How do you avoid feeling jealousy?
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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How do you avoid feeling jealousy?
How do you avoid feeling jealous of happy affectionate couples? When I scroll through my social media and see my friends who are posting pictures of their fun weekends with their spouses. Or when we see them in person and they’re so happy and sharing stories of their latest adventures or mundane house repairs together, but my spouse is slurring his speech and talking too much and I’m trying to subtly tell him to shut up but the hints aren’t catching on. I guess I’m just being selfish, feeling jealous inside or sad about my marriage, but I want that real life intimate best friend relationship too. I work with tourists so all day long I see happy couples who are out in town doing things together and I just want that... I know I can’t change my AH. And it is what it is and I’ll get fed up and leave when I’m ready. I don’t want to feel jealous of people who are nothing but kind to me, because of something they have no control over or even anything to do with. Any suggestions?
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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Hugs to you.
It's never wise to compare our insides with other people's outsides.
You know, I can look back at my social media pics of the times when I KNOW I was going through hell, and I'm amazed that it really doesn't show in those photos. And as for people on vacation, well, that's hardly a fair comparison is it.
Are you working your own program of recovery?
BB
It's never wise to compare our insides with other people's outsides.
You know, I can look back at my social media pics of the times when I KNOW I was going through hell, and I'm amazed that it really doesn't show in those photos. And as for people on vacation, well, that's hardly a fair comparison is it.
Are you working your own program of recovery?
BB
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 25
We will never know what is hiding behind the walls of their homes. Just because someone shares a vacation that doesn’t mean their life is good. We used to travel a lot but that didn’t mean things were good. I used to post cute family photos but that family was really broken. Try to stay focused on your goals for your future. I know that’s easier said than done. I’m a pro at trying to help everyone else but myself because fixing my problems seemed like an impossible task.
Sending you lots of hugs
Sending you lots of hugs
Last edited by Lostinthismess; 07-21-2018 at 02:11 PM. Reason: Typo
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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I know exactly how you feel! I am struggling with this at the moment too. I'm starting to think that my husband and myself will separate, and one of the things I find the hardest in concept is the thought of hanging out with my friends, ALL of whom are in relationships right now except for a couple of much younger work friends. I'm sure the relationships are not all perfect but it really can look and feel like that from the outside. I'm the same when it comes to looking at social media - pictures of couples smiling and hugging make me really upset at the moment, even though I know they can be deceiving. Quite a few of my friends married or settled down relatively late and so there have also been several engagements, pregnancies etc. recently. I know I shouldn't feel jealous but it is so hard not to. So no solutions but definitely empathy!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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For me I had to resist the idea that being in a relationship with someone else was the end-all, be-all of happiness and contentment.
The fact was, I had been in a lot of relationships--but until I focused on my own relationship with myself, happiness and contentment was elusive under any circumstances. When I began to love myself, to believe that I deserved love and respect, it really stopped mattering what other people were or weren't doing.
The fact was, I had been in a lot of relationships--but until I focused on my own relationship with myself, happiness and contentment was elusive under any circumstances. When I began to love myself, to believe that I deserved love and respect, it really stopped mattering what other people were or weren't doing.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
You know, it doesn't really matter if their outside presentation is real or not, whether someone posts a picture on facebook of smiles at the beach then they go home and argue for 5 hours. Just not your side of the street.
I agree with SK - it starts with you. It's all about how you feel about yourself. Nothing will change until you work on that.
Once you do, maybe you will be able to make the changes that you require to make your life more content.
I don’t want to feel jealous of people who are nothing but kind to me, because of something they have no control over or even anything to do with. Any suggestions?
Once you do, maybe you will be able to make the changes that you require to make your life more content.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Quietly Tired.....I think that you are projecting your resentment, of your husband, onto other people....because it is more comfortable to resent them for their happiness, than to resent him for what he is doing.....
Do you think that you would be happier in your marriage if the other people around you were broken and unhappy...? LOl...you might feel like "misery loves company"....and, you might get some comfort from that...but, it still wouldn't make your marriage any happier....you would just be unhappy with more company....
Sooner, or, later, we all have to face the realities of our lives...and, face up to them....remove our head from the sand.....
Our happiness is our own responsibility....it is in our own hands....nobody else is going to do it for us....
In the end, we have to make our own decisions and look after our own welfare...…
***by the way...I think there is a difference between "envy" and "jealousy".....(for the sake of discussion...lol)…..
Do you think that you would be happier in your marriage if the other people around you were broken and unhappy...? LOl...you might feel like "misery loves company"....and, you might get some comfort from that...but, it still wouldn't make your marriage any happier....you would just be unhappy with more company....
Sooner, or, later, we all have to face the realities of our lives...and, face up to them....remove our head from the sand.....
Our happiness is our own responsibility....it is in our own hands....nobody else is going to do it for us....
In the end, we have to make our own decisions and look after our own welfare...…
***by the way...I think there is a difference between "envy" and "jealousy".....(for the sake of discussion...lol)…..
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
I can relate. A few days after I filed for divorce, I was at a deli and when I was leaving I noticed this guy and girl in line and the guy leaned over and kissed her head. I started bawling. That was a few months ago and even though we are not officially divorced yet, I don't think about it anymore. I had a marriage where I was lonely and we didn't do what other couples did like go out to eat or see a movie because my AH would want to stay home and drink is life away. (Honestly, he would be passed out by dinner time anyways) . I was sad because at work people would ask me how my weekend was or what I did and my answer was always "not much ". I always knew this is not the way I wanted to live. I see my parents, my sister and her husband and they do things together and don't have a drink in their hands 24/7 on the weekends. I just know 110 % I made the right decision by filing for divorce, the two months being away from him has been fantastic. I agree with others that everyone appears happy on the outside, I know me and my husband appeared like a loving couple.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Good replies in this thread already.
I don't think you can always go by how a person is in public and especially while on vacation. Being out in public people are usually on their "better" behavior. You definitely cannot assume "all is well" on a picture.
I don't think you can always go by how a person is in public and especially while on vacation. Being out in public people are usually on their "better" behavior. You definitely cannot assume "all is well" on a picture.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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On Facebook I always posted the most amazing, beautiful, adventurous family/ couple pics of our "perfect" life.... the truth was our everyday lives had devolved into a far less than perfect picture I was painting. I was desperately maintaining that public facade. It worked too, people were blown away, utterly shocked when we split , everyone thought we were the perfect couple....
There is a reason they call it Fakebook....
Try not to put too much stock in what you see on social media.
I understand the pain of seeing happy, sappy, coupley stuff when your heart is broken, I've been there. That feeling will pass, but maybe for now, give social media a break. It wont stop you seeing happy couples elsewhere, but it will lessen some of that angst.
It wont feel like this forever, it just takes some time.
*hugs*
There is a reason they call it Fakebook....
Try not to put too much stock in what you see on social media.
I understand the pain of seeing happy, sappy, coupley stuff when your heart is broken, I've been there. That feeling will pass, but maybe for now, give social media a break. It wont stop you seeing happy couples elsewhere, but it will lessen some of that angst.
It wont feel like this forever, it just takes some time.
*hugs*
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
For me I had to resist the idea that being in a relationship with someone else was the end-all, be-all of happiness and contentment.
The fact was, I had been in a lot of relationships--but until I focused on my own relationship with myself, happiness and contentment was elusive under any circumstances. When I began to love myself, to believe that I deserved love and respect, it really stopped mattering what other people were or weren't doing.
The fact was, I had been in a lot of relationships--but until I focused on my own relationship with myself, happiness and contentment was elusive under any circumstances. When I began to love myself, to believe that I deserved love and respect, it really stopped mattering what other people were or weren't doing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by dandylion
Quietly Tired.....I think that you are projecting your resentment, of your husband, onto other people....because it is more comfortable to resent them for their happiness, than to resent him for what he is doing.....
Do you think that you would be happier in your marriage if the other people around you were broken and unhappy...? LOl...you might feel like "misery loves company"....
***by the way...I think there is a difference between "envy" and "jealousy".....(for the sake of discussion...lol)…..
Do you think that you would be happier in your marriage if the other people around you were broken and unhappy...? LOl...you might feel like "misery loves company"....
***by the way...I think there is a difference between "envy" and "jealousy".....(for the sake of discussion...lol)…..
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
QT,
I have been divorced for 3 1/2 years now and I am loving it. I have no one that I have to please, no one to worry about if they are angry with me, I can come and go when ever I want. The freedom I feel being single is amazing. I haven't looked into dating because I don't want too. I have girl friends, and couple friends who I hang with and watch them fight. After 34 years with my SO, I am enjoying doing my own thing.
I have been divorced for 3 1/2 years now and I am loving it. I have no one that I have to please, no one to worry about if they are angry with me, I can come and go when ever I want. The freedom I feel being single is amazing. I haven't looked into dating because I don't want too. I have girl friends, and couple friends who I hang with and watch them fight. After 34 years with my SO, I am enjoying doing my own thing.
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Good replies in this thread already.
I don't think you can always go by how a person is in public and especially while on vacation. Being out in public people are usually on their "better" behavior. You definitely cannot assume "all is well" on a picture.
I don't think you can always go by how a person is in public and especially while on vacation. Being out in public people are usually on their "better" behavior. You definitely cannot assume "all is well" on a picture.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yes, I do think envy is probably more of what you are talking about.....
I do think it is a normal human response to be sad and longing for what you want in a marriage, but don't have....
Personally, I don't think that you are asking for too much.....
Who wants to be "Married without benefits"....?!
I do think it is a normal human response to be sad and longing for what you want in a marriage, but don't have....
Personally, I don't think that you are asking for too much.....
Who wants to be "Married without benefits"....?!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
The fact was, I had been in a lot of relationships--but until I focused on my own relationship with myself, happiness and contentment was elusive under any circumstances. When I began to love myself, to believe that I deserved love and respect, it really stopped mattering what other people were or weren't doing.
These days when I get upset about something, I take a look at self first and see what part I have in the upset. I can usually find something!
Sending you support and hugs!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
It's kind of a - you want a normal relationship. Ok, that's not a crazy request!
You deserve to be treated well, with respect, to be listened to, taken care of and loved by your SO - again, not an out of line expectation.
What you really want is your AH to be that person. He isn't. If he were <insert wish here - sober, in recovery, not an alcoholic, less selfish, etc> then he would be.
He is not.
It is discussed here fairly often, that wishful thinking - the wishing the person would change so that they could be who you would like them to be because hey - they have the potential! Unless he wants to change (and it doesn't sound like he does) then this is it. You don't get that happy, stable, contented relationship.
That's where those feelings come from. You already know the answer to your question but it's not a very nice answer.
You deserve to be treated well, with respect, to be listened to, taken care of and loved by your SO - again, not an out of line expectation.
What you really want is your AH to be that person. He isn't. If he were <insert wish here - sober, in recovery, not an alcoholic, less selfish, etc> then he would be.
He is not.
It is discussed here fairly often, that wishful thinking - the wishing the person would change so that they could be who you would like them to be because hey - they have the potential! Unless he wants to change (and it doesn't sound like he does) then this is it. You don't get that happy, stable, contented relationship.
That's where those feelings come from. You already know the answer to your question but it's not a very nice answer.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
I think your feelings are perfectly valid. I'm sure you are well aware that those happy couples... sometimes aren't. Wanting a relationship where you can love and feel love in return isn't wrong at all. Its just impossible with an active alcoholic, because alcohol is their only love. 😞
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
There are lots of vert good reasons that the serenity prayer is so popular. I like this version especially...
Grant me serenity to accept the people I can not change (everyone else).
Courage to change the person I can (me)
And the wisdom to know the difference.
If you want a different kind of relationship, chances are you're gonna need a different kind of partner.
BB
Grant me serenity to accept the people I can not change (everyone else).
Courage to change the person I can (me)
And the wisdom to know the difference.
If you want a different kind of relationship, chances are you're gonna need a different kind of partner.
BB
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I'm with Sparkle and maia--I'd never been on my own for more than a few months, tops, between the ages of about 15, when I first had a steady boyfriend, and 55, when XAH and I divorced. Most often it was right from one relationship into another, w/no time to breathe or look around.
I was terrified to be alone. For weeks before XAH actually moved out, I'd think of his truck pulling out of the driveway for the last time and it would just destroy me. (We were married 19 years, together about 21.)
Now, 3 years later, I have survived. I've not only survived, but I'm happy living here on my own w/my dogs, the trees, and the birds. I've been scared, I've been lonesome, I've been angry. I've had situations arise where I had to ask for help, both emotional help and help with things like getting my snowblower started. But I've lived through all those things and they don't scare me nearly as much anymore.
I've learned a lot by being on my own, and I wish I'd done this much earlier in my life. I think a lot would have been different--and I don't say that as a "poor me" victim but as someone who is beginning to see just how much she didn't know as well as how much she still has to learn.
I was terrified to be alone. For weeks before XAH actually moved out, I'd think of his truck pulling out of the driveway for the last time and it would just destroy me. (We were married 19 years, together about 21.)
Now, 3 years later, I have survived. I've not only survived, but I'm happy living here on my own w/my dogs, the trees, and the birds. I've been scared, I've been lonesome, I've been angry. I've had situations arise where I had to ask for help, both emotional help and help with things like getting my snowblower started. But I've lived through all those things and they don't scare me nearly as much anymore.
I've learned a lot by being on my own, and I wish I'd done this much earlier in my life. I think a lot would have been different--and I don't say that as a "poor me" victim but as someone who is beginning to see just how much she didn't know as well as how much she still has to learn.
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