That escalated quick
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Join Date: Sep 2019
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That escalated quick
So I posted for the first time earlier today. I had had enough. I never thought things would escalate so quickly. It’s been going on for years and boom. So I guess tonight was the night. He said he was done fighting and I needed to get a lawyer and end things. So I guess things were answered. Of course I got the blame for everything. I’m the reason he drinks. I have drove him to be an alcoholic. Yada yada yada. I feel like there’s more to it. Like another woman or something. Cause he’s never been one to quit. And not fight at all about me taking the kids. But tomorrow I am packing up and going to stay with my mom. I did hit record on my phone and got the whole 3 hour lecture of how I’m a psycho. He gets mad because I have no input. Then when I do tell him how I feel. He says I am stupid. I am so sad for my kids. I just pray that they will be ok thru this. My daughter has really bad anxiety. I thought him saying it would make it easy. But this will be so hard.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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clowery, first of all I know you are probably in a bit of shock (at least) and hurt.. I'm sorry this is happening.
As an aside, when you visit sober recovery, do you use a shared laptop or PC, or your phone? Just wondering if it's possible he saw your post or if you used your phone perhaps not, if he doesn't have access to your browsing history, just a thought.
Anyway, I'm so glad you have a safe place to go. It's not going to be easy I'm sure but this going to be a new beginning for you and your children and may be just what you need (although it may not feel like it right now).
Hang in there.
As an aside, when you visit sober recovery, do you use a shared laptop or PC, or your phone? Just wondering if it's possible he saw your post or if you used your phone perhaps not, if he doesn't have access to your browsing history, just a thought.
Anyway, I'm so glad you have a safe place to go. It's not going to be easy I'm sure but this going to be a new beginning for you and your children and may be just what you need (although it may not feel like it right now).
Hang in there.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 471
You are not in any way to blame for his drinking unless you sedated him and poured it down a tube into his stomach. Its possible he has someone else but if so...good luck to them. Its just a diversion for him so he can feel better and get validation for his behaviour.
What a horrible shock.
You and your kids will get through this. Just keep being a good parent and showing them love.
What a horrible shock.
You and your kids will get through this. Just keep being a good parent and showing them love.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by trailmix 
clowery, first of all I know you are probably in a bit of shock (at least) and hurt.. I'm sorry this is happening.
As an aside, when you visit sober recovery, do you use a shared laptop or PC, or your phone? Just wondering if it's possible he saw your post or if you used your phone perhaps not, if he doesn't have access to your browsing history, just a thought.
Anyway, I'm so glad you have a safe place to go. It's not going to be easy I'm sure but this going to be a new beginning for you and your children and may be just what you need (although it may not feel like it right now).
Hang in there.
As an aside, when you visit sober recovery, do you use a shared laptop or PC, or your phone? Just wondering if it's possible he saw your post or if you used your phone perhaps not, if he doesn't have access to your browsing history, just a thought.
Anyway, I'm so glad you have a safe place to go. It's not going to be easy I'm sure but this going to be a new beginning for you and your children and may be just what you need (although it may not feel like it right now).
Hang in there.
you would think think he was inside my brain. Lol. I posted from my phone. He has absolutely no access to it. We don’t share a plan and it is kept on me all the time.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
I have woke up this morning feeling so scared. Is it going to be like all other times where he will just act like nothing has happened. Can I really stay strong and not give in again like I always have in the past. Then I questioned maybe I am a crappy wife and he felt so depressed. He had to turn to drinking. So sad.
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you will be in my thoughts today. I can only imagine how hard it is, with children to look after (never had the guts to have 'em, myself)
Think about the lessons you are going to teach them, about deserving a partner who is emotionally available, courteous, respectful, and responsible. You'll be teaching your daughter it's reasonable to expect these things.
Think about the lessons you are going to teach them, about deserving a partner who is emotionally available, courteous, respectful, and responsible. You'll be teaching your daughter it's reasonable to expect these things.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Good morning, clowery,
I'm sorry! I know the pain of divorce, and it hurts--a lot.
You, however, are not responsible for the fact that he drinks too much. That's all on him. You aren't powerful enough to get him to stop. Why on earth would you be powerful enough to get him to stop.
Take a deep breath, grab a box of tissues, and do what needs to be done for yourself and your children--just today. Just think about what needs to be done today. You can handle tomorrow when it gets here.
I'm sorry! I know the pain of divorce, and it hurts--a lot.
You, however, are not responsible for the fact that he drinks too much. That's all on him. You aren't powerful enough to get him to stop. Why on earth would you be powerful enough to get him to stop.
Take a deep breath, grab a box of tissues, and do what needs to be done for yourself and your children--just today. Just think about what needs to be done today. You can handle tomorrow when it gets here.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
Hi clowery
First off your story on your 1st post and this one are similar to mine. I recently first posted in this group too and immediately thought “what have I done” 🙈 But I soon came to realize after gaining new insights and knowledge from this great group of people that I AM NOT ALONE. It helped me so much just to tell someone my story and things started coming into better perspective for me. To me, IMO...now is the time to act! Don’t overthink it, just go! I too have children that I worry about and yes they realize exactly what’s happening. You need to tell your parents what’s going on. It was a huge relief when I told my family recently and you’ll be surprised how good it will feel to be able to stop hiding, covering up and all the other crazy things we do to protect ourselves and AH’s. Your children are your #1 priority ❤️ They need to feel safe and please please open up a conversation with them about how they are feeling. My son loves his AF but it surprised me when he started really sharing with me all the times I thought I did such a great job of “covering” for his father and my son knew all along.
Do the best you can today and aim for a better tomorrow
Best Wishes ☀️
First off your story on your 1st post and this one are similar to mine. I recently first posted in this group too and immediately thought “what have I done” 🙈 But I soon came to realize after gaining new insights and knowledge from this great group of people that I AM NOT ALONE. It helped me so much just to tell someone my story and things started coming into better perspective for me. To me, IMO...now is the time to act! Don’t overthink it, just go! I too have children that I worry about and yes they realize exactly what’s happening. You need to tell your parents what’s going on. It was a huge relief when I told my family recently and you’ll be surprised how good it will feel to be able to stop hiding, covering up and all the other crazy things we do to protect ourselves and AH’s. Your children are your #1 priority ❤️ They need to feel safe and please please open up a conversation with them about how they are feeling. My son loves his AF but it surprised me when he started really sharing with me all the times I thought I did such a great job of “covering” for his father and my son knew all along.
Do the best you can today and aim for a better tomorrow
Best Wishes ☀️
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Clowery I am sorry you are going through this difficult time, but I
would say, don't underestimate your abilities to handle the changes.
That you had the sense of mind to record the 3 hour diatribe speaks
volumes to me about how you CAN handle adversity with a clear
head. Family can be a good resource - the people you can trust and
who won't gossip. Alanon and a counselor can help now too.
One day at a time. And a lawyer to understand your rights and
how to proceed.
would say, don't underestimate your abilities to handle the changes.
That you had the sense of mind to record the 3 hour diatribe speaks
volumes to me about how you CAN handle adversity with a clear
head. Family can be a good resource - the people you can trust and
who won't gossip. Alanon and a counselor can help now too.
One day at a time. And a lawyer to understand your rights and
how to proceed.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Clowery,
First off stop and take several deep breaths, I know you are hurting and in pain from everything that has happened to you not just in the last 24 hours but possible for years. You are also not a crappy wife. I'm sure throughout the years you told him he needed help. You stood by him, he was/is the love of your life. You also took care of his kids. You are not to blame for his drinking and becoming this way. Like Wombaticus said you didn't pour it down his throat. This tells me you tried your hardest to be the best wife you could. He is going to try and tear you down. That is the alcohol talking, it is not the man you feel in love with. He needs to get help. Until he realizes that you need to look after yourself and the kids. I'm glad you have a safe place to stay while all this happening. Do go see a lawyer and protect yourself. You are stronger then you realize and with time the pain will get lessen. I hope you can find some joy today. We are always here for you if you need it.
First off stop and take several deep breaths, I know you are hurting and in pain from everything that has happened to you not just in the last 24 hours but possible for years. You are also not a crappy wife. I'm sure throughout the years you told him he needed help. You stood by him, he was/is the love of your life. You also took care of his kids. You are not to blame for his drinking and becoming this way. Like Wombaticus said you didn't pour it down his throat. This tells me you tried your hardest to be the best wife you could. He is going to try and tear you down. That is the alcohol talking, it is not the man you feel in love with. He needs to get help. Until he realizes that you need to look after yourself and the kids. I'm glad you have a safe place to stay while all this happening. Do go see a lawyer and protect yourself. You are stronger then you realize and with time the pain will get lessen. I hope you can find some joy today. We are always here for you if you need it.
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Originally Posted by Seren
How are you feeling today, clowery?
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Typical alcoholic behavior. Alcoholics do anything to not stop drinking, including blaming others. Did you tie him down and force him to drink? If you can accept that you're powerless over him and his disease then it's time to take care of you and your children....here's where your power lies. Continuing to engage with him only increases frustration and anger. A very big hug!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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clowery…..perhaps, for now, it would be best not to meet or talk with him alone--just one on one....It might be a better idea to meet with him in a public place with another person as an onlooker---when you finally do have to talk with him.....
that way, you will have a witness to everything that is said....and, it would tend to temper his behavior...…
If you are worried that you will "cave" to him.....make that list of every bad thing that has happened to you in the relationship that has made you feel bad and dishonored. and keep that list with you at all times. It will help you from having "selective recall"......
that way, you will have a witness to everything that is said....and, it would tend to temper his behavior...…
If you are worried that you will "cave" to him.....make that list of every bad thing that has happened to you in the relationship that has made you feel bad and dishonored. and keep that list with you at all times. It will help you from having "selective recall"......
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Originally Posted by clowery0508
I am doing ok. My kids and I stayed at my parents house last night. The kids talked to their dad. I did not. His mother did call me and he came to visit her. Of course he was drinking and he told her he had a problem. He has agreed to her to go and talk with her pastor. So we will see if he really does that. But so far I am good. Don’t know how I will be when I actually do have to see or talk with him
Up to you of course but taking time to get out of the fog is very important. By engaging with him or his family you are staying in the craziness? Right now, distance is your friend. Detaching.
How can you heal if you don't start taking the baby steps toward that. I know, seems painful and it is, separating yourself from someone is hurtful to you. That's one big reason why people stay in unhappy situations (amongst others).
So how about taking some time to focus on yourself for a change and let him do - whatever it is he needs to do.
Is it going to be like all other times where he will just act like nothing has happened. Can I really stay strong and not give in again like I always have in the past. Then I questioned maybe I am a crappy wife and he felt so depressed. He had to turn to drinking. So sad.
You being a "crappy wife" is simply not true, is it? You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, can't Cure it. Keep that in mind. He is a grown man and his choices are his choices.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Quick jumbled input: (been here and saying from experience)
Stay holed up at your parents for a while, let the cloudiness lift and the shock wear off. Talk to him through your attorney, and anyone on his side (his mother) is now his business.
You handle the kids and put your parents to work as buffers/bouncers for when he calls/texts. The way he treats you is not ok and not just about alcohol.
You can do this, you have been doing more than necessary living with this AH, you will excel without him causing doubt and chaos in your family home.
Stay holed up at your parents for a while, let the cloudiness lift and the shock wear off. Talk to him through your attorney, and anyone on his side (his mother) is now his business.
You handle the kids and put your parents to work as buffers/bouncers for when he calls/texts. The way he treats you is not ok and not just about alcohol.
You can do this, you have been doing more than necessary living with this AH, you will excel without him causing doubt and chaos in your family home.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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clowery…...alcoholics love to blame others for their alcoholism---especially their partners. He is placing the "blame" on your shoulders. Please don't join him in that!
However perfect or imperfect that you might be---you didn't make him into an alcoholic. That comes from inside him.
Your self esteem may be near the bottom, right now---but, that will start to change as you take back your own power....and, alanon will help you with that...as well as continuing to learn about how alcoholism works.....and, learning about yourself...more self understanding and self awareness.....
However perfect or imperfect that you might be---you didn't make him into an alcoholic. That comes from inside him.
Your self esteem may be near the bottom, right now---but, that will start to change as you take back your own power....and, alanon will help you with that...as well as continuing to learn about how alcoholism works.....and, learning about yourself...more self understanding and self awareness.....
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 62
I hope you are still out of this situation. Of course there was no fight for the kids. A person with an alcohol problem can have the title of parent but doesn't mean they want the responsibility. You won't get a fight about that until child support is brought up. Just a heads up. 
Stick to your guns. You have been their support, there are plenty of jobs out there to be had, even if you have 2 for awhile, you have a supportive family. It will not be like this forever. It is just to get you started. Don't worry too much about the future and what could happen. It will hold you back and put fear in you. ONE DAY AT A TIME. Opportunities will pop up for you. You can do this and you will be a better person and better mom for it. Hugs.
Stick to your guns. You have been their support, there are plenty of jobs out there to be had, even if you have 2 for awhile, you have a supportive family. It will not be like this forever. It is just to get you started. Don't worry too much about the future and what could happen. It will hold you back and put fear in you. ONE DAY AT A TIME. Opportunities will pop up for you. You can do this and you will be a better person and better mom for it. Hugs.
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