficult part of my recovery was learning not to take someone else's addiction, and their behaviors because of it, personally. Addiction is addiction. Relationships are collateral damage.
For me, though, too, that line of thinking, "I wasn't even good enough to treat badly" was built around the marriage of two unhealthy factors on MY part:
1) A deficit of self-esteem, and
2) A belief that I could control the outcome ("if I could only be prettier/smarter/more patient/whatever, then this person would give me what I need in this relationship")
The idea that We're The Problem often comes from a desire to Create The Solution--and it can be devastating when we fail, even though the We're The Problem premise was faulty to begin with.
For me, though, too, that line of thinking, "I wasn't even good enough to treat badly" was built around the marriage of two unhealthy factors on MY part:
1) A deficit of self-esteem, and
2) A belief that I could control the outcome ("if I could only be prettier/smarter/more patient/whatever, then this person would give me what I need in this relationship")
The idea that We're The Problem often comes from a desire to Create The Solution--and it can be devastating when we fail, even though the We're The Problem premise was faulty to begin with.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Abandoned...….In my experience, one way a man's head can get turned very quickly, is if they have found themselves attracted to someone else.....
Doesn't mean that it is. necessarily, reciprocated or a realistic situation, but, it is one thing that can turn a man's head in a nanosecond...…
Now, I am not saying that this IS the situation, with your ex.....
Your ex may just be messed up in the head. about relationships....
I am just wondering if this has ever even crossed your mind?
Doesn't mean that it is. necessarily, reciprocated or a realistic situation, but, it is one thing that can turn a man's head in a nanosecond...…
Now, I am not saying that this IS the situation, with your ex.....
Your ex may just be messed up in the head. about relationships....
I am just wondering if this has ever even crossed your mind?
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
The most difficult part of my recovery was learning not to take someone else's addiction, and their behaviors because of it, personally. Addiction is addiction. Relationships are collateral damage.
For me, though, too, that line of thinking, "I wasn't even good enough to treat badly" was built around the marriage of two unhealthy factors on MY part:
1) A deficit of self-esteem, and
2) A belief that I could control the outcome ("if I could only be prettier/smarter/more patient/whatever, then this person would give me what I need in this relationship")
The idea that We're The Problem often comes from a desire to Create The Solution--and it can be devastating when we fail, even though the We're The Problem premise was faulty to begin with.
For me, though, too, that line of thinking, "I wasn't even good enough to treat badly" was built around the marriage of two unhealthy factors on MY part:
1) A deficit of self-esteem, and
2) A belief that I could control the outcome ("if I could only be prettier/smarter/more patient/whatever, then this person would give me what I need in this relationship")
The idea that We're The Problem often comes from a desire to Create The Solution--and it can be devastating when we fail, even though the We're The Problem premise was faulty to begin with.
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