How can I get back to normal?

Old 09-24-2019, 01:50 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 63
How can I get back to normal?

After my fiancť broke up our engagement just few weeks ago, I am having the hardest time reaching out to my friends and family. Because of his drinking problem ďweĒ both stopped going out and meeting our friends since there was always alcohol involved, we wouldnít go out anymore so he didnít have to see alcohol. This was all his idea and I thought I was a good idea to stay away from it. I asked for us to choose some of our friends and tell them about the problem so they could support us, he refused. Well consequently I havenít seen most of my friends in over 2 years, I kept in touch but always said things were good and I was too busy with work. I feel embarrassed to call my friends and tell them what I was going through, I donít wanna them to think that I am using them for support just because my world felt apart and I wanna company or someone to vent.
Anybody has been through some thing similar, what did you do? I am seeing a therapist and going to al-anon, also Iíve been following this group and is helping a lot, a few days agir I finally decided to post and the reply I got was so comforting. Besides that Iím suffering on my own.
Nara is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Nara For This Useful Post:
HardLessons (09-24-2019), trailmix (09-24-2019)
Old 09-24-2019, 02:29 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 296
Jesus.. They're not your mates if they don't support you when your world fell apart. Reach out, god dammit do not isolate yourself right now. Now is the time for hugs, cuddles and that loving look from a friend who's so relieved you got away from that pissant. You'll find out very soon who is actually a friend. But you may find some mates drift away. Sometimes it's too close to the bone. Sometimes they're not ready to deal with your issues cos they're still denying theirs.

I've got closer to strangers and lost some of my dearest. You change when you say no more to something. You start to expect better. You'll find new friendships now perfectly aligned with you getting better.

And you have us. And we've all been through it. You're not alone my love. You'll get through this.

{Virtual hugs, hot chocolate, cookies, ice cream, spa, massage, manicure, walk in the forest, laughing so hard you wet yourself.**
Milano58 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Milano58 For This Useful Post:
HardLessons (09-24-2019), Healingbegins (09-25-2019), Mika28 (09-27-2019)
Old 09-24-2019, 02:44 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
ironwill's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 425

You need to contact your friends, Just be honest with them and don't worry that you think your using them for support. I have a friend I hadn't called in years and was also nervous to him for help. But when I did reach out to him and told him the issues I was going through he didn't blink an eye and wanted to help me even if it was just to listen to me vent. You will feel a lot better just talking with someone. If you ever need someone to talk to you can always come here. We are here for you. Be strong.
ironwill is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to ironwill For This Useful Post:
HardLessons (09-24-2019)
Old 09-24-2019, 05:05 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
I know what youíre going thru. I just recently kicked out my AH and decided to tell my family what was going on in my life. Everyone kinda knew he drank a lot but no one knew just how bad it is. I find it extremely hard to talk about, Iím a very private person. So yes I dont have really any outside friends, only family. I also secluded ourselves for fear people would see the real him. Im finding the more I open up the better I feel, almost like itís becoming realer (if that makes sense) like this has/is happening to me and Iím ready to own it.
Iím sorry your feeling alone but you are definitely not alone here! Your story just like everyone I read gives me some level of comfort just knowing Iím not alone in this great big thing we call life ☀️
FarmhouseGal is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to FarmhouseGal For This Useful Post:
trailmix (09-24-2019)
Old 09-24-2019, 06:05 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 36
I'm in the same boat (or ship!), and haven't been able to share what's been going on with any of my friends. I'm just embarrassed, I guess. But it was liberating finally telling my family. It was like a weight came off. And it was really lovely to see them step up, roll up their sleeves, and help however I needed it. Of course my family did that; that's what people who love and respect each other do. And that's the thing--living with my AH, I became conditioned not to expect support, not to get support, basically I didn't count at all. I didn't realize how much I missed and needed real emotional support. And it's been great to have that in my life again. But it wouldn't have come unless I had sucked up my pride and been honest about what was going on. Now, if I could only do that with my friends! Baby steps, I guess. Maybe pick one person you trust, and start there? You will feel a little bit better, I promise. And you deserve that!
righttheship is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to righttheship For This Useful Post:
trailmix (09-24-2019)
Old 09-24-2019, 06:29 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Dazedandconfus's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
All I can say is if you get away and just focus on yourself, things become SO much better for you. I too was in the depths with an A. I ran away from home and have only been focusing on me, and I canít begin to tell you how wonderful I feel and look. You simply have to separate yourself and focus just on you. One day at a time.
Dazedandconfus is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Dazedandconfus For This Useful Post:
trailmix (09-24-2019)
Old 09-24-2019, 07:24 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Thlayli's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
I was just telling my mother about this. I'm still reeling a bit from AH leaving but I'm realizing how much I wasn't living my life because of him. I've been lucky because my friends still invite me places - but I would do what you did and just not go to support my non-drinking husband or just go briefly and come home so I could be with him. I've started accepting invitations and sometimes asking people what they're doing and if I can pile on. I've never been shy about what's going on with anyone in my social circles and have found that people are very open and want to be there for support.

And like Milano said...if they don't, they're not your mates. Which reminds me of a funny bit from The Full Monty which I'm pasting here b/c it makes me laugh. It's a great movie if you need a bit of distraction.
Dave : [discussing possible means of suicide] I know. You could stand in middle of road and have a mate run smack into you right fast.

Lomper : Haven't got any mates...

Gary 'Gaz' Schofield : Listen to you, we just saved your ******* life so don't tell us we're not your mates, all right?

Lomper : Really?

Gary 'Gaz' Schofield : Yeah.

Lomper : Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Dave : Yeah, me and all, I'd run ya down as soon as look at ya.

Lomper : Oh aye? Cheers.

Now go call your friends/mates and keep us posted
Thlayli is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Thlayli For This Useful Post:
trailmix (09-25-2019)
Old 09-25-2019, 09:43 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
trailmix's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 6,561
It can be hard to come out of that isolation. Start with your safest connections, your family then work your way out as you start feeling more comfortable.

People are much kinder than you imagine (not all, but most). The fact that they are your friends means that they like you and most of all that you like them - so they must be good people right?

Reverse the situation, what if one of your girlfriends was in a messy relationship and kind of dropped out of all social things for a couple of years and then called you out of the blue today. Would you stop and listen to her and welcome her back in to the world or would you hold some resentment?

Personally I would be happy to hear from the person and know they had their freedom from the isolation. No need to spill all the beans in the first phone call - maybe a simple, that relationship was much worse than I talked about - would suffice. Then when you meet up for dinner or whatever you can have a discussion.

So, perhaps don't think so negatively about your friends and family, they care about you.
trailmix is online now  
Old 09-25-2019, 10:05 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 62
I did the exact same thing. I put my long time friends off, made a ton of excuses to not do things with them. Eventually they quit asking me. As soon as I moved, I apologized to them for shutting them out. Each and every one understood. Just let them know you need them.
Healingbegins is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Healingbegins For This Useful Post:
trailmix (09-25-2019)
Old 09-25-2019, 10:06 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 62
And, in a month, with my gained confidence, I have actually made a couple of new friends. You would be surprised how many people want to connect with you. Just have to open up.
Healingbegins is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Healingbegins For This Useful Post:
trailmix (09-25-2019)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:11 PM.