Really need help
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Originally Posted by Ituvia 
I am just worried that if I take some time off and I make the mistake of sleeping with somebody, then we'll never have a chance to reconcile.
Codependency is a beast. Recovery from it forces you to confront your greatest fear: being alone, having no relationship to define you. It's very scary. But when we do it, when we face that fear head on and suffer through the long dark nights of the soul, we are so much stronger on the other side--and it is the kind of strength no one can ever take away from you, because it is not dependent upon anyone or anything else besides your own unshakable belief that you are enough.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Codependency is a beast. Recovery from it forces you to confront your greatest fear: being alone, having no relationship to define you. It's very scary. But when we do it, when we face that fear head on and suffer through the long dark nights of the soul, we are so much stronger on the other side--and it is the kind of strength no one can ever take away from you, because it is not dependent upon anyone or anything else besides your own unshakable belief that you are enough.
If we're going to be healthy, make good decisions for our lives, and accomplish our goals (hell, even know what our goals are), our lives CANNOT be all about these guys!!
There are millions of men out there. Why not take some time for yourself, figure out how your life should be ALONE, learn how to focus on yourself and your happiness, and then meet one that loves and appreciates the real you?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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Originally Posted by Ituvia
How do I now tell him any of this?
Whenever I tell him I need space, he comes over. Whenever I tell him I don't want to talk, he calls and apologizes for anything he may have done. He keeps telling me that I should go to my therapist again to discuss my "anger issues" since he is working on his issues. He says our intimacy problems will go away if we both work on our issues separately.
Whenever I tell him I need space, he comes over. Whenever I tell him I don't want to talk, he calls and apologizes for anything he may have done. He keeps telling me that I should go to my therapist again to discuss my "anger issues" since he is working on his issues. He says our intimacy problems will go away if we both work on our issues separately.
with all he is doing, does it look like he is someone IN recovery?
with all he is doing and saying(telling YOU to go to the therpaist and discuss your anger issues???really??/comin from someone not too far out of rehab???) does that seem like someone that is working on THEIR issues?
"NO" is a complete sentence and needs NO explaination.
other than
"because i said so."
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Codependency is a beast. Recovery from it forces you to confront your greatest fear: being alone, having no relationship to define you. It's very scary. But when we do it, when we face that fear head on and suffer through the long dark nights of the soul, we are so much stronger on the other side--and it is the kind of strength no one can ever take away from you, because it is not dependent upon anyone or anything else besides your own unshakable belief that you are enough.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I am just worried that if I take some time off and I make the mistake of sleeping with somebody, then we'll never have a chance to reconcile.
wow that's some seriously convuluted thinking!? the point of YOU taking a break would mean to NOT involve yourself with anyone else for a set period of time. NO MEN. no accidentally sleeping with someone.
wow that's some seriously convuluted thinking!? the point of YOU taking a break would mean to NOT involve yourself with anyone else for a set period of time. NO MEN. no accidentally sleeping with someone.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Heya Ituvia, good on you for putting it out here and getting the feedback.
This feedback has to be super hard to hear. Please keep breathing, reading and thinking. There are some very wise folks here who have been through the wringer. A very similar wringer to the one you are going through
Big hug to you. You can do this although it is hard as hell.
This feedback has to be super hard to hear. Please keep breathing, reading and thinking. There are some very wise folks here who have been through the wringer. A very similar wringer to the one you are going through
Big hug to you. You can do this although it is hard as hell.
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Reason I kept this going is because this is comfortable. Being with him is familiar and comfortable. I just hoped that him being sober would make a lot of difference. he isn't necessarily a bad person but has lot of flaws like me or anyone else and just doesn't want to address them. instead blames it on me.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Ituvia, I am going to be really blunt here.
You honestly are not really absorbing what is being said here, you may be reading this advice and these stories but I can see that it isn't really sinking in (Dandylion mentioned something similar earlier). I understand that you are very upset and that's probably why.
If you do this you are short-changing not only yourself but him.
Can you tell me how you think he would feel if you said the above to him? It's the truth, how do you think he would respond?
I expect you would say he would be hurt (understandably) but what else? Do you think he wants to be in a relationship with someone who is sacrificing their happiness for him? What kind of relationship is that? Do you both get to be miserable together? Walk around with long faces and regrets? Is that what you want? If you told him how you feel do you think he would be content with that for long if at all?
Yes everyone has flaws. If he is blaming you and not addressing them there is a way to help him, if you are the buffer between him and working on his issues, stop contact with him and let him work on himself perhaps.
You honestly are not really absorbing what is being said here, you may be reading this advice and these stories but I can see that it isn't really sinking in (Dandylion mentioned something similar earlier). I understand that you are very upset and that's probably why.
Originally Posted by Ituvia
I am even considering staying without any of these comforts and simply existing in the relationship without any regret. just resign myself to this life.
Can you tell me how you think he would feel if you said the above to him? It's the truth, how do you think he would respond?
I expect you would say he would be hurt (understandably) but what else? Do you think he wants to be in a relationship with someone who is sacrificing their happiness for him? What kind of relationship is that? Do you both get to be miserable together? Walk around with long faces and regrets? Is that what you want? If you told him how you feel do you think he would be content with that for long if at all?
Yes everyone has flaws. If he is blaming you and not addressing them there is a way to help him, if you are the buffer between him and working on his issues, stop contact with him and let him work on himself perhaps.
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I have read codependent no more twice. It seems like when he broke up with me I was getting comfortable with being truly alone with myself. But just when I was getting used to it, he came back. And then I am back in this circle of hell.
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Originally Posted by Ituvia
I have read codependent no more twice. It seems like when he broke up with me I was getting comfortable with being truly alone with myself. But just when I was getting used to it, he came back. And then I am back in this circle of hell.
You really seem to be thinking and working. You may not be able to absorb all this information and take action right away. This is ok.
Maybe all you can do is think up a plan with itty bitty steps to get away. Just keep at it.
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I am all over the place to be honest. I just don't know who I'm anymore. I don't know if it's the codependent fear of being alone or the fact that in this country, being 31 and unmarried is looks as a crime, sorta, makes me want to just settle with this. Brain says no, heart says you know him well now so everything else is OK. Stupid, I know.
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Argh . . . .yep, most of us get this. It is why most of us had to go no contact. This is such a tough change to make.
You really seem to be thinking and working. You may not be able to absorb all this information and take action right away. This is ok.
Maybe all you can do is think up a plan with itty bitty steps to get away. Just keep at it.
You really seem to be thinking and working. You may not be able to absorb all this information and take action right away. This is ok.
Maybe all you can do is think up a plan with itty bitty steps to get away. Just keep at it.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think it may help to go back and read your earlier posts from months ago/last year when he broke up with you. At that time you were extremely obsessed with getting him back and were not very open to any advice you received back then. Now you got what you wanted so badly, him back in your life, you are not happy. There is a reason you are back full circle and I hope you and your therapist can work on that reason.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Originally Posted by Ituvia
I am all over the place to be honest. I just don't know who I'm anymore. I don't know if it's the codependent fear of being alone or the fact that in this country, being 31 and unmarried is looks as a crime, sorta, makes me want to just settle with this. Brain says no, heart says you know him well now so everything else is OK. Stupid, I know.
Many many people are better off single but it is hard to accept and took quite awhile before I accepted this was who I was and am supposed to be.
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I did read some of the posts. It's embarrassing.
Originally Posted by atalose
I think it may help to go back and read your earlier posts from months ago/last year when he broke up with you. At that time you were extremely obsessed with getting him back and were not very open to any advice you received back then. Now you got what you wanted so badly, him back in your life, you are not happy. There is a reason you are back full circle and I hope you and your therapist can work on that reason.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Originally Posted by firebolt
That's another reason it may be good to take some time off from both of them. A relationship with an alcoholic ran me through the ringer...let alone what I put myself through. I tried dating not too long after I split with the xabf, and it was SO clear to me that no one was going to make me happy....so I stopped. I didn't date for a year, and it was the absolute BEST thing I could have done for my self!
I just had to figure out who I am, what makes me happy, what my values are, and what my goals are when it's only me!
Since then, I've dated a few people, and thanks to my time off, I cared about myself enough, and had enough clarity to see that things just weren't right with them, and ended it immediately. It's been the most empowering thing I've done for my life....and I am slowly gaining trust that I will not find myself 5 years into a relationship with an active addict ever again.
I just had to figure out who I am, what makes me happy, what my values are, and what my goals are when it's only me!
Since then, I've dated a few people, and thanks to my time off, I cared about myself enough, and had enough clarity to see that things just weren't right with them, and ended it immediately. It's been the most empowering thing I've done for my life....and I am slowly gaining trust that I will not find myself 5 years into a relationship with an active addict ever again.
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Originally Posted by Ituvia
Reason I kept this going is because this is
. Being with him is familiar and comfortable. I just hoped that him being sober would make a lot of difference. he isn't necessarily a bad person but has lot of flaws like me or anyone else and just doesn't want to address them. instead blames it on me.
. Being with him is familiar and comfortable. I just hoped that him being sober would make a lot of difference. he isn't necessarily a bad person but has lot of flaws like me or anyone else and just doesn't want to address them. instead blames it on me.
Familiar, yes. Totally see that. But comfortable? Not so sure. I don't think you're comfortable when he blames things on you .You've shared a lot about this relationship that would lead one to believe there is much discomfort in it. But here you write it's comfortable, yet you don't get enough comfort from him?
Afraid you will make the "mistake" of sleeping with someone? May I suggest that sleeping with someone can be a mistake, but that is not a mistake you have to choose to make. If you do per chance sleep with someone, be highly selective so that later you don't feel like it was a mistake. No regrets. If there is a future for you and the AB only time will tell.
It doesn't sound like he is a position to give you comfort right now and maybe that is what really hurts the most right now. You'd like to get some comfort from him, but it's just not happening.
I think the bottom line here is that you need to be honest with him about your needs, but Honest with yourself first. Right now you sound a little confused...it's time to get into some bedrock honesty and learning what it is you really need to be happy, settled, at peace, not just comforted for the time being.
I've learned in life that I am the only one to decide how to make me happy. If I'm not happy being alone, then being with someone else who is not right for me isn't going to be a sustaining help; it will just contribute to unhappiness.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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Well, societal pressures, social pressure, cultural pressure CAN cause a person to buy into the notion they needs to be with someone, even if that someone is not that healthy to be with. I find that odd really, given the divorce rate, you'd think it would be just the opposite where people are ENCOURAGED to embrace single-dom.
But I'm here to say it is SO not a crime to be single. Anyone who makes you feel like it is is just wrong. Wrong. In my book it is more of a crime to be stuck in a relationship that is wrong for you. Try to throw out the notion you have to be with someone else to be happy.
And in my opinion, the healthiest relationships are those that embrace one another as individuals.
But I'm here to say it is SO not a crime to be single. Anyone who makes you feel like it is is just wrong. Wrong. In my book it is more of a crime to be stuck in a relationship that is wrong for you. Try to throw out the notion you have to be with someone else to be happy.
And in my opinion, the healthiest relationships are those that embrace one another as individuals.
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