Cat on a hot tin roof
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by Dazedandconfus 
Went back for a minute to take care of the dog. AH was playing music and packing. Humming, washing clothes....he simply said “it’s gotta be done”. Glad he’s handling it all so well, I’m feeling better but struggling. I know I’m supposed to keep the focus on me, but man this hurts. Back out again....
I'm glad you are checking in Dazed. I know you are struggling but all in all you know, you are doing so well.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
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Originally Posted by trailmix
You keep putting the focus back on yourself and that's what counts, looking after yourself. It's impossible to ignore the madness going on around you completely.
I'm glad you are checking in Dazed. I know you are struggling but all in all you know, you are doing so well.
I'm glad you are checking in Dazed. I know you are struggling but all in all you know, you are doing so well.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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For me, I had to learn to accept things, even when I couldn't understand them.
I am grateful I am not addicted to alcohol. I assume that's what it would take for me to "understand" the active addict's reasoning that anything and everything is to blame for one's problems but drinking.
This is who he is right now. It is very sad, very unfortunate. You can't change him, or convince him, or reason him into true recovery.
I am grateful I am not addicted to alcohol. I assume that's what it would take for me to "understand" the active addict's reasoning that anything and everything is to blame for one's problems but drinking.
This is who he is right now. It is very sad, very unfortunate. You can't change him, or convince him, or reason him into true recovery.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
For me, I had to learn to accept things, even when I couldn't understand them.
I am grateful I am not addicted to alcohol. I assume that's what it would take for me to "understand" the active addict's reasoning that anything and everything is to blame for one's problems but drinking.
This is who he is right now. It is very sad, very unfortunate. You can't change him, or convince him, or reason him into true recovery.
I am grateful I am not addicted to alcohol. I assume that's what it would take for me to "understand" the active addict's reasoning that anything and everything is to blame for one's problems but drinking.
This is who he is right now. It is very sad, very unfortunate. You can't change him, or convince him, or reason him into true recovery.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
It does take time for sure.
I think sometimes it's forgotten that the alcoholic is actually living IN alcoholism.
It LOOKS like if they would just put that glass or bottle down for good that they can be this normal person they are when they don't drink for a day or two (assuming they act rather normally when "sober").
Thing is, even when "sober" it's usually because they have just had a bang up drink-fest or they are maintaining a buzz by drinking less, although mileage may vary, everyone is different.
Your Husband has been drinking for a long time. Who he becomes (assuming he stays with recovery) may not even be someone you really know. He's had 10 years? of drinking, that changes someone. Imagine living in the world half drunk for 10 years then stopping drinking, how odd would that, alone, be.
Addiction is selfish, mental illness is selfish, recovery must be selfish.
More will be revealed.
I think sometimes it's forgotten that the alcoholic is actually living IN alcoholism.
It LOOKS like if they would just put that glass or bottle down for good that they can be this normal person they are when they don't drink for a day or two (assuming they act rather normally when "sober").
Thing is, even when "sober" it's usually because they have just had a bang up drink-fest or they are maintaining a buzz by drinking less, although mileage may vary, everyone is different.
Your Husband has been drinking for a long time. Who he becomes (assuming he stays with recovery) may not even be someone you really know. He's had 10 years? of drinking, that changes someone. Imagine living in the world half drunk for 10 years then stopping drinking, how odd would that, alone, be.
Addiction is selfish, mental illness is selfish, recovery must be selfish.
More will be revealed.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by trailmix
It does take time for sure.
I think sometimes it's forgotten that the alcoholic is actually living IN alcoholism.
It LOOKS like if they would just put that glass or bottle down for good that they can be this normal person they are when they don't drink for a day or two (assuming they act rather normally when "sober").
Thing is, even when "sober" it's usually because they have just had a bang up drink-fest or they are maintaining a buzz by drinking less, although mileage may vary, everyone is different.
Your Husband has been drinking for a long time. Who he becomes (assuming he stays with recovery) may not even be someone you really know. He's had 10 years? of drinking, that changes someone. Imagine living in the world half drunk for 10 years then stopping drinking, how odd would that, alone, be.
Addiction is selfish, mental illness is selfish, recovery must be selfish.
More will be revealed.
I think sometimes it's forgotten that the alcoholic is actually living IN alcoholism.
It LOOKS like if they would just put that glass or bottle down for good that they can be this normal person they are when they don't drink for a day or two (assuming they act rather normally when "sober").
Thing is, even when "sober" it's usually because they have just had a bang up drink-fest or they are maintaining a buzz by drinking less, although mileage may vary, everyone is different.
Your Husband has been drinking for a long time. Who he becomes (assuming he stays with recovery) may not even be someone you really know. He's had 10 years? of drinking, that changes someone. Imagine living in the world half drunk for 10 years then stopping drinking, how odd would that, alone, be.
Addiction is selfish, mental illness is selfish, recovery must be selfish.
More will be revealed.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by dandylion
It is as hard for the partner to give up the relationship with the alcoholic as it is for the alcoholic to give up the relationship[ with the drink...….
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He even told me that a roomful of addicts and his treatment counselor vindicated him that he didn’t mean all the horrid things he said when drunk. I take that to mean I’m just supposed to go “oh ok! That’s fine!” Whatever. It’s madness
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Originally Posted by Dazedandconfus
He even told me that a roomful of addicts and his treatment counselor vindicated him that he didn’t mean all the horrid things he said when drunk. I take that to mean I’m just supposed to go “oh ok! That’s fine!” Whatever. It’s madness
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Even if they don't "mean" it...and, don't even remember it, much of the time....doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt the recipient.....it still hurts really bad....
That is why it is so essential that the recipient remove themselves from the abuse.....
Remember, that HE is the main concern of the counselor, not you.....that is just the way it works....while they may not wish you ill...HE is the one in front of them....
That is why it is so essential that the recipient remove themselves from the abuse.....
Remember, that HE is the main concern of the counselor, not you.....that is just the way it works....while they may not wish you ill...HE is the one in front of them....
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Join Date: Jul 2019
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Even if they don't "mean" it...and, don't even remember it, much of the time....doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt the recipient.....it still hurts really bad....
That is why it is so essential that the recipient remove themselves from the abuse.....
Remember, that HE is the main concern of the counselor, not you.....that is just the way it works....while they may not wish you ill...HE is the one in front of them....
That is why it is so essential that the recipient remove themselves from the abuse.....
Remember, that HE is the main concern of the counselor, not you.....that is just the way it works....while they may not wish you ill...HE is the one in front of them....
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by dandylion
Even if they don't "mean" it...and, don't even remember it, much of the time....doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt the recipient.....it still hurts really bad....
That is why it is so essential that the recipient remove themselves from the abuse.....
Remember, that HE is the main concern of the counselor, not you.....that is just the way it works....while they may not wish you ill...HE is the one in front of them....
That is why it is so essential that the recipient remove themselves from the abuse.....
Remember, that HE is the main concern of the counselor, not you.....that is just the way it works....while they may not wish you ill...HE is the one in front of them....
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