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Need to get this out - advice or thoughts?

Old 08-30-2019, 02:22 PM
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Need to get this out - advice or thoughts?

The backstory is AH of almost 11 years. The first 8 years more good than bad but as we all know this is a progressive disease. Last couple of years have been a nightmare. For all intents and purposes i have no husband - we donít do anything together and always under the influence. His father is an alcoholic (sober 35 plus years) but a very angry mean guy especially towards me. Mother has her head in the sand and supports me until she has had enough and then turns on me - therefore enabling AH. Since July 2018 - in patient detox and started drinking immediately. Went to IOP and quit in August 2018. Kept drinking heavily until dec 2018. Went to out patient detox program for 2 weeks (supposed to be one week but failed in the middle and had to start over). Came out drank immediately. Drank through end of july 2019. Major health issues liver pancreas kidneys. Came to me and said he needs inpatient rehab. Checked in on aug 5 for 3.5 weeks. Was amazing and clear and said he was done forever. Told me how much he loves me we are a team etc. came out to meetings, sponsor therapist. I thought he was really going to try.

Here is where we are - AH has been drinking every single day since he came out. First 10 days nasty and mean. After that did not communicate with him for 2 weeks. Based on bank account records purchased alcohol every single day since getting out. Here is the rub. Im the only one who knows it. His parents and kids have turned against me. His sponsor and therapist have no idea. He is lying to everyone and targeting me. Obviously I understand that this is because i am the only one ďstopping himĒ and aware. And I donít really mean stopping him. Finally on saturday i told him i knew. He denied it. Then i told him abt bank transactions. Still denying. On monday he had a health scare. He told me about it on tuesday. We had a discussion he admitted he had not been ready but now he is and starting wed no more drinking (yeah, sure). But in all seriousness he did sound sincere.

Next thing that happens is he goes to a baseball game with his daughter. He calls me in phone with her to chat like everything is fine. Later in last night I get a text from 17 year old that dad is sleeping there cause he is too tired to come home. In his ex wifeís house. She was away but this woman destroyed our peace for 10 years and he is sleeping at her house. I feel like he should have at least called me and acknowledged that this would bother me but he was exhausted??

anyhow he came home this morning i was working and quiet. Immediately asked me why im being so obnoxious and such a bitch. Seriously? This led to a huge fight. I am back to square one. He has no bank transactions at liquor store but suddenly the man who never carries cash is making atm withdrawals. So yeah, nothing is changing. He told me he told his therapist he has slipped. It isnít slipping he never stopped.

I am going to go ahead with my plan to separate and divorce but it is just so frustrating and sad. And yes i go to al-anon and i know none of this is my fault. Nonetheless it is heartbreaking.
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Old 08-30-2019, 02:32 PM
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His parents and kids have turned against me.
When my sister got caught in her affair, she weaved a tale of emotional abuse that was so compelling I really did hate her ex-husband for a good long while.

I saw the light after a couple years. I suspect his family/friends will eventually recognize the truth too. However it won't be on your timeline, and there is the rub. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
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Old 08-30-2019, 02:34 PM
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Thanks Puzzled heart

i appreciate your words!
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Old 08-30-2019, 02:55 PM
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LaurÖ..of course it is heartbreaking! You will probably do some grieving....depending on how much or little "pre-grieving" you have already done....
I call it the "short-term pain for the long-term gain"...Ö

I think it is so important to gather your support persons close to you, because human support is so important at this time, I think....
Do you have any plans in place....lawyer? therapist?
It is so good that you already go to alanonÖ

Here is a link that you might find helpful....it is listed by ststeÖ.

www.womansdivorce.com
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Old 08-30-2019, 03:00 PM
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You know your truth. You donít have to convince anyone but yourself.

Sending you a big hug.
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Old 08-30-2019, 03:05 PM
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Thanks

dandylion yes i have lots of love and support. Great family, friends, my alanon sisters (who my AH calls those alanon bitches), great coworkers who are friends including an awesome boss. But as I'm sure you know it is still a game of wanting support and then feeling alone and defensive. I loved my husband so much. Still do. And even though i am strong i still feel crushed by him and his family. Been tempted to email his kids therapist sponsor and parents and tell them the truth. So they can hurt like me. But i know it wonít make me feel better wonít help my situation and certainly wonít make him stop. In the meantime get time getting a manicure and going out with a girlfriend for dinner. Trying to be ok. And of course in moments the thought creeps in that maybe it is me. But i know it isnít.
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Old 08-30-2019, 03:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
You know your truth. You donít have to convince anyone but yourself.

Sending you a big hug.
thank you!! Xo
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Old 08-30-2019, 03:16 PM
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Its sooooo not you.

Iím sorry for what brought you here, but glad youíre here. Lots of kind people and good support.

A lot of what you wrote stands out, but for some reason the Alanon bitches comment made me go from thinking ďgosh addiction turns us into jerksĒ to ďgosh this dude IS a jerk.Ē That second part isnít necessarily true, and Iím a little sorry for thinking it.

But it crosses a very important line. Itís one thing for an active addict to behave badly. Addiction makes us lie about our booze, lie about stupid **** to protect our drinking, even get into the habit of lying for no good reason. Addiction turns perfectly nice people into jerks. Iíve seen it and been it.

But addiction isnít an excuse. Itís certainly not an excuse for attempting to cut you off from your support network. Not cool. Glad you donít take the bait.

I hope you keep posting, thereís a lot of good support and advice here.
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Old 08-30-2019, 03:38 PM
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LaurÖ..all of the people you mentioned....they all KNOW about him....I will bet my fortune that they do......even his family knows...down deep---and, any details that they don't already know...they will find out pretty quick, after the split.
After I divorced my first husband...who wasn't even an alcoholic....people who knew us, later said to me..."We didn't like how he treated you"...."We weren't surprised"....
I was so shocked---I asked them..."Why didn't you say anything?!"....they all replied...."We just didn't want to interfere".....

Remember, that other people are able to be more objective than you...because you have more skin in the game....You have had a dog in the fight....lol, etc.....
His family is probably blinded by their own denial....yes, blood is usually thicker than water...but, if he lands on their doorstep...they will get a piece of him!
for you, the least interaction that you have with his family and ex wife...the better your reputation will look, down the road.....not that you should worry so much about it---but, it will just decrease another level of conflict and stress in your life.....
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Old 08-30-2019, 03:47 PM
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I hear you! He just doesnít like anyone who is my friend especially the alanon girls (when he has been drinking) because he knows they have his number.

Originally Posted by wehav2day View Post
Its sooooo not you.

Iím sorry for what brought you here, but glad youíre here. Lots of kind people and good support.

A lot of what you wrote stands out, but for some reason the Alanon bitches comment made me go from thinking ďgosh addiction turns us into jerksĒ to ďgosh this dude IS a jerk.Ē That second part isnít necessarily true, and Iím a little sorry for thinking it.

But it crosses a very important line. Itís one thing for an active addict to behave badly. Addiction makes us lie about our booze, lie about stupid **** to protect our drinking, even get into the habit of lying for no good reason. Addiction turns perfectly nice people into jerks. Iíve seen it and been it.

But addiction isnít an excuse. Itís certainly not an excuse for attempting to cut you off from your support network. Not cool. Glad you donít take the bait.

I hope you keep posting, thereís a lot of good support and advice here.
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Old 08-30-2019, 03:51 PM
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Dandylion i have stopped communicating with them. My last communication with his mother after she told me her son is trying to get sober and i am basically trying to stop him and telling me why donít i just leave already - calmly told her - i willl end up leaving. And when i do i pray he gets sober. And then you and your lovely family can all pretend it was me. But i will be happy. Because my husband who i love will maybe not be dead and i will be free of all of you. Yes - i really did say that. I also told her to be prepared cause once im gone she will be next in his list.

Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
LaurÖ..all of the people you mentioned....they all KNOW about him....I will bet my fortune that they do......even his family knows...down deep---and, any details that they don't already know...they will find out pretty quick, after the split.
After I divorced my first husband...who wasn't even an alcoholic....people who knew us, later said to me..."We didn't like how he treated you"...."We weren't surprised"....
I was so shocked---I asked them..."Why didn't you say anything?!"....they all replied...."We just didn't want to interfere".....

Remember, that other people are able to be more objective than you...because you have more skin in the game....You have had a dog in the fight....lol, etc.....
His family is probably blinded by their own denial....yes, blood is usually thicker than water...but, if he lands on their doorstep...they will get a piece of him!
for you, the least interaction that you have with his family and ex wife...the better your reputation will look, down the road.....not that you should worry so much about it---but, it will just decrease another level of conflict and stress in your life.....
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Old 08-30-2019, 03:56 PM
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Havenít communicated with his horrid ex wife in over a year. And prior to that not for several years except when she told her kids crazy lies about me (one of them never spoken me again because of it). She dealt with this too but not to this extreme. But she is a terrible person nonetheless. I helped raise her kids. She should have been thanking me. But thats a whole different chat board lol
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Old 08-30-2019, 04:04 PM
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LaurÖ.well, it seem that you left no stone unturned...LOL!
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Old 08-30-2019, 04:07 PM
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😊
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