Lunchbox1

Where do I begin....I think I can manage bullet points.
--UTI I ignored because I didn't wanna leave AH w kids (teens)
--severe kidney infection, outpatient script
--AH discouraged me from hospital since I've had admittedly destructive health anxiety panics in ER in recent past
--No improvement, fever vomiting, I insisted, he cursed me out by phone
--doc calls, "go to ER it's antibiotic resistant"
--4 days inpatient. Almost septic
--stays w me first night, doesn't say 2 words to me
--AH does a lot managing kids and house
--but buys me clownishly wrong size underwear because he didn't listen
--gets enraged when I texted gentle jokes about it (he was drinking and I was hospitalized so I didn't know)
--texts me that my low self esteem is a burden, that I'm self-pitying, ungrateful, unempathic to him, implies all the family's problems are my fault
--at home, still cold, tells me he's always been my caretaker (I had cancer and I'm an emotional person) and that I "can't abuse my caretakers". Whenever I react or challenge his provocations and insults, turns into massive fight.


Thoughts?

SparkleKitty

My thought is you deserve better than this.

Aeryn

My first thought is kidney infections are severe you can actually die from those! My second thought is the same as the previous poster - you deserve better!

Mango212

From Blueskies18 on another thread:

"Your voice is beautiful, let it be heard"
How and why would I think that someone else's love is more important than my love for myself?


Reading your post and then came back to that. God works in many ways. Prayer is powerful. Your voice deserves to be heard. It sounds like you know who you can't trust. Perhaps now look for people you can. I'm glad you're in good hands and have a safe environment today.

Prayer: May healing be quick. May healing continue to all parts of my life. Thank you for the care and healing all around me.

PeacefulWater12

oh dear, you and your children deserve so much better than this.

atalose

same here, first thought you deserve better.

Second thought.......... set yourself free!! un-burden yourself from this situation.

hopeful4

My thought is that he is an a$$hole, and you deserve so much better. I hope you are physically doing better!

ps..my other thought is that I would not let this person care for my dog, definitely not my kids!

Lunchbox1

He loves to point out how I've been needy throughout our relationship but never give to him. I'm not an easy person, but he's making my neediness worse since he starves me. He thinks having a good job and taking the kids to their appts and whatnot means I should shut up and be happy with what I get. Even if what I get is drunken bad photos texted to the group chat, and tantrums when we don't praise them, accompanied by little jabs to provoke foghts.

SparkleKitty

You are the only person who gets to decide what you should be happy with.

suki44883

Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

You are the only one who can stop this.

SmallButMighty

This is such abusive behavior from him.

I hope you reach out to any and all resources available to you. You may want to start with a domestic violence hotline. Have no doubt about this, he is abusing you.

I am sorry you are dealing with this chaos in your life.

I hope you are at least feeling better physically.

hugs

AnvilheadII

you can continue this "dance" with him......he says you are not enough of this or that, you feel the need to defend yourself, another nowhere argument of trying to prove who is the better of the bunch.....OR you can really SEE how pointless this all is.....as it has been and will continue, unless YOU do something different.

what are YOU willing to do that does not require anything from HIM?

Mango212

It's okay to simply and gently take care of this one day, as you are.

You're posting here. You're in good hands medically. One day at a time.

Awareness. You're gaining great awareness. This is a big thing and a great action in itself.

trailmix

^^^^ This!

Here is the thing, the important thing is to know yourself. Who you are, what your boundaries are, how you look after yourself. Then when you get these bows shot at you they bounce right off. You KNOW who you are.

You say you are emotional like it's a bad thing? Look at the treatment you are receiving from your spouse, who wouldn't be emotional!

As mentioned above, you deserve so much better.

dandylion

LunchBox…...My thoughts? You are in an abusive relationship. His actions were so wantonly cruel and lacking in empathy as to suggest a narcissistically sociopathic behavior. Practically criminal.....You could have easily died....sepsis is not joke...it is a medical emergency....

That is my first thought....

My second thought is that you seem, to me, to be a victim of abuse....from your reactions....which is understandable.....
Living with such a partner can do a job on a person....It can destroy your self-esteem and your self confidence. It can alter one's ability to think straight and ability to defend or care for themselves, or defend themselves, when they should....There is also a thing called "trauma bonding", in severe situations....

When a person is in such a situation they need help from those who are equipped to help them.....


You may never have thought of his behavior in this way...as there are many types of abuse...not just being hit. Many people think that abuse is being hit..only.

It is never alright to abuse someone else...and it is not the fault of the victim. There are no excuses. His treatment of you is not your fault, and you don't deserve it.....


I believe that you could benefit from support and counseling through your local domestic violence center (don't let that title put you off)…..

I am giving you the following number where you can find out the number of your local organization.....they can and will help you....totally confidential, of course...…

Domestic Violence Hotline....1-800-799-7233

WhiteFeathers

Love relationships are not transactional. I do this, one point for me. You do this, one point for you. You did this, minus one point (well YOU did this, so we're even!!!!). I'm not saying you are doing this, but it seems like your husband is.

He brings home some money (point!)
He takes the kids somewhere (point!)
He bought the underwear (point!)
You are needy (minus one point, and other point, and another point).

I have a best friend. We've been best friends for almost 20 years now and she has shown me what non-transactional love is like and it's been really eye-opening to realize that you can have relationships that are simply based on love and giving.

She recently moved to my city (which has been, like, the most amazing gift to me) and we just support each other. No tallying. No "well I did this!"

That's what I want for my next romantic partnership-- non-transactional love and kindness. I don't think it's too much to ask for me or for you.

Lunchbox1

No he's Mr Scoreboard and somehow I'm always behind. He is brilliant and can launch into detailed analytic rants about all he's done for me and how needy I've been, but how I never support him and in fact undermine him--for example when he's shoving religion at the kids, or using authoritarian approaches with teens who admittedly are vile to him at times because they resent him. Any concern I express turns into a fight. Lately he dismisses everything as a "complaint." "Haven't I attended to your special needs? Is nothing I do ever good enough?"

I'm just not a distorting enough narcissistic mirror for him.

DontRemember

Sooo..what are you doing about the situation you have found yourself in?

dandylion

Lunchbox....My first husband "kept score"....for me and everyone else. I divorced him when my three kids were still little. I couldn't take his controling and insensitive ways, any more.
I am so glad that I left that relationship....and, so are my children. As they can see him for what he is like...as adults, now. Had I stayed...we would all have lived in misery....
My children are grown, now....and, I hear through the grapevine that he has not changed one molecule....
I can see, from your last post that you have done some learning about narcissism....so, you know that these kind of people don't change....and, they will never feel bad or guilty for what they have done....

Lunchbox...do you have any kind of outside support, at all? Does anyone else know how abusive he is?

Lunchbox1

Several people know how he is. But he's also known as the "saint" who took care of me and the kids when I had cancer (he did a pretty good job). That was before he was an alcoholic. I don't know who he is now. He can be funny and engages the kids, but he's never kind or affectionate to me. Says it's because I haven't led the way on affection, and since I said it was so important to me, I was supposed to do that.

Have you read about trying to divorce a narcissist? Do you know what it would be like?