The backstory is AH of almost 11 years. The first 8 years more good than bad but as we all know this is a progressive disease. Last couple of years have been a nightmare. For all intents and purposes i have no husband - we don’t do anything together and always under the influence. His father is an alcoholic (sober 35 plus years) but a very angry mean guy especially towards me. Mother has her head in the sand and supports me until she has had enough and then turns on me - therefore enabling AH. Since July 2018 - in patient detox and started drinking immediately. Went to IOP and quit in August 2018. Kept drinking heavily until dec 2018. Went to out patient detox program for 2 weeks (supposed to be one week but failed in the middle and had to start over). Came out drank immediately. Drank through end of july 2019. Major health issues liver pancreas kidneys. Came to me and said he needs inpatient rehab. Checked in on aug 5 for 3.5 weeks. Was amazing and clear and said he was done forever. Told me how much he loves me we are a team etc. came out to meetings, sponsor therapist. I thought he was really going to try.

Here is where we are - AH has been drinking every single day since he came out. First 10 days nasty and mean. After that did not communicate with him for 2 weeks. Based on bank account records purchased alcohol every single day since getting out. Here is the rub. Im the only one who knows it. His parents and kids have turned against me. His sponsor and therapist have no idea. He is lying to everyone and targeting me. Obviously I understand that this is because i am the only one “stopping him” and aware. And I don’t really mean stopping him. Finally on saturday i told him i knew. He denied it. Then i told him abt bank transactions. Still denying. On monday he had a health scare. He told me about it on tuesday. We had a discussion he admitted he had not been ready but now he is and starting wed no more drinking (yeah, sure). But in all seriousness he did sound sincere.

Next thing that happens is he goes to a baseball game with his daughter. He calls me in phone with her to chat like everything is fine. Later in last night I get a text from 17 year old that dad is sleeping there cause he is too tired to come home. In his ex wife’s house. She was away but this woman destroyed our peace for 10 years and he is sleeping at her house. I feel like he should have at least called me and acknowledged that this would bother me but he was exhausted??

anyhow he came home this morning i was working and quiet. Immediately asked me why im being so obnoxious and such a bitch. Seriously? This led to a huge fight. I am back to square one. He has no bank transactions at liquor store but suddenly the man who never carries cash is making atm withdrawals. So yeah, nothing is changing. He told me he told his therapist he has slipped. It isn’t slipping he never stopped.

I am going to go ahead with my plan to separate and divorce but it is just so frustrating and sad. And yes i go to al-anon and i know none of this is my fault. Nonetheless it is heartbreaking.

i appreciate your words!

dandylion yes i have lots of love and support. Great family, friends, my alanon sisters (who my AH calls those alanon bitches), great coworkers who are friends including an awesome boss. But as I'm sure you know it is still a game of wanting support and then feeling alone and defensive. I loved my husband so much. Still do. And even though i am strong i still feel crushed by him and his family. Been tempted to email his kids therapist sponsor and parents and tell them the truth. So they can hurt like me. But i know it won’t make me feel better won’t help my situation and certainly won’t make him stop. In the meantime get time getting a manicure and going out with a girlfriend for dinner. Trying to be ok. And of course in moments the thought creeps in that maybe it is me. But i know it isn’t.

thank you!! Xo

I hear you! He just doesn’t like anyone who is my friend especially the alanon girls (when he has been drinking) because he knows they have his number.

Dandylion i have stopped communicating with them. My last communication with his mother after she told me her son is trying to get sober and i am basically trying to stop him and telling me why don’t i just leave already - calmly told her - i willl end up leaving. And when i do i pray he gets sober. And then you and your lovely family can all pretend it was me. But i will be happy. Because my husband who i love will maybe not be dead and i will be free of all of you. Yes - i really did say that. I also told her to be prepared cause once im gone she will be next in his list.

Haven’t communicated with his horrid ex wife in over a year. And prior to that not for several years except when she told her kids crazy lies about me (one of them never spoken me again because of it). She dealt with this too but not to this extreme. But she is a terrible person nonetheless. I helped raise her kids. She should have been thanking me. But thats a whole different chat board lol

😊