This is not a logical way to feel, but it hurts a bit reading...
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It sounds like you had a good outcome Emeraldgirl - that's great! I agree that it's a brave thing to have done, because you never know what response or result you're going to get.
That said, I do agree with LifeRecovery above that (to paraphrase) the person who hurt you is not going to be the one to heal you. For that reason I think the primary benefit is in writing the letter, or using the 'empty chair' technique to say what you want to say to that person. I think the risk in actually sending the letter is that you are giving that person another opportunity to hurt you, either by giving you no response or a response that is not what you were hoping for. I've been surprised by how cold people can turn once they are out of the relationship, and they are not necessarily going to see things the way you do (no matter how perfectly you may think you've expressed yourself!).
That said, I do agree with LifeRecovery above that (to paraphrase) the person who hurt you is not going to be the one to heal you. For that reason I think the primary benefit is in writing the letter, or using the 'empty chair' technique to say what you want to say to that person. I think the risk in actually sending the letter is that you are giving that person another opportunity to hurt you, either by giving you no response or a response that is not what you were hoping for. I've been surprised by how cold people can turn once they are out of the relationship, and they are not necessarily going to see things the way you do (no matter how perfectly you may think you've expressed yourself!).
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Not sure if you’ve been in a situation like this before, and if it’s triggering some sort of “original wound” from the past, or if this is something you are experiencing for the first time. But if you have been through something like this before, sometimes it helps to remind yourself of that, that you’ve gotten through it before, and you will again. If it’s something new, you will get through it too. Oftentimes people are a lot stronger than they think.
I think what you do now becomes very important. In my experience, and what has helped me, is learning as much as I can not only about addiction, but also personality disorders . Not coming from a place of amateur diagnosing or thinking you can get a step ahead of it that way or anything (because you can’t), but more from a place of gathering knowledge, so you know what you’re up against. Some people do individual therapy and / or Alanon, there are some great youtubers out their sharing their knowledge (I highly recommend Kris Godinez from “We Need To Talk”, including all of her recommended reading). Whatever you need to do.
He might be the cutting and running clean break type, or he might be the type to circle back at some point. But I do think it’s good to have as much information as possible (an arsenal of stuff), so when you are experiencing these behaviors, you’ll at least have names for these concepts (this is devaluation/ discard, this is “splitting”, etc). That can help protect you a bit, so you don’t get roped back in if that happens.
I think what you do now becomes very important. In my experience, and what has helped me, is learning as much as I can not only about addiction, but also personality disorders . Not coming from a place of amateur diagnosing or thinking you can get a step ahead of it that way or anything (because you can’t), but more from a place of gathering knowledge, so you know what you’re up against. Some people do individual therapy and / or Alanon, there are some great youtubers out their sharing their knowledge (I highly recommend Kris Godinez from “We Need To Talk”, including all of her recommended reading). Whatever you need to do.
He might be the cutting and running clean break type, or he might be the type to circle back at some point. But I do think it’s good to have as much information as possible (an arsenal of stuff), so when you are experiencing these behaviors, you’ll at least have names for these concepts (this is devaluation/ discard, this is “splitting”, etc). That can help protect you a bit, so you don’t get roped back in if that happens.
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Yes, I’m regards to the letter, at this point I don’t think I could find the strength to actually send it, as the way we left it, he had at least sent the last message. I think it would reopen the wound if he were to never respond or send me an angry message or something back in return. Emeraldgirl, I’m so glad that scenario worked out for you, but I think for me it’s better to just leave things as they are.
This is the first time I’ve ever felt so discarded/blindsided in a breakup, and the fact that he’d always indicated a future for us (getting a house, etc.) up until very recently, I think is making it harder for me to reconcile in my head. I always had looked for the best in him/gave him the benefit of the doubt, so I think the betrayal of him never mentioning any of these incompatibilities or trying to work through them in any way with me, adds to the sadness.
Researching some of the facts behind addiction has definitely helped (as have these boards) - I’m the type that can work through things better if I can at least understand the reasoning or science behind it. Did the breakup have everything to do with addiction? Maybe not - but I have no doubt its constant presence throughout most of our relationship (and the fact he was never forthcoming to me about it) never really gave us a fighting chance.
This is the first time I’ve ever felt so discarded/blindsided in a breakup, and the fact that he’d always indicated a future for us (getting a house, etc.) up until very recently, I think is making it harder for me to reconcile in my head. I always had looked for the best in him/gave him the benefit of the doubt, so I think the betrayal of him never mentioning any of these incompatibilities or trying to work through them in any way with me, adds to the sadness.
Researching some of the facts behind addiction has definitely helped (as have these boards) - I’m the type that can work through things better if I can at least understand the reasoning or science behind it. Did the breakup have everything to do with addiction? Maybe not - but I have no doubt its constant presence throughout most of our relationship (and the fact he was never forthcoming to me about it) never really gave us a fighting chance.
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Some people do individual therapy and / or Alanon, there are some great youtubers out their sharing their knowledge (I highly recommend Kris Godinez from “We Need To Talk”, including all of her recommended reading). Whatever you need to do.
Thank you for the recommendations! Will check it out.
Thank you for the recommendations! Will check it out.
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But I do think it’s good to have as much information as possible (an arsenal of stuff), so when you are experiencing these behaviors, you’ll at least have names for these concepts (this is devaluation/ discard, this is “splitting”, etc). That can help protect you a bit, so you don’t get roped back in if that happens.[/QUOTE]
I just watched her video on splitting and it’s very interesting to me that my ex broke up with me because he found my thinking too black and white, while his was “grey.” Like he has researched this stuff himself. Interesting, I am neither the alcoholic or the person with a personality disorder.
I just watched her video on splitting and it’s very interesting to me that my ex broke up with me because he found my thinking too black and white, while his was “grey.” Like he has researched this stuff himself. Interesting, I am neither the alcoholic or the person with a personality disorder.
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Originally Posted by Abandoned80 
I just watched her video on splitting and it’s very interesting to me that my ex broke up with me because he found my thinking too black and white, while his was “grey.” Like he has researched this stuff himself. Interesting, I am neither the alcoholic or the person with a personality disorder.
I wouldn't put too much stock in his stated reasons for breaking up to be honest. It's quite easy to twist concepts to suit your own purposes (including to paint the other person as the problem), and give authority to what you're saying by using the right terminology/jargon.
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Originally Posted by Abandoned80
I just watched her video on splitting and it’s very interesting to me that my ex broke up with me because he found my thinking too black and white, while his was “grey.” Like he has researched this stuff himself. Interesting, I am neither the alcoholic or the person with a personality disorder.
Anyway, maybe he has researched it - it's also possible someone has said this to him before black/white thinker etc, so he looked it up.
Did you find him to be that way? Stubborn etc?
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Originally Posted by Abandoned80
I just watched her video on splitting and it’s very interesting to me that my ex broke up with me because he found my thinking too black and white, while his was “grey.” Like he has researched this stuff himself. Interesting, I am neither the alcoholic or the person with a personality disorder.
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Anyway, maybe he has researched it - it's also possible someone has said this to him before black/white thinker etc, so he looked it up.
Did you find him to be that way? Stubborn etc?[/QUOTE]
I did find him to be very stubborn - you really couldn’t tell him anything. He was also very set in his ways as far as what clothes he would wear, food he would eat, etc. He may have been referring to the fact that I guess I do have a pretty good sense by now of what I consider right and wrong in life, etc. (he said, he understands one person’s right is another person’s wrong, implying that I don’t think that way). I never thought of this as black and white thinking though - I’m not saying other people can’t or shouldn’t do things, I’m just saying I wouldn’t do that particular thing or don’t agree with it, if that makes sense. I think everyone is like that to a certain extent?
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[QUOTE=pdm22;7351289]With things like that, maybe ask yourself, has anyone else in your life (close friends, family, etc) given you that kind of feedback before?
Nope, no one has ever said something like that to me before, and when I shared a few of the things he said with a few close people to me, they said they didn’t think it made sense at all. He also said I put some pressure on him to be perfect, when I don’t believe I ever did any such thing. In fact, I was forgiving of a lot of things. Maybe too much so, looking back.
Nope, no one has ever said something like that to me before, and when I shared a few of the things he said with a few close people to me, they said they didn’t think it made sense at all. He also said I put some pressure on him to be perfect, when I don’t believe I ever did any such thing. In fact, I was forgiving of a lot of things. Maybe too much so, looking back.
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That's interesting (about the stubbornness). I was talking to someone else the other day about that (I asked) and they experienced that too - seems to be a pattern as well with alcoholism from my very small group observation!
It's that control thing.
It's that control thing.
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Originally Posted by Abandoned80
I did find him to be very stubborn - you really couldn’t tell him anything. He was also very set in his ways as far as what clothes he would wear, food he would eat, etc. He may have been referring to the fact that I guess I do have a pretty good sense by now of what I consider right and wrong in life, etc. (he said, he understands one person’s right is another person’s wrong, implying that I don’t think that way). I never thought of this as black and white thinking though - I’m not saying other people can’t or shouldn’t do things, I’m just saying I wouldn’t do that particular thing or don’t agree with it, if that makes sense. I think everyone is like that to a certain extent? [/left]
https://thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/
^#2
Black/ White thinking (splitting) is a more a defense mechanism used, characterizing people as all good (idealization), or all bad (devaluing). The person isn’t able to integrate the good and bad aspects of themselves, or others. When done towards the self, you might notice the person is vacillating between crippling low self esteem, and at other times, presents as grandiose. It seems kind of bizarre to watch (like, how can you have such bottom of the barrel low self esteem, and at other times, be grandiose), until you realize that’s the person is “splitting” the self, too.
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When done towards the self, you might notice the person is vacillating between crippling low self esteem, and at other times, presents as grandiose. It seems kind of bizarre to watch (like, how can you have such bottom of the barrel low self esteem, and at other times, be grandiose), until you realize that’s the person is “splitting” the self, too.[/QUOTE]
Exactly. I read somewhere the quote (basically) that addicts “consider themselves the biggest pieces of sh** that the world revolves around.”
Exactly. I read somewhere the quote (basically) that addicts “consider themselves the biggest pieces of sh** that the world revolves around.”
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Originally Posted by Abandoned80
Exactly. I read somewhere the quote (basically) that addicts “consider themselves the biggest pieces of sh** that the world revolves around.”
Yup, that sums it up perfectly.
Last night I read this article from the narcsite, and I’m going to leave it here for you too. If have time for this today, it’s a great website (written from the perspective of a narcissist). Basically I agree with him here, that alcoholism/ addiction mimics narcissism (and in my opinion, also borderline personality disorder/ or the traits). Which is why I think it’s good to learn about personality disorders too, because when you are dealing with someone in active addiction, bottom line, you’ll be dealing with those behaviors.
This article is regarding alcoholism, but the website has excellent info, overall (author of the book, “Fuel”):
https://narcsite.com/2019/02/13/chee...and-alcohol-7/
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I had a boyfriend (emphasis on the 'boy' although he was in his 20s) whose explanation for breaking up was, "If we were meant to be together, this relationship wouldn't be so much work." That may actually be true, on some level. (Maybe doesn't seem like work if the two are a better match to begin with)
No matter how honest and considerate you were breaking things off with your suitors, I'll bet they felt abandoned and sad, too, even if they accepted your decision graciously. Actually, since you were honest and considerate, that would only make the parting more poignant, wouldn't it?
No matter how honest and considerate you were breaking things off with your suitors, I'll bet they felt abandoned and sad, too, even if they accepted your decision graciously. Actually, since you were honest and considerate, that would only make the parting more poignant, wouldn't it?
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Ironically I think codies & alcoholics are BOTH stubborn. (I don’t mean to offend anyone)... But in my opinion, neither want to change — but definitely hope and want their partner to change. It seems to happen because addiction creates such a helpless feeling for everyone involved. It’s such a difficult dynamic.
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