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He's vicious while I'm hospitalized

Old 07-19-2018, 09:15 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Have you read about trying to divorce a narcissist? Do you know what it would be like?
I didn't need to read about it...I went through a divorce with a narcissist. It was hell, but I got through it. He even tried to say that our baby girl wasn't his and I had to put her through a blood test to prove that she was. Then he said that he wanted full custody of her and child support from me. I was scared to death!

Thankfully, his attorney realized he had a total narcissistic fool for a client and convinced him to drop the custody battle because the chances of him winning were slim and none. I am sure the only reason he didn't pursue that avenue was because it would cost too much money. The only thing he loves more than himself is money.

The whole thing took almost two years and I was so exhausted, both mentally and physically afterward, that I had absolutely no social life for about 5 years. All I wanted was to be with my beautiful daughter and men were anathema to me.

I know you are scared to cross that line of actually seeking a divorce, and only you can decide if you are ready. Your children are teenagers, whereas my daughter was only an infant. I didn't have to explain anything to her, whereas you would need to talk to yours. You might find they are more understanding that you think they might be. They notice things we think they don't know about, so they may already know things aren't good between their mom and dad. In any case, you need to do what is best for YOU. They will soon be old enough to live on their own.
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Old 07-19-2018, 09:44 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Lunchbox.....Yes. I have read about it.
I divorced my first husband, who had/has narcissistic tendencies. At the time, I didn't even know what the term "narcissism" meant....and I had 3 small children.
Lol...one of the things that I shared with Suki...is that he cared more about money than anything in the world. Plus, I had a good lawyer who said..."let me do all the talking".....
There was no domestic violence organizations (for emotional abuse and cruelty)….there were no online support groups (there was no internet for private citizens)….

But, I knew that I couldn't live like that and I didn't want my children to...above all. I wanted better....

How old are your teenagers?
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Old 07-19-2018, 09:56 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I divorced a narcissist. I have never been so glad to be divorced.
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Old 07-20-2018, 10:11 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Help

Tonight he got drunk and picked fights. He started a line of argument that because I survived cancer, the kids "give me a pass" and go after him. I said I shouldn't be made to feel guilty for living because of how he feels my cancer impacted him. Then He said, "Well, you lived, but at what cost to our relationship, and to the family?"

I lost it. I said it looked like he was saying that it wasn't worth it that I lived. I said it was inhumane. He started talking divorce and apartments and is sleeping downstairs, because he's offended I said it was inhumane.

I gave him the 3rd degree on what he said and he spun it 7 ways to Sunday but never said he was sorry for implying my survival wasn't worth it. He's still downstairs.

Does his statement imply it wasn't worth it that I lived?
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Old 07-20-2018, 10:21 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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He started talking divorce and apartments and is sleeping downstairs


Sounds like that could be a beautiful gift. Every time I asked my alcoholic husband to leave, he refused. I finally learned how to leave.

The rest is verbal vomit meant to harass and shame in order to deflect away from the root issues. I can't argue or converse with such insanity. I also can no longer live with it.
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Old 07-20-2018, 10:25 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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But answer

Does his statement imply he didn't think it was worth it that I lived?
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Old 07-20-2018, 11:45 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Lunchbox1 View Post
Does his statement imply he didn't think it was worth it that I lived?
I don't think any of us can answer that, but you were there, what do you think?
He did say there was a cost to your illness. Well fair enough, there was huge cost to you who went through it. Do you think he stood up for you when you most needed him?
Could you ask yourself whether these arguments are getting you anywhere? My experience is that we usually know where we stand with our spouse, through all the non-verbal stuff that happens around a marriage.
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Old 07-20-2018, 11:54 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I don't know that he meant that it wasn't a good thing that you lived.

This is the kind of statement you might make to someone if they did something on purpose, not to someone that had to get treatment and have recovery time for an illness.

It's skewed thinking, it's nonsensical. You can't make sense out of nonsense.
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Old 07-21-2018, 02:50 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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??? In pain

What about his sudden "I'll get an apartment" statements after I said his statement was inhumane and a deflection from the fact that that evening, he drank too much and picked fights?

Did I do something to suggest or deserve him sleeping downstairs and saying I need to divorce him?

Am I wrong for thinking he should apologize for his "you lived but at what cost" question ?


Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I don't know that he meant that it wasn't a good thing that you lived.

This is the kind of statement you might make to someone if they did something on purpose, not to someone that had to get treatment and have recovery time for an illness.

It's skewed thinking, it's nonsensical. You can't make sense out of nonsense.
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Old 07-21-2018, 06:23 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Lunchbox....your are not wrong for how your feel about what he said. You are entitled to your feelings. They belong to you.....

It is wrong to deliberately hurt other people....no matter what the reason...whether it is to deflect from the issues being discussed...and it is wrong if a person does it because they are without empathy and don't care about how they affect others....

You don't deserve to be hurt by him...you don't deserve his insensitivity.....you don't deserve any of the bad things that he does to you.....the abuse that he dishes out.
He has free will, though, and you can't control the things he does....even the things that hurt you....But, you are entitled to feel angry and mad and to protect yourself from him doing those things.....even if it means t hat you have to end the relationship to do so....You have to do what you need to do to protect yourself...around here, we call that "establishing boundaries"...…

I am sorry to hear that he has done this to you....it hurts to see someone mistreated....my heart goes out to you....
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Old 07-21-2018, 06:59 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Lunchbox, I know you want answers to what the heck is going on in his head. We can't answer that for you, nobody with any sense can. You can't understand the inexplicable just like you can not reason with the unreasonable. Alcoholics are both.

I don't know why he is so abusive. It doesn't matter WHY he said it. I do find what he said to you reprehensible.

I wasn't privy to your argument, but I am 99.9999% sure you did not do or say anything to deserve being spoken to in such a hateful way.

Your husband, besides being an abusive alcoholic may have other mental health issues or personality disorders affecting the way he behaves. That does not excuse any of it.

He is likely full of self loathing and very uncomfortable with that feeling. He is probably projecting those feelings on to you as his way of "dealing" with it. Alcoholics famously blame everybody else for whatever is miserable about their own lives. He is not in control of himself so he tries to control you, in this case with degradation and fear.

You can't control him or his drinking, you can decide when you have had enough of his abuse . You can decide when enough is enough.

I was married to an alcoholic for a long time, but if I had've ever been treated the way your husband is treating you I would have left a whole lot sooner. No one deserves to hear what that jerk said to you. Personally, I think it would be a great gift to you if he did move out so that you wouldn't be subjected to this kind of abuse.

You are a precious human being who survived a serious disease, of course your life has value. I hope you value yourself enough to reach out for help to any and all resources available to you.

*gentle hugs*

P.S. I'm glad your kid's take their mom's side against a raging bully, I hope he doesn't spit this kind of vitriol at them....
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Old 07-21-2018, 07:11 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I totally agree with Whitefeathers -- love relationships are not "transactional". Your AH is so selfish that any time he's required to think of someone other than himself, he's abusive, almost to the extent that he might one day kill you.

You can die from a kidney infection. It's a medical emergency. Not a joke. Very serious. He discouraged you from getting medical help when you had a medical emergency. This could have KILLED you. Then he curses you out and treats you with contempt while you are in hospital for a condition where you could actually die. Anyone who loves you would not do this. He is contemptuous of your need to be cared for and about.

My thoughts: No one should ever be treated like the way your AH treats you. You deserve better than this! You are in an abusive relationship. The way he treats you is abuse. Please consider reaching out to a domestic violence women's service.

Contempt is a very dangerous emotion. A person who treats you with contempt feels that you are beneath their consideration. They do not care how you feel or what happens to you; you have NO worth to them. In the local newspaper a few days ago, there was a report about a man who murdered his wife by suffocation during a fight about money. When he realized that she was silent because she was dead, he started freaking out, not because he was upset that his wife was dead, but because he was really angry that he now had to dispose of "the body". She was never a person to him -- she was just a talking object that bothered him about how much money he spent on alcohol. In court, when he was questioned, he showed a lot of contempt for his wife even while denying that he murdered her.

Never keep company with people who show contempt for you! You had cancer and he felt that this was an inconvenience to him... you had CANCER for goodness sake. If someone I loved had cancer, I would be worried about losing them instead of worried about their sickness being an inconvenience to me.

I feel that this person adds no value to your life and sends a dangerous message to your children about how abuse should be tolerated or is acceptable.
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Old 07-21-2018, 07:12 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Lunchbox.....a book that is highly recommended, on this forum, is "Why does He Do That?: Inside The Minds Of Angry and Controlling Men"....by Lundy Bancroft. It has become a sort of classic....You can get it on amazon. com or from your library.....
I highly recommend it for you. I think that it may answer a lot of questions for you.....and I think it will resonate, a lot, with you.....
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Old 07-21-2018, 07:24 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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I was married to a narcissist alcoholic but I do know if I told him I needed to go the hospital he would have taken me. He may have complained and bitched about it but he would have done it. There is a better life out there for you and your children.
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Old 07-21-2018, 07:25 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Lunchbox1 View Post
"Well, you lived, but at what cost to our relationship, and to the family?"
WHAAAT??? So basically he said he wished you were dead!?! Because this is what that sounds like. IMHO, please divorce him. I know this is hard. I've been through this and divorce was the hardest thing I've EVER done. Stop talking to this clown. Tell him nothing. Get your money organized and separate. See a lawyer. Fill out the papers and then serve him. Don't discuss it with him. Just do it.

Originally Posted by Lunchbox1 View Post
Does his statement imply it wasn't worth it that I lived?
I don't care what he was implying. He's not worth talking to. Every time he opens his mouth, a whole lot of moths fly out. I'm so sorry. This is not the way you should be treated! I know we're not meant to give advice and I just said that you should divorce him... however... it's something to think about. You might start feeling better if you get some distance from him.

Edit: if this guy is indeed a narcissist, leaving will be difficult because that is the time that they feel threatened -- you are removing yourself as a resource, they will feel their control is being threatened. Abusers also act like this. Watch out for an escalation of abusive behavior if you try to leave. I'm not saying you should not leave... but when they find out that you are trying to do it, they will be difficult. So make sure you pre-plan everything. I second the recommendation to read Lundy Bancroft's book. It was a life-saver for me. Please keep posting here too. Also google the "aspire" app.
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Old 07-21-2018, 07:44 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Lunchbox......here is a website that may be of interest to you....
https://www.thecabinbangkok.co.th/tr...and-addiction/
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Old 07-21-2018, 07:45 AM
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He DID take me and stayed there all
night, brought the kids to visit a bunch of times. Jsyk


Originally Posted by Michsm View Post
I was married to a narcissist alcoholic but I do know if I told him I needed to go the hospital he would have taken me. He may have complained and bitched about it but he would have done it. There is a better life out there for you and your children.
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Old 07-21-2018, 07:53 AM
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Lunchbox.....please read the article in the link that I just gave you....it is about "trauma bonding".....which can develop with the roller coaster nature of the cycle of abuse....
this is explained, in the article...
There are always some "good things?, in between the bad things....if there weren't some good things...most people would not be with an abusive persion in the first place...…
It is typical to want to minimize the abusive stuff, that the abuser does...and, I think I can see you doing some of that....
but, if even 50 percent of what you have shared is true....you are at the hands of a cruel and abusive person and you don't deserve to live like this...…

Marriage is not supposed to be like this....and love is not supposed to hurt us.....
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Old 07-21-2018, 08:53 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Lunchbox,
You are a beautiful child of God and are in an abusive relationship. Your addict will say anything and do anything he wants, as he is a very sick man. You are trying to analyse what he is saying to you. There is no rhyme or reason to what he says, he is sick. Your worth is not based on what he says to you or your kids!!

Your self esteem is so low living in an abusive environment. You are worthy of respect and dignity. You are worthy of love and compassion. I am assuming you and the kids are not receiving any of that in your home. I know that you can "absorb" the abuse that he is throwing at you, but your kids shouldn't have to see it. At some point we are doing a disservice to our children by staying in the marriage. We feel that a "home" is better with two parents then one. I would disagree with that, as I lived it. I would recommend you going on the forum adult children of alcoholics on SR. Read the forum from people who witness stuff as kids and adults that they should never had seen. Read the comments from people who wished the "healthy" parent had left and not looked back, but they didn't. There becomes a point that the home environment is toxic, and your kids will eventually be traumatized by it. You might get a call from a social worker or a parent that your kid opened up too. Be their advocate, and do your best to leave this abusive home. They know, they see and hear everything. We are always trying to shield them from the mess, but they know. Just ask them....

You are not the only one living in the chaos of your home. Please seek support from the DV hotline Dandy posted. It is confidential, they will not call you back, they will just listen and help you seek some assistance. I know that you might not feel it is abusive, but we all do.

You have had enough strength to post on SR. You can reach out for assistance. You and your kids deserve so much more. Just because someone in your family has substance abuse and mental illness, they do not have the right to take you all "down" by their mental issues. Please reach out for support for you and your kids, you deserve to be healthy and safe and so do they. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
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Old 07-21-2018, 09:41 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Lunchbox1 View Post
He DID take me and stayed there all
night, brought the kids to visit a bunch of times. Jsyk
LB1, this is the bare minimum of what a decent, committed partner SHOULD do under those circumstances. Itís not above and beyond, and itís not something for which he deserves extraordinary credit.
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