Ituvia

I don't really know where else to ask this. I am confused and in agony.

I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for many years and he broke my heart one day and left. He got himself admitted to a rehab and got clean. He has been sober for seven months now. He attends NA and AA meetings regularly too. Once he got out of rehab he wanted to get back together. Since he broke my heart badly I asked him to get some sobreity first. He comes over to my place regularly and stays over. I am not sure if we are back together, I am too afraid to ask him. Our sex life is bad because he doesn't really feel like it most of the time. Even when I initiate he shoots me down saying he is tired or sleepy. We did have sex bunch of times in the last few months but I simply do not feel the connection anymore. I do care for him deeply and may even love him but I am not sure if I can stay with him all my life. To add more confusion to the current situation, I kissed our mutual friend six months ago and again last week. My bf(?) Hates our friend now because I confessed to kissing him when he was in rehab. I feel like I am having strong feelings for my friend who now tells me he wants to be with me.

I feel like I cheated on my bf although we don't know if we are back together. I am in so much agony. I can't tell my bf that I kissed our friend again. I don't know if should simply leave him. We have so much history. He has been trying so much to be a better person and I don't want to ruin it. I really cannot explain how much this pains me. I just want to run away from it all.

I mourned so much when he left me but now that he has been in recovery for almost 7 months, I seem to be distracted. I basically feel underappreciated and simply unhappy.

dandylion

Ituvia.....this is what I think in this kind of situation...feeling "caught between two lovers".....is. that, in the long run...neither one is good for you.
I have seen this over and over....
First of all...7mo. is just a drop in the bucket of sobriety....it will take him a few more years....one to five...depending on who you talk to....to be a really changed person. And the other guy....if he is really a friend of your ex bf...he shouldn't be romancing you....(in my opinion)....that is just asking for trouble all the way around.
As for your ex (or whatever he is to you)....it doesn't matter how long the history was...it is the quality of the relationship...not, necessarily the longevity of it.
I think, that, in the interest of you own welfare and future happiness...you would do well to put distance between yourself and both of them....and, spend time working on just yourself..... No dating...work on your therapy and activities that increase your own insight and self awareness.....
I you don't give yourself this..I truly fear that you will find yourself on the romantic rocks, once again...down the road.....
You can do so much better....you deserve better.....

Your happiness is your responsibility...and does not lie in their hands....it lies in YOUR hands..and your wiliness to make wise decisions about your own welfare....
I am not saying that this is easy....I know that it isn't.....
But, sometimes you have to put up with the short-term pain for the long-term gain.....

BrianTX2000

That is some good sound advice right here ^

Ituvia

Thank you. I think I *know* it subconsciously. I am just not sure if I am happy with him. I was a wreck when he broke up with me but now I am cribbing about things. I don't understand myself.

firebolt

That's another reason it may be good to take some time off from both of them. A relationship with an alcoholic ran me through the ringer...let alone what I put myself through. I tried dating not too long after I split with the xabf, and it was SO clear to me that no one was going to make me happy....so I stopped. I didn't date for a year, and it was the absolute BEST thing I could have done for my self!

I just had to figure out who I am, what makes me happy, what my values are, and what my goals are when it's only me!

Since then, I've dated a few people, and thanks to my time off, I cared about myself enough, and had enough clarity to see that things just weren't right with them, and ended it immediately. It's been the most empowering thing I've done for my life....and I am slowly gaining trust that I will not find myself 5 years into a relationship with an active addict ever again.

trailmix

Hi Ituvia,

You might want to take some time and read through your old threads if you haven't already, in particular this one:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...come-back.html (Do they come back?)

Sorry you are going through such a tough time.

Ituvia

I can't believe how I sounded. I can't believe I went back and put myself in this predicament.

AnvilheadII

ltuvia....it sounds very much like for you RIGHT NOW being in a relationship with anyone is not in your best interest.

did you ever see the movie Runaway Bride? in the film, she always just did whatever her bf/fiance did. she didn't even know how she liked her EGGS cooked.

i suggest you clear your landscape and start figuring out just how you like your eggs........become independent in body mind and spirit.

Ituvia

I don't know why I feel the need to even entertain my ex back in my life. He has made lot of changes to himself and has been helping around the house a lot. He comes over once a week and helps me with things. I feel awful for even thinking about not wanting to be with him. He is not a bad person at all.

Bekindalways

Irk . . . it happens to the best of us here. We go back for another shot of the same poison.

Just start taking whatever next teeny tiny step to get better.

We are here for you

trailmix

He's not a bad person but is he your person? Is he a person you would entertain being in a romantic relationship with now?

If you think there is something there, then why not give it a try however maybe you need to back up a bit. This isn't the relationship of old and he has no doubt changed, maybe slow things down, go back to dating and getting to really know each other.

If you don't think that is the case then is it just guilt holding you back?

dandylion

Well, Ituvia....it seems that he is already back in your life...
I mean....really...if a guy comes over each week to help around the house and has bedroom privileges....it sounds like it to me....
Would the real consideration, possibly, be as to whether he move in, again...?
I'm just asking....

I can't get out of my head that less than a year ago (if I am remembering correctly)...you said that you felt like someone had stabbed you repeatedly in your heart and that you wanted to savor that feeing...because you wanted to remember it so that you never suffered that bad, again.....

Relationships seem to be the one worst thing for triggering relapse. Relationships are complicated and require responsibility and, sometimes, personal sacrifice (in a equitable way)...they require loyalty and respect and emotional availability... and, there will always be conflict of opinion--even in the most loving couples....
These things add up to a lot of "pressure" for a person who is in the embryonic stages of recovery....7 months is still in the embryonic stage. Relationship pressures can cause it all to go south....
Maybe he doesn't know that...maybe he feels like 7 months is an eternity to be sober...and, that being sober in the moment is enough to erase all of the other horrible stuff from the past and instill instant trust. Maybe he does want all the good stuff that you have to offer back to status-quo. Alcoholics are not usually good at delayed gratification...they like instant gratification that a drink can bring....

Even if he doesn't know all of these things...he doesn't know them....BUT, you do. That is what is important--what you know. You need to make your decisions from what you know.......

I know that these are not things that you want to hear. But, I think that someone should say them to you so that you can see the reality of the situation and so that you can follow your head ...not your heart.
You can't afford to follow your heart, at this time...because it is your heart th at has gotten you to this place.....

Ituvia

I think you're right. I sent him a text asking to give me space and he sounded so depressed when he called. He wanted to know what he could do to change and work on the relationship. I feel like a terrible person for even saying these things to him.

I do feel guilty. I think I'd feel even more guilty if I completely cut him off. I haven't forgotten what he did last year but it just seems like I had to give a chance. Maybe that's wrong.

dandylion

Ituvia...I think it is not "wrong"...but, I think it stems from co-dependency (for one thing)....that you are giving more weight to what you think he feels than you are willing/able to give to your own needs....

Has he not had chances, before?

Remember...he knows all of your triggers...your hot buttons...better than you do. He knows exactly what to do to trigger your "guilt" feelings.....He knows what you want to hear...he knows how to act. What do you think the weekly house work is all about? Was he thinking about your housework and how he could work on the relationship when he cut the rug out from under you before....? O ne single drink can wipe it all out.
I have been around this recovery world too long to believe in the instant cure of 7 months sober.
He wants what he wants and he wants it now. One good test to see how genuine an alcoholic's words are...is to tell them "no" about something....
What if you told him that you need to see several more months of continuous sobriety with no more horizontal tango.....? What do you think the results would be ?

Ituvia

How do I now tell him any of this?

Whenever I tell him I need space, he comes over. Whenever I tell him I don't want to talk, he calls and apologizes for anything he may have done. He keeps telling me that I should go to my therapist again to discuss my "anger issues" since he is working on his issues. He says our intimacy problems will go away if we both work on our issues separately.

Ituvia

I just got a job last week after six months of unemployment. He helped me through this period financially so I feel even more guilty and horrible for feeling this way now that I have a job.

dandylion

Ituvia....I hate to speak so bluntly...it is usually not my nature...but...you will need to grow a backbone. Put on a thick skin.
If he comes over after you have told him not to...keep the door locked. If he tries to break in ...call the police. after all he doesn't live there and they wil remove him from the property. You can ask the police for forms t o fill out for "no trespassing"...so, if he comes on the property, again...just call 911 and the police will come and remove him...if he persists, they can arrest him for trespassing. While it may not go that far...it will give you some teeth, if you need them...to enforce your boundary.

The phone calls are easy. I am pretty sure that you have caller ID?.....don't answer the phone...let it go to voice mail..then erase it before you read it. Remember, it is up to you to enforce your boundaries.

How to tell him? write out about 6 sentences on a piece of paper and memorize them..or read them to him, if necessary....
Something like this...."I though that people died before they suffered the kind of pain that you have put me through in the past. 7 months is not enough for me to trust you, I need 6 more months of space to work on my own issues before I am willing to re-evaluate this relationship. I need to take care of myself."..........this is just an example.....
You can say it on the phone....

By the way...he is full of crap about the intimacy thing...I feel safe in saying that...because I am a medical person and I have treated many, many alcoholics...and, I can tell you that sexual dysfunction is as common as can be, after they get sober. Don't let him pull that on you. This is just o ne more example of deflecting blame onto you....
Claiming your "anger issues" is a very controlling behavior. Again, deflecting blame onto you, Taking your inventory. don't buy into all of this...it is right out of the alcoholism handbook.....

OMG, Ituvia...please go back and read the 100 articles that I recommended to you and re-read "Co-Dependent No More", again......
He is manipulating and controlling and you are letting him suck you right back into the vortex......

Remember , if he tries to suck you into conversation and arguing...Don't JADE
J...justify
A...argue
D..defend
E...explain

Just out down the phone....

****If , at any time you feel unsafe or he gets aggressive in any way....do not confront him. Instead, call your local domestic abuse center and talk to a worker......abuse requires a different kind of approach.....

dandylion

Ituvia...I just read you last p ost...like I said....I think you are showing signs of co-dependency...and, that means that you need your own program of recovery as much as he does.......

Ituvia

I did tell him yesterday that I need space to reassess where I am mentally. To which he asked why suddenly and when he is making the effort. I just felt so guilty for letting him help me when I needed. Not that I took money from him or anything. Just that he bought groceries and walked the dogs and bought their food and stuff.

And about the intimacy thing I don't know why he doesn't have the drive. I don't know what qualifies as sexual dysfunction.

trailmix

And neither does he, when he says:

And he knows this how? Is he a therapist? As Dandylion mentioned, this could be related back to his alcoholism/recovery, could be depression could be a score of other issues but he has decided the above?

You know when I wrote above, is he your person etc? What I was thinking is that you were struggling with determining whether you want to continue on in a relationship with him or not.

In reading your posts since and in particular re-reading that part I have quoted from your first post in this thread, it seems that you don't want to be in a romantic relationship with him at all and the only thing you haven't come right out and said is that.