Clover71

My AH came in from the garage tonight to fix a his dinner plate. Me and the kids were in the living room. My son started asking him if he was ok. I heard banging and a big thump. Then both kids were asking if he was ok. He was on the floor in the kitchen still "lucid". I asked if I should call someone and he said no. I leave the kitchen and now I'm trying not to be hysterical. Me and the kids were huddled together. I am so ashamed to say that for a fleeting moment I wished he would just stop breathing. I had to tell my oldest son tonight that his dad is an alcoholic, and we had a long talk. I did not tell my youngest. I don't even know what to say to him. I guess none of us will get much sleep tonight, except maybe AH who was in there moaning. I think he hurt himself with that fall.

Bekindalways

Hey Clover, this sounds so very very tough. I wish I could offer more than a supportive note on a forum.

Take care of yourself and your kids.

Many hugs!

trailmix

That's terrible, so sorry you and your boys are going through that (and your Husband too of course).

Maybe you will need to end up taking him to the hospital?

dandylion

Clover.....it is not too late to call 911. You don't need his permission to call.
As a medical person who has also spent a lot of time in ERs....intoxicated alcoholics present a special problem...because, a lot of times, people attribute a lot of symptoms to drunkenness and don't take seriously....thus, making them especially vulnerable to "missed" brain injuries in accidents, and a host of other missed injuries.
How old are your boys? If they are older than 5yrs. old, I would wager th at they already know a lot more than you suspect that they do. Adults, almost always underestimate this, about the kids.....
A lot of people secretly wish that their partner would vanish, somehow...when the relationship reaches a certain level of discord. It is not abnormal to do that....(as long as it isn't acted on)....but, I do think that it does represent how bad the situation has gotten for you....and how much reality has been swept under the rug......
One can only avoid reality for so long....because it finally catches up with all of us, sooner than later...

Clover71

I kept checking on him but was more focused on taking care of the boys. He didn't want help getting up but eventually got up and went to the bedroom. I don't want him to die - it's a selfish, fleeting thought that I occasionally fleetingly have because it seems like it would be "easier" on me, which I know isn't the case. I talked to my mom tonight and that helped. As hard as it was telling my son, I'm glad I did. It seems like he may have had an inkling. I don't know where we go from here but I was already on a path. It may not be accelerated. I don't know. My adrenaline is still going and I'm worried, sad, and everything in between

Bernadette

Hey Clover71,

Ditto everything Dandylion said esp. about A's and injuries, drunkeness can mask many serious conditions: call 911 if you are concerned.

How scary for you and the kids. Great job telling older kid. Truth is always less terrifying than imagination for kids, and the reassurance when a sober adult calls it what it is and is available to talk about it and reassure them is invaluable. Seriously I knew by age 5 or 6 something was "wrong" with my Dad and with our family, I wish someone had just told me it was alcoholism and that I could ask any questions I wanted to!

I knew it was time for me to start planning for divorce when I began wishing my exH (who was not an A) would die....I am so ashamed that I ever felt that way, but it was because I hadn't been facing reality, those terrible thoughts pushed me squarely into reality and acceptance.

I fear you have a long anxious night ahead of you...sending you calming vibes....
Peace,
B.

dandylion

Clover....I don't want to scare you...but, in an abundance of caution...just know that brain injuries can show up several days later after a blow to the head.....
I suggest that it would be a good idea to talk to him tomorrow, after he is sober...and ask him to go to the doctor (if acute physical distress...better to go to an ER.)....it is o.k.for you to drive him and speak to the doctor, with him....The doctor will need as much accurate history as he/she can get. He may need medically supervised detox. or, at least, at-home detox managed by the doctor.....
You know him (we don't)...and you will know a lot more about how things are going to go after the medical visit and the discussions.....
You are, also, going to need all of the support that you can garner....

I hope that you will keep posting....as many on this forum have walked in your same shoes.... and, will be glad to help you...
for tonight...try to calm yourself as much as possible and try to get some sleep.....

Clover71

I will talk to him tomorrow. I've checked On him and when he was moaning he was holding his shoulder. If I had thought he had hit his head I would have called 911


My talk with my son was heartbreaking. I think I said all the right things to make him know that his actions can't change anything or make it worse ( what I felt as a little girl, and I did share that with him). and that dad loves him, but of course that doesn't stop his pain

Sleepyhollo

I’m sorry your kids (and yiu) had to witness that. How old are your kids? I think your youngest needs to know what’s going on at an age appropriate level. He will make up his own truth otherwise and it may be a lot worse. My kid was 6.5 when her dad went to rehab and had no clue (neither did anyone else but me btw). my RAH would just sleep a lot and most of the time she would be in bed or he was tired “from work”. I finally had to tell her ( I had waited for her to ask after we had visited him in rehab, since he was ordered to go to rehab and it was unexpected we did not have time to prepare and had told her that daddy needed to go a special hospital for a booboo in his stomach. But she never asked why rehab didn’t look like a hospital or anything else). Toward the end of rehab I finally told her with a couple of books and the discussed that that was daddy’s problem as well. She is pretty knowledgeable about addiction (age appropriate ) and I’m glad. She did the Betty Ford program for kids when she was almost 7 and it was really good. I know they’re only in 3 states but they have a character called Beamer who had books and videos about his life with his parents who are alcoholics. I think it is called beamers world. It is very good at explaining addiction to kids in a non scary but realistic way. Your kids more than likely have know for a while that something isn’t right with their dad. Putting a name to it may actually decrease their stress rather than being in the dark.

http://mybeamersworld.com

Givenup2018

How is your H today?

FireSprite

I hope you were able to manage some rest last night. I'm sorry this happened but kudos on handling that hard convo with your son. In a way, I'm sure that was the hardest part of this whole experience.

How are YOU today?

Clover71

Thanks for the support and replies. I don't have time to address them now, as I have to get ready for work. I woke him up this morning. He said his arm hurts like hell. I said do you remember what happened last night and he said no. I told him his arm hurts because he fell, and he then said he remembered. I don't know if that's true. I said that I thought he should take the day off and go get checked out, and he said that he was fine and didn't need to do that He showered and went to work.

dandylion

Clover....glad to hear that you are able to go to work. It is so typical for alcoholics to have lots of "mystery" pains and bruises, etc....as they don't remember much of what happens to them....and, a lot of what they do.....Tuff stuff, all around.....

Dutchy36

This happened to my alcoholic husband a few weeks before his seizures started. Be careful as he could have brain damage. My husband has severe frontal lobe brain damage ( a lot of alcoholics do) and the seizures are epileptically charged even though he is not epileptic. They happen 48 hours after drinking. He is on a low dose of Tegretol. Maybe try and get him to see a neurologist?

hopeful4

Just sending you a huge hug Clover.

wehav2day

Clover,

I’m so sorry you are hurting. You did everything right, your kids are priority one. I really wish my family knew about addiction and had frank talks, would have helped my brother and I a lot.

Hugs to you. I hope this is a wake up call for your ah. He might have gone to work like nothing was wrong, but I can guarantee he’s at work feeling like crap and trying like heck to piece last night together. I’ve been there too. It’s no good. I really hope he decides enough is enough.

Ladybird579

I am so ashamed to say that for a fleeting moment I wished he would just stop breathing.

Don't feel ashamed. I felt like that too at times as my exah was always falling, cutting and banging parts of himself which escalated to cpr in hospital with drink related conditions. I did realise it was time to go our separate ways as normal couples do not hope their partners are dead if they injure themselves. This situation is not fair on either of you and very unfair to your children.

Sasha1972

I'm really sorry you had to go through this experience. I will respectfully disagree with other posters who are recommending that you encourage him to see a doctor. I think that choice belongs in his hands, and you do not need to be involved in managing the consequences of his drinking. A 911 call when needed is all that you need to do.

For what it's worth, my ex also had lots of mystery injuries and health problems and was/is an ER frequent flyer. He has now "progressed" to seizures and hallucinations. Fortunately this is not happening in my home.

hearthealth

I'm sorry you are going through this. How are you and the children doing? Though you can encourage him to get him assessed only he can take himself to the doctor. A friend of the family was 'fine' after a small fender bender and died of unknown head injuries from it two weeks later.

Clover71

I don't know how to explain it, but I'm doing better than I should be doing. I actually slept that night but not good sleep. My friend at work asked me if everything was ok and she hugged me. I cried a bit and then moved on and had a great day.

AH acted like nothing had happened the next day. I came home from work and he was sitting in the recliner drinking a beer. This morning he said he had an odd number of sick hours and wanted to leave work and go fishing and would our youngest be ok for a half hour alone after school. I set my son up to
Go to after
School care and told him I did. My only fear is driving after drinking. I hope to hell he has a girlfriend. And yet one more thing I should be ashamed about but I'm not.


My 11 year old is doing ok, but he stayed home from school that next day. I need to give him time to think before we talk again. I haven't talked to my 8 year old about it yet, but he was upset that he was left out of the fishing. That talk will come in time. He wet the bed last night and that worries me. I hope that was a fluke.

I'm sorry as I'm a bit scattered,but I am thankfully relaxed tonight for now.

Thank you again for the posts and support and advice. I read it all. I think about that night and wonder - was it too much booze, not enough, or something else? I'll never know for now n