He does own a old gun, some type of rifle I believe. Of course, it’s never been allowed to enter my home. That’s been my rule. He’s not allowed to have gun here.

I don’t really think he’s into guns anyway. He’s not a hunter, I don’t even know why he has it. I believe it was passed down to him and it’s just there, last I knew it doesn’t even work maybe??

I’m not worried about him with a gun. Then again, I never worried he’d ever hit me either. Verbal and mental abuse is his nature.

I was once told by a psychiatrist after months of therapy following my divorce, that I had PTSD. I had a very very hard time with that. I had nightmares every single night, relieving it over and over. It was like I couldn’t escape it, therefore it was hard to get over. Or I had dreams where he would come back only to wake up and realize it was only a dream. This went on well beyond a year or so. They had me so drugged up on Xanax and antidepressants and sleeping pills that helped with nightmares. It was awful. I lost a lot of money that year from barely being able to get out of bed, much less operate the farm. That was bad.

I'm afraid this will come back, and maybe this time be worse bc of the abuse. I never had that part with my ex. What if this time, it really does me in. What kind of mother am I.

Thank you puzzled. I totally see what you’re saying. It makes sense and I can see myself trapped in that same mindset. I’ve been sitting outside with the dogs and have been out there for hours because he was in here “passed out”. Next thing I know, all my patio lights and house lights are turned off. Leaving it completely black out. So here I am fumbling my way to the back door with only my phone light and 2 puppies tripping me the entire way. Not their fault, they’re just excited. Again - abusive probably? Knowing I was out there. But in I come not saying a word about it, bc God knows I can’t say anything without causing a fight. But he still has something to say... which is, listen to you breathing. You sound like a cow in heat.

So see... those words will stick with me. I find myself trying to avoid social situations a lot more now bc I feel like what must I sound like? I can’t hear it myself. I guess I’m used to it and just don’t notice it. But it’s pointed out to me all the time, so I don’t even want to be around friends too much out in public for fear of what I must sound like!!!

I am sooooo sorry for anyone here who has shared, and those who maybe haven’t shared about their own abusive situations and I truly from the bottom of my heart hurt for anyone else who struggles or has dealt with this. It’s one of the most awful things I’ve ever been through.

I can only hope it gets better, and those hurtful words you hear, eventually leave.

I was in a very abusive relationship. Don’t overwhelm yourself tonight... easier said than done, I know. But you have a game plan... and tomorrow, you’ve decided it begins. That’s where the baby steps truly begin. Clarity and healing begin as well but it takes time. I still suffer from PTSD from loads of trauma but if you’re committed to those steps, life does get better. But tonight, just stay safe... with your phone close... OK?

Thank you all. You are helping me so much. You’re giving me the courage and determination to leave tomorrow. I’ve already packed my medications and done other vital important things and put them in my car as he’s passed out. Next I’ll take a few changes of clothes, get some dog food, look for some things my son my need or want and when I wake up. I’ll be prepared to get in car and go. Dog crates are already in my van, as I take my dogs with me a lot as it is, so that’s all set up anyway.

I have ave a lot to do here out in the barns to prepare and make things easier for my bil and whoever else will help. I’m going to leave a “to-do list” for them and hide it so that I can explain where the list is.

Anything else Im missing?? Do I need to go file an actual police report, or just talk to them so they know.

Thank you!! I already feel somewhat relieved.

Call your police friend and your DV contacts and ask what they recommend about a restraining order. Also ask your attorney on Monday.

Be very very careful tonight. He may be passed out right now but keep your phone at hand, your bedroom door locked and your keys under your pillow.

Let us know you’re okay, please?

Lost4Now, we’re all supporting you today! Sending you positive energy...

hey all... well, it took until about 2+ hours ago - but I left and I feel pretty strong for the time being.

I went about my day as normal, even though it was far from normal. My day consisted of getting things in order to be gone for a while. I think I did an OK job.

I tried to get my important things in my van last night. I put them down in the spare tire mount which is under the back seats, under the floor. I skipped things like dog food, as I knew that would be difficult to hide. I can buy another bag (and did). I grabbed my gym bag which I’m often seen carrying around as I go to the pool at the gym. I put 4 days of outfits and the one on my back.

I tried to act as normal as possible all day. Perhaps even maybe on the friendlier side. I told him I was going to go meet a friend for dinner. I do this at times, so knew it wouldn’t sound out of the ordinary. I told him I fed the dogs and that I put them in the barn kennel (where I keep them when I need to for whatever reason usually if I’m out of town and have someone watching the place - (they’re normally house dogs) they’d be ok and good until I got back and I’d bring them in when I got back. He asked why I put them out there, and I said because I thought I’d give you a break from them while I’m out enjoying myself too (they’re hyper lol). He believed me. They really were in my van at the time, being good. He was inside and toasted as always - so knew I was going to have time to say what needed said and go to van and pull off.

I left and I’m still maybe somewhat in disbelief that I did this. I don’t know. I haven’t cried. I haven’t really had any thoughts other than - getting pups settled here, and trying to make things as simple as possible to not burden my family. They’re giving me my space, but have let me know they’re there if I need them. Only thing really that was said was by my father, that he was going to come over here to my house tomorrow and tell him to get the F out. He’s livid, but I don’t want him coming here. I want the police report of him being asked to leave. I think this would be better.

I don’t know if I did the right thing by lying about being back, but I was afraid to say I’m leaving for good, plus I’m not - he’s in MY home. I do not like being out of MY HOME!!! I’m a bit angry about that.

He has no phone, he will be oblivious I’m gone until morning. He passes out, and never realizes even I do come home. He will notice tomorrow when my van is gone and puppies are gone. What he will do from there, no clue.

Thank you all very much for the support and encouragement to do the RIGHT thing. Thank you for checking in on me. I hope I continue the strength and indifferent way I feel right now.

Hugs and Blessings.