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Old 05-10-2019, 01:55 AM   #1 (permalink)
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silence


Silence- ugh...
Son was 30 days sober last week. Started sending me cute pics and then is stopped.
My fear is relapse again. When he goes silent, that is usually my sign.

I don't reach out. I don't ask how he is doing. I just stay in my corner of the world and pray and hope for the best.

I don't understand. He is so far away so I have not a clue what is going on in his life.

He realized how bad his debt is and the destruction the last relapse did so I hope and pray he is still sober and just busy...
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Old 05-10-2019, 02:11 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi hummingbird. Sorry you're going through this. I hope he hasn't relapsed, but know that gut feeling is usually the right one. Glad you're here.

Hugs x
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Old 05-10-2019, 04:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
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hummingbird...I know the feeling. Sometimes, it is better not to know the details of what is going on in the adult children's lives. I know that we parents always crave to know that they are doing well and that there are no problems....
Actually, if he lived down the block...it probably wouldn't change the reality of things...you would just know more details to get upset over....
There is a point where parents have no control over what their grown children do....
You have a right to find enjoyment in your life....even with the sadness and worry about your son.....
It a human life...it is true that areas of sadness/grief can, and do, exist side by side.....

the other day, I saw a young mother (30ish)….on an episode of "Say Yes to the Dress".....her 9ur. old son had just died. a month earlier, after a battle with cancer...She had planned the wedding date, a while back, when they thought that the son would live. She had a wonderful fiancée who had been supportive and two younger children...
She had wanted to cancel the wedding because she thought that it would be disrespectful to feel happy about something, so soon after her beloved son's passing....
Her whole family gathered around her and said that she should go through with the wedding and enjoy it....that denying herself joy would not bring her son back ….and, that her son would not want his mother to be in sadness every minute of her life....
Turns out, that she did get a nice dress and go through the wedding...and, seemed better for it....
I though this is a good example of what I was talking about, above....
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Old 05-10-2019, 07:34 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thank you, dandy.

hummingbird, sending many good prayers and wishes. May you have a beautiful Mother's Day. ((((hugs))))

Do you have plans to be with friends or have a special outing for yourself this Sunday?
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Old 05-10-2019, 12:06 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Sending a big hug friend!
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Old 05-10-2019, 12:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Sorry hummingbird. I know the silence is scary. My son is not an addict, but he goes radio silent on me too and I hate it, I can only imagine how it is for you. Sending hugs and hoping you do something kind for yourself this Mother's Day weekend.



Dandy! Holy! that story was a tear jerker! powerful stuff.
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Old 05-10-2019, 02:50 PM   #7 (permalink)
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One of the contacts I have from his workplace sent me a text today that he seems good and that he is 39 days sober. That person asked my son if he minds that they check in on him and he replied to her..."No, that is fine. It is nice to know someone cares" The contact told me this and now I feel like crap. I had sent him an email last week regarding our insurance and told him that I loved him, didn't get a reply.
Hopefully he knows I love him.
Just not sure what to say anymore to him. I guess I will see if he sends me a Happy Mother's Day text on Sunday. I won't hold my breath that is for sure.
Otherwise, some asked what I am doing. Well my daughter and I are going to a painting class tomorrow and on Sunday I have to work and then will go to church and to a parents meeting for those of addicts.
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Old 05-11-2019, 08:13 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Hummingbird, I completely understand how you feel. The silence can be deafening, and we can never truly know the reason for it in the moment. I try to just breathe, and not let my mind go to those dark and scary imaginings, and live my life enjoying all of my many blessings. I hope that my son will get to the point where he even admits a problem and seeks help. I got a text from him on my birthday last week, and I was grateful. Grateful for a text from the same young man who used to telephone me at 6:00am so he could be the first to wish me a happy birthday. It's sad, but it's his journey, and I hope that things will change in the future for the better. One thing I do know, my son adores me, and I adore him, and nothing can ever change that fact or the deep knowledge of that fact. He just needs to adore himself half as much, and I pray every day that he will.
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Old 05-11-2019, 08:29 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I would just keep reminding him that the crave is for life and that relapse looms like a killer in the shadows.

We recovering addicts put on a brave happy face when presented with actives, but we need to respect the past and know a little snort opens pandora.s box.

Just do it.
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When I crave I think of the next day after effects:

high blood pressure, sleep issues, strength loss, immune system comprimise (sick).

BpSSS. My mantra.

Studied "alcohol kindling" and "alcohol PAWS."

Last intoxication: 8 May 15.
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Old 05-11-2019, 05:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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you might be expecting a bit TOO much about of your adult son? if he is sober and trying to make a go of it, it's likely he is starting to see that great big world around him. he may even recognize that his connection to his parents has been toxic and unhealthy and trying to give them (you) a break.

try not to see everything as a bad thing. assume he is doing well, living his life, making his own choices.
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Old 05-14-2019, 11:38 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Just wanted to update...
Heard from him Sat. that he hurt his leg and had a hard time walking. Felt he tore a muscle.. I recommended to go to urgent care if it got worse and/or try ice, elevating... Told him to let me know how he was doing then.
Sunday, Mother's day,... didn't hear a word.. Sent a text to ask about his leg... Still waiting to hear back.. only been 3 days
I so want to let him know how hurtful it is but I won't. Sometimes I truly feel he does it to hurt me. I realize he is in early recovery so I need to give it time.

Tomorrow is Alanon. I will go there and share.
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Old 05-14-2019, 11:49 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Hummingbird I hope you can find a way not to take your son's action's personally. Addiction is selfish, and early recovery can be even more so. It truly has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him attempting to deal with life on life's terms for the first time without the cushion of substances or enablers.

Time, as they say, takes time.
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Old 05-14-2019, 11:53 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Hummingbird,
The other day, I took a look over at the Newcomers to Recovery forum because I thought it would be helpful for me to see this disease from a different point of view. The self-loathing that alcoholics and addicts express feeling is heartbreaking. They don't want to hurt anyone...they are the ones hurting.
Our children love us so very much...I know mine do, and I really believe that my son stays away because he is hurting, and feeling low, and not able to bear letting me see that. My hope is that he will find recovery and over time, he will heal and begin to love himself again, and we will have a wonderful relationship. I will try to be patient, because I have no other choice.
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Old 05-14-2019, 01:50 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I just got a message from my daughter that my son posted something again on snapchat which seems like he is back to drinking or very very depressed again. I have reached out to him but no reply. I am worried but I have to trust God and what will be will be. It seems like he is very depressed again. Found out he hasn't been to work either this week.
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Old 05-14-2019, 03:04 PM   #15 (permalink)
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One of my favorite Alanon sayings: let go or be dragged. I had to pray very hard to do that but it worked and I started putting the focus on myself, not the other person. Alanon could be a huge help, the support is invaluable.
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Old 05-14-2019, 04:17 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hummingbird358 View Post
I am worried but I have to trust God and what will be will be.
Here's a fairly well known letter in the AlAnon literature:
~~~~~~


You want to hear from Me about letting your son go. You are not abandoning him, as much as it may feel like it. You are simply transferring his wellbeing from your care to Mine.

It was never My intention for you to direct, guide, and control his life. That is My role. Yours in the beginning was to love him, protect him, and teach him. You’ve done that. He was never yours to keep.

To have peace, you must let him go. Your stubborn self-will only gets in the way of the plans I have for him.

I know it is not your intention to interfere, but you are. You are not all-wise and all-powerful. You cannot remove his disease. You cannot love him to wellness. Only I can do that.

You must trust that I care for your son’s wellbeing. You must trust that I love him more than your humanly love. My thoughts, My ways, My plans are bigger than you can comprehend. Your lives are so short, yet you waste so much in worry and fear.

Yes, your son may cut his life short. That is not My intention, but it is his choice. He must trust Me also, and seek to have a relationship with Me. Only then can I work in his life. I will not force Myself on him or you. I am more than willing to be involved in your lives, but only to the degree you let Me. We both know what a struggle trusting Me has been for you.

You can’t make it any easier for your son to trust Me. He has to find Me on his own, and he’s doing that to the best of his ability. Let him do that. Get out of the way. Love him as My child, the way I love you. But let him go so that he can be himself, whoever that may be.

We’re in this together. You can come to Me anytime to tell Me your worries and concerns. I’ll listen. I always have. But I may choose to be silent. That’s My way of stretching you and growing you.

I know you love your son, and I love you for that. But ultimately, he is My child, and I know what’s best for him. Entrust him to Me and you will grow. You will find the peace you want. You have so much in your own life to focus on. Focus on growing yourself, and let Me worry about your son.

Loving you always,
~ Your Higher Power
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Old 05-15-2019, 01:01 PM   #17 (permalink)
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FallenAngelina, I cannot thank you enough for this share. These are words to live by...I felt better reading them...and I've read them a few times. This is why I just love this forum.
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