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All is well for the moment

Old 09-02-2019, 11:22 AM
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All is well for the moment

I'm riding the calm before what is sure to be the next storm -- whenever that will be.

Meanwhile, I'm building community in my new town. The past two weekends I've attended a church (met folks who may be a valuable resource to finding a job), joined the women's study/journal group, been to Al-Anon 2x, met with my advocate 2x, and have an appointment with a therapist who specializes in DV tomorrow morning. I am happy to say I will not have to use my insurance, which was a worry that my husband would find out via insurance use. Because the therapy sessions are free to those living in a DV situation through the advocacy center there is not need to use insurance. Right now, my goal is to not isolate myself as I would have in my past.

Again, right now things are great though I know the good times can turn on a dime without warning. I've seen and heard the remorse, but until I see actual change it means nothing -- words are just words when there's no action behind them. He is attending AA again and I'm glad for that because things are always better when he goes regularly.

The time I've spent with my advocate has been productive. She did let me know that verbal abuse often escalates to physical abuse because when the used tactics for control no longer work they have to up the ante to get the desired result. What is truly disturbing is that 1 in 4 live in some type of DV situation. What a sad commentary.

And there is my update. I am well and doing things to make sure I stay well.
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Old 09-02-2019, 11:54 AM
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Teehee......I am so glad to hear of all of your positive efforts....and, getting such support around you!! I can't think of any better thing that you could do for yourself.
Are we to assume that you and your husband are not currently living under the same roof...? Like...you are living in a different town...?
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Old 09-02-2019, 12:06 PM
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Iím so glad you posted...I was worried about you.

Bravo and well done on reaching out in so many ways to find support! That takes courage, I know.

Good for you!

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Old 09-02-2019, 12:29 PM
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hey teehee, good to hear from you! I too was worried, glad to hear you are doing well (as well as can be expected under the circumstances).

One other thing to kind of be aware of, while remorse without actions are just, words, as you refer to, I think it's important to also look at where that remorse is directed.

Is it remorse in feeling sorry for himself and the situation he finds himself in or is it remorse looking outward and seeing how he is hurting others.

So glad you are getting out in your community too and have been in touch with DV.
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Old 09-02-2019, 12:57 PM
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Yes, very glad to hear from you, Teehee! It's great to see you creating a support system and community around yourself. And yes, verbal abuse can very well escalate to physical violence when the abuser has to "up the ante" as your counselor said. Keep on taking care of yourself!
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Old 09-02-2019, 02:06 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Teehee......I am so glad to hear of all of your positive efforts....and, getting such support around you!! I can't think of any better thing that you could do for yourself.
Are we to assume that you and your husband are not currently living under the same roof...? Like...you are living in a different town...?
Dandylion,

We are still living under the same roof. He has no idea that I have a DV advocate or that I will be going to therapy geared to those living with DV. However, he does understand that my returning to Al-Anon is directly related to my ability to cope with his behavior and it seems to have made him feel badly that my anxiety is that high due to him. He knows the hurt from my 1st marriage and the crazy making so I do believe he genuinely is remorseful for causing me pain, too, but words are cheap.
I am living in a new town and new state but this is because we bought a home together in a new place. Because I'm new and these issues have become more prevalent, I refuse to remain unknown to others. I know what that looks like and feels like to be so isolated and it's not going to happen again.
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Old 09-02-2019, 02:12 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
hey teehee, good to hear from you! I too was worried, glad to hear you are doing well (as well as can be expected under the circumstances).

One other thing to kind of be aware of, while remorse without actions are just, words, as you refer to, I think it's important to also look at where that remorse is directed.

Is it remorse in feeling sorry for himself and the situation he finds himself in or is it remorse looking outward and seeing how he is hurting others.

So glad you are getting out in your community too and have been in touch with DV.
No, I don't think it is remorse because he feels sorry for himself. It is actually deeper than that. I think he thought with years of sobriety his behavior had changed, and from what i can gather, I believe it has significantly, but old habits can die hard. He knows what I went through with my 1st husband and I can see the concern that he has caused me similar anxiety and it is upsetting to him. That is all good and great, but like I said, words are cheap and I need to see action.
I'm just glad he is back at AA because I believe prior to this behavior becoming common place AA helped keep the ugly dry drunk and the myriad of bad behaviors at bay.
So, we will have date night dinner on Thursdays and then we each go to our respective meetings and then go home. I can handle that, I like dinner and I like him better when he's going to AA.
No rosy glasses here; I'm playing it safely by ear.
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Old 09-02-2019, 02:45 PM
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Good to hear from you, and great work in consciously building these new supports and connections in your new town. This will pay off in gold.
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Old 09-02-2019, 03:58 PM
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Teehee....Wow......doing all of that, and living in the same house with him...and, him not knowing the extent of your new connections is quite a feat. I really salute you for your resolve and tenacity....I know this has not been easy for you.....
Sounds like you are keeping things in perspective and are staying reality based....
Good for you, Teehee!
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Old 09-02-2019, 04:58 PM
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i still suggest caution...........we can often feel like we ARE impacting THEIR behavior, when in fact, they are just hunkering down, coiling like a snake, waiting patiently to strike.

you have done amazing work to build a support network. keep that underground. stay safe.
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Old 09-02-2019, 05:03 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Teehee....Wow......doing all of that, and living in the same house with him...and, him not knowing the extent of your new connections is quite a feat. I really salute you for your resolve and tenacity....I know this has not been easy for you.....
Sounds like you are keeping things in perspective and are staying reality based....
Good for you, Teehee!
Thanks! Truth is, I HAVE TO be tenacious; I HAVE TO keep perspective and stay in reality for my physical and mental health. I remember all too well the dysfunction of an alcoholic 22 yr marriage and I WILL NOT live in intolerable mental anguish again, I won't. I told my husband that when we started dating -- no if's, and's, or but's -- I won't live in hell ever again and if needs be, I will remind him of that fact.
The scared poor-me-baby crap is over. I remember that mentality all too well and how it crippled me so that I was afraid of my own stinking shadow. I promised myself never again.
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Old 09-02-2019, 05:07 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
i still suggest caution...........we can often feel like we ARE impacting THEIR behavior, when in fact, they are just hunkering down, coiling like a snake, waiting patiently to strike.

you have done amazing work to build a support network. keep that underground. stay safe.
Thanks Anvil...If I've learned anything after my 1st long marriage to an alcoholic who was into gas lighting and sometimes sexual abuse when he was wasted is that there is NOTHING I can do to affect change in someone else. All I can do is change me and what I'm doing. So, if push comes to shove (hopefully not literally), I'll walk out and move to another state where my dad lives and start from scratch. I've done it once, I'll do it again. That is my resolve.
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Old 09-03-2019, 02:45 PM
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Bravo! Face to face support is so very important. Well done!
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