Hummingbird, I completely understand how you feel. The silence can be deafening, and we can never truly know the reason for it in the moment. I try to just breathe, and not let my mind go to those dark and scary imaginings, and live my life enjoying all of my many blessings. I hope that my son will get to the point where he even admits a problem and seeks help. I got a text from him on my birthday last week, and I was grateful. Grateful for a text from the same young man who used to telephone me at 6:00am so he could be the first to wish me a happy birthday. It's sad, but it's his journey, and I hope that things will change in the future for the better. One thing I do know, my son adores me, and I adore him, and nothing can ever change that fact or the deep knowledge of that fact. He just needs to adore himself half as much, and I pray every day that he will.