I’m sorry but..... I’m scared.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Ohio
Posts: 46
Ok... so you guys are positive this will escalate? I know I’m in denial stage. It seems I have currently lost all my motivation and determination since things have turned to getting basically punched in the face.
I think it’s because now I’m scared, whereas before I was just hurt and sad. Now it’s a fear thing. My level of confidence has completely plummeted and Im not sure I have the strength to deal with this.
I'm going to need help. I know my dad would come here and completely go off, probably not in a good legal way either. He’s very protective of his daughters. How do I bother him though? He has cancer. I can’t. My mom is dealing with him and has her own troubles. My sister, no.... her husband would be here in a heartbeat if I asked. He’s taken my son and I under his wing since my divorce, but I struggle asking for help, period.
Especially this. I’m going to look like the biggest jackass. I probably look and sound like one to you guys as well. I spend as little time as humanly possibly with him and around him. I barely see him anymore, unless he finds me and tries to talk which I guess is far too often. So now I find myself trying to be gone from the home if all the work is done for the day or time being.
I finally contacted his family today and told them I needed help. I explained what happened and their of course sorry, but then I hear “I don’t want him moving back in with my parents - they don’t need that”. So that then puts the guilt on me, knowing full well kicking his sorry self out, he will move right back there.
I know I can’t care, and I don’t. He’s not my problem. But I was still somewhat astounded by their response.
I’m going to have to have him removed from my home.... i know. I’m scared for my or sons safety if I do. They say someone with nothing to lose is dangerous. He has nothing to lose.
I think it’s because now I’m scared, whereas before I was just hurt and sad. Now it’s a fear thing. My level of confidence has completely plummeted and Im not sure I have the strength to deal with this.
I'm going to need help. I know my dad would come here and completely go off, probably not in a good legal way either. He’s very protective of his daughters. How do I bother him though? He has cancer. I can’t. My mom is dealing with him and has her own troubles. My sister, no.... her husband would be here in a heartbeat if I asked. He’s taken my son and I under his wing since my divorce, but I struggle asking for help, period.
Especially this. I’m going to look like the biggest jackass. I probably look and sound like one to you guys as well. I spend as little time as humanly possibly with him and around him. I barely see him anymore, unless he finds me and tries to talk which I guess is far too often. So now I find myself trying to be gone from the home if all the work is done for the day or time being.
I finally contacted his family today and told them I needed help. I explained what happened and their of course sorry, but then I hear “I don’t want him moving back in with my parents - they don’t need that”. So that then puts the guilt on me, knowing full well kicking his sorry self out, he will move right back there.
I know I can’t care, and I don’t. He’s not my problem. But I was still somewhat astounded by their response.
I’m going to have to have him removed from my home.... i know. I’m scared for my or sons safety if I do. They say someone with nothing to lose is dangerous. He has nothing to lose.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Ohio
Posts: 46
Sorry this was supposed to say I’m scared for my son and I’s safety if I DONT have him removed.
Its going to happen. i just need to know what will happen when I do... what typically happens? Do they go away and never hear from them again? Do they come crawling back? Do they seek revenge? What do I need to watch for.
He knows how to get in my windows - I have locked him out before when he’s being super nasty and uncontrollable- I’ve locked all my doors and thought windows, but he still gets in somehow. I don’t know how and I don’t know what window bc I’ve never caught him in the act, but I know it’s the window bc one he’s admitted it and 2 my doors are locked and we don’t have keys. We come in the house with garage opener.
Ugh. This is why I’m worried. What if he comes back for revenge? Restraining orders are good, but you can break them long enough to hurt or kill someone,
Its going to happen. i just need to know what will happen when I do... what typically happens? Do they go away and never hear from them again? Do they come crawling back? Do they seek revenge? What do I need to watch for.
He knows how to get in my windows - I have locked him out before when he’s being super nasty and uncontrollable- I’ve locked all my doors and thought windows, but he still gets in somehow. I don’t know how and I don’t know what window bc I’ve never caught him in the act, but I know it’s the window bc one he’s admitted it and 2 my doors are locked and we don’t have keys. We come in the house with garage opener.
Ugh. This is why I’m worried. What if he comes back for revenge? Restraining orders are good, but you can break them long enough to hurt or kill someone,
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Sometimes family members can help, sometimes not. That is what the hotline and other resources are there for. To help you, guide you, just talk to you one-on-one if and when you need it.
I can't begin to imagine how scared you must be. And you didn't just "basically get punched in the face".
You were punched in the face.
Your husband punched you in the face.
There is nothing OK about that.
You did nothing to deserve that.
Please let people help you!
I can't begin to imagine how scared you must be. And you didn't just "basically get punched in the face".
You were punched in the face.
Your husband punched you in the face.
There is nothing OK about that.
You did nothing to deserve that.
Please let people help you!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Please let your family help you. Please call the female police officer who gave you her contact information. These are the people who can help you, not his family. The fact that they don't want him back is not your problem. This cretin enjoys hurting you! You have to do whatever is necessary to get him out of your home.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Get a security system that goes off if a window is opened?
Honestly, talk to your lawyer but the easiest way out may be to give him some drinking money and the title of that car (which you’re going to lose anyway if he keeps driving it) in exchange for getting out and staying out, as you don’t want to involve your family. (Although kicking a jerk out of his daughter’s life might be just what your dad needs...feeling useful is great medicine.) Your brother-in-law and several of his bigger friends might also be helpful?
I am going to say it again...your “boyfriend” is a sadist. He enjoys being cruel to you...it’s a high. It will get worse, unless you get “lucky” and he destroys his health to the point where you’ll be stuck with a nasty invalid instead.
At some point, embarrassment is moot. Especially as your son has a front row seat here.
Gear up, get your posse, and boot him to the door.
P.S. A large serious dog might also be helpful..
Honestly, talk to your lawyer but the easiest way out may be to give him some drinking money and the title of that car (which you’re going to lose anyway if he keeps driving it) in exchange for getting out and staying out, as you don’t want to involve your family. (Although kicking a jerk out of his daughter’s life might be just what your dad needs...feeling useful is great medicine.) Your brother-in-law and several of his bigger friends might also be helpful?
I am going to say it again...your “boyfriend” is a sadist. He enjoys being cruel to you...it’s a high. It will get worse, unless you get “lucky” and he destroys his health to the point where you’ll be stuck with a nasty invalid instead.
At some point, embarrassment is moot. Especially as your son has a front row seat here.
Gear up, get your posse, and boot him to the door.
P.S. A large serious dog might also be helpful..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Others may give more solid advice — but, personally... I would stay clear from contacting or dealing with his family. That’s HIS family to deal with... not your responsibility and honestly, it could just make things worse.
Your focus should be on you, your safety, and your game plan. I think you may need to think of a plan B besides living in that house filled with constant fear and anxiety. If you’re terrified of him breaking in (as you clearly stated)... you really need to brainstorm alternative living places (even if temporary). Living in that much fear is absolutely no way to live!
Your focus should be on you, your safety, and your game plan. I think you may need to think of a plan B besides living in that house filled with constant fear and anxiety. If you’re terrified of him breaking in (as you clearly stated)... you really need to brainstorm alternative living places (even if temporary). Living in that much fear is absolutely no way to live!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
No one can tell you how he will react once he has been thrown out/asked to leave, that's why you need to contact the police and get a restraining order.
Have your windows secured, change the code on the garage opener and lock it down from inside every night - or disable it at night.
You are asking if it will escalate, it already is.
Do you want him out of control inside your house or outside your house? He is physically and mentally abusing you, time for action. Please don't worry about his family or him for one minute. You're worried that he will be their problem?
Did they spare a thought for you? No and he is their blood relative. Do you know why? Because they know him and they know to keep him away, they want nothing to do with him.
Perhaps, once the restraining order is in place your Son can stay with you for a bit, or you can rent out a room? Alternately you can rent out a room in town to stay the night at.
Have your windows secured, change the code on the garage opener and lock it down from inside every night - or disable it at night.
You are asking if it will escalate, it already is.
Do you want him out of control inside your house or outside your house? He is physically and mentally abusing you, time for action. Please don't worry about his family or him for one minute. You're worried that he will be their problem?
Did they spare a thought for you? No and he is their blood relative. Do you know why? Because they know him and they know to keep him away, they want nothing to do with him.
Perhaps, once the restraining order is in place your Son can stay with you for a bit, or you can rent out a room? Alternately you can rent out a room in town to stay the night at.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lost...….the way I see it, from what you have shared....the police lady and your brother in law sound like your most concrete resources....(the police lady will know of the dv services, locally, to hook you up with)…..Your brother in law sounds like he would be able and willing to give him a "send off"....
Not wanting to ask anyone for help is just your ego talking....there are times in everybody's life that they need to ask for help...everyone....You are n ot above needing help.....It is not a sign of weakness...it is a sign of resourcefulness and pluckiness to do so, when you need it....
A sign of a Survivor is, sometimes,the ability to know when to ask for help....
There ARE solutions for this...there always are....so, I suggest that you let the p olice lady , your brother in law, the dv resources----all put their heads together and guide you through this.....
After he has been given the boot.....then, you can get someone who will stay on the farm, with you.....
Once you get him out of there, and back on his own territory, somewhere, he doesn't sound like he is the type to have the resources to come back around....due to being too drunk and too penniless, etc....and, he will need his energy to be working another enabler.....
Drastic situations sometimes call of decisive, drastic actions...and the willingness to do some thing that you might not even want to.....
Not wanting to ask anyone for help is just your ego talking....there are times in everybody's life that they need to ask for help...everyone....You are n ot above needing help.....It is not a sign of weakness...it is a sign of resourcefulness and pluckiness to do so, when you need it....
A sign of a Survivor is, sometimes,the ability to know when to ask for help....
There ARE solutions for this...there always are....so, I suggest that you let the p olice lady , your brother in law, the dv resources----all put their heads together and guide you through this.....
After he has been given the boot.....then, you can get someone who will stay on the farm, with you.....
Once you get him out of there, and back on his own territory, somewhere, he doesn't sound like he is the type to have the resources to come back around....due to being too drunk and too penniless, etc....and, he will need his energy to be working another enabler.....
Drastic situations sometimes call of decisive, drastic actions...and the willingness to do some thing that you might not even want to.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
It seems I have currently lost all my motivation and determination since things have turned to getting basically punched in the face.
You're scared. I would be too. I would want to bury myself in bed and never get up.
But every day, we wake up. We breathe. We walk. We eat. Sometimes you just get to a point where just existing is an act of bravery.
I suspect that even though you feel that every breath you draw in brings in fear, you have been braver than you've ever given yourself credit for. You're posting here. You've assessed in your head the resources you already have at your disposal, and you're willing to search for more. So many people can't even get to this stage.
I'm not going to tell you what you should do because I think deep down in your heart, you know what your next steps are. You don't actually have to feel brave while doing them. You have every right to feel scared and weak and humbled, (and those are feelings you should never be ashamed of).
I know that when I was being abused as a child, I started fighting back when I realized that I was past feeling afraid. And even though I felt ridiculous and even downright silly sometimes (I, too, wondered if I was making too much of things), looking back, it was the best thing I ever did for myself. You'll get there too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Originally Posted by Lost4Now 
Ok... so you guys are positive this will escalate? I know I’m in denial stage. It seems I have currently lost all my motivation and determination since things have turned to getting basically punched in the face.
I think it’s because now I’m scared, whereas before I was just hurt and sad. Now it’s a fear thing. My level of confidence has completely plummeted and Im not sure I have the strength to deal with this.
I'm going to need help. I know my dad would come here and completely go off, probably not in a good legal way either. He’s very protective of his daughters. How do I bother him though? He has cancer. I can’t. My mom is dealing with him and has her own troubles. My sister, no.... her husband would be here in a heartbeat if I asked. He’s taken my son and I under his wing since my divorce, but I struggle asking for help, period.
Especially this. I’m going to look like the biggest jackass. I probably look and sound like one to you guys as well. I spend as little time as humanly possibly with him and around him. I barely see him anymore, unless he finds me and tries to talk which I guess is far too often. So now I find myself trying to be gone from the home if all the work is done for the day or time being.
I finally contacted his family today and told them I needed help. I explained what happened and their of course sorry, but then I hear “I don’t want him moving back in with my parents - they don’t need that”. So that then puts the guilt on me, knowing full well kicking his sorry self out, he will move right back there.
I know I can’t care, and I don’t. He’s not my problem. But I was still somewhat astounded by their response.
I’m going to have to have him removed from my home.... i know. I’m scared for my or sons safety if I do. They say someone with nothing to lose is dangerous. He has nothing to lose.
I think it’s because now I’m scared, whereas before I was just hurt and sad. Now it’s a fear thing. My level of confidence has completely plummeted and Im not sure I have the strength to deal with this.
I'm going to need help. I know my dad would come here and completely go off, probably not in a good legal way either. He’s very protective of his daughters. How do I bother him though? He has cancer. I can’t. My mom is dealing with him and has her own troubles. My sister, no.... her husband would be here in a heartbeat if I asked. He’s taken my son and I under his wing since my divorce, but I struggle asking for help, period.
Especially this. I’m going to look like the biggest jackass. I probably look and sound like one to you guys as well. I spend as little time as humanly possibly with him and around him. I barely see him anymore, unless he finds me and tries to talk which I guess is far too often. So now I find myself trying to be gone from the home if all the work is done for the day or time being.
I finally contacted his family today and told them I needed help. I explained what happened and their of course sorry, but then I hear “I don’t want him moving back in with my parents - they don’t need that”. So that then puts the guilt on me, knowing full well kicking his sorry self out, he will move right back there.
I know I can’t care, and I don’t. He’s not my problem. But I was still somewhat astounded by their response.
I’m going to have to have him removed from my home.... i know. I’m scared for my or sons safety if I do. They say someone with nothing to lose is dangerous. He has nothing to lose.
Lost4Now,
You are not a jackass nor should you feel embarrassed by what has happened in your life. "You didn't cause it", He is the jackass that has destroyed the life you had dreamed of. He is the one that needs help. Until that happens and he keeps drinking it will only get worse.
"You can't control it". You need get in touch with your family members or the helpful lady that gave you her number. There is no telling what he is capable of. If he is willing to slam you into a dash for fun and hit you. It could easily escalate from there. In his mind he has gotten away with it so it's ok to do it again. You can only control you self. I know you feel lost and weak. but you are far from that. You are hear asking for help. That shows you are strong and that you want your life to go in a better direction. For that you need to put you faith in the people that will help (your sister or the kind woman that gave you her number) You need to be somewhere you and your child will feel safe and can get help. I fear for your safety.
"you can't cure it" He has done this to himself. There is nothing you can do fix him. Don't worry about his family if they truly cared about him they would be talking to him trying to get him help. They have shown you how much they care about him and you. You can only cure yourself. That is what you need to focus on after you feel like you in a safe place. Talk to the police, your pastor, the lady the gave you her number. You need to reach out like you have here to people that want to help.
Life has dealt you a bad apple and you need to toss it aside. You need to take the path up to the apple orchid. The path is going to be rocky and scary, but you are strong and courageous. Their are people along the way to guide you up the path and help you out. Just ask them. Once you reach the end and that bad apple is far behind you then find a fresh bright red crispy apple to enjoy and fill you life up.
I hope your day goes good and you stay strong, You are not alone here. Reach out to us anytime.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Lost4Now
[left? Do they go away and never hear from them again? Do they come crawling back? Do they seek revenge? What do I need to watch for.
[/left]
[/left]
if you make that happen-yes.
will they come crawling back?
only if you allow it
do they seek revenge?
doesnt matter- he will **** himself in doing so IF you stand up for yourself.
are you ALLOWING him to use that car thats in your name still?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
Lots of good feedback; on that end I can only say ditto. Please keep yourself safe and I hope you can get that monster out of your house.
I'm worried about you. I'm sorry you're in this situation. You have done nothing to deserve it. Please be safe.
I'm worried about you. I'm sorry you're in this situation. You have done nothing to deserve it. Please be safe.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Understanding is the beginning of wisdom....
Facts not wishful thinking.
You are there... in a place or realizing that it is spiraling out of control. It’s scary.
But... you are sober. He is drunk. You can extricate yourself safely if you so desire.
Think about it. You are His safe, warm, caretaker nest and you are starting to rebel.
smack! That is the weak tool men often use to paralyze you.
my father was a terrifying abuser. You can get a restraining order and a court order to have him removed from your home. Cops with guns sending him down the highway.
now here is where many will disagree with my advice. Do it anyway. Call that nice cop lady and tell her you want to get your concealed weapons license... have her recommend an instructor. Get a gun. Practice. Get you concealed license. Practice some more.
prepare. Carefully for the day he leaves under police escort. On the same day get a company in there to set up security. Practice at the range.
nothing like the sound of a shotgun being pumped to get a mans complete attention.
i hunt fugitives for a living but I got tough with my father as my abuser.
you have more power than you know. Find it and lose the fear. Trust me I have had grown men wet and soil themselves when I pump the shotgun. They are not sure if we can handle a gun.
trust me ... we can. I wish I had time fly up there and introduce myself and invite him to leave, I think we have reciprocal laws. I could send one of my agents.
i will private message you with my phone number.
hold your head high sister. You are not alone.
You are there... in a place or realizing that it is spiraling out of control. It’s scary.
But... you are sober. He is drunk. You can extricate yourself safely if you so desire.
Think about it. You are His safe, warm, caretaker nest and you are starting to rebel.
smack! That is the weak tool men often use to paralyze you.
my father was a terrifying abuser. You can get a restraining order and a court order to have him removed from your home. Cops with guns sending him down the highway.
now here is where many will disagree with my advice. Do it anyway. Call that nice cop lady and tell her you want to get your concealed weapons license... have her recommend an instructor. Get a gun. Practice. Get you concealed license. Practice some more.
prepare. Carefully for the day he leaves under police escort. On the same day get a company in there to set up security. Practice at the range.
nothing like the sound of a shotgun being pumped to get a mans complete attention.
i hunt fugitives for a living but I got tough with my father as my abuser.
you have more power than you know. Find it and lose the fear. Trust me I have had grown men wet and soil themselves when I pump the shotgun. They are not sure if we can handle a gun.
trust me ... we can. I wish I had time fly up there and introduce myself and invite him to leave, I think we have reciprocal laws. I could send one of my agents.
i will private message you with my phone number.
hold your head high sister. You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Lost
All my friends who already posted here have proven, once again, that this is a very safe place. This is one of those times when I wish it could be more than "cyber."
Your ex is using fear and shame to keep you captive. Otherwise, he is a weak and wimpish poor excuse for a "man." Your job will be to disconnect the emotional buttons he has been pushing to keep you under his control.
Thanks for reaching out. We are here for you.
All my friends who already posted here have proven, once again, that this is a very safe place. This is one of those times when I wish it could be more than "cyber."
Your ex is using fear and shame to keep you captive. Otherwise, he is a weak and wimpish poor excuse for a "man." Your job will be to disconnect the emotional buttons he has been pushing to keep you under his control.
Thanks for reaching out. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hopeworks,
You have great advice and while I'm not a gun person. I have no quarums about people having a gun for safety. That was brave of you to recommend it with what fall back you could receive. I feel with proper training a gun is no more dangerous then a person yielding a spade shovel As a weapon. The gun will just cause more soiled pants. Have a great day.
You have great advice and while I'm not a gun person. I have no quarums about people having a gun for safety. That was brave of you to recommend it with what fall back you could receive. I feel with proper training a gun is no more dangerous then a person yielding a spade shovel As a weapon. The gun will just cause more soiled pants. Have a great day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Ohio
Posts: 46
My phone was taken away...
Sorry all for the late response. He knows something is up. He took my phone away, walked up to me and completely wrestled it out of my hands. I’m larger than him by weight, but I was sitting on a chair and had no use of my body weight to keep him off. He didn’t hit me or anything, but he got the phone and hid it. I just got it back today. See these are the type of foolish childish games he plays. Thankful I have a passcode on my phone, he has no clue what it is.
I just came back home today. I went to stay with my friend as son was with his dad and I asked my brother in law to handle the animals here for a couple days.
I want to Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your support and encouragement. It means more than you know. You are giving me the courage and the resources to do what needs done. THANK YOU!!
I called home alarm company, I have someone coming out this week to give me a quote on what I’ll need, mainly for the windows. I have a lot of windows. I’m in a ranch style house. I had my brother in law change my keypad entry for the garage. He can’t get in through the garage now. So I’ll be able to lock him outside if I need to. I think I have all the windows locked, but somehow he got in anyway one day when I wasn’t home and I locked him out. I called my doctor from my friends phone yesterday, I was crying pretty hard and told him I needed to come in right away. I have an appointment Monday morning. He’s an amazing doctor who has spent over an hour with me on most visits. He helped me immensely through my divorce.
I just came back home today. I went to stay with my friend as son was with his dad and I asked my brother in law to handle the animals here for a couple days.
I want to Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your support and encouragement. It means more than you know. You are giving me the courage and the resources to do what needs done. THANK YOU!!
I called home alarm company, I have someone coming out this week to give me a quote on what I’ll need, mainly for the windows. I have a lot of windows. I’m in a ranch style house. I had my brother in law change my keypad entry for the garage. He can’t get in through the garage now. So I’ll be able to lock him outside if I need to. I think I have all the windows locked, but somehow he got in anyway one day when I wasn’t home and I locked him out. I called my doctor from my friends phone yesterday, I was crying pretty hard and told him I needed to come in right away. I have an appointment Monday morning. He’s an amazing doctor who has spent over an hour with me on most visits. He helped me immensely through my divorce.
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