SmallButMighty

I get that having to have this kind of discussion with him would be uncomfortable.

One of my worries would be that if you don't shut this down sooner rather then later, he may say something about the plan "to all live together again soon" to your son. That would be so very unfair to the child, but some addicts use whoever they need to, to get their needs met. I don't know him, but you do, do you think there is any chance he might do that?

Co-parenting with an addict is such a challenge.

AnvilheadII

I am uncomfortable actually TELLING him no, but he told me I had until next July to think about it, so maybe if I wait long enough he will forget he asked me? Ugh. I guess it beats him being a huge jerk to me.

and what is so special about next JULY that that is HIS drop dead date? and i mean really.........you guys had a family home, upon separation you sold that home. you moved into an apartment. he turned around and bought another house?? and now, oh so magnanimously, is inviting you to move back in??? what was wrong with the first house? why didn't he let you keep it? why is he now suddenly "inviting" you to move back in?

yeah - this whole schtick of his is suspect and i assume being done for HIS perceived benefit. i'm not sure why you are uncomfortable telling another adult NO, but it is not in your best interest to string this along.

AutumnMama

After your responses I have been thinking about why I am afraid to tell him no.

Other than me just being someone who is very avoidant of any sort of confrontation... haha... I can't come up with a good reason. He already says backhanded crap to me and I've gotten used to letting it roll of (or if it's really good, sending a copy of the text to my friends and having them commiserate in what an a-hole he is! haha)

He doesn't help me with anything on a regular basis. Sometimes he will move things for me with his truck. Sometimes he will give me a ride somewhere. But I don't RELY on any of that.

He doesn't give me any extra money.

So there isn't really any huge downside to telling him NO. I think my fear is maybe just of the unknown (uncontrollable) effects. Maybe he goes nuts and starts sleeping around and bringing women around our son. Maybe he gets mad and goes back to court to try to get our son more often. Maybe he turns his parents against me. I recognize that these things aren't rational.

Am I afraid of closing the door FOREVER on our relationship? A little. That small part of my brain that even considered the possibility of moving in with him remembers how happy we were before he turned into whatever person he is right now. It's the inner 4 year old dreaming of getting mommy and daddy back together and having a ~perfect life~.

I talked to my therapist yesterday. She was almost at a lack of words for how to respond to me. She said she has heard a lot, but that she hadn't heard of someone doing that before. She said I could ask him where this is all coming from if I wanted... maybe just for my own curiosity. Like--hey buddy, you wrote me a 6 page letter about how you needed to be alone and live alone for forever, but now you... don't?

Ariesagain

Your therapist didn’t leap on the chair screaming “OHDEARGODNO!!!” at the top of her lungs?

I applaud her self-control!

You can ask him. You’re going to get a bunch of self-obsessed lies and half-truths.

It seems from here that he gets you to move in, pay his mortgage, take care of your child, do all those icky things like cooking, cleaning and paying bills on time while he gets to do whatever he wants whenever he wants because hey, you’re not married. So he’s free to use whatever substance he’s on, has far fewer responsibilities and more free cash, oh, and if he doesn’t try to sleep with you in the first 48 hours I’ll eat my left shoe. It’s not even FWB, more like unpaid nanny/housekeeper with benefits.

He’s pretty far gone if he thinks you’re not smart enough to see through this.

Oh and since you’re not married, he may well bring one or more of those elusive 5% women around anyway...or threaten to any time you ask him to do anything.

trailmix

I think it's money, after reading what Ariesagain said.

In actually thinking about that, it makes perfect sense (to me). He needs money so he could get a roommate or a "partner" to perhaps cover half the expenses, but THAT is a hassle and who knows who he might end up with?

You, on the other hand, are a known entity. Wouldn't we all prefer to live with someone we know vs someone we don't?

As for the therapist:

I'm going to say this is more about her curiosity than yours? lol

While I "get" it and I might ask too, all you are going to get is quacking alcoholic talk back.

As for the "no" well sometimes those fears are real, but many times they are not. You have spent YEARS smoothing things over, that's not an easy thing to change (but it can be). How about trying saying no a few times to a few things. Sometimes we have to test the waters of our boundaries to erase that fear.

SparkleKitty

NYCDoglvr

It might help to read your post out loud.....sometimes that when we can "hear" the red flags. You already have proof he can't handle a relationship of any kind. One of my favorite sayings "a leopard doesn't change his spots". It is what it is.