teatreeoil007

Lunchbox: I'm sorry you're going through this.

If he is truly a narcissist....you have my condolences....narcissists particularly do not like it when the other person ends the relationship....THEY want to be the one to end it and control how it goes down...also, they can be very vindictive. I'm not trying to scare you and maybe you already know this, but just be prepared, have a plan in place and lots of support lined up. Hugs to you!

PuzzledHeart

He's offended? Let him be offended. What the hell, is he some sort of teacup who shatters at the slightest pressure?

I have to admit that I'm probably triggered just a wee bit because when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, my sister went on this "I'm so hurt because you don't approve my life choices" campaign. First it was because I didn't 100% agree with her that pot cured cancer. Then I didn't 100% agree with her when she said juice could cure cancer. She got angry at everybody because my mom ate a danish instead of the juice she prepared for her. She got angry when I called her up to say I was going to arrive at my mom's at a later time because I _didn't_ have to call my mom to tell her I was arriving at a later time (my sister runs notoriously late). She got angry at me when I asked her to help me choose our mom's burial plot because she didn't feel that she was up to it and spent that entire session texting her pot-smoking boyfriend (Lesson for me - if somebody says they don't want to do something - believe them!) The kicker was that she lied to my dad and me and said she was texting my mom. My mom doesn't know how to text.

You can't talk reason with crazy. You can't talk truth with people who hate truth.

Like SparkleKitty said, this stuff is the BARE MINIMUM. Does he have your doctor's numbers on his cell phone? Is he keeping track of the latest cancer treatment protocols? When you were at chemo, did he hang out with you? Was he on a first name basis with the nurses who took care of you? Did he have copies of your insurance cards on his phone just in case you forgot yours? Has he ever kept track of your temperature? Did it ever get to the point where he could read the vital signs monitor by your bedside because he spent so much time in the hospital? Did he ever ask the nurses to reduce the IV flow in the evening so you wouldn't have to wake up and pee as much? Does he know the meds you currently take, and if he can't remember the protocol, know where he can get that information? Did he ever?

I ended up taking much of the brunt when both my parents had cancer, so maybe my case is a little extreme. But I was always willing to take care of them, because it was a GIFT. It was an opportunity to show them how much I loved them. When the thoughts of "when is it going to end?" came across my brain, it was because THEY were suffering, not me. And the moments where I did feel sorry for myself, I would have never dared articulate anything like you husband said to you. How DARE he????

My sister's children ended up living with my parents on the days that she has custody, but she feels like a mom because she dyes her kids' hair and buys them prom dresses. Your husband drives your kids around, and showed up one lousy night while you were in the hospital and barely spoke two words to you. That's love?

tomsteve

he shouldnt get kudos for doing what he should be doing all along- being a responsible adult.
this does not justify his behavior towards you.

Lunchbox1

1) no but I don't either
2) yes but I've been clear for 12 years
3)yes
4) yes
5)I think so
6) in his wallet
7) yes
8) yes
9) no, I was supposed to pee a lot
10) mostly and yes
Like SparkleKitty said, this stuff is the BARE MINIMUM. Does he have your doctor's numbers on his cell phone? Is he keeping track of the latest cancer treatment protocols? When you were at chemo, did he hang out with you? Was he on a first name basis with the nurses who took care of you? Did he have copies of your insurance cards on his phone just in case you forgot yours? Has he ever kept track of your temperature? Did it ever get to the point where he could read the vital signs monitor by your bedside because he spent so much time in the hospital? Did he ever ask the nurses to reduce the IV flow in the evening so you wouldn't have to wake up and pee as much? Does he know the meds you currently take, and if he can't remember the protocol, know where he can get that information? Did he ever?

I ended up taking much of the brunt when both my parents had cancer, so maybe my case is a little extreme. But I was always willing to take care of them, because it was a GIFT. It was an opportunity to show them how much I loved them. When the thoughts of "when is it going to end?" came across my brain, it was because THEY were suffering, not me. And the moments where I did feel sorry for myself, I would have never dared articulate anything like you husband said to you. How DARE he????

My sister's children ended up living with my parents on the days that she has custody, but she feels like a mom because she dyes her kids' hair and buys them prom dresses. Your husband drives your kids around, and showed up one lousy night while you were in the hospital and barely spoke two words to you. That's love?[/QUOTE]

PuzzledHeart

First, thanks for taking the time to actually answer my diatribe.

What's coming out to me loud and clear is that he's expecting you to give him a pass because how he treated you twelve years ago.

Like "Oh I told her not to go to the hospital and she almost died but that's OK because I was a good husband twelve years ago."

Like "I became an alcoholic and I treat my wife like crap but that's OK because I was a good husband twelve years ago."

What would happen if you decided to hold your breath for as long as possible? In the beginning, it's not so bad. But after a minute, you'd be busting to take a breath in. You'd be desperate for one.

This guy is holding his breath on this marriage. This marriage needs both of you to breathe in order to survive. You can't just make the effort on your own. Having him say, well, I don't have to breathe, I don't have to make the effort to show you I love you because I've been doing it for years is not a terribly good argument. All it does is create a marriage that passes out.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. You know, there are times when I get together with mutual friends and we all confess how much we miss the sister I had before she let the weed get into her brain. She wasn't self-centered.
She gave of herself. Sometimes I hope that she'll come back, but I found out that sitting and waiting for that to happen was just a pointless endeavor. Not because there isn't hope for that, but because it was useless for me to put my own life on hold as I waited for somebody else to change, somebody who was satisfied with the choices she made, even if others suffered for it.

OpheliaKatz

This (above) is really excellent.