2kind4me

Hello all
Despite advice to the contrary, I returned to the relationship with my RBF. we do not live together but have dated for almost 6 years. His alcOhollsm became evident in February. He had a brief relapse in July. He’s now around 80 days. He never accepted my statements that it was over. I’m sure my mixed messages didn’t help. So I told him on Friday that I was going to start dating other people. It became a very emotional discussion and I felt terrible. Then somehow by Saturday I agreed to “give him one last chance”. He is working a pretty solid program except for the part that he wouldn’t let go of me. He pretty goes to 2 meetings a day, therapy and much better communication with me.
Well. I can imagine the feedback. I truly don’t have anyone to talk to so just saying “out loud”.
Thanks for listening
2kind

Glenjo99

You know what, it's the first time I've seen anyone with this type of feedback in here. Isn't it nice to see two souls doing their best and loving each other. I hope it works out great.

dandylion

2kind4me.....I won't give you any advice. (I did pleanty of that in your other threads...lol)…..
I will ask a question, though...…
I saw in your past threads that you are a therapist, yourself....so, you know about support groups like alanon, etc...and the availability of therapy....
How is it that you are in a position that you don't have anyone to talk to...?
What is up with that....?!

BoxinRotz

I've been here so many times writing that were starting over. That honeymoon stage always lead back to the nightmare he only knew was him. I'm in the process right now of writing him to say that I will not do this with him again. 7 years of complete alcohell is enough for me.

I wish you the best. That's about the best I can offer you.

aliciagr

I haven't read the other posts you made here, but the reason I post is simply to share my own experience, and offer support to others when I can. Looks like you have a long history with your BF and Im sure its hard to sort through emotionally. My husband got very sick with his own addictions and I had to move out a couple of times. I struggled with how to proceed because of the past memories which were mostly all good, the dreams and goals we had always shared.

I am still with my husband and he is doing well in recovery. I think the one thing that's helped me is making sure I keep in touch with my own feelings, have a picture of what I want my life and future to look like. Giving myself the freedom to re-evaluate if circumstances change.

For a long time I had trouble sharing with my family and friends because I felt ashamed and was simply confused. That's when I came online to talk to others. Sometimes an anonymous place is what's needed.

2kind4me

Thanks Dandyliom. I’m impressed and appreciate that you remember. I do have a therapist but have not gone consistently because she is very expensive. I have an appointment with her for Friday and I’m looking for someone who takes my insurance. Being a therapist actually makes it harder to find someone because I know so many and have pretty high standards. Most of the people on the insurance panels are known. As far as Alanon - I really have a tough time with it. I went to 2 different groups and one was so religious that I just could not engage. The other folks were quite frankly not nice. I know I should continue to try. I actually have a work colleague who went for her son and it did help her. I will see which ones she went to.

Sleepyhollo

I don’t necessarily think you are crazy for trying one more time but I do think you need to have clear boundaries and have a plan if he relapses again. In case of relapse will you stay or will that be the final straw? What are you d’où g for your own recovery? It sounds like he has a got a good program in place but do you? Someone mentioned you are a therapist so I would hope you yourself are going to therapy as well. Alanon wasn’t for me. I did try. My counselor is very awesome though and has been my life saver and helping me be honest with myself and working through the bazillion issues I have, partially due to his addiction and partially due to my codependency.
My RAH has been clean for almost 2 years and is doing well from a sobriety and recovery stand point. We hav been together for 16 years and married 12. When I gave him an ultimatum I was ready to walk out but did not realize that even with him getting clean I could not get past all the years of emotional neglect and manipulation (he was never physically abusive). I just was afraid to admit that I had not loved him for quite some time and to be honest with my own feelings. There are plenty of people on here and that despite it all still love their SO. I guess I just wasn’t one of them but just didn’t realize it. If you still have love for him there is nothing wrong with wanting to give it another try but I think you need to go in with your eyes wide open and a plan for yourself. I would also highly suggest couples therapy now that he has been clean for a while. We did marriage counseling for 1.5 years and our counselor actually was a bit of an ass with too many of his own opinions. I don’t know though if we had had a good one if it ultimately would have made a difference in the outcome but there were lots of things that we’re discussed that needed to come out and would not have without marriage counseling.
Good luck and take care of yourself!

trailmix

Hi 2kind, well I hope you aren't expecting judgement.

I also hope that you do find a therapist or counsellor (or group) that you are happy with. Not because I think you are doing anything wrong or that there is anything wrong with you!

Simply because you are going to need support through this, as you know and I hope you find that. You also have SR anytime of course.

2kind4me

thank you sleepyhollo. I do have a plan. It is absolutely clear that this is the last chance. I really do think that I love him - especially appreciate the changes in communication since he has been working on recovery. We are going to see his therapist this week and will discuss a plan for couples counseling. I told my RABF that we will do that as long as we are together. He is fine with that. He spent a lot of time at my house this weekend w kids. It felt so easy and natural. My son asked if we could all play a board game which he rarely does anymore. Today all of the kids ran around outside for hours while we made dinner. It felt good. But I am not blind to the possibility for disaster. I have reached out to a few potential therapists. I realized I have to humble myself and not be so picky about whom I work with.

Zukunft

You have to do whatever you need to do. No one else runs your life. I tried the ultimatum strategy. Didn’t work (except dealing with a dry drunk.) I’ve tried everything really. But it’s business as usual and not good enough. Now I finally said the love is gone and won’t return. If you love it is always very different. That’s still not enough to change their ways but it seems enough for you to manage yours. All the best and hugs.

hopeful4

I am so glad he seems to be embracing recovery. I hope he continues on that road and wish you all the best!