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Old 07-17-2018, 09:21 PM
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Help

Hey all,
I have posted on here back in February and am now back. I loved the support I got and Iím in need again. I left my husband 2 weeks ago due to his drinking. I told him I loved him but this was something he had to fix on his own and I could not be apart of it anymore. I am grateful to be at my moms and am taking it day by day. He has started talking to our therapist we used to see in the past but I believe that is the extent of it. When he drinks and becomes intoxicated, lately, he begins to message inappropriate things to women on Facebook (woman we both know). On top of just the drinking problem, now Iím dealing with this. It has happened before I left numerous times and now after I have left. I know heís doing this because these women message me about it. When he is sober he would never do anything of this nature. I am very confused. I love him and we have a 7 year relationship. I took our marriage vows seriously and do not just want to throw in the towel. Is this something thatís happening because of the drinking? Thoughts please. Thank you!
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Old 07-17-2018, 09:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Seekinghelp123 View Post
I left my husband 2 weeks ago due to his drinking. I told him I loved him but this was something he had to fix on his own and I could not be apart of it anymore.
But he's still drinking, and you are a part of it still, it sounds like.

I took our marriage vows seriously and do not just want to throw in the towel.
It sounds like your reason for leaving was to make him stop drinking. Now that that hasn't happened, you're not sure what to do.

I looked at your previous posts, since you mentioned you were here in February. I see a total of 9 posts, all in 2 threads that you started yourself. I see the last one was on February 23. Numerous SR members suggested Alanon, reading around the SR forums, making sure to read the stickies, and so on.

At that time, and in the subsequent 5 months, have you taken any of those actions? I'm asking b/c recovery work is just that, work, whether it be for the A him/herself or for the spouse or family members who've been affected by the A's drinking. I didn't find real growth and healing by dropping in here every 5 or 6 months, posting a few times until I felt better, and then going back to life as usual. It took a serious commitment of time, effort and honesty for me to start moving forward, and that involved SR, Alanon, and tons of reading and listening to a wide variety of recovery and self-help material.

With that said, I think it's very normal to just "nibble around the edges" at first. I sure hoped that somehow it was going to be easier and/or different for me. I thought maybe things would change w/o me really having to change anything, or do anything scary or messy or painful...

My suggestion to you would be to start making that commitment--to yourself--and see if things become clearer. The fact that you say in one breath "I can't be a part of things any more" and in the next "I don't want to throw in the towel" tells me that you are unsure, and, I suspect, still at least somewhat uninformed.

Get to Alanon. Spend some time here at SR, but DON'T just stay in your own thread, read as widely as you can. And post to others--recovery is an active process. Get involved. I know I got out of it what I put into it.
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Old 07-18-2018, 04:59 AM
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I have joined Al Anon. Iím a fairly newer member so I donít think all my answers are obviously just going to come to me. I am just confused that if the drinking and the inappropriate messages are still going on, and I am getting messaged for it, what do I do?
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Old 07-18-2018, 05:53 AM
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You drop him like you would a hot potato. My soon to be ExAH has done this. He went as far as texting his niece by marriage (she was 19) and told her his off days and that i would not be at home and invited her over for a night of sex. When i confronted him, he told me someone hacked him! I said, that's pretty damn funny that someone would hack you and know EXACTLY what days you were off and when I'm at work!

This is an unhealthy marriage, drinking aside. If he's willing to sext women, he's willinbg to have sex with them.
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Old 07-18-2018, 06:04 AM
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Hello Seeking help,

No matter how drunk he was, there was a choice in who he contacted and deciding to do it. Since he already puts his drinking above his marriage, he could be perceived on cheating on you with that too.

You are asking what to do. But you put this in context that you take your vows seriously.

Have you ever sat down and wrote out a timeline of your marriage? Write down every fight about his drinking? Every Separation? Any DUIs? Strange job losses? Missing money? Weird things you know an alcoholic haze might have caused. Write it all down. It might be overwhelming to see it on paper. You say you’ve taken refuge at your mom’s before, so be honest with yourself.

Do you have a job? Do you have your own bank account?

I had a bit of a rage when I finally started honestly looking at what a patsy I was. I also recommend running.

These are all things you can do to work on you. Work on you.
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Old 07-18-2018, 06:16 AM
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Seekinghelp…..about those messages...If it were me, and I knew the women well...I would tell them (in a very short message) that "He is an out of control drunk". And, leave it at that....everyone knows what to do with an out of control drunk message....ignore it!

You can't control him...and, you shouldn't have to clean up his messes....


I am glad that you have started alanon….it is for you, of course...not how to get him to stop drinking.

You said, last Feb, that you got "Co-Dependent No More" and began reading it....I am curious---did any of it resonate with you?

Have you been reading the over 100 articles in out library..from the link that I gave you? There were enough for you to read and digest one every single day...


Another suggestion...there are a lot of good presentations on YouTube on co-dependency.....you might enjoy some of them.....


Three Cs....
You didn t Cause it. You can't Control it. and you Can't fix it....


This is not about "throwing in a towel". It is about letting go of something that is destructive to you....It comes down to your own self-esteem and ability to love yourself enough to draw the line when you are being mistreated....

Marriage vows are a contract....and is only valid when both persons honor the contract.
Love, alone, is not enough....sometimes, a person has to love from a distance....
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Old 07-18-2018, 06:21 AM
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Hi, Seekinghelp,

I'm from the alcoholic side - so I've been under the influence more times than I can count and I've done wildly inappropriate things when drinking. Alcohol highjacks the executive function of the brain and lowers inhibitions and in cases of extreme intoxication or long-term alcohol abuse, it causes blackouts - where the drinker doesn't even remember what they did.

I don't know where on the scale your husband falls obviously, but as long as he is drinking you can expect this type of behavior - and worse.

You don't owe these women any explanations or apologies - you did nothing wrong. I would just say, "He's a drunk."

I hope you can find a way out of this. When I was living with and engaged to a serial cheater, (who wasn't an alcoholic) someone said to me, "Why don't you cut your losses?"

That's just what I did and my life improved 10,000%.

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Old 07-18-2018, 06:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Seekinghelp123 View Post
I am just confused that if the drinking and the inappropriate messages are still going on, and I am getting messaged for it, what do I do?
it would probably be wise to block his number.
not blocking his number would be helping him continue unacceptable behavior- it would be a form of enabling.
you may want to suggest to your friends to block him,too.
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Old 07-18-2018, 06:22 AM
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Dandy, we cross-posted. He IS an out of control drunk.
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Old 07-18-2018, 07:14 AM
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Originally Posted by BoxinRotz View Post
You drop him like you would a hot potato.
I have to agree with BoxinRotz on this.
I have been going back and forth struggling on leaving my AH (in recovery 7 months now), and what I discovered is he joined a dating site, we are still married and living together and I was having thoughts of trying again, when I thought I had made up my mind to leave. Even though my AH husband is sober he was telling me one thing and on this dating website the whole time. I know that he had been very inappropriate with his comments about other women while he was actively drinking but thought it was all the alcohol; turns out he is a true snake. I am getting the heck out of this marriage as fast as I can, you can believe that. Yes the pain is almost unbearable however not when I compare it to what I would be setting myself up for if I put my blinders back on. Go no contact, and tell the other women friends to block him, whether they do or not is not under your control; only what you do; and run...
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Old 07-18-2018, 10:47 AM
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Which part bothers you more, the fact his addiction is in full swing again or the fact that you feel embarrassed by his unacceptable behavior to mutual female friends on social media? Addiction is a progressive lifelong disease, when you met he was addicted to opiates, today the addiction is showing its ugly head with booze. And who knows what tomorrow will bring, that’s how it is with addiction.

It’s good you are going to al-anon and I think learning as much as you can about addiction and about addict behavior will help you make sound decisions for yourself and your future.
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Old 07-18-2018, 03:54 PM
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I'm sorry - this stuff is SO painful.

I know you are wanting everyone to say "this isn't him, this is the alcohol - once he stops that, he'll be a wonderful, loving husband again.'

I wish we could say that. I wish we could tell you how to get him to stop drinking, and how to turn your picture of a great life with him into a reality.

But that's just not how it works.

His behavior is unacceptable - right?
It doesn't matter why it is, it just is. That's a really, really difficult thing to accept.

Even if you think its the alcohol talking, that doesn't matter either....because he still wants to drink. NEEDS to drink. So much so that he was willing to choose drinking over being a satisfactory partner in a marriage.

It's honorable that you take your vows seriously. He has not however, and in any contract, it becomes null and void pretty quick when one person defaults on it.

Consider this - make a list of vows to yourself!

To love, honor, respect and cherish yourself.
To take care of yourself, and make your life the best it can be.

Surely if you are willing to promise those things to another human being, you can promise them to yourself....and once you do, I have a feeling that things will become much clearer.

OH - and everyone else is right. Letting your friends know that his drinking is a problem, and that they can block him to prevent that kind of discomfort will keep them and you from having to deal with it - on the outward sense at least.

Sending you peace, clarity and strength. And a giant (((HUG)))
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Old 07-19-2018, 06:52 PM
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Oh yes, happened during the whole time we were together. So glad I am out of there and don't have to worry about my drunk husband embarrassing me any longer. I didn't deserve any of it. Good luck to you but my advice is not to make excuses for him . Drunk or not, is this what you want to deal with?
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Old 07-20-2018, 05:27 PM
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SH,
Physical Abuse, mental abuse,cheating and all the other stuff addicts do, could be or couldn't be, because of their drinking. Does it really matter. Do we forgive them for this because they are "addicts"? At what point in our life do we deserve respect and dignity. Your husband is disrespecting you, that is humiliating and degrading. You are worth so much more then that. You don't need to be making excuses for him that he is a "drunk".

Seek support and work on you, as that is all you have control of. Once you have enough respect for yourself , you will do what you need to do to move forward in life. Hugs to you!!
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