trailmix

I'm glad it went well!

I suspect, based on what you have posted, that he is used to you organizing everything? So perhaps he is happy to let you organize this as well, which is not a bad thing.

I'm guessing that has always been a big part in this family - you, the strong one, organizing everything, taking care of everything and everyone.

That is why your children appear to be "taking care" of Dad. They are used to seeing that and therefore they think he needs that taking care of. Even if alcohol wasn't involved - which it is - which adds another whole layer to it.

In alcoholic households the family unit tends to function around the alcoholic.

I've said this a few times here but hey, I think it bears repeating. In all cases it's important that the children are given all the facts, while they are growing up and when they are adults. Otherwise the spouse can end up looking like the "bad guy".

While that sounds almost petty, it isn't. Everyone wants to have a good relationship with their children and honesty about alcoholism and the role it has in the family is part of building that relationship.

You don't get any extra brownie points for taking care of the alcoholic and in fact you can certainly end up appearing to be the "bad guy" deserting this person who needs so much taking care of.

Amaranth

I woke up with a terrible feeling of foreboding today. Thinking about my chat with my husband yesterday I think he has really fried his mainframe. He contradicted himself so many times and couldn't stay on topic. He kept getting back into talking about his car troubles.

I think I have a long road ahead of me. He just says things for the sake of saying things. I'm glad he took some notes because I wouldn't be surprised if he denied everything he said next time we meet. He contradicted himself so much everything he said can't be true.

I went to see the free women's lawyer today. She wasn't there because it'e international women's day!! ha ha !! I'll go next week, she's only there on Fridays.

I'm feeling very anxious now . It's also very difficult to see someone I have loved so much reduced to some kind of lost it. It's incredible that he hasn't even considered divorce or being forced to sell up. Or has he considered all possibilities and he's just playing games?

Just venting. Feeling a bit confused.

FeelingGreat

Hi Amaranth, I'm glad yesterday's lunch wasn't too traumatic. I've come across the sort of innocence about divorce that you describe in him before, both in males and females. Did you organise the finances by any chance?

I remember my sister (also an A) coming home from her first lawyer consultation saying they would have to sell the house, a fact that had been obvious to everyone else for months. I suppose they live in their own world, and are shocked when the real thing smacks them in the face.

It may make things easier for you though, if he's happy to let you do some of the donkey work. Good to hear he's not too enmeshed with the GF too.

atalose

I think on some level you are expecting “normal” from an alcoholic. Normal rational clear thinking about grown up stuff and that may not be possible with him. I would venture to say he’s not thinking about much of anything except not to run out of booze and to allow everyone else to handle his responsibilities.

In my opinion the worse person to negotiate any divorce deal with is someone who doesn’t have the full capacity to do so.

Us codies fear confrontation, fear emotional reactions and are often un-sure and un-skilled on how to handle them. That’s one big reason why we’ve spent so long walking around on egg shells. We tend to not stick up for ourselves, we avoid confrontation at all costs. We jump into people pleasing mode trying to make it all work out without any fireworks even if it means we get burned in that process.

I think your road ahead is going to be as long as you allow it to be.

I don’t think I would be having any further conversations with him about splitting anything up or the value of anything, not until after you’ve consulted an attorney.
Confusion comes from not living in or accepting reality, because there really isn’t anything confusing at all about reality it’s just that we don’t want to accept it.

Amaranth

I'm feeling so angry today and I just don't know what to do with the anger.

I have stuck to my course, done all my paperwork and my application for the legal aid is in. I tried to contact my husband because I needed a bit of paperwork from the house but he wouldn't answer the phone to me. Eventually I messaged to say I would pop round the house later to pick it up. Of course he phoned straight away and brought me the item in less than half an hour!! I met him in the street, his girlfriend was in the car. She waited 100 meters away. It was all OK then he suddenly started yelling, calling me a liar. I ended up saying "we have to talk. I've applied for legal aid for the divorce". I actually shouted it up the street behind him as he was walking away. It was horrible, I don't want to communicate like that. He came back, it was OK again for a bit. I said we agreed to be nice to each other, we agreed we would do it nicely at least of the sake of the kids. He listened and then started shouting at me again, LIAR!! YOU LEFT ME!!!

Later that day he texted an apology and said he wasn't feeling well.

So all OK. A few days later, his girlfriend starts sending messages to my friend and posting stuff on facebook. Apparently she is broken hearted, it is all over for her and the best bloke she ever had. She's leaving town, blah blah blah, the wife wins. Poor me poor me poor me.

The whole time I have been going through the surgery for cancer and waiting for results of tests and being unable to work and having nowhere to live and having no money (I hear a bit of poor me myself here!!) She has been drinking with my husband, sleeping in my bed with him etc etc. I haven't felt angry once. I have felt a lot of things, but anger has not featured.

I'm feeling very angry now and I'm not even sure why. Because she made a public appeal for sympathy? Because she broadcast on facebook that she and my husband are in love with each other? Because "I win"?

What exactly have I won? I have lost my health, my home, my husband. My whole life is rearranged. She feels so broken after a few months with him. I was with him for 18 years!! I guess I am angry because she is publicly minimising my experience. I don't need her to acknowledge my hurt and I just can't understand why I am so angry.

I have been working so hard not to feel resentment, bitterness and jealousy because I know these are the emotions that will cause me to grow more cancer. And it seems they have split up and now I feel angry?? Surely I should be happy? Or at least relieved.

I guess they'll be back together by the weekend anyway.

I don't like feeling angry and I don't know what to do with it. Any suggestions?

TropicalWinter

I have found that having as little contact as possible with my to-be ex has been hugely helpful for my mental and emotional wellbeing. We used to "talk" and discuss things, and I kind of now see it as a manipulation tactic on his part. I went so far as to create a new email account solely for him, and that is the only way I will communicate with him - texting is for emergencies only involving the kids, and no face-to-face discussions.

He is not my friend, and he does not have my best interests at heart. If it's in email, it's documented. It's easier to get him out of my head and find peace when I don't talk to him.

You may not have to take it to the extent that I have, but I fully believe that in a divorce situation, one, the more documentation you have, the better, and two, the less face to face contact you have, the better.

AutumnMama

I have noticed that the anger comes in waves, but it is never a permanent feeling. Sometimes I actually enjoy feeling angry--because it's an emotion that can really get stuff accomplished. You probably aren't really just angry at her-it's probably a conglomeration of all the stuff you've been through, and her idiocy was just the straw that broke the camels back.

I wouldn't get upset about feeling angry. You have every right to be angry! Sometimes to get an emotion to leave, you have to FEEL it.

Amaranth

Hi Tropicalwinter
yes I agree no contact is often much easier but living in such a small town it's almost impossible. It's also awkward for the kids and mutual friends. I would love to get to a place that we can co-exist. I don't hate him, I understand he is unwell and not himself.

But yes I am keeping the contact to the absolute minimum

Amaranth

Thank you autumnmama for the permission to be angry!! Maybe I do just need to stop fighting it and FEEL it!!

When my kid goes out later i'll put on some punk music and have a good rant.

hopeful4

There are normally lots of other feelings lurking underneath anger. You are going through an extremely difficult time, give yourself the time and space to honor those feelings and move through them, peacefully if possible.

Sending many hugs and lots of support.

trailmix

This is an excellent plan!! Trying not to feel angry kind-of, sort-of works (I know as I do this myself) but I agree there are usually other things lurking under there and venting it out is excellent (I don't do this enough).

But anyhoo, I try to avoid anger generally and I also find when I am angry it definitely is coming from a place of sadness or frustration and that can only go on for so long before it comes out somewhere!

May as well be listening to loud music : )

I can see getting angry about the posting btw. There you are sitting there, minding your own business and all this quacking appears. If she had just stuck to her story, that's one thing (although why anyone would post anything like this on FB I will never understand - well I know why they do, but geez) - but then she had to drag you in to it and tried to make you the bad guy. As much as we want to take the high road, reading something like that is unexpected and a jolt to your equilibrium - so I totally understand.

Amaranth

A bit of loud guitar music worked wonders for my anger. Today I'm beginning to see what's underneath it all.

Things have been really clear for me lately... I left because of the drinking, he's not been interested in working on our marriage, he got a new partner, we get divorced

Now his girlfriend has blamed me for their split and somehow seems to be saying I can have him back. As long as he is with her, that's not an option. It hasn't been an option for a long time but now I have been going there in my head....maybe he's seen the light!! maybe he'll get better now!! if he's not with her maybe we can work it out....

I feel like I've taken a step backwards. I am so committed to getting divorced and moving on with my life but now I have some nagging doubts. I hope they will pass. I have done so much work on acceptance, letting go, moving on.

I guess it's much easier to do these things when he is with someone else. I waited so long for him to get sober inside the marriage and he didn't do it. I just don't want to go down that dead end in my head again....

trailmix

Your reaction seems normal to me. As much work as you have done, the mind will wander to things sometimes. It's just a thought, that's all and your mind wanted to hash it through. It will probably seem much less like any kind of good idea by tomorrow!

If you find yourself ruminating about it perhaps go back and read your other threads or write down a list of all the reasons why you are doing what you are doing, or both. This will help to bring clarity.

I know you have had a very trying time lately and you have posted about being at a bit of a loose end since leaving. Have you shored up any plans for yourself?

Amaranth

Have you shored up any plans for yourself?

No, I don't have much of a plan. I think you've hit on something there Trailmix.
I'm a farmer and I'm signed off work at least till I see the consultant at the end of next month...... also I don't seem to have a farm at the moment...... I could claim it back from my husband, he's not interested in it but I'm just not well enough to work it at the moment.
It is a waiting game, waiting to get well again, waiting for the future to reveal itself, waiting to find some work. I don't want to add waiting for my husband to get better to that list......

I have a few tiny enterprises going on but they won't pay the bills.

trailmix

Yes, especially when a financial crunch time is incoming the past way can seem tempting.

So if I'm remembering correctly he thinks you should keep the house "for the kids", you would like to sell or at the very least have him buy you out.

Really at this point there is no other financial option as I'm understanding it so that is perhaps where you should focus. Don't feel mean (if you do) you need a roof over your head (and a lot less stress!).

I would get that ball rolling right away. I would make it clear to him that he has 2 options. If you are lucky he might go along with it, however if that's not the case you will have no choice but to get legal assistance. You might present the idea as saving you both money if you can do this yourselves (which of course, it would).

Handling it yourselves is fine as long as he doesn't drag his feet. You will still need a basic written agreement to protect yourself.

Will any of that work for you?

Amaranth

option 3 is he builds me a house on the farm. I'm not interested in that anymore. At some point it seemed like a good solution. It meant I wouldn't have to give up my farm. But I'm ready to move on now. Although I don't know where to....

Yes, the past can seem tempting some days

I've applied for legal aid. I should be assigned a lawyer in a month. I guess there's nothing to do until I get that letter. Nothing to do but wait.....

thank you trailmix for helping me find some clarity

rae145

My ex husband really said some horrible things about my replacement. Even laughing about her and giving examples of her craziness. Then he married her! Lol glad i didnt win that prize back

Amaranth

I've ridden the wave of grief again this weekend. My kids told me they would hate me forever if the house has to get sold. I told them I was starting the divorce proceedings. Turns out they already knew, husband told them. He also told them the house is theirs and it's not for sale.

I phoned my husband in the end, I was so upset. Turns out he is away for a few days with his girlfriend. The big break up must have lasted about 2 days. He said I'd ruined his weekend because I phoned him.

I'm a bit fed up of being blamed for everything. I grieved long and hard over the weekend. I don't want my kids to hate me. But I know the only thing I can do is push on, get divorced, get my half and move on to better things. I need to get out of all this drama.

I would love for it all be settled amicably but I'm not going to just walk away with nothing because I am being threatened with the kids taking their love away. They have been misinformed by their dad. The house does not belong to them.

It's a really low tactic just so my husband can stay in the house and carry on with his life as if nothing has happened. It's making me so sad.

SparkleKitty

If husband wants the house--for himself or for the kids--he can buy out your share. Happens all the time in divorces. And best of all, your lawyer can coordinate the logistics and you do not have to be the one dealing with him.

ladyscribbler

That's good news. I had a legal aid lawyer for my custody case, and it worked out well.

It was very helpful for my boundaries to be able to reply, "have your attorney contact my attorney," whenever the quacking started.

My thinking was still distorted by the habit of ascribing more meaning to his words than his actions. It was shocking to me how low he was willing to stoop. This was someone that I thought was my soul mate.

I was also anxious about every tiny step of the process- depending on your location and the amount of conflict, stuff can drag on. Mine lasted a year, because ex insisted on going to trial. So if I could go back and give myself advice, it would be "Breathe more; worry less."