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Why do things have to be this hard?

Old 09-15-2018, 05:36 PM
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Why do things have to be this hard?

So far today has been a horrible day. I'm a wreck right now.

My cousin went with me to take DS7 to catechism. STBAXH was following behind us in his car. As we were getting ready to park I saw my STBAXH's female friend. She was parked right in front of the school with her kids in the car. He then parked in front of her and she drove off (no, her kids do not attend catechism. Saturdays are for the elementary children. Her kids are in high school.) I was in shock. I told my cousin to park somewhere else. DS7 has no idea whats been going on with his Dad seeing other women. My Mom arrived at the school. I told her that his female friend was parked in the front of the school. I was angry because I had made it perfectly clear to him that his "friend" has no business being around my children. We walked DS7 to his class. I helped my son find his seat. He was just lurking around. I wasn't going to leave until he left. I then told his catechism teacher whats going on and to please keep an eye on his Father if he does come around. She told me to talk to the director so I went and told her the same thing. The director wanted he looks like so I told her when I come back to pick DS7 and if he is there I would call her outside so she can see him. My mom pulled my STBAXH outside to talk to him. It was very obvious that it was a setup by both of them to be there at the same time knowing that I would be there with my son. My Mom told him "whats going, why is your "friend" coming around here. He responded with " I don't know what you are talking about." She said "you know exactly what I am talking. That woman has no business being around my daughter or the kids." She also told him that "she doesn't want the kids to be negatively effected by it." He said "okay." Then left.

My cousin went back with me to pick up DS7. That women was there again. It look like she was picking up a small child. She looked like she was in bad mood. I have never seen her at my church and have never seen her at the religious classes. I don't even know if she is Catholic. I signed DS7 out and his father was parked next to my car. I took DS7 to his car then left.

I have several safety concerns.

-Since June when I got to pick up kids. I have seen her pass by his parents house at 2pm while I am waiting outside. She has no business being there during the exchanges and is psycho for lurking around.
- There has been at least twice when I have seen her while my kids were in the car that she just stares in the car making dirty faces.
-She has a violent history of getting into physical altercations.
-Her parents are both drug addicts.
-She neglects her own children by leaving them by themselves overnight 3 to 4 nights out of the week.
-I have seen her maybe 2 times around my house. She knows where I live.

I do worry because I have been told by other people not to "mess" with her because they have seen her get into fist fights with other females. She does try to stare me down while I am driving with my kids. I get that vibe that she wants to start an issue. I worry about her trying to do something in front of our kids like start an argument or fight with me. I don't want to get into any type of physical fight with her. My mom's theory is that she is "insecure" because I am "younger and pretty than her."

I had never addressed all my concerns with STBAXH. I didnt want him to think that I was jealous or trying to cause issues between them. But I feel today was a setup. I feel like they both were trying to be there at the same time knowing that I would there with my son. I finally texted him and told him my list of concerns. He never responded. I also told him that if she ever tries to be inappropriate or aggressive to me or my kids. I will call the police on her.

I have been doing so good with keeping a peaceful tone but now seeing her around my kids catechism school is concerning for me. I always feel like I let things go with him then he tries to find a new way to push against the boundary lines.

I feel horrible. I just want things to be peaceful. I want my kids to be left alone. I want to be left alone. I want this horrible nightmare to go away. I do my best to shield my kids from all the bad decisions he makes. I don't know why he continues to try to make things so difficult. I need support right now and I'm not okay and have been crying all day. Positive words only please.
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Old 09-15-2018, 05:59 PM
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Hi mamabear,

This stuff sucks. It's scary, it's hurtful and as much as I tried working it out with other people in 'reasonable' ways, that never worked. It often got me more wound up and the hurtful, toxic people in my life had fun with it.

So I pray. And I pray to know more about praying. And I prayed for new things, new skills, new thoughts. I opened my heart to doing things in new ways. And time and again, when I couldn't move forward in good ways, I was at least open to God's hand pushing me to a good new action.

Sometimes it's been an Al-anon meeting.

Sometimes it's calling the domestic abuse help hotline or going to one of the centers. These people have helped me many times. They often see things I don't, and are great listeners who encourage me in healthy ways. They've been advocates for me and kid.

One day at a time. Let and let God. What's for dinner tonight?

(((hugs)))
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Old 09-15-2018, 06:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Mango212 View Post
Hi mamabear,

This stuff sucks. It's scary, it's hurtful and as much as I tried working it out with other people in 'reasonable' ways, that never worked. It often got me more wound up and the hurtful, toxic people in my life had fun with it.

So I pray. And I pray to know more about praying. And I prayed for new things, new skills, new thoughts. I opened my heart to doing things in new ways. And time and again, when I couldn't move forward in good ways, I was at least open to God's hand pushing me to a good new action.

Sometimes it's been an Al-anon meeting.

Sometimes it's calling the domestic abuse help hotline or going to one of the centers. These people have helped me many times. They often see things I don't, and are great listeners who encourage me in healthy ways. They've been advocates for me and kid.

One day at a time. Let and let God. What's for dinner tonight?

(((hugs)))
Thank you for your comforting words Mango. Will the domestic abuse hotline take my call even though I'm not in any danger?
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Old 09-15-2018, 06:20 PM
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Yes.

If you can't get through to a local one, it's okay to pray and find another somewhere else to call. People helping people. God working through us.

When dealing with mentally unstable people, we may be in danger without seeing it clearly, or feel in danger when we aren't. Both Al-anon and domestic violence help centers have me in dealing with these things.
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Old 09-15-2018, 06:34 PM
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Ugh...

Hang in there. He is trying to get a reaction. And she seems unhinged.

Probably distancing yourself from either one is in order. Different church?


Sorry you are going through this - dealing with addicts is hard enough, they like to throw unhinged “other women” in the mix for extra fun. I was dealing with one for a couple of weeks. She went away, fortunately.
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Old 09-15-2018, 06:41 PM
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Kid and I have been listening to TobyMac and Jamie Grace again lately. Loving, needing and allowing more positivity.

Jamie Grace, Hold Me - featuring TobyMac

https://youtu.be/ISgr8SgCYbY


mamabear, are you emphathic?

Self-care Haven talk about some good ways to deal with toxic people:

https://youtu.be/H2IIsMyFxSQ
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Old 09-15-2018, 07:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Mango212 View Post
Yes.

If you can't get through to a local one, it's okay to pray and find another somewhere else to call. People helping people. God working through us.

When dealing with mentally unstable people, we may be in danger without seeing it clearly, or feel in danger when we aren't. Both Al-anon and domestic violence help centers have me in dealing with these things.
Thank you Mango for the resource. I will look into it.
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Old 09-15-2018, 07:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Nata1980 View Post
Ugh...

Hang in there. He is trying to get a reaction. And she seems unhinged.

Probably distancing yourself from either one is in order. Different church?


Sorry you are going through this - dealing with addicts is hard enough, they like to throw unhinged “other women” in the mix for extra fun. I was dealing with one for a couple of weeks. She went away, fortunately.
I believe he is. I have been doing great by keeping my distance. Then he found a way to get me to give him any type of attention. I hope thus one goes away and finds a better one.

If he actually found a good woman. Who had a good job, was a good mother, had good moral and values I would be open to getting to know her. But I have already had a run with this one. And she is as trashy and classless as described to me.

Unfortunately, my son is already registered on catechism for this church to I have been going to since birth. So I'll have to stick it out.
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Old 09-15-2018, 07:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Mango212 View Post
Kid and I have been listening to TobyMac and Jamie Grace again lately. Loving, needing and allowing more positivity.

Jamie Grace, Hold Me - featuring TobyMac

https://youtu.be/ISgr8SgCYbY


mamabear, are you emphathic?

Self-care Haven talk about some good ways to deal with toxic people:

https://youtu.be/H2IIsMyFxSQ
I believe that I am empathetic. Thank you again Mango I'll check it out. I just came back from church so I'm feeling slightly better.
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Old 09-17-2018, 09:55 AM
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Hi mamabear,

One of the things I noticed myself doing in early recovery is that I was doing good, healthy actions that were greatly helping me, then I'd stop doing them.

"This is really helping; I think I'll stop" syndrome.

Recognizing if this is happening can help in overcoming it. Healthy, helpful actions sprinkled throughout every day become foundations for big changes.

This also helps me on hard days to step away from the personal judgements. I can look more objectively at my actions and understand I'm doing healthy things or recognize that I need to.

The three A's: Awareness. Acceptance. Action.

As awareness and acceptance come first, the actions we take are more powerful.
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Old 09-17-2018, 10:52 AM
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I'm making a lot of assumptions here & that's not normally ok with me, but I'm going to throw out what my spidey-senses are saying anyway.

Is it possible that she's the one pushing this - insisting on being there in your face in order to calm her own insecurities? That when he told her about the classes & your insistence on driving DS there, she melted down on him & demanded to be included somehow? If it was his idea, wouldn't he have defended himself to your mother a bit more instead of just "ok" & walking away? Her bad mood = angry at her lack of control over this situation?

Again - assumptions here, not facts.
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Old 09-17-2018, 11:19 AM
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I totally agree with your spidey senses FireSprite. All the following around this woman has done, from months ago even, adds weight to this observation I think.

The fact that there is now a mystery child that she has to drop off at the same class as Mamabear's backs it up too. Someone's poor child has been dragged in to the drama.

I'd be very careful Mamabear, hell hath no fury etc - even though she isn't being scorned as such she obviously seems to be carrying around a lot of resentment and your ex is allowing himself to be pulled all ways.
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Old 09-17-2018, 11:28 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I totally agree with your spidey senses FireSprite. All the following around this woman has done, from months ago even, adds weight to this observation I think.
Ah, see, I missed that part but it definitely reinforces my thoughts.

She's unhinged & he's abdicating to her - but that won't last for long considering her penchant for physical altercations.

The very SECOND you have the grounds to file a restraining order - DO IT. You cannot count on him to put you or the kids ahead of her histrionics. He'll take the path of least resistance & if she's the loud screaming wheel right now, he'll give in to her demands just to shut her up.... you can't quack louder than her no matter how hard you try.

I love when one dysfunctional person gets into a relationship with someone just as unhinged as they are & they can't figure out how to manage it because they can't actually deal with themselves, so they can't deal with those same qualities in others either. It always looks so appealing until reality hits & then it dissolves faster than sugar in a rain storm.
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Old 09-17-2018, 01:35 PM
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My XAH's wife will not let him be in the same room as me or even in my driveway w/out her being there (for kid functions). It's crazy. It's because she is so very insecure. She then gets pi$$y that she has to attend functions she does not want to b/c she won't allow her own husband (My XAH) to attend w/out her. He also finds any which way to text me about something. I just don't answer.

I would simply ignore her, and if she is ever aggressive I would call the police. Unfortunately, you are on public property and cannot do much about it in the mean time.

Sending you huge hugs and lots of peace.
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Old 09-17-2018, 03:09 PM
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Sounds like time to consult a lawyer.
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Old 09-17-2018, 03:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Mango212 View Post
Hi mamabear,

One of the things I noticed myself doing in early recovery is that I was doing good, healthy actions that were greatly helping me, then I'd stop doing them.

"This is really helping; I think I'll stop" syndrome.

Recognizing if this is happening can help in overcoming it. Healthy, helpful actions sprinkled throughout every day become foundations for big changes.

This also helps me on hard days to step away from the personal judgements. I can look more objectively at my actions and understand I'm doing healthy things or recognize that I need to.

The three A's: Awareness. Acceptance. Action.

As awareness and acceptance come first, the actions we take are more powerful.
Yes I think that I possible may have this "syndrome" where I feel like I'm doing good and stop. I've gotten better and reeling myself when I'm having an anxiety attack or getting very upset. I guess it takes time.
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Old 09-17-2018, 03:47 PM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
I'm making a lot of assumptions here & that's not normally ok with me, but I'm going to throw out what my spidey-senses are saying anyway.

Is it possible that she's the one pushing this - insisting on being there in your face in order to calm her own insecurities? That when he told her about the classes & your insistence on driving DS there, she melted down on him & demanded to be included somehow? If it was his idea, wouldn't he have defended himself to your mother a bit more instead of just "ok" & walking away? Her bad mood = angry at her lack of control over this situation?

Again - assumptions here, not facts.
I would say that is a good assumption. My Mom thinks that she is very insecure. I do believe at the end of the day that it is his responsibility to keep her on check and away from events that aren't her business.
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Old 09-17-2018, 03:52 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I totally agree with your spidey senses FireSprite. All the following around this woman has done, from months ago even, adds weight to this observation I think.

The fact that there is now a mystery child that she has to drop off at the same class as Mamabear's backs it up too. Someone's poor child has been dragged in to the drama.

I'd be very careful Mamabear, hell hath no fury etc - even though she isn't being scorned as such she obviously seems to be carrying around a lot of resentment and your ex is allowing himself to be pulled all ways.
I'm keeping my documentation about her. I didn't want to make this a big deal. But it just seems calculated that she keeps popping up in places I have never seen her before. It's disappointing to see how my X is letting this woman get involved at the end of day he is just jeopardizing the thin line of custody he has over his kids.
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Old 09-17-2018, 04:00 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
My XAH's wife will not let him be in the same room as me or even in my driveway w/out her being there (for kid functions). It's crazy. It's because she is so very insecure. She then gets pi$$y that she has to attend functions she does not want to b/c she won't allow her own husband (My XAH) to attend w/out her. He also finds any which way to text me about something. I just don't answer.

I would simply ignore her, and if she is ever aggressive I would call the police. Unfortunately, you are on public property and cannot do much about it in the mean time.

Sending you huge hugs and lots of peace.
I have a feeling she will be the same way. I do have a bad feeling that she will try to get aggressive with me at some point. I've heard from several people she is a "wild" one. The one time that I approached her to have a conversation. She asked me if my STBAXH calls me. I was honest with her and told her yes. She looked upset. Little does she know after I had that one conversation with her and just before I cut off phone contact with him. He was begging me to go to the movies with him and the kids on his weekend. I think deep down she knows she will never compare to me. He is technically still my husband (legally and through our church) so she shouldn't be proud of her behavior of being with a "married" man.
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Old 09-18-2018, 08:17 AM
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My XAH would come back to me in a heart beat. His wife knows that, and it creates lots of insecurity. So, they choose to take that insecurity out on others. She is also a miserable person. He only moved in w/her b/c he lost his job and could not keep his place. He then only married her b/c she said if you are going to stay here we will get married.

There is not much you can do about it at this point as long as she stays on public property and is not really doing anything.

I would be very self aware. And yes, I agree, she should not feel good about being with a married man. However, the morals an values of so many today are non existent.
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