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Old 12-04-2019, 01:38 PM   #1 (permalink)
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He wants me to move in with him...


I will give a bit of backstory because I'm not sure how memorable my story is around these parts! haha

XAH had an alcohol incident, went to mandatory detox in June of 2017. He quit drinking after that except for one relapse I know about. He refused to attend AA but started going to an addiction-specialist therapist. He went to him for about a year.

XAH moved out of family home in April of 2018 (after I found out he had hid taking prescription medicine from me, and had spy cameras in the house so he could sneak outside and smoke cigarettes). He moved in to an apartment over the garage at his parents house.

On the urging of therapists, we went to marriage counseling in the fall of 2018. During these meetings he told me he wanted a divorce, that he never loved me, and he needed to live alone for the rest of his life. The therapist basically said there wasn't anything else she could do if he wanted a divorce, so that was that.

He never actually initiated anything regarding the divorce. I finally convinced him to go to a mediator earlier this year. Our divorce was final in August. Not much drama involved in that. I got mostly what I wanted. He has our son every other weekend and on Thursday evenings for dinner.

We sold the family house in July. I moved into an apartment I've been renting since.

He bought a house and moved out of his parents place about a month ago.

He has supposedly not been drinking this entire time. I haven't caught him drunk. I did find out that he had drained his personal savings account (which contained some of my money, that I got back in the divorce) and was withdrawing large sums of money from ATMs (he still is). I also am pretty sure he had a secret PO Box and he was sending things via FedEx at pretty regular intervals (this is not something he would normally do). I know he takes Adderall--he has a prescription (but I don't think he has ADHD) and has lost a ton of weight. He looks bad. I think he's become addicted to something else--hence the cash withdrawals--but I have no idea what and no evidence of anything. He is holding it together pretty well, but I did have a coworker confide in me that he seems "like an addict" without knowing anything about our history or his situation. But for the most part nobody really suspects anything.

We work together, and at a work function a few weeks ago, he had to give a presentation. He seemed so...off... during the presentation (like jittery, nervous, losing his train of thought) that I had to leave the room because it was triggering me. He also was a no-show to a large group dinner the night before... that was at his favorite restaurant and he seemed excited to go to.

He's been pretty cordial to me this entire time. I've been cordial to him. There is no fighting unless you count him lecturing me via text messages about stupid things (I asked for some money for winter clothes/boots once). I invite him to some outings with our son. I actually spent Thanksgiving with his extended family because I don't really have my own life here yet.

He asked me to lunch on Monday. I agreed because it sounded like he wanted to talk about something. At lunch he told me he had been having "epiphanies" lately and due to a dream he had the night before, wanted to run something by me. He said that he wanted me to move into his house when my lease is up in July. He told me not to respond yet so I just sat and listened. He said that he has no idea how big of an impact us living separate would have on our son. That he dipped his toe into the dating waters and realized he hates 95% of women and doesn't want to spend 5 years dating to find one of the 5% that he likes. He said he still loves me and wants to give our relationship another try. And if it doesn't work out, that I can stay in the house and he will move back in with his parents again. He said he didn't want to get married again--because his biggest 'issue' with our marriage was that he felt like he gave more into the relationship than he got out of it, and if we weren't married, he wouldn't care as much.

He has been trying to upsell his house to me since then. He sent me a diary he took while I was pregnant, as a sweet gesture, I guess.

I haven't responded at all to any of this. My brain is mostly in the camp of "what the F--- is he thinking?" but there is 10% of my brain that is thinking "maybe he actually isn't drinking, maybe he's okay, maybe you are sensationalizing and being paranoid, etc"

His whole M.O. the past two years has been to BE ALONE. He says he can't handle being around people for that long. When we lived together he would "go to bed" at 6:30 PM and would hole up with his ipad and do who-knows-what while I put our son to sleep. He would barely even come into the office, and would work at home, until he got reprimanded for that recently. He never really shows up at family functions unless required, and when he does, he finds some excuse to escape. Why does he think he wants to live 24/7 with someone? Does he just want someone to take care of him?

What do I do to quiet the part of my brain that is saying 'you might regret this if you say no'? This would be so much easier if I had some actual proof that he is still sick.
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Old 12-04-2019, 02:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Oh AutumnMama....

I think maybe you need to step back from the picture a bit and refocus. You may be standing a tad too close...

Almost everything you told us in your post screams, "Red Flag!" to me! Nothing in that paragraph of what he said to you over lunch sounds like a healthy man. The proof you seek is right there in his words. As well as his odd behavior at work.

Reread your post and try to imagine it is someone else relating these facts to you. Imagine if it was your sister or friend or daughter telling you these things...

Trust your instincts. Your heart and your head will screw with you, your gut will not. Deep breaths, you've got this.
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Old 12-04-2019, 03:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Maybe ask him to do drug testing? The large sums of $$ disappearing, weight loss and odd behaviors point to meth, cocaine and/or pain pill abuse to me.
But, yeah...I'd not get enmeshed any more than is necessary with him if I were you. I'm sorry you are going through this.
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Old 12-04-2019, 03:13 PM   #4 (permalink)
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my bet is on COCAINE.
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Old 12-04-2019, 03:14 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnMama View Post
This would be so much easier if I had some actual proof that he is still sick.
- withdrawing large sums of money from ATMs (he still is)
- I also am pretty sure he had a secret PO Box and he was sending things via FedEx at pretty regular intervals
- I know he takes Adderall--he has a prescription (but I don't think he has ADHD)
- has lost a ton of weight. He looks bad
- I did have a coworker confide in me that he seems "like an addict" without knowing anything about our history
- He seemed so...off... during the presentation (like jittery, nervous, losing his train of thought)
- he dipped his toe into the dating waters and realized he hates 95% of women and doesn't want to spend 5 years dating to find one of the 5% that he likes. He said he still loves me

I agree with SBM, when I was reading that it kind of all seems very odd?

Quote:
But for the most part nobody really suspects anything.
One person mentioned that he seems like an addict. So I wouldn't say that no one else suspects, most people would never say something like that.

Quote:
He said he didn't want to get married again--because his biggest 'issue' with our marriage was that he felt like he gave more into the relationship than he got out of it, and if we weren't married, he wouldn't care as much.
Well between that and the fact that he hates 95% of other women, how can you not be swept off your feet? omg.

With all of his epiphanies etc, I fail to see one thing in his plan that is of benefit to you?

He's obviously up to something, I would hate to see you getting roped in to that, whatever it is. Nothing has really changed has it aside from him not drinking (that you know of).

I wouldn't be surprised if he backed out on his offer. He doesn't sound very stable. I don't believe he is doing this out of any good intention toward you or your Son.

More will be revealed here.
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Old 12-04-2019, 03:32 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Oh...nonononono.

I am an admitted hardened old cynic, but this guy is on something, on something very expensive and is running out of options, hence the sudden epiphany. All of that is bad enough, but using your son as the reason to move in together?????? That’s just beyond beyond.

No. Please please please don’t go there.



ETA: Do a search on symptoms of Adderall addiction...
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Old 12-04-2019, 03:50 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Here, I did the search for you...

Telltale signs of Adderall abuse may include:

Being overly talkative
Loss of appetite
Unusual excitability
Social withdrawal
Financial troubles
Aggression
Sleeping for long periods of time
Secretive behavior
Exhaustion
Excessive weight loss
Memory loss
Incomplete thoughts
Relationship problems
Decline in personal hygiene
Frequently taking pills
Financial difficulties
Overworking or overconcentrating
Running out of prescriptions early
Disorientation
Mania
Impulsive behaviors

Just one possibility, of course but still...
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Old 12-04-2019, 04:02 PM   #8 (permalink)
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If I were in a similar situation, two questions I would ask myself...
1.) If they are sick, on what level would I want our relationship to be and why?
2.) If they are not sick, on what level would I want our relationship to be and why?
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Old 12-04-2019, 05:33 PM   #9 (permalink)
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No to the no no no. You got out, donít head back in!
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Old 12-04-2019, 07:21 PM   #10 (permalink)
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AutumnMama…….it sounds like a whole lot of alcohol/addictive thinking, to me.
I got dizzy, just reading it.

There is nothing that remotely sounds like recovery, to me.
He seems to know your weak points or hot buttons and he is pushing them hard----thus that 10 per cent of your brain...lol...
Do whatever you can do to keep your levity...come back and post regularly...increase your face to face support (counselor.alanon, etc)…..
Study all of the articles in the Classic Reading section, in the stickies section.
Re-read "Co-dependent No More-....

You have worked so hard to get you and your son to where you are....
So, don't run back into a burning house!

LOL...LOL...he sure knows how to give a woman a back-handed compliment, doesn't he?
translation...."I feel too lazy to find somebody else, so I will just go back to you"...…

I wonder what he did with that money that was meant for Charm School?
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Old 12-04-2019, 07:24 PM   #11 (permalink)
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If you are finding yourself considering this thing you are not comfortable with primarily because you are afraid he will take the option away from you forever, then this is not something worth considering.

If you are meant to find each other again someday--in a way that is HEALTHY and not CONDITIONAL--you will.
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Old 12-04-2019, 07:30 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
.

Well between that and the fact that he hates 95% of other women, how can you not be swept off your feet? omg.


.
This made me laugh . . . .sigh . . . this guy definitely does not sound like relationship material.

Autumn, there may be something deep in your gut whispering that you might regret saying, "no."; however I would bet good money on that place in your gut being the seat of some codependency and/or delusion. No shame in that as that is why we are all here. By all means listen to that gut just for God's sake don't dance to it!!
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Old 12-04-2019, 10:22 PM   #13 (permalink)
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So he basically gave you a business proposition, we can look at it like that.

Business A is looking to purchase Business B. (They serve the same territory, there are many redundancies and the two businesses could combine expenses/ employees)

Business B has shaky clientele, newly leased office property, and their books seem to be beset with large cash withdrawals. Because Business A is highly invested in a positive outcome (being the only business in town) Business B stills seems an attractive prospect.

Business A decides that a forensic accounting of Business B would come in handy in making the decision to acquire Business B.

Business B bails on handing over the documents becuase they just couldn't get up in time to make it to the meeting, and because they hate people.

Business A withdraws from the negotiations with Business B because they do not have enough information to make an offer or proceed.

Business B fails in a few years, and Business A watches from the sidelines and is grateful for the expanded clientele.

Good things comes to those who wait.

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Old Yesterday, 05:09 AM   #14 (permalink)
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He sounds like he's part of the 95%.
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Old Yesterday, 08:30 AM   #15 (permalink)
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This. Aderall is simply legal coke.

Don't do it. Think of your son and what this could look like for him should this not go well.

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my bet is on COCAINE.
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Old Yesterday, 12:46 PM   #16 (permalink)
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"I dated a whole bunch of women but it didn't work out to my satisfaction, and indeed I hate almost all of them, so how about you move into my place and pay half my expenses? I don't want to bother getting married because then I'd feel like I had to act like I cared about you".

How could you resist?

Easily, that's how.

Plus draining his savings and the cash withdrawals are a bad sign. There are very few things that people regularly need lots of untraceable cash for.

The description you give sounds (at the risk of armchair diagnosis) a lot like my ex about two years before his death, except for the weight loss. Jittery, can't follow conversations, twitchy, impulsive (dreams and epiphanies) etc. FWIW, my ex had a whole lot of ADD meds, and while the full medical report on his death isn't back yet, the medical examiner told me that it was "consistent with what you'd expect from a lot of cocaine use".
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Old Yesterday, 01:06 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone... these are the things I needed to hear. I know I can count on you all to be brutally honest with me And I am sure I will hear similar things from my therapist at our appointment this afternoon... haha.

I am uncomfortable actually TELLING him no, but he told me I had until next July to think about it, so maybe if I wait long enough he will forget he asked me? Ugh. I guess it beats him being a huge jerk to me.
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Old Yesterday, 01:10 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Also, a man who tells you he "hates" 95% of the women he's met? Not just "it didn't work out"? Big red flag for misogyny there.
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Old Yesterday, 01:21 PM   #19 (permalink)
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AutumnMama…...can you explain , specifically, why you are afraid/uncomfortable in telling him no"?
I realize that you two do work together....but, is there any way you can minimize how much actual contact you have with him?
I am thinking that the less, the better....

Is it possible that he will say demeaning things to you, if you actually tell him "no"? Or, that the telling him "no" will make the fact that it is over so much more final and real? Or, some other dynamic that you can explain?

I just feel like it will contribute to your peace of mind, much more, if you can understand why you are still reluctant to be direct and honest with him about your boundaries....
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Old Yesterday, 01:43 PM   #20 (permalink)
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I had another thought...you said heís been reprimanded at work, blew off a group dinner and biffed a presentation, right?

I suspect your reputation at that workplace is excellent. So if youíre back together, he may think that might give him some protection by proxy.

Honestly, everything about this benefits him with no apparent thought about you. He wouldnít even have to focus on your child during visits anymore, because youíre there.

It sounds like itís past time for some major boundaries, yes? No more joining his family for holidays, he gets the visits with your son that are court required and thatís it, you correspond only in regards to your child.

The problem with avoiding saying things that people donít want to hear is that they start to conclude weíll go along with anything.

Sending you strength and a hug...

P.S. Heís giving you crap about wanting winter clothes but thinks youíll go back to him?
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