Cat on a hot tin roof
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by Dazedandconfus 
Why didn’t he see what we had was to be valued? Why wasn’t I valued. I made mistakes, god knows, but I always valued him. I tried to treat him like a king, whilst I felt like I was plan b...after work, after his family, after booze, after the news....and now he’s mad at me. I just really feel like I’m kinda valuable. I had breakfast with my dad yesterday he said “ we made a mess of our lives..” double ouch. I don’t think I’ll rver not be depressed. Heavy sigh...
Secondly, you are going through a really tough time, ending your marriage and having lived with an alcoholic for so many years, that's tough stuff right there. Just like your STBXAH (that's a lot of initials) doesn't see the bright side yet, you can't either (and why would you at this point) but it is there for you, just around the corner.
The absolute best thing I can say to you right now is to try to stop applying non-alcoholic logic to your AH. It doesn't fit and it's not accurate.
Addicts do not think "normally" they think like addicts. Addiction is HUGELY selfish and if you read the newcomers forum you will see many confessions about that. I doubt that your AH has come to you and said I realize the extent of my selfishness over the years, what an ass I've been - because he is not anywhere near there yet - he is still totally wrapped up in himself (and no doubt has been for a long time).
Now, you don't need to trouble yourself with translating what he says from addiction speak to what he is really saying, you're out of there, however I really urge you to see everything that he says as the words of an addict, which are pretty much meaningless at this point.
Priorities:
1. ALCOHOL above all else
2. The addict himself (obsession with the drug and how that affects him and his life).
3. Work (or some other outside interest be it sports or darts).
4. Others, family, workmates, friends. Have to keep up the illusion of normalcy.
5. You. You who has always been there to hold him up. You are absolutely the enemy now. You have come between him and everything ahead of you on this list.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
Originally Posted by trailmix
First of all, you will not be depressed at some point, for sure.
Secondly, you are going through a really tough time, ending your marriage and having lived with an alcoholic for so many years, that's tough stuff right there. Just like your STBXAH (that's a lot of initials) doesn't see the bright side yet, you can't either (and why would you at this point) but it is there for you, just around the corner.
The absolute best thing I can say to you right now is to try to stop applying non-alcoholic logic to your AH. It doesn't fit and it's not accurate.
Addicts do not think "normally" they think like addicts. Addiction is HUGELY selfish and if you read the newcomers forum you will see many confessions about that. I doubt that your AH has come to you and said I realize the extent of my selfishness over the years, what an ass I've been - because he is not anywhere near there yet - he is still totally wrapped up in himself (and no doubt has been for a long time).
Now, you don't need to trouble yourself with translating what he says from addiction speak to what he is really saying, you're out of there, however I really urge you to see everything that he says as the words of an addict, which are pretty much meaningless at this point.
Priorities:
1. ALCOHOL above all else
2. The addict himself (obsession with the drug and how that affects him and his life).
3. Work (or some other outside interest be it sports or darts).
4. Others, family, workmates, friends. Have to keep up the illusion of normalcy.
5. You. You who has always been there to hold him up. You are absolutely the enemy now. You have come between him and everything ahead of you on this list.
Secondly, you are going through a really tough time, ending your marriage and having lived with an alcoholic for so many years, that's tough stuff right there. Just like your STBXAH (that's a lot of initials) doesn't see the bright side yet, you can't either (and why would you at this point) but it is there for you, just around the corner.
The absolute best thing I can say to you right now is to try to stop applying non-alcoholic logic to your AH. It doesn't fit and it's not accurate.
Addicts do not think "normally" they think like addicts. Addiction is HUGELY selfish and if you read the newcomers forum you will see many confessions about that. I doubt that your AH has come to you and said I realize the extent of my selfishness over the years, what an ass I've been - because he is not anywhere near there yet - he is still totally wrapped up in himself (and no doubt has been for a long time).
Now, you don't need to trouble yourself with translating what he says from addiction speak to what he is really saying, you're out of there, however I really urge you to see everything that he says as the words of an addict, which are pretty much meaningless at this point.
Priorities:
1. ALCOHOL above all else
2. The addict himself (obsession with the drug and how that affects him and his life).
3. Work (or some other outside interest be it sports or darts).
4. Others, family, workmates, friends. Have to keep up the illusion of normalcy.
5. You. You who has always been there to hold him up. You are absolutely the enemy now. You have come between him and everything ahead of you on this list.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 868
NOW I’m supposed to help him with leave of absence forms with his work.! “I don’t know what to doooooooo I’m confuseddd....do you have any suggestions??? Are you just saying no cuz you’re not supposed to help me?????” Oh brother, he really does view me as an unfeeling tool. Ouch.
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Originally Posted by suki44883
Help him how? He can write, can't he? He should know the answers to any questions, right?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he's playing the helpless card. just as he plays all the other "drama" roles.
now to be fair - if to date you have always taken care of everything and now all of the sudden you are NOT, that can leave the other person a bit off balance. there are two elements at play in that case - first, one person in the relationship has more wherewithall and know how and the other has been flakey and/or irresponsible, so for the greater good, person #1 has assumed that responsibility, to avoid financial ruin. secondly, person #1 then has control and is highly unlikely to want to relinquish it to person #2 because over time it's just easier to do everything yourself and not watch them flail about and ultimately screw something up.
at some point both parties "agreed" to this set up.
ask me how i know this!??
so if any of the above is true and there is specific information kept somewhere that would be useful for the form filling out and he does NOT know where this is kept or how to access it, then pointing him in that direction is not "doing for others what they can do for themselves". maybe it's medical records that you keep in a filing system, or other things he would not normally know.
but if it's stuff like his birthdate, SSN, medical insurance card, name of the place he works - THAT is on HIM.
now to be fair - if to date you have always taken care of everything and now all of the sudden you are NOT, that can leave the other person a bit off balance. there are two elements at play in that case - first, one person in the relationship has more wherewithall and know how and the other has been flakey and/or irresponsible, so for the greater good, person #1 has assumed that responsibility, to avoid financial ruin. secondly, person #1 then has control and is highly unlikely to want to relinquish it to person #2 because over time it's just easier to do everything yourself and not watch them flail about and ultimately screw something up.
at some point both parties "agreed" to this set up.
ask me how i know this!??
so if any of the above is true and there is specific information kept somewhere that would be useful for the form filling out and he does NOT know where this is kept or how to access it, then pointing him in that direction is not "doing for others what they can do for themselves". maybe it's medical records that you keep in a filing system, or other things he would not normally know.
but if it's stuff like his birthdate, SSN, medical insurance card, name of the place he works - THAT is on HIM.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
ps - again he's only been doing OUTpatient and/or meetings for about two weeks. and they aren't teaching him how to fill out medical forms......cut the guy a teensy bit of slack and what you think he SHOULD know by now........
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
ps - again he's only been doing OUTpatient and/or meetings for about two weeks. and they aren't teaching him how to fill out medical forms......cut the guy a teensy bit of slack and what you think he SHOULD know by now........
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Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
My son is 45 years old. He drank and took prescription drugs since he was 18. He went to a 30 day treatment program in this year in February, got out the last of March, then attended two weeks of outpatient therapy. So he's been sober for five months and I'm so proud of him.
I just helped him get all his paperwork together to file for bankruptcy. He didn't ask me, I volunteered because he literally had no clue where to start. His mail was coming here and he wouldn't even open it because it was so overwhelming. All he's still capable of doing is pretty much getting dressed and making it to work. He has, however, met with the attorney a couple of times and it's getting to the final stages.
I have been sober for 21 years and 11 months. Although I was a competent, very successful business woman, when I first got sober, anything to do with papers, filling out forms, even the simplest things such as a change of address form sent me into a panic. By the grace of God I had people around me who assisted me in getting some things done, my husband, for one, who had been sober for eight years at the time.
So I've walked in my son's shoes and have no problem whatsoever helping him get his papers together, not because I'm his mother and that's what mothers do, it's simply because I've been there and I know how the simplest things confused me. It was very frustrating for me because I didn't remember a lot. When I first got sober, I remember sitting down in front of my computer and I literally did not know where the buttons were to turn it on. I couldn't get an envelope, stamp, check, and the bill in one room and then get it in a mailbox. That simple everyday thing totally overwhelmed me.
I, personally, do not consider helping my son with his paperwork enabling. Now, if he was not participating in trying to get his life back in order, that'd be a different story, but he's working his butt off to get back on his feet financially, and rebuild his life. He's not doing it exactly the way I would like him to do, but I have to remember, he has not picked up a drink in five months, and for that I'm truly grateful. One of my prayers the day before he went into the hospital and then into treatment is that God would let me live long enough to see him get sober.
The things I do for him, I do them from my heart. He suffered gravely as a practicing alcoholic, as we all did. I've really had a front row seat to this one, that's for sure.
I did not support him in his drinking but I support him in his recovery. It breaks my heart for us to start a discussion about some business that needs to be taken care of and he just looks at me with a blank look on his face. I know he doesn't remember a lot of stuff, because I didn't either.
I hope your husband continues with his meetings and the things he's doing to work on his recovery. I hope you and your family find some peace. It takes a long, long time.
I just helped him get all his paperwork together to file for bankruptcy. He didn't ask me, I volunteered because he literally had no clue where to start. His mail was coming here and he wouldn't even open it because it was so overwhelming. All he's still capable of doing is pretty much getting dressed and making it to work. He has, however, met with the attorney a couple of times and it's getting to the final stages.
I have been sober for 21 years and 11 months. Although I was a competent, very successful business woman, when I first got sober, anything to do with papers, filling out forms, even the simplest things such as a change of address form sent me into a panic. By the grace of God I had people around me who assisted me in getting some things done, my husband, for one, who had been sober for eight years at the time.
So I've walked in my son's shoes and have no problem whatsoever helping him get his papers together, not because I'm his mother and that's what mothers do, it's simply because I've been there and I know how the simplest things confused me. It was very frustrating for me because I didn't remember a lot. When I first got sober, I remember sitting down in front of my computer and I literally did not know where the buttons were to turn it on. I couldn't get an envelope, stamp, check, and the bill in one room and then get it in a mailbox. That simple everyday thing totally overwhelmed me.
I, personally, do not consider helping my son with his paperwork enabling. Now, if he was not participating in trying to get his life back in order, that'd be a different story, but he's working his butt off to get back on his feet financially, and rebuild his life. He's not doing it exactly the way I would like him to do, but I have to remember, he has not picked up a drink in five months, and for that I'm truly grateful. One of my prayers the day before he went into the hospital and then into treatment is that God would let me live long enough to see him get sober.
The things I do for him, I do them from my heart. He suffered gravely as a practicing alcoholic, as we all did. I've really had a front row seat to this one, that's for sure.
I did not support him in his drinking but I support him in his recovery. It breaks my heart for us to start a discussion about some business that needs to be taken care of and he just looks at me with a blank look on his face. I know he doesn't remember a lot of stuff, because I didn't either.
I hope your husband continues with his meetings and the things he's doing to work on his recovery. I hope you and your family find some peace. It takes a long, long time.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i love you and i'm sorry can be really meaningless throw away terms. it's not that the person saying doesn't mean them at some level, but these words have become "useful" when in a bind. so don't be swayed by words we can teach a parrot to say...............
back off, go to another room, quit reacting to every sound bite. it's an ever changing spew of words. the more you react, the more you "enable" him to flounce and flail and spew. don't be his audience of one.
back off, go to another room, quit reacting to every sound bite. it's an ever changing spew of words. the more you react, the more you "enable" him to flounce and flail and spew. don't be his audience of one.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i love you and i'm sorry can be really meaningless throw away terms. it's not that the person saying doesn't mean them at some level, but these words have become "useful" when in a bind. so don't be swayed by words we can teach a parrot to say...............
back off, go to another room, quit reacting to every sound bite. it's an ever changing spew of words. the more you react, the more you "enable" him to flounce and flail and spew. don't be his audience of one.
back off, go to another room, quit reacting to every sound bite. it's an ever changing spew of words. the more you react, the more you "enable" him to flounce and flail and spew. don't be his audience of one.
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