This is not a logical way to feel, but it hurts a bit reading...
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A,
He has gifted you this opportunity to get your life together, away from an alcoholic. It hurts, but, you will be ok. Plus you probably have not heard the last of him. Do you have a plan it he reaches back out to you? Stay strong and take each day as like an alcoholic, you don't want to start at day one again, engaging with crazy. Press ignore and move on. Hugs!!
He has gifted you this opportunity to get your life together, away from an alcoholic. It hurts, but, you will be ok. Plus you probably have not heard the last of him. Do you have a plan it he reaches back out to you? Stay strong and take each day as like an alcoholic, you don't want to start at day one again, engaging with crazy. Press ignore and move on. Hugs!!
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Originally Posted by maia1234 
A,
He has gifted you this opportunity to get your life together, away from an alcoholic. It hurts, but, you will be ok. Plus you probably have not heard the last of him. Do you have a plan it he reaches back out to you? Stay strong and take each day as like an alcoholic, you don't want to start at day one again, engaging with crazy. Press ignore and move on. Hugs!!
He has gifted you this opportunity to get your life together, away from an alcoholic. It hurts, but, you will be ok. Plus you probably have not heard the last of him. Do you have a plan it he reaches back out to you? Stay strong and take each day as like an alcoholic, you don't want to start at day one again, engaging with crazy. Press ignore and move on. Hugs!!
But yes, I will move on! I’m glad the holidays will finally be over - think they’ve been making it more difficult. Member
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Its hard, I am five years divorce from my addict of 34 years. I still get sad, and thats ok. You are not living with crazy anymore.
One day at a time, you will get through this, just stay strong and don't engage him.
One day at a time, you will get through this, just stay strong and don't engage him.
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Originally Posted by maia1234
Its hard, I am five years divorce from my addict of 34 years. I still get sad, and thats ok. You are not living with crazy anymore.
One day at a time, you will get through this, just stay strong and don't engage him.
One day at a time, you will get through this, just stay strong and don't engage him.
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The holiday period can definitely make things much harder - it can shine a spotlight on the things you feel you don't have, or the ways in which you wish things were different. I think a lot of people (me included) would join you in being glad that the holidays are almost over!
^ I think this is so useful and true.
I struggle hugely with "I'm the problem". I've noticed over the years that in the context of a breakup, I get stuck 1) obsessively analysing and reliving the entire relationship and all of our interactions to try to pinpoint exactly where and how I went "wrong", and heaping blame on myself for every perceived failing, and 2) obsessively analysing (and psychoanalysing) the other person both to try to understand their behaviour and to confirm that in fact they are the problem, not me. It seems that I can only feel ok about myself if I am sure that they are the problem, which of course I can never be sure about, and so round and round the unproductive cycle goes. Not a stable place to ground my self-esteem.
This time around I am trying to focus on self-esteem and self-compassion - worth a try, although it feels very uncomfortable for me as it is not something I have ever focused on before. While I do think there is some benefit to thinking about the relationship and the role that each person played in it, rumination has never gotten me anywhere.
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
The most difficult part of my recovery was learning not to take someone else's addiction, and their behaviors because of it, personally. Addiction is addiction. Relationships are collateral damage.
For me, though, too, that line of thinking, "I wasn't even good enough to treat badly" was built around the marriage of two unhealthy factors on MY part:
1) A deficit of self-esteem, and
2) A belief that I could control the outcome ("if I could only be prettier/smarter/more patient/whatever, then this person would give me what I need in this relationship")
The idea that We're The Problem often comes from a desire to Create The Solution--and it can be devastating when we fail, even though the We're The Problem premise was faulty to begin with.
For me, though, too, that line of thinking, "I wasn't even good enough to treat badly" was built around the marriage of two unhealthy factors on MY part:
1) A deficit of self-esteem, and
2) A belief that I could control the outcome ("if I could only be prettier/smarter/more patient/whatever, then this person would give me what I need in this relationship")
The idea that We're The Problem often comes from a desire to Create The Solution--and it can be devastating when we fail, even though the We're The Problem premise was faulty to begin with.
I struggle hugely with "I'm the problem". I've noticed over the years that in the context of a breakup, I get stuck 1) obsessively analysing and reliving the entire relationship and all of our interactions to try to pinpoint exactly where and how I went "wrong", and heaping blame on myself for every perceived failing, and 2) obsessively analysing (and psychoanalysing) the other person both to try to understand their behaviour and to confirm that in fact they are the problem, not me. It seems that I can only feel ok about myself if I am sure that they are the problem, which of course I can never be sure about, and so round and round the unproductive cycle goes. Not a stable place to ground my self-esteem.
This time around I am trying to focus on self-esteem and self-compassion - worth a try, although it feels very uncomfortable for me as it is not something I have ever focused on before. While I do think there is some benefit to thinking about the relationship and the role that each person played in it, rumination has never gotten me anywhere.
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While I do think there is some benefit to thinking about the relationship and the role that each person played in it, rumination has never gotten me anywhere.[/QUOTE]
This is so true. This whole experience has greatly tested my natural tendencies to analyze and try to understand EVERYTHING. And of course, I’m never going to know the whole story here - he never wanted to be completely honest with me about anything and there is a lot I don’t know. At some point, I know I’m just going to have to accept that.
This is so true. This whole experience has greatly tested my natural tendencies to analyze and try to understand EVERYTHING. And of course, I’m never going to know the whole story here - he never wanted to be completely honest with me about anything and there is a lot I don’t know. At some point, I know I’m just going to have to accept that.
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All alcoholics “leave” whether they’re on a bus to crazy-ville or on the couch right next to us. Alcohol and their addiction steals them away from both themselves and others. There’s simply no getting around the pain. And no amount of control, on our part helps to alleviate the mere torture of it all. It’s utter madness.
Speaking from someone who lived at “Crazy-ville” with the mayor...(I can only now be somewhat sarcastic about it)... but living with an insecure, manipulative, emotionally abusive and extremely controlling alcoholic who used to call me obsessively even if I just walked to the deli... um, yeah you don’t want to see HIS sh*t first hand! Living amongst the madness, lies and extreme sorrow is HELL.
I dreamt every single day that she would be able to walk out that door... and even make it to work alone, without going into a withdrawal grand mal seizure from an hour without alcohol. But it progressed so rapidly.
Breathe, mourn, cry... slowly pick yourself back up. And honestly... I don’t think anyone has mentioned this to you but I’d consider blocking his number. You probably won’t, at least not right away... but when he’s finished visiting Crazy-Ville... have you asked yourself, what if he resurfaced?
Speaking from someone who lived at “Crazy-ville” with the mayor...(I can only now be somewhat sarcastic about it)... but living with an insecure, manipulative, emotionally abusive and extremely controlling alcoholic who used to call me obsessively even if I just walked to the deli... um, yeah you don’t want to see HIS sh*t first hand! Living amongst the madness, lies and extreme sorrow is HELL.
I dreamt every single day that she would be able to walk out that door... and even make it to work alone, without going into a withdrawal grand mal seizure from an hour without alcohol. But it progressed so rapidly.
Breathe, mourn, cry... slowly pick yourself back up. And honestly... I don’t think anyone has mentioned this to you but I’d consider blocking his number. You probably won’t, at least not right away... but when he’s finished visiting Crazy-Ville... have you asked yourself, what if he resurfaced?
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Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC
[left]All alcoholics “leave” whether they’re on a bus to crazy-ville or on the couch right next to us.
Speaking from someone who lived at “Crazy-ville” with the mayor
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Lol Trailmix... definitely a town to speed right past. As the Mayor, she welcomes every Jack, Dick and Harry off the main road... and doesn’t let them go. And only one job in town, workin at the local bar. They need a delivery person? Hahaha
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Breathe, mourn, cry... slowly pick yourself back up. And honestly... I don’t think anyone has mentioned this to you but I’d consider blocking his number. You probably won’t, at least not right away... but when he’s finished visiting Crazy-Ville... have you asked yourself, what if he resurfaced?
[/QUOTE]
Alone even when they are in the room - that is such an apt way to describe the feeling when you know they are relapsing. It’s like they are a different person and you have no idea what’s going on in their head.
I haven’t blocked his number because in all honesty I don’t think he’s the type to ever reach out again. Looking at how he’s handled past relationships, he seems to completely leave those people behind. He seems to be down to very few friends and family he speaks to. I don’t think he would want to deal with any guilt or bad feelings that might be stirred up by talking to me again - he was perfectly aware of how much he blindsided me and how heartbroken I would be. He’s the “start over in a new city, new job, new home” type of guy. He’s done it over and over (again, red flag!)
[/QUOTE]
Alone even when they are in the room - that is such an apt way to describe the feeling when you know they are relapsing. It’s like they are a different person and you have no idea what’s going on in their head.
I haven’t blocked his number because in all honesty I don’t think he’s the type to ever reach out again. Looking at how he’s handled past relationships, he seems to completely leave those people behind. He seems to be down to very few friends and family he speaks to. I don’t think he would want to deal with any guilt or bad feelings that might be stirred up by talking to me again - he was perfectly aware of how much he blindsided me and how heartbroken I would be. He’s the “start over in a new city, new job, new home” type of guy. He’s done it over and over (again, red flag!)
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Well, one thing I’ve learned... never “assume” anything about an alcoholic. Because their patterns are illogical to a non-addict. Blocking his number isn’t about “assuming” he won’t call you... it’s about protecting yourself in case he randomly does. And then sucks you back in.
Again, you don’t have to — but it’s interesting. So, if he’s disappeared forever... why hold on to his info???
Why not just delete or block him forever and move on? Something to think about... right?
Listen, we’ve all been in a very similar place. I held on to my ex girlfriend’s apt keys (a bit too long) not because I planned to use them again... but because throwing them away represented losing her. I was so used to something painful happening every day from her seizures to severe blacks out... somehow, in my mind, I still felt the desire to “protect” her even though I had left her (and I ultimately never could protect her). Oh the symbolism of possessions and cell #s.
Blocking the addicts # is probably the most difficult final step the majority of folks on this forum go through.
But we learn it’s often a healthy step in moving on... and good to ask yourself: why hold on?
Again, you don’t have to — but it’s interesting. So, if he’s disappeared forever... why hold on to his info???
Why not just delete or block him forever and move on? Something to think about... right?
Listen, we’ve all been in a very similar place. I held on to my ex girlfriend’s apt keys (a bit too long) not because I planned to use them again... but because throwing them away represented losing her. I was so used to something painful happening every day from her seizures to severe blacks out... somehow, in my mind, I still felt the desire to “protect” her even though I had left her (and I ultimately never could protect her). Oh the symbolism of possessions and cell #s.
Blocking the addicts # is probably the most difficult final step the majority of folks on this forum go through.
But we learn it’s often a healthy step in moving on... and good to ask yourself: why hold on?
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^ It's a difficult one, isn't it - it's often a bit of a process to detach, and we go through stages with it I think. I agree that it's good to think about our motivations behind holding on to items or channels of communication, as they can be quite complicated.
In my case, I immediately muted him on social media (so I wouldn't see anything in my feed) but it took me a few months to actually remove him from my social media and to delete his phone number. Although I did not contact him and had stopped checking his social media, I had this idea that I wanted to keep the channels of communication open so that I could have no regrets in future that I had in any way cut off the relationship by preventing him from contacting me. I actually think this helped in the sense that it clearly showed me that despite having every available avenue to reach out, he chose not to do so. It was then much easier for me to close off those avenues, whereas I think I would have felt quite conflicted about my decision had I made it earlier. I also didn't want it to seem like I cared enough to delete him off social media, but I realised in the end that a) he likely wouldn't notice, b) even if he did notice, who cares what he may or may not think about that, and c) the truth is that I do care and there's nothing wrong or embarrassing about that. I haven't blocked his number though because, like abandoned, I do not think he will ever contact me so it feels kind of silly. Who knows, this might just be me holding on to my last remaining safety blanket!
Anyway, point being - I think we do these things when we are ready.
In my case, I immediately muted him on social media (so I wouldn't see anything in my feed) but it took me a few months to actually remove him from my social media and to delete his phone number. Although I did not contact him and had stopped checking his social media, I had this idea that I wanted to keep the channels of communication open so that I could have no regrets in future that I had in any way cut off the relationship by preventing him from contacting me. I actually think this helped in the sense that it clearly showed me that despite having every available avenue to reach out, he chose not to do so. It was then much easier for me to close off those avenues, whereas I think I would have felt quite conflicted about my decision had I made it earlier. I also didn't want it to seem like I cared enough to delete him off social media, but I realised in the end that a) he likely wouldn't notice, b) even if he did notice, who cares what he may or may not think about that, and c) the truth is that I do care and there's nothing wrong or embarrassing about that. I haven't blocked his number though because, like abandoned, I do not think he will ever contact me so it feels kind of silly. Who knows, this might just be me holding on to my last remaining safety blanket!
Anyway, point being - I think we do these things when we are ready.
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Yes, I right away deleted him from my social media (I didn’t even care if he figured out I did this - he had few contacts and I knew he’d figure it out right away). I also changed my profile picture and blocked him on messenger - this was all just to protect myself, I suppose from having to see when he inevitably took his profile pic of us down, etc. I’ve been staying off of social media since. No good can come of me seeing what he’s up to, and I’d rather not know.
His phone number is the last remaining contact method I have - and it is silly, but it’s going to be the hardest to delete. I deleted our entire text thread, which went back over a year, to stop myself from being stupid and rereading any of that. Sometimes I regret it, which I know is also sort of insane. Isn’t it strange how the person you talk to the most, where it’s second nature to reach out to them every day, can become someone you feel you can’t talk to ever again?
His phone number is the last remaining contact method I have - and it is silly, but it’s going to be the hardest to delete. I deleted our entire text thread, which went back over a year, to stop myself from being stupid and rereading any of that. Sometimes I regret it, which I know is also sort of insane. Isn’t it strange how the person you talk to the most, where it’s second nature to reach out to them every day, can become someone you feel you can’t talk to ever again?
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Yes, it's weird for sure.
I went through this with the narc.
I did it in stages. First blocked on FB when I realized he was going to be a jerk. From someone who didn't really use FB to someone who was Mr. fake personality (including posting a picture I had taken of him). So that went immediately.
First objects, every single thing that meant anything to "us" (I don't even like writing that now!). Pans, linens, every gift he ever gave me, everything, I threw it all out.
Then emails, photos etc.
I never blocked him from my phone, might have removed him as a contact (since I pocket dialed him by mistake once).
All that is to say that, for me, It was a process. I had to wait until I didn't care about them anymore. To me that's part of being nice to myself.
Anyway, my point is, it takes time. As long as things are put away so they don't hurt you at all, I think waiting until you are ready is not a bad thing.
I went through this with the narc.
I did it in stages. First blocked on FB when I realized he was going to be a jerk. From someone who didn't really use FB to someone who was Mr. fake personality (including posting a picture I had taken of him). So that went immediately.
First objects, every single thing that meant anything to "us" (I don't even like writing that now!). Pans, linens, every gift he ever gave me, everything, I threw it all out.
Then emails, photos etc.
I never blocked him from my phone, might have removed him as a contact (since I pocket dialed him by mistake once).
All that is to say that, for me, It was a process. I had to wait until I didn't care about them anymore. To me that's part of being nice to myself.
Anyway, my point is, it takes time. As long as things are put away so they don't hurt you at all, I think waiting until you are ready is not a bad thing.
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The night he left me, I went around my place and gathered up any pictures or momentos, or really anything that reminded me of him (of which there were a lot). I couldn’t bring myself to throw them away right then, but I bagged them up and put them way high up in a cupboard that I never go in. It was very hard to do. It’s so confusing - some days I worry about him and hope he is ok, other days I hate him, and other days I am just hopelessly sad and imagine he has already moved on easily.
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Originally Posted by Abandoned80
It’s so confusing - some days I worry about him and hope he is ok, other days I hate him, and other days I am just hopelessly sad and imagine he has already moved on easily.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
The most difficult part of my recovery was learning not to take someone else's addiction, and their behaviors because of it, personally. Addiction is addiction. Relationships are collateral damage.
For me, though, too, that line of thinking, "I wasn't even good enough to treat badly" was built around the marriage of two unhealthy factors on MY part:
1) A deficit of self-esteem, and
2) A belief that I could control the outcome ("if I could only be prettier/smarter/more patient/whatever, then this person would give me what I need in this relationship")
The idea that We're The Problem often comes from a desire to Create The Solution--and it can be devastating when we fail, even though the We're The Problem premise was faulty to begin with.
For me, though, too, that line of thinking, "I wasn't even good enough to treat badly" was built around the marriage of two unhealthy factors on MY part:
1) A deficit of self-esteem, and
2) A belief that I could control the outcome ("if I could only be prettier/smarter/more patient/whatever, then this person would give me what I need in this relationship")
The idea that We're The Problem often comes from a desire to Create The Solution--and it can be devastating when we fail, even though the We're The Problem premise was faulty to begin with.
I thought that if I was part of the problem, thus could create the solution, the person that hurt me, would heal me. There was a piece of the idea of closure in it for me.
When I realized that he was not capable of helping me heal it helped me immensely.
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Originally Posted by Abandoned80
It’s so confusing - some days I worry about him and hope he is ok, other days I hate him, and other days I am just hopelessly sad and imagine he has already moved on easily.
Think I mentioned this once before in this forum. I took a great deal of time writing out my thoughts and feelings and did so as if it was my last chance to let him know how his behavior had affected me. It wasn't all bad. I also wrote good things about our time together and how I had once felt about us and him. I wrote it thinking this could easily be my last communication with him...ever. Just writing all of that out and putting it on paper felt really good! Don't get me wrong, there were lots of tears shed. I was honest, even brutally so, about everything we both had done from my point of view...good and bad.
Then I decided to actually send it. I knew if I sent it that he might never read it or if he did it was likely I would never know or get a response. After much thought I decided to send it for ME. Even if he didn't read it, even if he never responded or acknowledged it, even if it was selfish of me to do, the idea of sending it felt like a weight being lifted from me. It was a solid several days before I got a response. He was upset, upset with me, upset with himself, and upset about how this had affected me. He apologized profusely and repeatedly for his behavior and treatment of me. Though he restated that he had no other choice in the situation he was in.
Fast forward to the day before Christmas Eve when I literally almost ran into him in a parking lot. He immediately hugged me, as a friend and I was sure to stick to boundaries I had set previously during discussions with friends in Al Anon. We all knew it was only a matter of time before we encountered each other.. It was awkward, but not horrible. Since then we've been texting off and on, as friends keeping in touch with each other would do. It seems to be less awkward all the time and I'm genuinely happy to hear from him when I do. I can only hope the same is true for him. I don't want to let this situation change me into someone I'm not. My goal is to give the next man the same honest, open, caring person I was before this unusual scenario played out. Being left cold like that without arguments and disagreements was the hardest split I've ever been through. Literally like being left holding the bag wondering what the hell happened.
I now know that he cut ties completely with a few other friends and continues to avoid them entirely. Could it be that since he truly knows me, it feels safer for him to be in touch with me rather than others? I really can't rationalize his behavior because IT'S NOT RATIONAL. That said being in contact with him in this way feels healthy and okay to me. I don't feel angry or upset with or about him any more and am genuinely happy to hear from him when I do. I hope the same is true for him.
I realize that my situation is probably very rare and likely not the same as what you are going through. But the one thing I know for certain is that after I sent that letter I FELT BETTER. Even before I heard from him it was like an emotional weight had been lifted from me. Perhaps if you wrote out something similar, even without thinking of sending it, it might be helpful to you. Getting all those thoughts out on paper and rereading/revisiting felt good. Writing that letter and my Al Anon group have both helped me process this when I wasn't sure how to think myself through it all. Most important is that I found my way through this and it seems to be working for us both...at least for now.
My best to you through this difficult time.
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Thank you Emeraldgirl - I’m so sorry you went through something similar, it has been the most difficult breakup I’ve had because, as you said, you do feel like you are left holding the bag. I’m so glad you were able to communicate your thoughts about it all to him and that he responded and you are now able to text every so often and such. I would feel so much better if my ex and I could have somehow gotten to that point, because I did consider him my friend. Maybe that’s why I don’t delete his number!
I did send him one text about a day after our breakup, once I’d had a chance to absorb it all, that said most of the things I wanted him to know (well maybe not most of, but the key things). I sent it with no questions or anything that asked for a response. He did respond, and did apologize, but managed to spend a lot of the text just telling me why we weren’t compatible anymore and how he needed to break up for his mental health. He didn’t mention or admit to his drinking, which I’d indicated as being one of the things I’d found to be a “third party” in our relationship for quite a while. I decided there wasn’t much point in answering back, so that’s where we left it.
I think I’ll do as you suggest and write a long letter, everything I do wish I could tell him about our time together and how I’ve been feeling. I’ll never send it, but I do think it might be cathartic.
I did send him one text about a day after our breakup, once I’d had a chance to absorb it all, that said most of the things I wanted him to know (well maybe not most of, but the key things). I sent it with no questions or anything that asked for a response. He did respond, and did apologize, but managed to spend a lot of the text just telling me why we weren’t compatible anymore and how he needed to break up for his mental health. He didn’t mention or admit to his drinking, which I’d indicated as being one of the things I’d found to be a “third party” in our relationship for quite a while. I decided there wasn’t much point in answering back, so that’s where we left it.
I think I’ll do as you suggest and write a long letter, everything I do wish I could tell him about our time together and how I’ve been feeling. I’ll never send it, but I do think it might be cathartic.
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Abandoned...need to add that when I originally started the letter, I too had not planned on sending it. It was more of an attempt to clear myself of all the questions and thoughts rolling around in my head that I was so very tired of. But once the letter was finished so much of my heart had been poured out onto paper that the letter itself was now meaningful to me and had a purpose. I asked questions, just as one would in conversation...as if it was a final conversation. I even suggested what I thought a few possible answers might be, which he really didn't appreciate. But, this man had hurt me so much, I thought why should I worry about sparing his feelings or what he might think of me when he read it? So I decided that my thoughts and feelings that I'd taken time and great care to put on paper were of greater importance to me than his reaction or lack thereof. In the back of my mind I knew that if I sent it to him he would read it, at least eventually. One of the bravest things I've done in a very long time. If you write EVERYTHING out completely and honestly from your perspective (since that's all you have) I'll be curious how you feel about the letter itself and what you do from there.
I'm so very very sorry you're going through this. It's a tough situation to get through. AlAnon has helped a great deal also. Gives you great perspective on this disease and all the situations people find themselves in. 🤗♥️💪 Plus ears to bend and great people that truly care about YOU.
I'm so very very sorry you're going through this. It's a tough situation to get through. AlAnon has helped a great deal also. Gives you great perspective on this disease and all the situations people find themselves in. 🤗♥️💪 Plus ears to bend and great people that truly care about YOU.
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