communication
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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What SparkleKitty said, times a million.
You said he repeatedly insulted and trash talked this woman, yes? And she was paying for everything?
First, it’s pretty rich that now he’s so devastated about her death, given how he treated her.
Second, money is going to be a problem and soon. He could take out loans or credit cards that you as his wife could be stuck paying for.
Protect yourself. You’re a kind, compassionate person and he’s using those qualities against your best interests.
You said he repeatedly insulted and trash talked this woman, yes? And she was paying for everything?
First, it’s pretty rich that now he’s so devastated about her death, given how he treated her.
Second, money is going to be a problem and soon. He could take out loans or credit cards that you as his wife could be stuck paying for.
Protect yourself. You’re a kind, compassionate person and he’s using those qualities against your best interests.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
The point about his debt becoming yours is really important.
I'm sorry I confused the childcare, but I think things won't be better later on in truth.
You can start the healing process so much faster if you can get through this sooner then later.
I'm sorry I confused the childcare, but I think things won't be better later on in truth.
You can start the healing process so much faster if you can get through this sooner then later.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Something that helped pull me out of the codependent thinking (putting the alcoholic's feelings ahead of my own well-being) was to ask myself if he would do the same for me. Would he agonize over how his choices impacted me and the kids? Would he sacrifice his wants for our happiness?
Spoiler alert: the answer was always a big fat "Nope!" He would have dragged us to hell if it meant he could keep on doing what he wanted.
I know how hard it is to shift your thinking after so long prioritizing other people, but self-care isn't selfish.
Spoiler alert: the answer was always a big fat "Nope!" He would have dragged us to hell if it meant he could keep on doing what he wanted.
I know how hard it is to shift your thinking after so long prioritizing other people, but self-care isn't selfish.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Thank you all for helping me to find some clarity. I am getting through the feelings of guilt and I have come to a decision. I am going to get on with the divorce as quickly as possible. I am not going to discuss it with anyone, not my husband, my kids, my friends. I am going to do it as silently as possible, through the lawyer. I am going to extend no contact with my husband to not talking about him either. I am going to do this because if I have any doubts again they will only be fueled by other peoples opinions. Also I won't have to listen to other people slating my husband and telling me he's getting what he deserves. Many of my friends do not hold a high opinion of him at the moment and I really don't want to listen to it. Despite everything I still somehow love him.
So to everyone here who told me this was the way forward several months ago.... It's taken me this long to get here ...... I wasn't ready to hear it back then. I could have saved myself a whole lot of anguish if I hadn't been trying so hard to save my husband from anguish.
He is making plenty of anguish for himself and I don't want to be part of this current theatre. I'm going to exit quietly by the stage door.
So to everyone here who told me this was the way forward several months ago.... It's taken me this long to get here ...... I wasn't ready to hear it back then. I could have saved myself a whole lot of anguish if I hadn't been trying so hard to save my husband from anguish.
He is making plenty of anguish for himself and I don't want to be part of this current theatre. I'm going to exit quietly by the stage door.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
I have just finished a week of silence. I made myself a badge that says "I am in silent contemplation, please respect my process". I stuck it on my top and went about my normal life.
It was fantastic!!! I have had such a gentle, relaxing week. I've been doing little bits and pieces of work, I even went to a BBQ. I have felt so calm and the chatter in my head stopped. Most people went quiet when they read the badge, some talked endlessly, like they had to fill the silence with something and one person shouted at me in the supermarket queue and said she thought it was REALLY STUPID!!!! I just smiled at her. In fact I noticed I smiled a lot over the week!!
Anyone who is struggling with drama or gossip in their life or with the endless mental chatter, I would recommend you give it a go. I almost felt serene!!!
But the main objective was to get the paperwork for the divorce together for the lawyer, which I have done. I was wavering due to feeling guilty about the timing but I have done it by myself without listening to others opinions. I take full responsibility for the timing. I accept it is the only way forward and I am totally committed to the process. I didn't need to churn it over and over in my head or talk endlessly about it with friends.
I'm just waiting for the lawyer to send me his email address. It's all ready to go, I just have to press send .......
It was fantastic!!! I have had such a gentle, relaxing week. I've been doing little bits and pieces of work, I even went to a BBQ. I have felt so calm and the chatter in my head stopped. Most people went quiet when they read the badge, some talked endlessly, like they had to fill the silence with something and one person shouted at me in the supermarket queue and said she thought it was REALLY STUPID!!!! I just smiled at her. In fact I noticed I smiled a lot over the week!!
Anyone who is struggling with drama or gossip in their life or with the endless mental chatter, I would recommend you give it a go. I almost felt serene!!!
But the main objective was to get the paperwork for the divorce together for the lawyer, which I have done. I was wavering due to feeling guilty about the timing but I have done it by myself without listening to others opinions. I take full responsibility for the timing. I accept it is the only way forward and I am totally committed to the process. I didn't need to churn it over and over in my head or talk endlessly about it with friends.
I'm just waiting for the lawyer to send me his email address. It's all ready to go, I just have to press send .......
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
I am really struggling today with overwhelming sadness. I sent all the paperwork for the divorce yesterday so we should get in front of the judge in september, assuming my husband doesn't contest the divorce and we go for 50/50, as we discussed.
I thought I would feel happy or at least relieved that I have got to this point. I just feel so sad and I have lots of very difficult thoughts running through my head. I seem to keep going over the list of everything that has happened in the last year and a half - losing my home, my farm, my family, two major surgeries, cancer, moved house four times., My goats died. The total betrayal of my husband taking another woman into our bed when I was in hospital and subjecting our kids to her crazy behaviour (and his) and there was nothing I could do because I was so ill.
And now she has killed herself and I feel so bad that the day after I heard the news I felt a sense of relief. Not because she was dead but because it was the end of that very destructive relationship. I even thought my husband might stop drinking at that point but he didn't.
And now I have to find the energy for a divorce. I know it won't be easy. Selling our house will take a lot of work., It has to be legalised and I still have to take my stuff out. The farm is neglected and will need a lot of work to get it in shape to sell. I know the divorce won't be the end of the story, it's just the beginning of another one.
And on top of it all I am feeling some kind of resentment to the girlfriend because any hope I had of finding any kind of resolution with my husband has just been overshadowed by her rather dramatic suicide.
I'm so tired of all of this. It seems so surreal. Two years ago life was pretty good. I find it so hard sometimes to accept how wrong everything has gone.
I know I have a lot to be grateful for, I'm just not feeling it today
I thought I would feel happy or at least relieved that I have got to this point. I just feel so sad and I have lots of very difficult thoughts running through my head. I seem to keep going over the list of everything that has happened in the last year and a half - losing my home, my farm, my family, two major surgeries, cancer, moved house four times., My goats died. The total betrayal of my husband taking another woman into our bed when I was in hospital and subjecting our kids to her crazy behaviour (and his) and there was nothing I could do because I was so ill.
And now she has killed herself and I feel so bad that the day after I heard the news I felt a sense of relief. Not because she was dead but because it was the end of that very destructive relationship. I even thought my husband might stop drinking at that point but he didn't.
And now I have to find the energy for a divorce. I know it won't be easy. Selling our house will take a lot of work., It has to be legalised and I still have to take my stuff out. The farm is neglected and will need a lot of work to get it in shape to sell. I know the divorce won't be the end of the story, it's just the beginning of another one.
And on top of it all I am feeling some kind of resentment to the girlfriend because any hope I had of finding any kind of resolution with my husband has just been overshadowed by her rather dramatic suicide.
I'm so tired of all of this. It seems so surreal. Two years ago life was pretty good. I find it so hard sometimes to accept how wrong everything has gone.
I know I have a lot to be grateful for, I'm just not feeling it today
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I found grieving the loss of my marriage took longer and hurt far worse than grieving the death of a loved one. I'm not entirely sure why that is, but it is what I experienced. It took me a couple years to stop feeling like hell every day. I'm happily remarried, living a wonderful, comfortable life, I feel so blessed... yet sometimes I still get slammed into a wall of sadness about how my last marriage ended. It seems to come out of nowhere, I've not identified any triggers, it just... happens. Luckily it happens less and less and doesn't last very long even when it does happen.
I am sorry you are feeling sad Amaranth. Unfortunately it's part of the process. It wont always feel like this. Time really does heal...it just sucks that time takes so damn long... *hugs*
I am sorry you are feeling sad Amaranth. Unfortunately it's part of the process. It wont always feel like this. Time really does heal...it just sucks that time takes so damn long... *hugs*
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,648
You have a new home now, the farm is gone, it was probably a nice comfortable place to live but it would not be any longer, you are far better off where you are and where you will be.
You are on your way to great health, you took care of what you had to and you are now healing, that's truly wonderful.
Your Husband went off the alcoholic deep end and ended up with an addict. Yes, she lived in your former residence, yes she was around your children. She's gone. Of course that is nothing to be grateful for, but she is gone.
So all in all, right now, you are pretty settled.
You do have to do the legalities of the divorce, but even the worst of that is over, it's filed and will proceed. The farm will be sold whether you fix it up or not is your choice.
Your children will no longer be hanging out in the old place they had become attached to and therefore will be spending less time with your ex (I'm guessing).
Anyway, you are on the other side of all those negative things Amaranth. Time to take a deep breath and be amazed at your strength and look after yourself, relax a bit, you are worth it.
You are on your way to great health, you took care of what you had to and you are now healing, that's truly wonderful.
Your Husband went off the alcoholic deep end and ended up with an addict. Yes, she lived in your former residence, yes she was around your children. She's gone. Of course that is nothing to be grateful for, but she is gone.
So all in all, right now, you are pretty settled.
You do have to do the legalities of the divorce, but even the worst of that is over, it's filed and will proceed. The farm will be sold whether you fix it up or not is your choice.
Your children will no longer be hanging out in the old place they had become attached to and therefore will be spending less time with your ex (I'm guessing).
Anyway, you are on the other side of all those negative things Amaranth. Time to take a deep breath and be amazed at your strength and look after yourself, relax a bit, you are worth it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Amaranth......it is quite common, when one is grieving.....which I suspect you are--you have recently lost so much....to ruminate about that which is lost...to go over and over all of the details, in your mind---sort of like "re-chewing" everything.....
This is like a phase of the whole process.....
It won't always be like this....
This is like a phase of the whole process.....
It won't always be like this....
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sweetie...if it hadn’t been this woman it would have been a different one or some other distraction to enable his addiction. Blaming her for his choices isn’t really your style, is it? You know you’ll just feel mad at yourself for that later.
Grieving is complex, gruesomely painful, and really weird. My heart goes out to you.
Grieving is complex, gruesomely painful, and really weird. My heart goes out to you.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Thank you all for the replies. You are all helping me so much to process all of this.
Sweetie...if it hadn’t been this woman it would have been a different one or some other distraction to enable his addiction. Blaming her for his choices isn’t really your style, is it? You know you’ll just feel mad at yourself for that later.
The thing is, I didn't think I was blaming her. At least I didn't when she was alive. I was very aware of what my husband was doing. Trying to play us off against one another to create a drama, a distraction from the real issue ..... his drinking. In studies of narcissistic behaviours it's called triangulation .... creating a love triangle.
I even discussed this with her one time I saw them together in the bar. I told her there's no point fighting it out with me. Neither of us will ever be number one, alcohol will always have that position. You're with him now, I'm not. Me and him just have to sort stuff out, our divorce, our kids. The boring stuff. He's yours now, you can do all the fun stuff with him.
She believed she destroyed the marriage, or so someone told me. Actually several people. Apparently it was her repetitive drunken loop in the bar. She didn't. I know that. The marriage was destroyed by alcohol. I had moved out of the family home 5 months before she even moved to our town. I never blamed her and I was always polite to her. The first time I met her I introduced myself, shook her hand and told her it didn't need to be awkward between us.
I suspect my husband told her she had wrecked the marriage. I heard him one night telling her she had ruined his life. He treated her badly and I challenged him over it many times. She was his supplier, his enabler, his scapegoat, his human shield. And she was desperately and hopelessly in love with him. I felt sorry for her.
But now I'm kind of angry because I feel like she has trumped me or something. These are horrible feelings I am experiencing, I don't like them at all. Is it my ego? It just seems like all my experiences and pain are kind of irrelevant because I am still here, I'm still alive and she's not. I think I feel like she's belittled my experience or something. I don't see how I can get any closure with my husband over my hurts when the hurts caused by her death are so huge.
I feel angry because I fought for my life, I worked hard to not die and to get better. I even wrote a will before I went for surgery. She just made the decision to die. I can't quite get my head around it.
She had it all ... money, her house, my house, my husband, didn't need to work, always going on little holidays, constant parties, seemed to have her health, a daughter ........ life was fun, fun, fun
I was very clear with my husband that I wasn't going to do jealousy or resentment. I couldn't afford to. These are the emotions that feed cancer, I know that. I don't want to grow more cancer. I accepted his choice to be with her.
I don't know what's happening here. Maybe filing the divorce papers has taken some kind of lid off and all these horrible feelings are just flooding out. Maybe I need professional help. Also, I keep forgetting I'm having menopause. It comes on instantly after the ovaries are removed.
Sweetie...if it hadn’t been this woman it would have been a different one or some other distraction to enable his addiction. Blaming her for his choices isn’t really your style, is it? You know you’ll just feel mad at yourself for that later.
The thing is, I didn't think I was blaming her. At least I didn't when she was alive. I was very aware of what my husband was doing. Trying to play us off against one another to create a drama, a distraction from the real issue ..... his drinking. In studies of narcissistic behaviours it's called triangulation .... creating a love triangle.
I even discussed this with her one time I saw them together in the bar. I told her there's no point fighting it out with me. Neither of us will ever be number one, alcohol will always have that position. You're with him now, I'm not. Me and him just have to sort stuff out, our divorce, our kids. The boring stuff. He's yours now, you can do all the fun stuff with him.
She believed she destroyed the marriage, or so someone told me. Actually several people. Apparently it was her repetitive drunken loop in the bar. She didn't. I know that. The marriage was destroyed by alcohol. I had moved out of the family home 5 months before she even moved to our town. I never blamed her and I was always polite to her. The first time I met her I introduced myself, shook her hand and told her it didn't need to be awkward between us.
I suspect my husband told her she had wrecked the marriage. I heard him one night telling her she had ruined his life. He treated her badly and I challenged him over it many times. She was his supplier, his enabler, his scapegoat, his human shield. And she was desperately and hopelessly in love with him. I felt sorry for her.
But now I'm kind of angry because I feel like she has trumped me or something. These are horrible feelings I am experiencing, I don't like them at all. Is it my ego? It just seems like all my experiences and pain are kind of irrelevant because I am still here, I'm still alive and she's not. I think I feel like she's belittled my experience or something. I don't see how I can get any closure with my husband over my hurts when the hurts caused by her death are so huge.
I feel angry because I fought for my life, I worked hard to not die and to get better. I even wrote a will before I went for surgery. She just made the decision to die. I can't quite get my head around it.
She had it all ... money, her house, my house, my husband, didn't need to work, always going on little holidays, constant parties, seemed to have her health, a daughter ........ life was fun, fun, fun
I was very clear with my husband that I wasn't going to do jealousy or resentment. I couldn't afford to. These are the emotions that feed cancer, I know that. I don't want to grow more cancer. I accepted his choice to be with her.
I don't know what's happening here. Maybe filing the divorce papers has taken some kind of lid off and all these horrible feelings are just flooding out. Maybe I need professional help. Also, I keep forgetting I'm having menopause. It comes on instantly after the ovaries are removed.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
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I'm happily remarried, living a wonderful, comfortable life, I feel so blessed...
SBM, this is so good to hear. And thank you so much for sticking around the forum to share your message of hope and recovery.
SBM, this is so good to hear. And thank you so much for sticking around the forum to share your message of hope and recovery.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Anyway, you are on the other side of all those negative things Amaranth. Time to take a deep breath and be amazed at your strength and look after yourself, relax a bit, you are worth it.
yes, thank you trailmix for reminding me to look ahead rather than behind. I have got to the other side of a lot of things lately. Deep breaths.
yes, thank you trailmix for reminding me to look ahead rather than behind. I have got to the other side of a lot of things lately. Deep breaths.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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When my ex had an affair and then divorced me, I had a wide, wide variety of feelings. It was not the prettiest of divorces, and he wasn't an alcoholic or addict. I felt anger, sadness, guilt, yes guilt...even though he was the unfaithful one who started the divorce.
I think all of these feelings are natural. Any time we bond with someone, it's going to hurt when that relationship ends--even when we know in our mind that it is for the best.
I think all of these feelings are natural. Any time we bond with someone, it's going to hurt when that relationship ends--even when we know in our mind that it is for the best.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by Amaranth 
She had it all ... money, her house, my house, my husband, didn't need to work, always going on little holidays, constant parties, seemed to have her health, a daughter ........ life was fun, fun, fun
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I don't know what's happening here. Maybe filing the divorce papers has taken some kind of lid off and all these horrible feelings are just flooding out. Maybe I need professional help. Also, I keep forgetting I'm having menopause. It comes on instantly after the ovaries are removed.
------------
I don't know what's happening here. Maybe filing the divorce papers has taken some kind of lid off and all these horrible feelings are just flooding out. Maybe I need professional help. Also, I keep forgetting I'm having menopause. It comes on instantly after the ovaries are removed.
There you are, going through this semi-hell and your "husband" is partying up large with a woman that doesn't seem to have a care in the world.
You know how it is sometimes mentioned that the "party" alcoholics and addicts seem to be having is really just a covering of emotions and an addiction that just won't leave them alone, that was her lot too. What he has and what she had, you don't want any part of.
I think it's important to look at the reality of addiction. It's not fun, it's horrible. She obviously had huge demons she couldn't deal with. Being called a home breaker and who knows what else didn't help her.
Be so grateful that you separated yourself from this man. Any man that would push his family away and then bring in another woman and abuse her that way is someone you want no part of. He is not whomever he was however many years ago.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
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Yes I hear what you're saying about the "party". I often think my husband drinks not because he likes being drunk but because he can't stand being sober. He can't stand himself.
It's hard for me to hear you call him a horrible man. I know you have formed those opinions on the grounds of things I have posted here. Yes, he has done horrible things. I have made him out to be horrible. In my heart he is not a horrible person.
But he is behaving like one. Maybe he has become one? That is so very hard for me to take on board. I ask myself why. Because he is the person I chose to be the father of my children? Because my children are half him half me? I desperately want him to be a good person. I want to know I made a good choice of father for my kids.
The thing is I really believe he could have been a good person and was in a lot of ways for a lot of the time. I'm not so sure any more that he could be a good person again.
Is this what alcohol does? Just turns people into some else, so far from who they really are? Is there really a point of no return?
It's hard for me to hear you call him a horrible man. I know you have formed those opinions on the grounds of things I have posted here. Yes, he has done horrible things. I have made him out to be horrible. In my heart he is not a horrible person.
But he is behaving like one. Maybe he has become one? That is so very hard for me to take on board. I ask myself why. Because he is the person I chose to be the father of my children? Because my children are half him half me? I desperately want him to be a good person. I want to know I made a good choice of father for my kids.
The thing is I really believe he could have been a good person and was in a lot of ways for a lot of the time. I'm not so sure any more that he could be a good person again.
Is this what alcohol does? Just turns people into some else, so far from who they really are? Is there really a point of no return?
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